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> One Dented Knight, Spenserian Stanza
Merlin
post Jul 26 06, 23:34
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One Dented Knight

Reflecting on the footprints of one’s past,
a picture drawn in pencil comes to light;
a scene bedeviled, destined not to last,
fades out like moonlight on a summer night.
You rub your eyes in wonder at the sight –
what might have been had Fate played otherwise,
a King or Ace, but not a dashing Knight
in shining armor and a Queen whose eyes
beguile. Was there a secret, more elusive prize?


Reflecting on one’s footprints freshly made,
one sees a windmill tilted here and there
with wings a little bent and slightly frayed,
but still, they keep on flailing through the air.
One dented Knight, an antique debonair
rides by where jasmine scented wayward winds
remind him of his deeds and conquests rare;
he laughs out loud, recalling times he sinned.
Fate smiles at him, and he salutes with jaunty grin.


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jgdittier
post Jul 27 06, 06:02
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QUOTE (Merlin @ Jul 27 06, 04:34 ) *
One Dented Knight

Reflecting on the footprints of one’s past,
a picture drawn in pencil comes to light;
a scene bedeviled, destined not to last,
fades out like moonlight on a summer night.
You rub your eyes in wonder at the sight –
what might have been had Fate played otherwise,
a King or Ace, but not a dashing Knight
in shining armor and a Queen whose eyes
beguile. Was there a secret, more elusive prize?

My father loved roundtable stories and claimed fate focussed on the good, such as Arthur, Guinevere and Lancelot.


Reflecting on one’s footprints freshly made,
one sees a windmill tilted here and there
with wings a little bent and slightly frayed,
but still, they keep on flailing through the air.
One dented Knight, an antique debonair
rides by where jasmine scented wayward winds
remind him of his deeds and conquests rare;
he laughs out loud, recalling times he sinned.
Fate smiles at him, and he salutes with jaunty grin.


"La Mancha" had an interesting theme to it. In Quixote's deluded state, was he still the hero he imagined. It's all in the force of intent.

Shining but dented armor...
Wonderfully done! and cheers, Ron jgd


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JustDaniel
post Jul 28 06, 17:36
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Referred By:Lori



I'd love to see you post this for critique, for many lines are really quite unique, but Spencer's still elusive to my pen, though I've attempted him once and again. I know that you have much that you could share if you've an hour or two that you might spare!

A couple of your lines are two-beats o'er, but I can't say which ones inside this door! So let your valiant prince come venture forth, dispensing with his armour further north.

It's always a supreme joy to read you, my friend. We're going to have to find out why Ron is merely quoting folks lately... without comment!

deLighting in the hand that you've dealt, Daniel sings.gif


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Merlin
post Jul 28 06, 22:59
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Hello Ron & Daniel,




You’ll find Ron’s comments tucked inside the text, a line or two, a line or three is next. He sez his dad like Art and Guinevere, Sir Lancelot, and sometimes even beer!

I do support a workshop atmosphere, took part in them for all my learning years. But now, I’ve reached the point – I’ve had enough of giving views, and all that critique stuff. I gave it up, no more shall I advise how this should be or that should harmonize. Since that’s the case, I couldn’t really post my Dented Knight to have it diagnosed.

When Edmund Spenser wrote The Faerie Queene, his stanzas’ final lines (Alexandrines) were longer by a foot than all the rest – although, I’m told he tried his very best to keep them in iambic penta-foot; ah yes, he tried but still it did no good. That’s how the Spenser Stanza came to be, his first four lines he rhymed abab, and followed those bcbc big C, which means an extra foot for all to see!

I’m pleased my Knight is worthy of your time; I still prefer the pleasures found in rhyme.

Merlin


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jgdittier
post Jul 29 06, 08:21
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Dear All,
After five years of posting comments and occasionally suggestions for improvement and having my postings similarly treated, I've become convinced that in my case, little benefit
obtains for anyone. I emphasize beat too much, use poetic ploys of the past too much, reduce the lucidity of the message by excessive rhyming too much, demote the value of the message by emphasizing form, too much and use poetic license too much. I've tried to convince us all, including myself, that I'm writing light verse.
When attempting to improve other's verse, my style is of little help and if I'm true to my style in my own verse, critiques based on modern methods don't help me much.
Altho I cite a love for the style of old, I write more like Dr. Suess and therefore will post where critiquing is not required.
I'm always open to punctuation corrections and word substitutions that do not change the flow of the verse, but meter matters greatly to me in a world that now counts syllables and when I break a modern rule I smile rather than feel guilty.

My comments re "One Dented Knight" were not voluminous but I believe Eric knows I read his work carefully and though he's much purer than I, greatly appreciate his mastery of his style.

Cheers to all, Ron jgd


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Merlin
post Jul 29 06, 10:37
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Thanks Ron,

For any who don't know - Ron & I go back a number of years on the web... and know each other well. We've shared from comedy to tragedy via various forums during that time.

What follows my Reader’s Digest version of my position regarding critique. I welcome discussion in this thread.



I fully support the workshop concept and encourage its use.

Since beginning this hobby and participating on the web, I’ve been involved in a workshop atmosphere, becoming the top dog on one site. It’s the best method of refining one’s skills and putting out a product that others appreciate.

I become somewhat disillusioned by so few participants, especially those whose writing could easily benefit from a bit of polish. Many who post (all over the net) seem content at their own level, even if filled with abysmal errors. I gave up critiquing some time ago, with a few exceptions. My final decision is more recent and involves a colleague here at home, not on the internet.

The lady asked me to a critique a sonnet she had written, her first. Over the years I’ve amassed a generous amount of experience in critiquing and gave an honest appraisal, complete with pointers and suggestions on how to improve her work, in the gentlest way I can – she’s still a beginner.

The result was that she was mostly insulted by what I said, and seemingly only wanted praise for her product. I’ll provide the links for your own analysis:

Her first sonnet, Here

The one I critiqued, Here

This does not reflect on anyone at MM, but on a personal level, I’ve lost all interest. There tis.

Merlin

PS - It should be noted that the above linked works are from the heart - her 8 yr old grandaughter had a near fatal accident with a pickup truck.


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Guest_Rosemerta_*
post Jul 29 06, 11:49
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Dearest Merlin,

First off, I wish to state that your poem is marvelous. Not only because it is in a theme I love most (without the beer of course comedy.gif) but there was just the right amount of description, flavor, and humor to make this a most pleasurable poem to read.

Yet as to your 'hermiting' (no-not a real word) from the workshop scene, I do hope you will reconsider. I understand the frustration of those asking for help then being offended when it is given. One of the reasons I have grown so fond of MM is that very little of that is seen here. I've never appreciated critiques given to me as much as I have those from the gentle folk here.

There are many of us who are still unsure of ourselves and yearn for guidance. It seems unfair that we are deprived of experience such as yours because of the foolishness of others. We all want to hear words of praise but I know we also learn most by our mistakes. Please don't punish those of us who want mentoring because of the actions of the ignorant.
 
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JustDaniel
post Jul 29 06, 17:35
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Dear Eric...

Thank you for that further information regarding Spencer. I certainly did not know that!

And Ron...

I certainly mean no offense. It was an oversight, and I was just teasing a good and respected friend. I love the work and preferences of BOTH of you. I share your love for meter. It's in my blood. Yes, I try other things, but meter is neater!

deLighting always in your comments... both of you! upside.gif Read.gif

- with deepest respect, Daniel sun.gif


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Cleo_Serapis
post Jul 29 06, 20:54
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Hi Eric. Wizard.gif

What a fantastic poem - this scene is right up my alley of fancy! pharoah2.gif

Reflecting on the footprints of one’s past,
a picture drawn in pencil comes to light;
a scene bedeviled, destined not to last,
fades out like moonlight on a summer night.

I can ‘see’ the faded image on parchment, and people trying to decipher it from it faded remnants.


You rub your eyes in wonder at the sight –
what might have been had Fate played otherwise,
a King or Ace, but not a dashing Knight
in shining armor and a Queen whose eyes
beguile. Was there a secret, more elusive prize?

Sounds like an interesting drawing! A knight and a queen, Lancelot & Guinevere come to mind. Yes, I want to know – was there a secret somehow revealed in the sketch?

Reflecting on one’s footprints freshly made,
one sees a windmill tilted here and there
with wings a little bent and slightly frayed,
but still, they keep on flailing through the air.

I’m a bit lost – is there a story about windmills?

One dented Knight, an antique debonair
rides by where jasmine scented wayward winds
remind him of his deeds and conquests rare;
he laughs out loud, recalling times he sinned.
Fate smiles at him, and he salutes with jaunty grin.

What an excellent ending! claps.gif Your rhymes and rhythms are always unmatched only by your message.

Well done!
~Cleo princess.gif


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Merlin
post Jul 30 06, 08:18
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Thank you for the added comments Rose, Daniel, Lori.

Rose, nothing is carved in stone, so time will tell. To everything there is a season, and time-outs are good for a fella.

Daniel, I began doing Spensers a while back when a sonnet just wouldn't be. I finally gave up and made a 9-line stanza out of it; the rhyme scheme worked cuz I was doing Spenserians anyway. A few colleagues took up the form, and we have done quite a number of them now. They figger prominently in the works of past poets too.

Lori, this is a little autobiographical. The windmills are a reference to Don Quxiote who witnessed oddities on his travels. Their tattered wings are meant to show them aged, but still ongoing. My comment to JD above, one of those colleagues and I have done volleys of these stanzas, in which my part is the knight, who takes on different circumstances and dents.

I'm pleased you enjoyed these.

Merlin


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Guest_Rosemerta_*
post Jul 30 06, 11:48
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I can certainly understand the need to take time away from an activity. I've been doing much of that myself of late. But I do hope you won't be too long away.

I was also reminded of Quiote when I read this (one of my favorite tales). I loved both Lithgow and O'Toole in their respective movie versions. A knight who takes dents such as yours seems a lovable character to be sure.
 
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Aphrodite
post Jul 30 06, 14:40
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Hello Merlin~

I enjoyed your whimsical poem and the imagery is absolutely wonderful!
Images of Camelot, King Arthur, Sir Lancelet and Queen Guenivere come flooding off your lines leaving a feeling of wonder and mystique.
A very enjoyable and fanciful read!

Reflecting on the footprints of one’s past,
a picture drawn in pencil comes to light;
a scene bedeviled, destined not to last,
fades out like moonlight on a summer night.


Great!

PS I hear you about the dissection of poetry. There is something to be said about leaving the original intent in the hands of the poet's unique vision.


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Guest_poeticpiers_*
post Jul 31 06, 17:07
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Magical as one woud expect from Merlin who after was involved in guiding Arthur.
 
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Merlin
post Jul 31 06, 21:27
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Many thanks to all for the additional comments - most welcome.

Merlin


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Guest_poeticpiers_*
post Aug 11 06, 15:28
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You cast your spells and hope for the result you want but magic like writing poetry often resuklts in an effect you never expected
 
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