Wish, this piece needs help.....please Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

need help with the llast stanza I have looked at it too many times and cant see how to change it  to make it fit but keep the poignancy impact...please help... it been bugging me for over two years...lol
Steve

How cruel the hand,
That steers the course,
From years so far away.

And be unknown
To him that knows
That things go oft astray.

The wonder and the awe,
Looking back at time,
Knowing what path fate threads,
And with nimble hand unwind.

Knowing that the change
And chance could not be undone
But, Oh to wish that that might be
Is all the dream the child
Inside the man might dream
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Revised and edited,,, with help from you all thanks I like this version much much better.

How cruel the hand
that steers the course,
from years so far away.

And be unknown
to him who knows
that things go oft astray.

The wonder
and the awe of time
are threads that fate unwinds.

Change and chance
can't be undone,
I wish that it could be;

unleashing dreams
from deep inside of me
dreams the child within might dream.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Third revision with help from Cleo  thanks this is much better now than I ever thought it could be..


Wish (revised)

How cruel the hand
that steers the course,
from years so far away.

A life unknown
to him who knows
that things go oft astray.

Astonished;
at the awe of time
are threads that fate unwinds.

'Tis his destiny
that can't be undone,
I wish that it could be;

unleashing screams
from deep inside of me
the child within might dream.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Steve,

I have no idea what form you are employing, so anything I suggest could easily wreck it especially as I’m no good at rhythm without rhyme.  

I’m a bit confused as you seem to have a rhyme scheme going in the first two verses which then disappears in the last two and you move from three lines per verse to four.

Anyway here is my tuppence worth:

How cruel the hand,
That steers the course,
From years so far away.

And be unknown
To him that knows
That things go oft astray.   ..so true life never pans out as we imagine

The wonder[,] {and} the awe,
Looking back at time,
Knowing what path fate threads,  ...threads or treads?
And with nimble hand unwind.

Knowing that the change
And chance could not be undone
But, Oh to wish that that might be
Is all the dream the child
Inside the man might dream

Knowing change and chance
cannot be undone
but wishing that might be so
is all the child inside the man
can wistfully dream of.

I hope if nothing else, it gives you some fresh ideas.

Nina

[Cyn]

need help with the llast stanza I have looked at it too many times and cant see how to change it  to make it fit but keep the poignancy impact...please help... it been bugging me for over two years...lol
Steve

How cruel the hand,
That steers the course,
From years so far away.

And be unknown
To him that knows
That things go oft astray.

The wonder and the awe,
Looking back at time,
Knowing what path fate threads,
And with nimble hand unwind.

Knowing that the change
And chance could not be undone
But, Oh to wish that that might be
Is all the dream the child
Inside the man might dream

Steve if you are not sick of my meddling...I see things in your poem I like and then it kind of falls down. I think it is because you start with a meter and rhyme but then abandon it.

I am not sure what I will do here helps at all but it might give you a place to start and bring this one back. Lots of good ideas and images in it.

You may want to abandon the rhyme altogether even if it is too contrived to get it where you want it to be by employing them. Below I give my suggestions. 14 syllables per stanza I thhink. I have removed unnecessary caps, also wonder - *someone will need to look it up or tell me, is it him or he?)

How cruel the hand,
that steers the course,
from years so far away,  great start

and it's unknown
to him *who knows
that things go oft astray.

The wonder and
the awe of time
threads a path fate unwinds

Change or chance
can't be undone.....
and then you'll have to work out some remaining lines or stanzas to get the rest of your message (which I like) to fit into the scheme.

I hope I have not slaughtered it. I look forward to your rewrite.
Cyn

[Guest_Cathy_*]

How cruel the hand,
That steers the course,
From years so far away.  Love the start and it sets a rhythm I'll try to work with

And be unknown
To him that knows
That things go oft astray. I like Cyn's suggestion for this verse.

and it's unknown
to him who knows
that things go oft astray.

The wonder and the awe,
Looking back at time,
Knowing what path fate threads,
And with nimble hand unwind. The rhythm goes 'astray' in these last two verses.

Wonder
and the awe of time
are threads that fate unwinds.

Knowing that the change
And chance could not be undone
But, Oh to wish that that might be
Is all the dream the child
Inside the man might dream You could break this into two ...

Change and chance
can't be undone,
I wish that it could be;

unleashing dreams
from deep inside,
the child within might dream.

It would read ...

How cruel the hand
that steers the course,
from years so far away.

And its unknown
to him who knows
that things go oft astray.

The wonder
and the awe of time
are threads that fate unwinds.

Change and chance
can't be undone,
I wish that it could be;

unleashing dreams
from deep inside
the child within might dream.

Personally I see no need to capitalize each line but that's just me.  If I've messed it up just ignore!  lol

Cathy

[jgdittier]

Dear Steve,
I'm unsure I'm capable of helping you improve this very interesting piece.
It seems to me you've a serious message here and so the first step is to understand the message.
I take the first stanza to say that God's plan for man is perceived by man as cruel.
Stanza 2 says that God doesn't realize how man perceives Gods plans for us.
Stanza 3 explores the wonder of God's power.
Stanza 4 domonstrates that man accepts God,s way but the child in him still dreams selfishly.
If this is so, then here are my thoughts:

How cruel the Hand
Who steers the course
from years so far away!

It's yet unknown,
to He who knows
that things go oft astray.

What wonder and what awe there be,
the flow of life assigned...
To know the path that fate has tread
and with nimble hand unwind.

The book of change and chance is writ,
it cannot be undone!
But Oh, I wish that voice inside
with dreams were not my son.


Ideas only.
Cheers,   Ron  jgd

[Merlin]

Hello Steve,

I have participated in workshops almost my entire writing time and used to be workshop director on another forum for a long time.  However, my area is into rhyme and meter, mostly strict form, and I don’t think I’ll be able to be much help to you here.

I’ll give a few pointers as I see them anyway, and as usual, you’re free to accept or reject as you wish.  

The issue of capitalizing is often discussed, and it is up to the individual.  Most often nowadays, caps are dropped in continuing lines, since they were mostly a typesetter aid once, to tell the printer where a new line began.  With modern technology they are somewhat of a dinosaur.  That said – I use both forms, caps and non-caps, whichever I like at the time.  I’d suggest you drop the caps for the sake of reader clarity.

It appears to me your punctuation needs the most attention.  In verse 1, I’d do away with the commas, most certainly the first:
How cruel the hand
that steers the course
from years so far away.

I don’t like beginning sentences with conjunctions – verse 2 starts with “And”, but doesn’t tie back to anything.  Why the “and”?  I’m one of the old fuddies that likes sentences, not just fragments.  Some believe that fragments are what makes poetry.  I disagree.  You should still say a complete thought.  Not just

Same fragment comment for V3.  Pretty much the same for V4.  Here’s a suggestion – take the last 2 (or 3) lines (reworded) as opening lines for the entire poem.  Build from that.

General comments – Words like “so” in V1 are not really descriptive.  Rewording could come up with things like now long gone by, lost in the haze/mist, or many more.  V4 Repeating “that that” doesn’t show the greatest imagination.

Words of wisdom from a poet who passed on some time back – there is always another way of saying the same thing, you need to come up with it.

This has potential, and I look forward to seeing what you can make of it.

Merlin

[Cyn]

There have been some excellent suggestions. Lots to ponder Steve. I think Ron's ending stanza suggestions are brilliant though

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

thanks everyone for the great suggestions i guess i should have stated what i was trying to achive from the first  and that may have helped in the critiques....good as they are....
How cruel the Hand
Who steers the course
from years so far away!

this is about my fathers intervention in my life that i was trying and want very passionately to persue  and it has taken me a long time to get past that cruel to me at the time intervention....so that only recently have things become clear in my head and enabled me to write and post the poetry i have inside.

And be unknown
To him that knows
That things go oft astray.

now many years have past since the first incident occured and Nina is correct in that fate sometimes plays a role not understoood by us all.

The wonder and the awe,
Looking back at time,
Knowing what path fate threads,
And with nimble hand unwind.
and when i realize that things in my life were done becuase of what my father did and the scars it left I now look back with wonder and awe that he could so affect me for so long in my life.... and again with fates threads in her nimble hands starting to unwind  meaning i am beging to just now get to the point where i wanted to be at the age of seventeen....

Knowing that the change
And chance could not be undone
But, Oh to wish that that might be
Is all the dream the child
Inside the man might dream

here i am trying to say that I know now what happen is in the past and i cant change it...but my inner child still dreams about the what might have beens if things had gone differently....


I hope this clarifies what gaol i am trying for inn this poem the critiques have been great but they still dont really touch what meaning i was loooking for... maybe becuase this is or was so personel is the reason I could not finish the last two stanzas in the way the should be done...

Thanks again all.. i am still reveiwing and consideering changes...
Steve

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Steve.

An ejoyable piece in that this expresses the range of emotion as we yearn to understand ourselves, with a splash of religion tucked in as well.

I've taken the liberty with your revision (much improved too) to count the beats per line/stanza and noted the following traits:

4
4
6

4
4
6

3
5
6

3
4
6

4
6
7

with soft rhymes alternating.  In my suggestions below, I set out to match the patterns throughout and maintain the soft-rhymes. Please, by all means take or toss anything I've offered.

Cheers!  
~Cleo  

[add] {delete}

How cruel the hand
that steers the course,
from years so far away.  Excellent opening

{And be} [A life] unknown  (to avoid starting line with 'and' )
to him who knows
that things go oft astray.

{The wonder} [Astonishment;] (to maximize each thought)
{and} the awe of time
are threads that fate unwinds.

{Change and chance} [His destiny] (to rhyme with 'be' )
can't be undone,
I wish that it could be;

unleashing {dreams} [screams] (so as not to use 'dreams more than once in this stanza)
from deep inside[;] {of me}
{dreams} the child within might dream.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Thanks Cleo for your critique of the revision I have made the chages  and am posting the thrid revision now...
Steve