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Digital Perception |
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Guest_Toumai_*
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Dec 9 04, 04:13
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Squalid showers spit their wilful spite upon the pane Braced against a bleak and dreary darkness. Within, blank screen faces blank thoughts, blank mind.
New message: ‘I miss you. I want you. I love you.’ Ethereal longings distilled and digitised.
Eyes bright with tears reflect the saturated hues of autumn Light on crystal drops poised on fractal twigs. Webs gleam with the repentance of the summer.
© Toumai, 2004
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Guest_jayjay_*
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Dec 9 04, 04:55
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This is a far more complex poem than it looks, Fran. To me anyway.
Personifying the weather at the start gives an immediate insight into the narrator's mood. Great words, 'squalid' 'spit' 'wilful spite' and 'bleak and dreary darkness' all tumble into a 'blank mind'. Seems as though this person is being overwhelmed.
Second verse and the 'message' arrives, 'distilled' - that is brilliant and I will come back to that.
Next verse and the language is brought out of the darkness. Although the eyes have tears they are 'bright'. Autumn colours 'light on crystal drops'. Once more the sadness is dressed in images of light. Then the 'gleam of repentance'. For whom? The receiver or the sender?
This moves through from darkness to light and the catalyst is the 'message' 'I love you'.
This age of instant communication means that the most intimate of thoughts can be received immediately and it is that which I find interesting. In the age of snail mail the act of committing thoughts onto paper and the hiatus between exchanged correspondence required one to be sure of their feelings before the physical act of writing - hence the plethora of 'love letters' still extant. Email almost cries out for instant thought and to write electonic billet-doux is evident in the number of complete strangers committing to one another without the arcane tradition of courtship. While the 'message' sounds, and probably is, true, I still find its instantaneous transmission suspect.
A fine poem full of great images. It certainly got me thinking. Thanks for that.
JJ
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Guest_Jox_*
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Dec 10 04, 11:21
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Fran, Hi,
My only suggestion at all, is to consider removing the "the" in Line Six.
Great alliteration and imagery. I really like the fact that the darkness is insufficient; it has to be "dreary," too.
Good point about the electronification (brand new word for today!) of longings.
What a wonderful metaphor - "Light on crystal drops poised on fractal twigs."
There is not a line I couldn’t rave over here (and, as everyone on MM knows, I am raving).
Her e-male appears to be in agreement with the repenting Summer. She is clearly re-invigorated through electronic enchantment.
Great title, too. Does rather remind us that, as looks are often deceptive, so are messages (electronic or otherwise - but specifically the former, here). Good job I'm a six feet, six inches tall commando with an Astrophysics doctorate and a penchant for base-jumping - means that Digital Perceptions doesn't bother me. Nearly convinced myself, there.
This is superb. I’ll tell you this, Fran: it’s a really good thing that you’re not a poet, else many of us would have to improve quite a lot to keep up.
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Guest_Toumai_*
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Dec 12 04, 09:25
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Hi Arnie,
Thanks. I'd never written poetry (at least not since leaving school), but while my husband was away in October I sat at the computer feeling down, hoping for an email and this emerged...
Guilt? Yep - don't appreciate him enough... and now I keep writing poetry instead of looking after him.
Fran
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Guest_Nina_*
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Dec 12 04, 15:41
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this is an excellent poem Fran. I like the way you create the mood of gloom, darkness and depression and how everything changes with the receipt of that beautiful message.
My only comment (and I may be missing the point completely) is about verse 3. To me it seems superfluous to the poem. The impact hits you with verse 2
QUOTE New message: ‘I miss you. I want you. I love you.’ Ethereal longings distilled and digitised.
Maybe I feel this way because whereas the first two verses are easy to understand and painted a clear picture in my mind, I didn't really get the last verse. I would appreciate it if you could explain it a bit more. Sorry if I am being dense but I am not very good with abstract thought.
Nina
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Guest_Toumai_*
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Dec 12 04, 16:28
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Nina, a very warm welcome to Mosaic Musings and many thanks for your comments.
As I was up rather early this morning - in fact horribly early - I'm afraid by now my thoughts are little but abstract - or at the very least abstracted.
I think you could be right - the story would be neat and quite okay if it ended with the second verse. You are not being dense - on the contrary, you are wondering why I put that third verse there, and... so am I.
I think the last verse mirrors the drippy rain drop wet images from the first verse, but now in a happier mood - darkness changes to brightness - although the last line is rather (probably deliberately) ambiguous.
Maybe verse three is there simply to puzzle the reader (as it does me).
I am beginning to really appreciate recieving crits that ask questions, because they help me to think through what I was trying to capture with a poem (or, indeed, a story). What is most important is what the reader sees.
Many thanks for your thoughts on this, Fran
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Guest_Jox_*
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May 1 05, 05:04
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Hi Fran,
I have just nominated this for the Members' Award for Dec and, on re-reading it, I noticed something.
You used:
"Squalid showers spit their wilful spite upon the pane"
as your first line.
Prima facie, that might be seen as pathetic fallacy - which I am generally very much against. However, it is not pf. So I thought I'd better explain, from my perspective.
It is not pf because the poet is not saying that the showers are spiteful; she is saying that the central character perceives them to be so - which is very different.
OK, thought I'd better mention that before anyone wonders if I'm becoming more pathetically fallacious!
Good luck and all the best,
J.
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Guest_Nina_*
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May 2 05, 12:21
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Hi Fran, James
James, you said
Prima facie, that might be seen as pathetic fallacy - which I am generally very much against. However, it is not pf. So I thought I'd better explain, from my perspective.
It is not pf because the poet is not saying that the showers are spiteful; she is saying that the central character perceives them to be so - which is very different.
Now I'm getting confused. What if I am the central character of the poem or story? If I think the wind is howling am I correct in thinking that it is not PF because it is me as the character's perception of the wind?
Nina
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Guest_Jox_*
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May 2 05, 13:14
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Hi Nina, Fran,
Yes Fran is correct.
To attribute human qualities to nature is PF.
However, if we are observing a character doing that, it is the character who is using PF, not the writer.
This is much akin to speech, where (I would argue) that cliches are fine when spoken by characters - because people do speak like that - but are sloppy when used directly by the writer - because better writing should be employed.
So I might say "The wind is angry tonight" - and if I was a character that is fine. However, if a writer, directly wrote that, I would think it sloppy.
Hope that makes sense, also?
(If not do shout).
All the best, J.
PS "Howling wind" is a cliche but it may not be overt PF because one could argue it is now the name given to that sound. In the beginning I assume it was PF and - you're right - probably technically still is but I don't think we have another word for that sound which the wind makes. My "fav" dreadful PF e.g. is "The Sun smiling."
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Guest_Toumai_*
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May 2 05, 16:06
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Hi Nina,
Glad it makes a bit more sense ... I think the answer is to do what you feel is right. Advice is sometimes educational - but your poems have to be truely yours, so if you want a phrase, use it.
James,
Thanks for explaining so much more clearly :sun:
Fran
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