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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jun 22 10, 23:44
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#1
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 Babylonian  Posts: 66 Joined: 14-May 09 Member No.: 798 Real Name: James Carver Writer of: Poetry Referred By:poppy  |
The clouds
scattered hastily hurried to their heavenly corners among the realm of a pastel-pink horizon Where we dwelled so often and spoke without words. And yet our hearts understood beyond reason and earthly wisdom Knowing that this, was meant to be |
  
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Jun 29 10, 16:07
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi James
I enjoyed this one - you have some lovely descriptions here. I feel that sentence structure could be improved. Suggestions to follow and perhaps some trimming: L 1&2 don't make a complete sentence, therefore a capital for hastily is not necessary. [And as] The clouds scattered hastily hurried to their heavenly corners among the realm of a pastel-pink horizon, [W]where we dwelled so often and spoke without words. (full stop) And yet our hearts understood beyond reason and earthly wisdom, [K]knowing that this, was meant to be [How could it not?] I personally fee the last line is not needed as you have shown this question in your poem. I love 'pastel pink corners'  I hope something I've suggested might help in some waySnow ·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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Jun 29 10, 19:01
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#3
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hello James,
I really love the mobility and character you gave the clouds. I see you have your own nn-punctuation signature. Personally I love using punctution. I do agree with Eisa's suggestions especially in the ending line. I will return for another look. Lovely rendezvous dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Jul 4 10, 17:21
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#4
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 Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Hell fire,
I enjoyed this poem. Nice pictures and thoughts~ K ······· ······· |
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Jul 24 10, 10:22
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#5
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 Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE and spoke without words. the entire poem is centered on this line and to be honest it is a very big cliche. It does not work for me at all. sorry.Sergio ······· ······· |
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Jul 31 10, 02:50
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#6
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Babylonian Posts: 66 Joined: 14-May 09 Member No.: 798 Real Name: James Carver Writer of: Poetry Referred By:poppy |
sorry you feel that way sergio.
wsihing you all the best cheers hellfire |
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