Greetings, Denis.
I've been absent for about a week simply because we had not internet connection because of a breakdown of our modem. That was partially corrected the other day after we totally lost electricity for three hours, and miraculously we got telephone and internet again when the electricity was restored...
but we did get a new modem today, a knowledgeable installer today to get our computer and ipad back onlike, and then a good phone tech tonight who helped me retool the memory in my laptop's internet adapter, so I can get online again.
I was only on long enough this morning to respond to Larry in Karnak, and I didn't have time to even look here... so here I am again, and extremely pleased to see that someone is venturing out of his comfort zone and into haiku!!
I've gotten something of a FEEL for haiku over the past couple of years in some both frivolous and serious adventuring into the form, but most folks don't take me seriously even when I'm serious, so I'm not sure whether I can be of much help...
but I'll try.
First, just a couple of minor boundary matters: Normally, haiku don't use capital letters, except for proper names and such, and they virtually never use periods. Punctuation in English is normally by dashes, commas, semicolons, elipses, etc. to indicate various kinds of pauses.
Secondly, most haiku in our format will be two lines presenting ONE impression of a moment in time and one line representing another vantage point of the same moment or some element of it.
As you work with haiku, you will discover that the more simple and natural your language, the better the haiku. Impressions of the moment rather than conclusions about it are the preferred also.
And you will also discover that though most haiku are SEASONAL or at least about some element of nature, you'll choose to use something in the environment to refer to the season rather than use the name of the season, at least most of the time.
I'll try to illustrate in reference to some of your excellent snapshots, but noting again that I'm no expert. Just trying to provide some further light on your work for your consideration:
QUOTE (Rhymer @ Dec 18 12, 15:33 )
Three Winter Haiku.
Frigid reception
a glacial intrusion
marks winter’s onset.
or something like:
frigid reception;
an icy intrusion
from the very firstQUOTE
A snowflake ballet
abandoned dervish dancing
winter’s cavalcade.
or something like:
a snowflake ballet
with dervish abandon -
winter cavalcadeQUOTE
Frosty filigree
exquisite embellishment
rimed fantasy
or something like:
frosty filigree
embellishes the window -
fantasy in rimePlease note that I'm not SUGGESTING LINES for you, but simply pointing your framework in a sLightly different direction. Use your own words, but don't be afraid of using one or two of mine that I offer you. It's YOUR work either way, ya know. I'm simply trying to embellish YOUR IMPRESSIONS within the framework of the haiku form.
deLighting in the anticipation of our dialogue, Daniel