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> Winter, Three Haiku for Winter
Rhymer
post Dec 18 12, 15:33
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Three Winter Haiku.

Frigid reception
a glacial intrusion
marks winter’s onset.

A snowflake ballet
abandoned dervish dancing
winter’s cavalcade.

Frosty filigree
exquisite embellishment
rimed fantasy

Rhymer.
(Is there no life left amongst Members? Seems the site is very turgid of late. Maybe these will get someone to say something? Maybe my computer refuses to allow me to see what's cooking? Christmas blues?)
 
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Larry
post Dec 28 12, 00:15
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Hi Denis,

The lack of posts? I don't think it has anything to do with the "winter blues" but feel it's the "moribund muse". I try to answer any post I see but have been working on a "winter sonnet" for the last week or two. Daniel and I trade quips in haiku, senyru, etc. but I've seen very little activity anywhere else in MM for quite some time.

I know the standard of 5-7-5 is what everyone looks for in Haiku and, for the most part, follow that myself. In your first post, you might consider changing "of" to "a" thus linking L2 with L3. No big deal but to me, the word glacial has "slooooooow" connotations and that would mean a long reception if L1 links with L2.

I enjoyed the other two haiku with no crits. Winter and nature, of themselves, provide wonderful fodder with which to gleen ideas when writing in most any genre.

Thanks for coming to what is becoming a near "ghost town"!

Larry


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When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
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Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

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Rhymer
post Dec 28 12, 11:12
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Point well taken Larry and I see your point. Haiku have never been something I've hankered to write much and there's a lot I've to learn before mastering their style.

Ghost town? I do believe I saw the ghost of Christmas past lurking in the shadows yesterday! Either that or another nameless member keeping a low profile in case they were spotted! Lol! Dead Man's Gulch has nothing on MM of late. Such a shame as there's been some excellent pieces posted and comments made, but not of late.

Challenges too, have been in short supply. They invariably excite me to compose, even if my results are rather obscure to some. Maybe, the New year will see some activity again? We can but hope! Fortunately I belong to another very active site, which keeps me on my toes and entertained - although there are some members who write, that leave me wondering? wondering? wondering? and completely bamboozled as to why, they do so? Lol!

Happy New Year to you and yours Larry my friend and to all who drop in to the MM site to see "whose abroad" on this late December day. A snowy - all shovelled away - one and bitterly cold - minus 15 C at 11.00 am.

Ciao Denis.
 
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JustDaniel
post Dec 28 12, 23:29
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Greetings, Denis.

I've been absent for about a week simply because we had not internet connection because of a breakdown of our modem. That was partially corrected the other day after we totally lost electricity for three hours, and miraculously we got telephone and internet again when the electricity was restored...

but we did get a new modem today, a knowledgeable installer today to get our computer and ipad back onlike, and then a good phone tech tonight who helped me retool the memory in my laptop's internet adapter, so I can get online again.

I was only on long enough this morning to respond to Larry in Karnak, and I didn't have time to even look here... so here I am again, and extremely pleased to see that someone is venturing out of his comfort zone and into haiku!!


I've gotten something of a FEEL for haiku over the past couple of years in some both frivolous and serious adventuring into the form, but most folks don't take me seriously even when I'm serious, so I'm not sure whether I can be of much help...

but I'll try.

First, just a couple of minor boundary matters: Normally, haiku don't use capital letters, except for proper names and such, and they virtually never use periods. Punctuation in English is normally by dashes, commas, semicolons, elipses, etc. to indicate various kinds of pauses.

Secondly, most haiku in our format will be two lines presenting ONE impression of a moment in time and one line representing another vantage point of the same moment or some element of it.

As you work with haiku, you will discover that the more simple and natural your language, the better the haiku. Impressions of the moment rather than conclusions about it are the preferred also.

And you will also discover that though most haiku are SEASONAL or at least about some element of nature, you'll choose to use something in the environment to refer to the season rather than use the name of the season, at least most of the time.

I'll try to illustrate in reference to some of your excellent snapshots, but noting again that I'm no expert. Just trying to provide some further light on your work for your consideration:
QUOTE (Rhymer @ Dec 18 12, 15:33 ) *
Three Winter Haiku.

Frigid reception
a glacial intrusion
marks winter’s onset.


or something like:

frigid reception;
an icy intrusion
from the very first


QUOTE
A snowflake ballet
abandoned dervish dancing
winter’s cavalcade.


or something like:

a snowflake ballet
with dervish abandon -
winter cavalcade


QUOTE
Frosty filigree
exquisite embellishment
rimed fantasy


or something like:

frosty filigree
embellishes the window -
fantasy in rime


Please note that I'm not SUGGESTING LINES for you, but simply pointing your framework in a sLightly different direction. Use your own words, but don't be afraid of using one or two of mine that I offer you. It's YOUR work either way, ya know. I'm simply trying to embellish YOUR IMPRESSIONS within the framework of the haiku form.

deLighting in the anticipation of our dialogue, Daniel sun.gif


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Eisa
post Jan 3 13, 19:17
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Snowflake.gif Good to see you back again, Dennis, especially writing haiku.

You've been given some excellent ideas from Daniel (who is more expert than me)

I look forward to your next post.

Happy New Year! PartyFavor.gif
Snow Snowflake.gif


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Rhymer
post Jan 28 13, 13:09
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My age and health do not seem to have an agreeable relationship of late, so once again, I'm weeks behind. Now winter has returned with a vengeance and I have to shovel a few tons of wet heavy snow, before we go leave to go anyplace. No place planned as it happens, but one never knows what emergency situation might develop.

As for Haiku? It was merely an experiment as it's not a favoured genre of mine, and doubtles advice given is good, but it's not suited for me I guess, so I'll not be bothered with more. I'll stick to the challenges and what I "think" I know. Safer that way! Thanks anyway. Ciao Denis.
 
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JustDaniel
post Mar 13 13, 11:12
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Hey, Denis...

I'm here hoping that the spring will be seeing you in less difficulty and pain, and that we'll see you from time to time... and not worrying at all about 'catching up.

deLighting always to see your name, Daniel sun.gif


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Maureen
post Apr 15 13, 20:31
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Well I liked them Denis - would hate to see you give up on them. I also find them difficult, and a real challenge to get them just right. I beleive the 5/7/5 structure is preferred but was told by another very good Haiku writer that as long as the syllable count overall did not exceed 17 it was still OK. I often refer to mine as Haiku styled which is a bit of a cheat I suppose, but I don't want to lay claim to something that technically isn't, if you get my drift.

We are just coming into our winter here in Australia and the nights are cooling down quickly so maybe I can take on your aches and pains and as the warmer weather finds you, hope that things might get a little easier for you

Cheers

Maureen


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Psyche
post Apr 16 13, 02:24
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Hi Denis,

I love haiku. So pleased I spotted yours on this S.H. autumnal dawn.

Same as Maureen remarked, perhaps your aches and pains will move south to us as your Spring arrives. Not that I need any!!

I see that Daniel has made some interesting suggestions. I have some in mind, but hope to return when light shines down on me...LOL...

It's quite true that nowadays the 5-7-5 syll count is considered invalid by many modern haiku poets. They have good reasons, but perhaps my innate need for tidyness prefers to stick to the old rule. You have, except in one instance. They're all attractive, but need a little tweaking, IMHO. I'm not an expert, of course.

I think the ghosts will move out as we populate the forums with our material presense. laugh.gif

Cheers,
Psyche cheer.gif


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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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