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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms _ Heralds of Springtime (Rev 2/New Title 14 Apr 2009)

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Mar 28 09, 19:20

Heralds of Springtime (Revision 2)

Pear blossom petals
dapple young sprouting grasses,
heralds of springtime.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

Classic Spring Heralds (Revision 1)

Pear blossom petals
dapple young sprouting grasses,
classic spring heralds.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

The Heralds of Spring (Original)

Pear blossom petals
dapple young sprouting grasses,
the heralds of spring.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

Posted by: Arnfinn Mar 30 09, 03:22

G'day Peg,

The Heralds of Spring

Pear blossom petals
dapple young sprouting grasses,
the heralds of spring. >>>> Dunno Peg. How about; 'a herald of Spring.'

Just me old Aussie view. Our spring, springs when everyone else's has sprung
Then again, June is bustin out all over. She's a BIG girl.

I'mmmmmmmmmmmm off.

John

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Mar 30 09, 07:10

Hi John,

It's interesting that you also thought of making "heralds" singular. I wondered about that myself! I'm still pondering it!

That's right! Is it fall in Australia now?

Good to hear from you!!! Thanks for reading and pondering!!

Peggy

Posted by: Arnfinn Apr 2 09, 04:36

Yeah, Peg. Autumn is falling all over the place.

What do ya think.

John

Posted by: ohsteve Apr 2 09, 11:27

Peggy, I understand why John might have wanted it change to singular but "petals, and grasses are plural and I feel 'heralds' should be plural too... don't know... I am not an english major...lol

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Apr 3 09, 12:35

Hi Steve,

Thanks for reading and your comment. You are right: "Heralds" does need to be plural because "petals" and "grasses" are plural. Thanks!

Peggy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Apr 3 09, 17:51

Hi Peggy,

A lovely image!

I would suggest substituting 'the' in L3 with a descriptive word like 'stark' or 'bright' - something along those lines and also a semi-colon after grasses.

Enjoyed the read,
~Cleo

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Apr 3 09, 19:00

Hi Cleo,

Thank you for reading, commenting, and the suggestion of a one-syllable descriptive word!! I'll get out the thesaurus as well as give it some thought. Can't use the semi-colon though. The last line functions as an appositive and should be separated from the rest of the sentence with a comma.

Peggy

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Apr 4 09, 07:42

Hi folks,

Is the revision any better?

Peggy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Apr 4 09, 07:50

Hi Peggy,

This one is getting there! Not sure about 'classic' though. Here are a few other options for your consideration:

Heralds of springtide

or

Heralds of seedtime

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: ace Apr 5 09, 15:13

Peggy:

This one is certainly getting there...in fact it may have arrived.

With respect to the "herald"-"heralds" issue: while grasses and petals are plural, they could have a single herald; but I like the idea of three or four men with long horns playing to welcome spring.

ace

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Apr 6 09, 19:00

Hi Cleo and Ace,

Thank you both so much for dropping in!! Much appreciated!! Right now I'm putting this poem on hold to think about it for a bit. Maybe something will come to me, as I'm not sure if it's finished or not. Thanks again for your comments!!

Peggy

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Apr 14 09, 06:21

Hi again folks,

I've changed the title again and the last line. What do you think?

Peggy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Apr 14 09, 07:20

Peggy,

Yeserie, I think this one is ready for the 'done' file.

Beautiful!

~Cleo

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Apr 21 09, 10:39

Hi Cleo,

Thanks so much for sticking with me on this!!

Peggy