Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Christmas Villanelle- small edits
anaisa
post Dec 24 10, 15:06
Post #1


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



The silver pine is lit with strands of blue,
a robin's tucked beside the window sill.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you.

My kitchen is aglow, the baking through.
A scent of ginger cookies warms the chill,
the silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

Each greeting card is propped up for review
and presents form a multicolored hill.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you.

Small rose-lipped children warm their hands and view
the fire, little toes are pink and still.
The silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

Knit stockings on the mantle hang askew
with plastic toys and candy canes that spill
across their rims. And all the songs we knew

and learned throughout the years, seem ever true
around this joyous season of goodwill—
when silver pines are lit with stands of blue
and every Christmas Eve I think of you.


First one

The sliver pine is lit with strands of blue,
a robin's tucked beside the window sill.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you.

My kitchen is aglow, the baking, through.
A scent of ginger cookies warms the chill,
the silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

Each greeting card is propped up for review
and presents form a colored, layered hill.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you.

Small rose-lipped children warm their hands and view
the fire, little toes are pink and still.
The silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

Knit stockings on the mantle hang askew
with plastic toys and candy canes that spill
across their rims. And all the songs we knew

and learned throughout the years, seem ever true
around this joyous season of goodwill—
when silver pines are lit with stands of blue
and every Christmas Eve I think of you.


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Dec 28 10, 17:10
Post #2


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Karen - how are you surviving the snow here in UK?

I like this seasonal villanelle - a form I've never tried. You've done a good job here!


QUOTE (anaisa @ Dec 24 10, 20:06 ) *
The sliver pine is lit with strands of blue,
a robin's tucked beside the window sill.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you.

L1 - should it be silver pine?

My kitchen is aglow, the baking, through.
A scent of ginger cookies warms the chill,
the silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

Mmm... those ginger cookies smell good!
L1 - I'm not sure whether the comma is needed after baking


Each greeting card is propped up for review
and presents form a layered, colored hill.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you.

L2 - not sure about 'layered, coloured' - perhaps multi-colored?


Small rose-lipped children warm their hands and view
the fire, little toes are pink and still.
The silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

Knit stockings on the mantle hang askew
with plastic toys and candy canes that spill
across their rims. And all the songs we knew

and learned throughout the years, seem ever true
around this joyous season of goodwill—
when silver pines are lit with stands of blue
and every Christmas Eve I think of you.


Good meter Karen. I really emjoyed this.
Eira


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
anaisa
post Dec 29 10, 05:32
Post #3


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



Thanks for the suggestions, Eira. I liked "multicolored."
Glad you are having a nice holiday...yeah you should try one of these,
this is my forth one, I can only do a few a year because
they drive me crazy!

K


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JustDaniel
post Dec 29 10, 14:10
Post #4


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 12,781
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Greetings, Karen...

It's been so long since I've written a villanelle. I must do it again soon. You've met the challenge very well, and I love the variation on each of the two lines in the closing couplet.

I'm sure that you know that you abandoned the pure form in your fifth tercet, totally eliminating Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you. That, of course, may well strengthen the piece as a stand-alone poem, even though technically it becomes rather a variation on a villanelle.

deLighting in your excellent meter and consistent rhyme, Daniel sun.gif


P.S. Since this is a WORKSHOP, it is always most helpful NOT to merely revise your piece without notation, but rather to post your original piece intact beneath your revision, so that each participant can watch the revision and learn along with you! Please consider doing that, would you?


·······IPB·······

Slow down; things will go faster!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Dec 29 10, 16:04
Post #5


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 9,448
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi Karen,

I see Daniel already suggested "Villanelle Variation" as your piece does not comply with the rigid standards of the Villanelle. I've read it a few times and have found only one other minor metric blip. Line 2 in your 4th tercet is short one syl. Suggest adding "their" before little toes are pink and still. This should make the whole piece penta-perfect.

Loved the picture you have painted. Hope you are not getting that horrid flooding rain where you live.

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
anaisa
post Dec 29 10, 16:31
Post #6


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



Hi Daniel,

No problem I can do that with the poems, just repost each version above the other.
Glad you didn't see too much wrong with it.
Thanks-
Karen


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
anaisa
post Dec 29 10, 16:36
Post #7


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



Hi Larry,


Thanks for checking it all. The word "fire" always throws me, in this
poem I chose to drag out the word to sound like Fi-re and I fiddled
with it both ways, as one syllable and two. Anyway- I'm open on that.
Glad you liked it - I've been in England the past 2 weeks so I missed the rain,
I'm near Eira...and was buried in snow! Going home to rain, I think...
Karen


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JustDaniel
post Dec 29 10, 16:44
Post #8


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 12,781
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Karen,

though I had read the two-syllable 'fie-uhr' along with you, which I often use myself, I believe that making the addition that Larry suggests would make it more universally read without a hiccup. You also need to add a semicolon, or you have a run-on.

QUOTE
Small rose-lipped children warm their hands and view
the fire[;] their little toes are pink and still.
The silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

deLighting in the sharing, Daniel sun.gif


·······IPB·······

Slow down; things will go faster!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 14th October 2019 - 18:02




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: