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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Christmas Villanelle- small edits

Posted by: anaisa Dec 24 10, 15:06

The silver pine is lit with strands of blue,
a robin's tucked beside the window sill.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you.

My kitchen is aglow, the baking through.
A scent of ginger cookies warms the chill,
the silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

Each greeting card is propped up for review
and presents form a multicolored hill.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you.

Small rose-lipped children warm their hands and view
the fire, little toes are pink and still.
The silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

Knit stockings on the mantle hang askew
with plastic toys and candy canes that spill
across their rims. And all the songs we knew

and learned throughout the years, seem ever true
around this joyous season of goodwill—
when silver pines are lit with stands of blue
and every Christmas Eve I think of you.

First one

The sliver pine is lit with strands of blue,
a robin's tucked beside the window sill.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you.

My kitchen is aglow, the baking, through.
A scent of ginger cookies warms the chill,
the silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

Each greeting card is propped up for review
and presents form a colored, layered hill.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you.

Small rose-lipped children warm their hands and view
the fire, little toes are pink and still.
The silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

Knit stockings on the mantle hang askew
with plastic toys and candy canes that spill
across their rims. And all the songs we knew

and learned throughout the years, seem ever true
around this joyous season of goodwill—
when silver pines are lit with stands of blue
and every Christmas Eve I think of you.

Posted by: Eisa Dec 28 10, 17:10

Hi Karen - how are you surviving the snow here in UK?

I like this seasonal villanelle - a form I've never tried. You've done a good job here!

QUOTE (anaisa @ Dec 24 10, 20:06 )

The sliver pine is lit with strands of blue,
a robin's tucked beside the window sill.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you.

L1 - should it be silver pine?

My kitchen is aglow, the baking, through.
A scent of ginger cookies warms the chill,
the silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

Mmm... those ginger cookies smell good!
L1 - I'm not sure whether the comma is needed after baking

Each greeting card is propped up for review
and presents form a layered, colored hill.
Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you.

L2 - not sure about 'layered, coloured' - perhaps multi-colored?

Small rose-lipped children warm their hands and view
the fire, little toes are pink and still.
The silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

Knit stockings on the mantle hang askew
with plastic toys and candy canes that spill
across their rims. And all the songs we knew

and learned throughout the years, seem ever true
around this joyous season of goodwill—
when silver pines are lit with stands of blue
and every Christmas Eve I think of you.

Good meter Karen. I really emjoyed this.
Eira

Posted by: anaisa Dec 29 10, 05:32

Thanks for the suggestions, Eira. I liked "multicolored."
Glad you are having a nice holiday...yeah you should try one of these,
this is my forth one, I can only do a few a year because
they drive me crazy!

K

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 29 10, 14:10

Greetings, Karen...

It's been so long since I've written a villanelle. I must do it again soon. You've met the challenge very well, and I love the variation on each of the two lines in the closing couplet.

I'm sure that you know that you abandoned the pure form in your fifth tercet, totally eliminating Tonight is Christmas Eve, I'll think of you. That, of course, may well strengthen the piece as a stand-alone poem, even though technically it becomes rather a variation on a villanelle.

deLighting in your excellent meter and consistent rhyme, Daniel

P.S. Since this is a WORKSHOP, it is always most helpful NOT to merely revise your piece without notation, but rather to post your original piece intact beneath your revision, so that each participant can watch the revision and learn along with you! Please consider doing that, would you?

Posted by: Larry Dec 29 10, 16:04

Hi Karen,

I see Daniel already suggested "Villanelle Variation" as your piece does not comply with the rigid standards of the Villanelle. I've read it a few times and have found only one other minor metric blip. Line 2 in your 4th tercet is short one syl. Suggest adding "their" before little toes are pink and still. This should make the whole piece penta-perfect.

Loved the picture you have painted. Hope you are not getting that horrid flooding rain where you live.

Larry

Posted by: anaisa Dec 29 10, 16:31

Hi Daniel,

No problem I can do that with the poems, just repost each version above the other.
Glad you didn't see too much wrong with it.
Thanks-
Karen

Posted by: anaisa Dec 29 10, 16:36

Hi Larry,

Thanks for checking it all. The word "fire" always throws me, in this
poem I chose to drag out the word to sound like Fi-re and I fiddled
with it both ways, as one syllable and two. Anyway- I'm open on that.
Glad you liked it - I've been in England the past 2 weeks so I missed the rain,
I'm near Eira...and was buried in snow! Going home to rain, I think...
Karen

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 29 10, 16:44

Karen,

though I had read the two-syllable 'fie-uhr' along with you, which I often use myself, I believe that making the addition that Larry suggests would make it more universally read without a hiccup. You also need to add a semicolon, or you have a run-on.

QUOTE

Small rose-lipped children warm their hands and view
the fire[;] their little toes are pink and still.
The silver pine is lit with strands of blue.

deLighting in the sharing, Daniel