Rondeau, Poetic Form Exercise Options

[JustDaniel]

a rondeau variant [varied the vowels in 'a' rhyme of each stanza]:


Organ Recital By Candlelight

By candlelight the organ pipes
are drowning out complaints and gripes
that rose in swelt'ring heat today;
now grumpiness won’t have its sway.
Conditioned air, our frowns would wipe.

In fact, it's really cold. I drape
my arm around my wife (no cape
of course) as we enjoy her play
by candlelight.

We stand to sing as one large group
rejoicing ere we leave… to droop
and wilt again in ev'nings gray
yet pleased that we had come to pray,
refreshed, prepared to brave the soup
by candlelight.

© MLee Dickens'son 18 July 2006

at the Episcopal Church
Colonial Williamsburg, VA

[Cleo_Serapis]

A lovely Rondeau Daniel!

You've inspired me to write one!

I enjoyed your inner rhymes: candelight/pipes.

Reminds me of an all-day workshop I attended for Bose, it was SO COLD there, I went outside a few times to 'warm up' - LOL!

Cheers
Lori

[JustDaniel]

Thank you Lori...

and here's another one that I wrote in church last Sunday. It needs a bit of work, but I can't post if for crit just yet:

Know Meaning

Is there no meaning in this life?
Inside and out is constant strife
between what's good and what is not,
what’s out of style and what is hot,
conflicting values, ways are rife.

Enslaved for freedom of belief,
great cultures shipwrecked on a reef,
blood-feuds forgetting why they've fought.
Is there no meaning?

A husband leaves his aging wife,
a promise ended with a knife,
integrity that's sold and bought…
O, my attention God has caught:
Those who know, that He who knows our grief
is there, know meaning.

© MLee Dickens'son 23 July 2006

[JustDaniel]

The Tide Will Turn

The tide will turn, though you defy
its rhythm; build your levee high
if you'd encroach on its domain.
The evidence is strewn with pain;
new moon comes with an ev'ning sky.

It may evade your watching eye
behind dark clouds, yet it will hie
awaiting waves to flood the main.
The tide will turn.

But in its wake, should you decry
sad devastation, sea but cries
to keep a distance; you may gain
appreciation for His reign
o'er ocean, earth and all on high.
The tide will turn.

© MLee Dickens'son 20 Sept 2006

[JustDaniel]

He Walks

He walks on water at the sea
then laughs, says ‘Pop’ and points to me.
He turns his grape juice into whine
and says whatever’s his is ‘mine’.
He utters words… we all agree.

His parents train him to be free
of foolishness, but all can see
Grand Mom and Grand Dad, him define:
‘He walks on water.’

Mi-Mom and I still clap with glee
when Tre does dances at our knee.
We all, though, know there’ll come a time
when he is really out of line
and we’ll together all decree,
‘He walks on thin ice.’

© MLee Dickens'son 21 Sept 2006

[AMETHYST]

Daniel I bow to your skill, talent and creativity. I know how difficult the Roundeau can be and yet, you make them appear to be smooth as butter.

I've done my first and with lots of help from you, is slowly improving. I will be back soon to post my second here (once I write it!) LOL

[Cleo_Serapis]

He Walks

He walks on water at the sea
then laughs, says ‘Pop’ and points to me.
He turns his grape juice into whine
and says whatever’s his is ‘mine’.
He utters words… we all agree.

His parents train him to be free
of foolishness, but all can see
Grand Mom and Grand Dad, him define:
‘He walks on water.’

Mi-Mom and I still clap with glee
when Tre does dances at our knee.
We all, though, know there’ll come a time
when he is really out of line
and we’ll together all decree,
‘He walks on thin ice.’

© MLee Dickens'son 21 Sept 2006

Hi Daniel.

This is a topic I'm sure any parent/relative can relate to. BRAVO!

He turns his grape juice into whine
and says whatever’s his is ‘mine’.

Tee hee: "Mine, mine, all mine..... have some cheese with that whine!"

I'm not certain - can the Rondeau have a different refrain in closing? I know you've done that here in this poem for fun, however, is it technically proper to change that refrain?

Since this is the learning thread on the form, I want make certain we are teaching the proper parameters (if not, just a side note about it is recommended).

Please let me know.

Thanks
Lori

[JustDaniel]

Here's a kind of 'instructinal rondeau' about rondeau-writing, as per Lori's request in another thread in Karnak:

A Repetition

A repetition choice — one key
in rondeau-writing — sets you free
to DUM di-DUM di-DUM di-DOH
your substance in between your flow
beyond a careful brevity

in seriousness, levity,
pure fiction, joy, grief, honesty.
If mem'rable, from it may grow
a repetition

readers grasp, perhaps to be
a poem read beneath that tree
where lovers rest, or when they row
across the pond where flowers grow
in summer, granting memory
a repetition.

© MLee Dickens'son 07 Oct 2006

[AMETHYST]

Oh wow Daniel...

Absolutely amazing. I especially love the repended lines and their change about. Especially the final refrain. It is quite powerful. I am quite impressed. I wish there were another word to describe how talented I think you are.

Excellent...
Best Regards, Liz

[AMETHYST]

I'm not certain - can the Rondeau have a different refrain in closing? I know you've done that here in this poem for fun, however, is it technically proper to change that refrain?

Hey Lori,

Yes, from what I've read in several online and in books of forms I have at home... it is a technique often used to allow the refrain to take on new life and meaning.

Although the change should be slight, and should bring some twist or turn about from the original refrain line. You can do these with changes in punctuation or changing a noun ...
(like
He loves her so ...
then ...

she loves him so ...

This is quite noticable change but ... I've been working on a new Rondeau and the refrain is 'He died by spring...then in the 2nd stanza, it is he died. By spring, while in the final it is ... 'he died in spring' the slight change from 'by' to 'in' will be relevant to the meaning of by spring (which holds a dual meaning) and the the change to 'in' should offer the reader a stronger twist from by/in ...

I don't know how good it will be when finished, but it is my project right now! :)

Many known poets that right in Rondeau's often use this technique. Thought as they say, first learn the rules then learn how to break them right!


Hugs, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Thank you, Liz and Lori...

I had not noticed Lori's question, but you anwered it quite adequately.

As to the specifics of my 'He Walks' piece, I tried to build up the expectation of that repeated line... but in a twist offer a frozen stare across the water that froze the water he was walking upon... now thin ice.

The WORDS change a bit more drastically that the usual rondeau, of course, but then ice is merely water in a different form... as are clouds.

If you like, I'd be happy to add a note to this effect directly following the piece. Let me know.

deLighting to discover, share, support, enforce poetic parameters... and then experiment in stretching them sLightly, Daniel

[JustDaniel]

I's needed fixed

"I need a fix to function…" See
the evidence? Not clear to me!
That cunning, baffling lack of fear
keeps stalking me to keep me near,
and soon I get its help to steer…

"I'm doin' fine; my jamboree's
a free-for-all… so let me be!"
I go my way and stuff my tears;
I need a fix.

"My life don' need no referee…"
soon I'm adrift on lonely sea,
lost days and nights, now months and years
until I seek the help of peers
like you. I love this camaraderie;
eyes needed fixed.

© MLee Dickens'son 27 Oct 2006

at Broken Bottle Club Newners AA meeting

[JustDaniel]

Deep Wounds

Deep wounds from long ago can feel
the agony its scars reveal
when they’re uncovered; you may find
hot tears, a whimper undefined
back then — from flashbacks very real.

Eye-smiles and gracious growth conceal
sharp pain that once had turned the wheel
of destiny to leave behind
deep wounds.

They’d burned and bled; He nudged the keel
in quiet, left his promised Seal —
discovered later to remind
us of His presence in the grind
of life, where He can ever heal
deep wounds.


© MLee Dickens’son 30 Nov 2006

for my Aunt Delores Wright Cole

[AMETHYST]

Beautiful work Daniel. I love the teetering I read into this one.

Very powerful...

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Beautiful work Daniel. I love the teetering I read into this one.

Very powerful...

Hugs, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Thanks much, Liz. Here's another one hot off the press from a challenge to use particular phrases:

Stuck to my Feet

I've tried to walk in lockstep, but
each sidewalk square has loomed to cut
my pace; light, heart-sown singing seed
could rarely germinate, and weeds
would grow. My songs fall on their butt.

A lyric moonlight loosed what's shut,
and words pour forth that fit somewhat.
They hound me, and though I've been treed,
I've tried to walk.

The word-swarms thickened, till my gut
could not contain the verbal glut.
I typed them out; some were indeed
revised by evening. Still, I plead
for help to lift me from my rut;
I've tried to walk.

© MLee Dickens'son 26 Dec 2006

[AMETHYST]

I've tried to walk in lockstep, but
each sidewalk square has loomed to cut
my pace; light, heart-sown singing seed
could rarely germinate, and weeds
would grow. My songs fall on their butt.

A lyric moonlight loosed what's shut,
and words pour forth that fit somewhat.
They hound me, and though I've been treed,
I've tried to walk.

The word-swarms thickened, till my gut
could not contain the verbal glut.
I typed them out; some were indeed
revised by evening. Still, I plead
for help to lift me from my rut;
I've tried to walk.

Great work. I like the slight humorous phrases that hide away the more emotionally triggering meanings through out. Great end rhymes, fresh and still unnoticable. They go unforced.

As always Daniel, you have amazed me with your skill, talents and variety of subject matter... now if I can only get 2 lines together, I would finally have done a couplet... Oh this writers block has been cement mind... LOL

Hugs, Liz

[JustDaniel]

In that case, Liz...

this is for you...


Concrete Lizard

My mind's cement and so complex;
it's composition seems to vex
my friends and family—even me.
Where is my creativity?
I try to write; my pen objects.

I guess with all those tiny flecks
of silicates, it meets the specs
of concrete; take out rocks, debris,
my mind’s cement.

I want it merely to annex
a little abstract; it subjects
me to a fight. Brain won't agree
unless I plead on bended knee
like it's tyrannosaurus rex.
My mind’s cement.

© MLee Dickens'son 30 Dec 2006

for Elizabeth D from her comment above.

[AMETHYST]

HAHAAA... Thank You Daniel,
This is a treasure... and it is like you got a good look at my mind and pulled out the words!

Hugs, Liz ...

[JustDaniel]

So Quickly

So quickly has the eagle spread
her wings to glide beyond his head
and leave behind this waddling duck
who quacked when she had lost her pluck
here molting... helped her look ahead.

He flaps his wings in honor, sheds
a tear of joy... but where he treads
e'en webbed feet slip upon its muck
so quickly.

He gains his balance; now he's steady,
shakes his feathers, looks ahead
then tries his flapping wings with pluck
to join his fellows who've been struck
by warming waters strewn with bread
so quickly.

© MLee Dickens'son 04 March 2007