Mist R&M (revision), Sorry I'm late answering - wthout computer for almost 2 weeks. Options

[Eisa]

Sorry everyone for being away and not replying here, but my computer was being repaired. I've been suffering awful withdrawal symptoms and it is so good to be back!

Snow.


This is another oldie that I felt was time to give another look.


Mist (revision 16/05/07)

It drifts around me, like a veil
of dampness, infiltrating bones.
My blood is cold, emotions frail,
I stoop, as aching shoulders groan.

This fragile shroud beclouds the light,
its cobwebs cling to fog my thought
as brumous layers blur my sight,
ideas corrode ‘til I’m distraught.

When mizzle sprinkles, like the dew,
it’s lace embraces me with tears,
until a glinting ray shows through
to desiccate persistent fears.

As hope comes blinking through the haze
my shivers dwindle. Warmth assists
to strengthen weakness -- heat ablaze!
Afflictions vanish with the mist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mist

It drifts around me, like a veil
of dampness, spreading through old bones.
My blood is cold -- emotions frail,
as aching joints begin to groan.
This fragile shroud obscures the light;
its cobwebs cling to cloud my mind.
The brumous layer blurs my sight --
as thoughts corrode, I’m almost blind.

The moisture sprinkles, fine as dew;
a soft embrace of lacy tears.
Then brightness slowly filters through
as mizzle dries and disappears.
That suffocating mantle lifts
and glowing comfort soon provides
relief. The foggy membrane drifts
away; persistent pain subsides.

New hope comes piercing through the haze
and shivers dwindle. Warmth assists
to strengthen weakness -- heat ablaze!
Afflictions vanish with the mist.

[Mary Boren]

Nice one, Snow. Vaporizer mist, huh? Code in the node. I like the way you kept me guessing. I also enjoyed learning two new word. (brumous and mizzle)

A few thoughts:

It drifts around me, like a veil
of dampness, spreading through old bones.

At the risk of putting too fine a point on it, I would submit that if it's drifting around you, it can't really be like spreading through you. But now that I look again, I see the veil of dampness is the intended simile. Sorry, but it did make me pause. I don't think the spondee works well here. Do they have to be old bones?

My blood is cold -- emotions frail,

I've never been completely sure about the correct usage of an emdash, but I think a comma would be better here. See what you think.

The brumous layer blurs my sight --
as thoughts corrode, I’m almost blind.

Again, I don't think the emdash is needed. I like the idea of thoughts corroding from excess moisture.

The moisture sprinkles, fine as dew;
a soft embrace of lacy tears.

It took me a minute to figure out that you were using sprinkles as a noun, and anytime I have to stop there's always a chance I won't get back into the mood, but it's not a major problem. I like the image of a lacy tear embrace, but this is an incomplete sentence.

I'm glad to see this recycling idea catching on, because I haven't written anything new in such a long time.

I'll be watching this one with interest.

Mary

[laryalee]

Oh Snow,
until I read Mary's note on the vaporizer,
I didn't catch it! It's been so long since
I've used one...I remember when the kids
were little.

I enjoyed the rich descriptions...your
word power is great!
Now, in one way (but take this with a grain
of salt) I wonder if your last stanza is
repeating what you've told us in the four
preceding lines?
I find the last four stronger though.
So, just in case you wanted to consider
shortening it, this thought:


The moisture sprinkles, fine as dew;
a soft embrace of lacy tears.
Then brightness slowly filters through
as mizzle dries and disappears.
New hope comes piercing through the haze
and shivers dwindle. Warmth assists
to strengthen weakness -- heat ablaze!
Afflictions vanish with the mist.



Lary

[heartsong7]

Wow Snow,
How wonderfully your imagery captures despair and the return of hope.
I was very touched by this beautiful poem. The only thing I wondered about is "New hope"
maybe just "As hope comes piercing through the haze,
the shivers dwindle.

I'll be around and looking foward to reading more of your inspiring work.
Best,
Sue

[Daniel Barlow]

Hey Snow,

I see you haven't lost your touch for fitting words together.

It drifts around me, like a veil
of dampness, spreading through old bones.

Penetrating/permeating bones?

My blood is cold -- emotions frail,
as aching joints begin to groan.
This fragile shroud obscures the light;
its cobwebs cling to cloud my mind.
The brumous layer blurs my sight --
as thoughts corrode, I’m almost blind.

"I'm almost blind" seems tacked on for the sack of rhyme. I guess It's too predictable.

The moisture sprinkles, fine as dew;
a soft embrace of lacy tears.
Then brightness slowly filters through
as mizzle dries and disappears.

Very nice.

That suffocating mantle lifts
and glowing comfort soon provides
relief.

Here I feel it may be better to replace "comfort" with an action since it seems so close to relief.


The foggy membrane drifts
away; persistent pain subsides.

Really nice enjambment throughout this piece.

New hope comes piercing through the haze
and shivers dwindle. Warmth assists
to strengthen weakness -- heat ablaze!
Afflictions vanish with the mist.

I'd maybe look for an alternative for "piercing" blinking? I like the alt offered for "new hope"

It's well worked. There's the emotional/spiritual side of the story and the physical side. That duality is very nice.

Great to read you again.

Daniel :)

[Merlin]

Hello Snow,

Top marks here, as the others have noted. No, I didn't catch the vaporizer either, but I'm a bit dense by nature.

I was trying to come up with an alternate for "obscures" in L5, but "beclouds" would make the next line too cloudy.

Taint necessary, but I'd like to see "Mist" as the opening word, where you'd have "Mist drifts..." Others may not agree. It would also give full circle since it's the end-word.

Off on my brumous, and away!

Merlin

[Eisa]

Hi Mary

Nice one, Snow. Vaporizer mist, huh? Code in the node. I like the way you kept me guessing. I also enjoyed learning two new word. (brumous and mizzle)

Now I never even thought of a vaporizer when I wrote this a couple of years ago -- glad it kept you guessing though. Brumous was new to me too, but mizzle is one I've heard before. it seems to be used more in UK -- perhpas beacuse we get a lot of it here at times LOL!

A few thoughts:

It drifts around me, like a veil
of dampness, spreading through old bones.

At the risk of putting too fine a point on it, I would submit that if it's drifting around you, it can't really be like spreading through you. But now that I look again, I see the veil of dampness is the intended simile. Sorry, but it did make me pause. I don't think the spondee works well here. Do they have to be old bones?

Yes -- I can see where you'r coming from -- and no, I suppose thay really don't have to be old bones

My blood is cold -- emotions frail,

I've never been completely sure about the correct usage of an emdash, but I think a comma would be better here. See what you think.

Thanks for the link Mary, I think I wrote this in my 'I've learned an emdash period, when I probably over did it

The brumous layer blurs my sight --
as thoughts corrode, I’m almost blind.

Again, I don't think the emdash is needed. I like the idea of thoughts corroding from excess moisture.

The moisture sprinkles, fine as dew;
a soft embrace of lacy tears.

It took me a minute to figure out that you were using sprinkles as a noun, and anytime I have to stop there's always a chance I won't get back into the mood, but it's not a major problem. I like the image of a lacy tear embrace, but this is an incomplete sentence.

Mmmm... you're right it is incomplete. I think I'll have to rework this part. I'll keep the emracing lacy tears though (I like that too)


I'm glad to see this recycling idea catching on, because I haven't written anything new in such a long time.

It's a great idea Mary. I always get my oldies out when I can't think of anything I want to write about, that way it keeps the muse ticking over.

I'll be watching this one with interest.

I'll be working on it when I get time this week end. You've given me some good pointers to think on.

Thanks Snow

Mary

[Eisa]

Oh Snow,
until I read Mary's note on the vaporizer,
I didn't catch it! It's been so long since
I've used one...I remember when the kids
were little.

I enjoyed the rich descriptions...your
word power is great!
Now, in one way (but take this with a grain
of salt) I wonder if your last stanza is
repeating what you've told us in the four
preceding lines?
I find the last four stronger though.
So, just in case you wanted to consider
shortening it, this thought:

The moisture sprinkles, fine as dew;
a soft embrace of lacy tears.
Then brightness slowly filters through
as mizzle dries and disappears.
New hope comes piercing through the haze
and shivers dwindle. Warmth assists
to strengthen weakness -- heat ablaze!
Afflictions vanish with the mist.



Lary

Hi Lary

I'm glad you picked up the similarity between the 2 stanzas. That is one reason why I decided to revise as I felt a lot of points had become redundant. I will certainly trim back -- and i like your suggestion.

Thanks

Snow

[Eisa]

Wow Snow,
How wonderfully your imagery captures despair and the return of hope.
I was very touched by this beautiful poem. The only thing I wondered about is "New hope"
maybe just "As hope comes piercing through the haze,
the shivers dwindle.

I'll be around and looking foward to reading more of your inspiring work.
Best,
Sue

Dear Sue

How good it is to see you here again. I'm glad this one touched you -- and yes, 'As hope....' does seem better. Thanks!

Snow

[Eisa]

Hey Snow,
Hi Daniel
I see you haven't lost your touch for fitting words together.
I'm glad you think so
It drifts around me, like a veil
of dampness, spreading through old bones.

Penetrating/permeating bones?
Oh! great suggestions, Daniel. Thanks!
My blood is cold -- emotions frail,
as aching joints begin to groan.
This fragile shroud obscures the light;
its cobwebs cling to cloud my mind.
The brumous layer blurs my sight --
as thoughts corrode, I’m almost blind.

"I'm almost blind" seems tacked on for the sack of rhyme. I guess It's too predictable.
Yes -- I suppose if my sight is blurred I am almost blind. I'll think on that.
The moisture sprinkles, fine as dew;
a soft embrace of lacy tears.
Then brightness slowly filters through
as mizzle dries and disappears.

Very nice.

That suffocating mantle lifts
and glowing comfort soon provides
relief.

Here I feel it may be better to replace "comfort" with an action since it seems so close to relief.
True -- something else to think on

The foggy membrane drifts
away; persistent pain subsides.

Really nice enjambment throughout this piece.

New hope comes piercing through the haze
and shivers dwindle. Warmth assists
to strengthen weakness -- heat ablaze!
Afflictions vanish with the mist.

I'd maybe look for an alternative for "piercing" blinking? I like the alt offered for "new hope"
Mmm... blinking -- that might sound nice. As hope ... certainly better
It's well worked. There's the emotional/spiritual side of the story and the physical side. That duality is very nice.

Great to read you again.

Daniel :)

It's great to have you here, critting my work again Daniel. All good thoughts to mull over.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hello Snow,

Top marks here, as the others have noted. No, I didn't catch the vaporizer either, but I'm a bit dense by nature.

I was trying to come up with an alternate for "obscures" in L5, but "beclouds" would make the next line too cloudy.

Taint necessary, but I'd like to see "Mist" as the opening word, where you'd have "Mist drifts..." Others may not agree. It would also give full circle since it's the end-word.

Off on my brumous, and away!

Merlin

Hi Merlin

I do like beclouds -- perhaps I could change 'clouds' to 'fog' in the next line.

Interesting comment about the opening word. I probably wouldn't have thought of starting with 'Mist drifts' because I have it as the title -- s'pose titles can be changed though. Something else to think on.

Thanks for your thoughts

Snow

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Snow, the others have pretty much said everything. I think shortening it would make it more punchy too.

May I suggest semicolons instead of emdashes?

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Semicolon
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In English, the semicolon has two main purposes:

It binds two sentences more closely than they would be if separated by a full stop/period. It often replaces a conjunction such as and or but. Writers might consider this appropriate where they are trying to indicate a close relationship between two sentences, or a 'run-on' in meaning from one to the next; they do not want the connection to be broken by the abrupt use of a full stop.
It is used as a stronger division than a comma, or a "super comma," to make meaning clear in a sentence where commas are already being used for other purposes. A common example of this use is to separate the items of a list when some of the items themselves contain commas.
There are several rules that govern semicolon placement:

Use a semicolon between closely related independent clauses not joined by a coordinating conjunction: "I went to the pool; I was informed that it was closed."
Use a semicolon between independent clauses linked with a transitional phrase or conjunctive adverb: "I like to eat cows; however, they don't like to be eaten by me."
Use a semicolon between items in a series containing internal punctuation: "There are several Waffle Houses in Atlanta, Georgia; Greenville, South Carolina; Pensacola, Florida; and Mobile, Alabama."
A semicolon can be used to separate independent clauses that are joined by coordinating conjunctions when the clauses have internal commas that might lead to misreading: "After the game, I won a red beanie baby, four edible ingots, and a certificate of excellence; but when the storm came, I lost it all in a torrent of sleet, snow, and profanity."

Semicolons are always followed by a lower case letter, unless that letter begins a proper noun. Semicolons are placed after closing quotation marks.

Examples:

I am alone; my wife left me.
I traveled to London, England; Tijuana, Mexico; and Reykjavík, Iceland.
Lisa scored 2,845,770 points; Marcia, 2,312,860; and Jeff, 1,726,640.
(Note that the last semicolon in sentence 2 and 3 is acting as a serial comma.)

[Eisa]

Hi Kathy

Thanks for the info on semi colons, they are certainly better than dashes, although I've used more commas in my revision -- what do you think?

it's good to be back!

Snow

[Guest_Kathy_*]

It's good to have you back, Snow. I have missed you.

I believe congratulations are in order.

K xx

[Eisa]

It's good to have you back, Snow. I have missed you.

I believe congratulations are in order.

K xx

Thanks Kathy

Snow

[Judi]

Sorry everyone for being away and not replying here, but my computer was being repaired. I've been suffering awful withdrawal symptoms and it is so good to be back!

Snow.


This is another oldie that I felt was time to give another look.


Mist (revision 16/05/07)

It drifts around me, like a veil
of dampness, infiltrating bones.
My blood is cold, emotions frail,
I stoop, as aching shoulders groan.

This fragile shroud beclouds the light,
its cobwebs cling to fog my thought
as brumous layers blur my sight,
ideas corrode ‘til I’m distraught.

When mizzle sprinkles, like the dew,
it’s lace embraces me with tears,
until a glinting ray shows through
to desiccate persistent fears.

As hope comes blinking through the haze
my shivers dwindle. Warmth assists
to strengthen weakness -- heat ablaze!
Afflictions vanish with the mist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mist

It drifts around me, like a veil
of dampness, spreading through old bones.
My blood is cold -- emotions frail,
as aching joints begin to groan.
This fragile shroud obscures the light;
its cobwebs cling to cloud my mind.
The brumous layer blurs my sight --
as thoughts corrode, I’m almost blind.

The moisture sprinkles, fine as dew;
a soft embrace of lacy tears.
Then brightness slowly filters through
as mizzle dries and disappears.
That suffocating mantle lifts
and glowing comfort soon provides
relief. The foggy membrane drifts
away; persistent pain subsides.

New hope comes piercing through the haze
and shivers dwindle. Warmth assists
to strengthen weakness -- heat ablaze!
Afflictions vanish with the mist.

Hi...This is a wonderful poem, and the only thing that really catches my eye is this:

It drifts around me, like a veil
of dampness, infiltrating bones.

I wonder if you could use Pemeates

It drifts around me, like a veil
of dampness permeates bones.

[Eisa]

Hi Judi

You have got me thinking now as permeating was one of my word choices. (It would have to be permeating as permeates doesn't fit the meter/syllable count)

I'll give that some serious consideration, Judi -- thanks for the thought.

Snow