Revision 5.40:pm 26th September 2008
Air to a Summer's DAY
Summer: silent steps with gentle feet
and from flowers bees buzz merrily.
Creatures clothed in pigments that deceive;
dissolve into nature's wonderland--
where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek.
Air to a Summers DAY
Summer: steps with gentle feet
and from flowers, bees buzz merrily.
Insects sporting pigments that decieve
fade into coloured petaled chambers.
Where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek.
repeat
Where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek.
John
John, Is that first word summen or summer? Makes a big difference in how you read it...lol. My eyes can't quite make it out. I think you can leave off the 'and' from the second line. 'Coloured petaled' seems like a mouthful, almost make you stumble in that line. I like the image that forms when reading this, gives a feel of overall relaxation. JMHO...
Steve
G'day Steve,
Summer, mate.
I left a word out of the first line.
'silent'
Nah, think i'll leave the and in (9)
This is my revised version.
Summer: silent steps, with gentle feet, (9)
and from flowers bees buzz merrily. (9)
Creatures clothed in pigments that deceive; (9)
dissolve into natures wonderland, (9)
where blows a hot wind to kiss my cheek (9)
jOHN
Hi John,
I'm not familiar with this style, but I think your poem is quite lovely and lyrical!! Makes me wish it were still summer in the northern hemisphere, too!!
I can't give you any significant advise, but I do notice two nits. You shouldn't have the comma after "feet." Also, "nature" needs an apostrophe and an "s." (nature's)
Peggy
Hi, Peg
Nah, I want a pause before 'and'.
I put the postraphy in nature's.
I checked out 'Air'.
Qoute: Crudden.
It usually denotes a song (qv), tune or melody, or all three.
Frequently used in the late 16th c. and during the 17th when many
collections were published.
Cowper suggests the general sense, when, in A Winter Walk at Noon
he writes.
There is in souls a sympathy with sounds;
And, as the mind is pitch'd the ear is pleased
With melting airs, or martial, brisk, or grave:
Some chord in unison with what we hear,
Is touch'd within us, and the heart replies.
John.
Hi John,
Thanks for clarifying "air." Cowper explains it well! Quite beautiful too!!
Peggy
Hey John,
What a lovely new take on your Summer's Day saga! I haven't heard of this form before but your poem is very calm and serene. Other than not needing those commas up in L1, this is a lovely read!
Enjoyed mate.
~Cleo
Yeah, Peg,
The whole scenario, is captivating.
The plan is to use 9 sillybulls.
John
Hi Lori,
Yeah, I'm very happy with this piece.
What I need is a couple of more verses.
John
John, I like the change very much, makes for an easier read...
Thank Steve,
I think I'll take the girls advice n' take the comma's out.
John
your nine silly bulls sing a nice song Mister
Thank You PB,
dON'T GET ME GOING.
i'M PLEASED THAT YOU ARE TREADING THE BOARDS.
Keep your mind focused on the family at MM.
You won't go wrong.
Regards,
John
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