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> Fenced In, Swap Quatrain
JLY
post Mar 27 09, 06:56
Post #1


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Revised: 8/10/09


FENCED IN

Under a trepid guise, a cloudless night
summons a veil of anxious, eerie light;
haunting, vagabond ravens apprise
a cloudless night under a trepid guise.

Ravaged by fright, a belief once pallid
evokes refrains from a macabre ballad;
frozen figures reveal misery’s plight,
a belief once pallid, ravaged by fright.

Hysteric squalls fade in a spiritless mist,
but battered, weary egos still persist
as insecure emotions are hard to evade;
in a spiritless mist hysteric squalls fade.

Corral your fears with walls and fences,
barriers primed to curb dicey offenses,
often dreaded as sequestered spheres,
with walls and fences corral your fears.




FENCED IN

Under a trepid guise, a cloudless night
summons a veil of anxious, eerie light;
haunting, vagabond ravens apprise
a cloudless night under a trepid guise.

Ravaged by fright, a belief once pallid
evokes refrains from a macabre ballad;
frozen images illuminate misery’s plight,
a belief once pallid, ravaged by fright.

Hysteric squalls fade in a spiritless mist,
but battered, weary egos still persist
as insecure emotions are hard to evade;
in a spiritless mist hysteric squalls fade.

Corral your fears with walls and fences,
barriers primed to curb dicey offenses,
often dreaded as sequestered spheres,
with walls and fences corral your fears.


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Eisa
post Mar 31 09, 15:46
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Hi John

I still haven't tried one of these!!

This is excellent and vividly descriptive. On first read I can see nothing I'd change, but I'll be back to read again.

Snow Snowflake.gif


FENCED IN

Under a trepid guise, a cloudless night
summons a veil of anxious, eerie light;
haunting, vagabond ravens apprise
a cloudless night under a trepid guise.

Ravaged by fright, a belief once pallid
evokes refrains from a macabre ballad;
frozen images illuminate misery’s plight,
a belief once pallid, ravaged by fright.

Hysteric squalls fade in a spiritless mist,
but battered, weary egos still persist
as insecure emotions are hard to evade;
in a spiritless mist hysteric squalls fade.

Corral your fears with walls and fences,
barriers primed to curb dicey offenses,
often dreaded as sequestered spheres,
with walls and fences corral your fears.


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Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
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Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

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JLY
post Apr 1 09, 05:46
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Snow,
Thanks for stopping by for a visit. Once I attempted this form, it became addictive for me. I find them difficult, so I am just struggling, hoping to write the perfect one.
JLY


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Guest_Ishmael_*
post Jun 12 09, 09:48
Post #4





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I can't say that I'm much of an authority on this form but I thought you handled it quite well. The reversed lines never felt clunky or forced, which I imagine would be a very difficult thing to achieve. Unfortunately for me, I felt there was an uneasy relationship between the visual imagery and the more abstract phrases. I suppose the problem was that the visual images didn't connect to one another sufficiently and therefore didn't provide the necessary scaffolding for the less tangible elements. There were just too many disparate images for a piece of this length and the result was that none of them had the time or space to coalesce. This wouldn't be a difficult issue to fix, it would just require selecting one or two primary visual images to repeat a couple of times.

Anyway, that's all just personal preference and I must say I quite like it as it stands regardless.
 
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JLY
post Jun 12 09, 10:40
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Ishmael:

Thank you for your comments. You made me look at this in a different light and I understand more now what you are describing.

When I wrote it, I thought it was very clear and concise but evidently there may be a bit of confusion for the reader and I will take a second look at it to see if I can make it more clearcut.

Once again, thanks for your very helpful comments.

JLY


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Larry
post Jun 13 09, 14:51
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Hi John,

Nice read but I'm not sure of the metrics. I thought it was IP to start with but there are varying lengths from 9 - 12 syls. I'm not extremely well versed on all the metrical systems used in poetry so my suggestions would probably do more harm than good. Is "Fenced In", by any chance, an accentual SQ?

I did enjoy the visuals and even got a grin when thinking of people afraid of their own shadows. It's hard to fence and wall the shadows out.

Larry


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When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
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Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
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JLY
post Jun 14 09, 16:59
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Larry,
This is really a free form type of poem, no metrics are required for this format.

This is a universal theme; so many of us are afraid to come out of our comfort zones.

JLY


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Cleo_Serapis
post Aug 3 09, 19:18
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Hi John, wave.gif

Cool - you've penned another SQ! writersblock.gif I like the 'darkness', that 'doom' I felt after the read. I do have one suggestion for this stanza however:

Ravaged by fright, a belief once pallid
evokes refrains from a macabre ballad;
frozen images illuminate misery’s plight,
a belief once pallid, ravaged by fright.


I'm getting hung up on L3 - too many beats make it jerky compared to the easy flow of the rest of the poem. I suggest swapping the words 'images' and 'illuminate'. Maybe 'figures' and 'glean' might work for you?

Be back soon!
Enjoyed the read,
~Cleo ghostface.gif


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JLY
post Aug 4 09, 05:23
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Lori,
Thanks for the tip. This was one of my recent favorites and I want it to be the best it can be. Your suggestion is going to put me in the right direction.

JLY


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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!


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jgdittier
post Oct 14 09, 15:53
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Dear JLY,
I'm impressed whenever I read a "swapper" as I know they are fraught with difficulties.
I feel heroic myself when I attempt one.
My thought is- in that the form is so strict anf the swaps so difficult to manage, focus must be placed elsewhere as the swaps just can't be so perfect as they are the highlight of the piece. It seems to me that if they can be managed just to sound natural, some other element of the piece can garner the most attention. For me, it's just gotta be the flow. (It seems to me it always is, regardless of the choice of form.)
My guess is that tetrameter does it best and metric substitutions
unbalance the piece.
You are a powerful factor in writing these and I'd greatly appreciate your comments as to how to maximize them.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier


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JLY
post Oct 15 09, 05:23
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Ron,
I was intriqued by this form because I enjoyed reading them. They are very difficult to write and so much effort is put in composing the first and last line of a stanza that the 2nd and 3rd lines become filler or after-thoughts. I try to give all four lines of the stanza equal justice but oftentimes I am lamenting the degree of difficulty of trying to make the opening line one that can be twisted into a final thought.

I am still working on these and I just wrote one yesterday morning and posted it as a response to a book title challenge. I actually think it turned out ok, but I defer to others for their estute comments.

Thanks for offering your comments.
JLY


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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!


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Sekhmet
post Oct 16 09, 03:26
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Good morning JLY - Help! A fine set of impressionistic images - very clever! But, regretfully, after three careful readings, I simply couldn't make head nor tail of the whole poem.
For example,what is a, 'trepid guise'? I sought enlightenment in two Thesaurus?/Thesauri?; plus my built-in Spellcheck. But, 'trepid' was not on any horizon. .
Ishmael has put his reservations with more elegance than I can manage - but I simply felt overwhelmed by the disconnected images.
Sorry,
Leo.


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JLY
post Oct 16 09, 05:42
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Leo,
Thanks for your comments, but the images don't seem the least bit disconnected to me. In essence a trepid guise is an air of very tenuous and timid feelings; there is an air of unsteadiness among us and some of us feel like we are overcome with fear and we allow them to corral us or fence us in.
Sorry, the meaning doesn't come through to you, but I think this is quite powerful and one of my favorite poems.
Possilby it may be the form that you find disconcerting, but it is one that I enjoy using.
Once again, thanks for sharing your thoughts.
JLY


PS: Leo, please stop by and read my response to the Book Title Challenge #40; perhaps you might find my swap quatrain "At Dawn's Light" to be a better read.


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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!


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Sekhmet
post Oct 17 09, 02:12
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HI there JLY – No, I don't think it is the form that I find disconcerting, the form is perfectly simple to understand. It is definitely the content.

An example: How can the meaning of a non-existent word, 'come through' as you suggest?

You use the word, 'trepid', which does not exist. If I invented the word, 'Putant', and placed it into a poem; would the meaning become immediately apparent to you?

Of course it wouldn't! Your first thoughts might be – Typo! Impudent? Impotent? Putrid? What is she on about?

And the poem would have lost all its flow.

I, too, have recently contributed a poem that others found difficult to understand.
In my own mind, it was written in very plain, easy to understand language – but several others had problems with it; dear Steve even wondered if I had written a poem in praise of bestiality! I had had to accept that I had very definitely failed to communicate my thoughts to my audience.

If the meaning of any poem is not apparent after several careful readings,it has problems.

As my husband, (who, with his pen, supported us for sixty years ) would say, 'Incomprehensibility is like winking at a pretty girl in the dark - it gives you a nice, warm feeling, but no one else knows what the Hell you are up to.'

Sorry, but this one was too hard for me.

Leo



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jgdittier
post Oct 17 09, 06:37
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Dear JLY,
I'm a strong believer that poets grow partially by deviating from current accepted form. I think the acceptance of every banned poetic ploy that empowers the proffer's red pencil locks the writer into a straightjacket.
In my case I smiled when I came upon "trepid" and immediately was further impressed by your swapper when I checked to see if it were a proper word. I knew your meaning as I once attended "The Trepid Fox", a strip joint.
The swapper is for me the only form I'm aware of that would have a chance of acceptance. As it is admittedly experimental as being so seems to me a great spot to introduce a new word to the vocabulary.
I like too, the way you've used fences in a positive rather than negative admonition. Your closing line is a doozy!
If a book of swappers ever does reach the press, yours here should be in it!
Cheers, Ron jgdittier


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JLY
post Oct 17 09, 12:32
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Dear Leo:

In American dictionaries and online dictionaries, you will find the following:

Definitions of trepid:


adjective: timid by nature or revealing timidity


I understand what you are saying about making the poem understandable to the reader. I may tinker with it a bit to make it easier for the reader to see the images I am trying to convey.

Thanks,
JLY


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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!


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Sekhmet
post Oct 19 09, 11:50
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Hi JLY - Sorry, but I have checked with the Oxford English Dictionary, which covers the meanings of over half a million words - and, 'trepid' just isn't there. It is the OED that is used to adjudicate on words submitted in the World Scrabble Championships.
There is nothing wrong with inventing a word, in fact it's a great idea - but I still maintain that an invented word's meaning isn't always immediately apparent.
Leo

QUOTE
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QUOTE
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JLY
post Oct 19 09, 18:03
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Leo,
I couldn't disagree with you more. I can cite many dictionairies in which "trepid" is duly noted.

For example, Webster's Collegiate dictionary lists trepid (definition is timorous).

Rhymezone.com also lists it. If you want I can supply you with numerous authoritative sources.

Here is another source: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/trepid

In America, the English language is a bit different than you may have learned in your country and it is often divergent from that of our friends in England. We use different words with totally different meanings.

Your suggestion that I have invented a word is totally invalid and I am appalled that you would suggest such a thing. I believe an apology is in order. I do not invent words. You may not like the use of it, but it certainly is a valid word.

Thank you.
JLY


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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!


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JLY
post Oct 19 09, 18:06
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Ron,
Thanks for your friendly comments. Sometimes there are words out there that are not in our everyday lexicon, but they do exist.
The last line was one that I wanted to use to create an image that would be familiar to many of us when we are facing challenges, worries, and fears.
JLY


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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!


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