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Fenced In, Swap Quatrain |
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Mar 27 09, 06:56
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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Revised: 8/10/09FENCED IN
Under a trepid guise, a cloudless night summons a veil of anxious, eerie light; haunting, vagabond ravens apprise a cloudless night under a trepid guise.
Ravaged by fright, a belief once pallid evokes refrains from a macabre ballad; frozen figures reveal misery’s plight, a belief once pallid, ravaged by fright.
Hysteric squalls fade in a spiritless mist, but battered, weary egos still persist as insecure emotions are hard to evade; in a spiritless mist hysteric squalls fade.
Corral your fears with walls and fences, barriers primed to curb dicey offenses, often dreaded as sequestered spheres, with walls and fences corral your fears. FENCED IN
Under a trepid guise, a cloudless night summons a veil of anxious, eerie light; haunting, vagabond ravens apprise a cloudless night under a trepid guise.
Ravaged by fright, a belief once pallid evokes refrains from a macabre ballad; frozen images illuminate misery’s plight, a belief once pallid, ravaged by fright.
Hysteric squalls fade in a spiritless mist, but battered, weary egos still persist as insecure emotions are hard to evade; in a spiritless mist hysteric squalls fade.
Corral your fears with walls and fences, barriers primed to curb dicey offenses, often dreaded as sequestered spheres, with walls and fences corral your fears.
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Mar 31 09, 15:46
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi John
I still haven't tried one of these!!
This is excellent and vividly descriptive. On first read I can see nothing I'd change, but I'll be back to read again.
Snow FENCED IN
Under a trepid guise, a cloudless night summons a veil of anxious, eerie light; haunting, vagabond ravens apprise a cloudless night under a trepid guise.
Ravaged by fright, a belief once pallid evokes refrains from a macabre ballad; frozen images illuminate misery’s plight, a belief once pallid, ravaged by fright.
Hysteric squalls fade in a spiritless mist, but battered, weary egos still persist as insecure emotions are hard to evade; in a spiritless mist hysteric squalls fade.
Corral your fears with walls and fences, barriers primed to curb dicey offenses, often dreaded as sequestered spheres, with walls and fences corral your fears.
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Apr 1 09, 05:46
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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Snow, Thanks for stopping by for a visit. Once I attempted this form, it became addictive for me. I find them difficult, so I am just struggling, hoping to write the perfect one. JLY
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Guest_Ishmael_*
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Jun 12 09, 09:48
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Guest
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I can't say that I'm much of an authority on this form but I thought you handled it quite well. The reversed lines never felt clunky or forced, which I imagine would be a very difficult thing to achieve. Unfortunately for me, I felt there was an uneasy relationship between the visual imagery and the more abstract phrases. I suppose the problem was that the visual images didn't connect to one another sufficiently and therefore didn't provide the necessary scaffolding for the less tangible elements. There were just too many disparate images for a piece of this length and the result was that none of them had the time or space to coalesce. This wouldn't be a difficult issue to fix, it would just require selecting one or two primary visual images to repeat a couple of times.
Anyway, that's all just personal preference and I must say I quite like it as it stands regardless.
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Jun 13 09, 14:51
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,332
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi John,
Nice read but I'm not sure of the metrics. I thought it was IP to start with but there are varying lengths from 9 - 12 syls. I'm not extremely well versed on all the metrical systems used in poetry so my suggestions would probably do more harm than good. Is "Fenced In", by any chance, an accentual SQ?
I did enjoy the visuals and even got a grin when thinking of people afraid of their own shadows. It's hard to fence and wall the shadows out.
Larry
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Aug 3 09, 19:18
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi John, Cool - you've penned another SQ! I like the 'darkness', that 'doom' I felt after the read. I do have one suggestion for this stanza however: Ravaged by fright, a belief once pallid evokes refrains from a macabre ballad; frozen images illuminate misery’s plight, a belief once pallid, ravaged by fright.I'm getting hung up on L3 - too many beats make it jerky compared to the easy flow of the rest of the poem. I suggest swapping the words 'images' and 'illuminate'. Maybe 'figures' and 'glean' might work for you? Be back soon! Enjoyed the read, ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Oct 14 09, 15:53
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Group: Platinum Member
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From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear JLY, I'm impressed whenever I read a "swapper" as I know they are fraught with difficulties. I feel heroic myself when I attempt one. My thought is- in that the form is so strict anf the swaps so difficult to manage, focus must be placed elsewhere as the swaps just can't be so perfect as they are the highlight of the piece. It seems to me that if they can be managed just to sound natural, some other element of the piece can garner the most attention. For me, it's just gotta be the flow. (It seems to me it always is, regardless of the choice of form.) My guess is that tetrameter does it best and metric substitutions unbalance the piece. You are a powerful factor in writing these and I'd greatly appreciate your comments as to how to maximize them. Cheers, Ron jgdittier
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Oct 16 09, 03:26
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Group: Platinum Member
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From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK
Member No.: 754
Real Name: Leonora Wyatt
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:No one at all
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Good morning JLY - Help! A fine set of impressionistic images - very clever! But, regretfully, after three careful readings, I simply couldn't make head nor tail of the whole poem. For example,what is a, 'trepid guise'? I sought enlightenment in two Thesaurus?/Thesauri?; plus my built-in Spellcheck. But, 'trepid' was not on any horizon. . Ishmael has put his reservations with more elegance than I can manage - but I simply felt overwhelmed by the disconnected images. Sorry, Leo.
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Oct 16 09, 05:42
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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Leo, Thanks for your comments, but the images don't seem the least bit disconnected to me. In essence a trepid guise is an air of very tenuous and timid feelings; there is an air of unsteadiness among us and some of us feel like we are overcome with fear and we allow them to corral us or fence us in. Sorry, the meaning doesn't come through to you, but I think this is quite powerful and one of my favorite poems. Possilby it may be the form that you find disconcerting, but it is one that I enjoy using. Once again, thanks for sharing your thoughts. JLY
PS: Leo, please stop by and read my response to the Book Title Challenge #40; perhaps you might find my swap quatrain "At Dawn's Light" to be a better read.
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Oct 17 09, 02:12
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Group: Platinum Member
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HI there JLY – No, I don't think it is the form that I find disconcerting, the form is perfectly simple to understand. It is definitely the content.
An example: How can the meaning of a non-existent word, 'come through' as you suggest?
You use the word, 'trepid', which does not exist. If I invented the word, 'Putant', and placed it into a poem; would the meaning become immediately apparent to you?
Of course it wouldn't! Your first thoughts might be – Typo! Impudent? Impotent? Putrid? What is she on about?
And the poem would have lost all its flow.
I, too, have recently contributed a poem that others found difficult to understand. In my own mind, it was written in very plain, easy to understand language – but several others had problems with it; dear Steve even wondered if I had written a poem in praise of bestiality! I had had to accept that I had very definitely failed to communicate my thoughts to my audience.
If the meaning of any poem is not apparent after several careful readings,it has problems.
As my husband, (who, with his pen, supported us for sixty years ) would say, 'Incomprehensibility is like winking at a pretty girl in the dark - it gives you a nice, warm feeling, but no one else knows what the Hell you are up to.'
Sorry, but this one was too hard for me.
Leo
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Oct 17 09, 06:37
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Group: Platinum Member
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Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear JLY, I'm a strong believer that poets grow partially by deviating from current accepted form. I think the acceptance of every banned poetic ploy that empowers the proffer's red pencil locks the writer into a straightjacket. In my case I smiled when I came upon "trepid" and immediately was further impressed by your swapper when I checked to see if it were a proper word. I knew your meaning as I once attended "The Trepid Fox", a strip joint. The swapper is for me the only form I'm aware of that would have a chance of acceptance. As it is admittedly experimental as being so seems to me a great spot to introduce a new word to the vocabulary. I like too, the way you've used fences in a positive rather than negative admonition. Your closing line is a doozy! If a book of swappers ever does reach the press, yours here should be in it! Cheers, Ron jgdittier
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Oct 19 09, 11:50
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 743
Joined: 3-February 09
From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK
Member No.: 754
Real Name: Leonora Wyatt
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:No one at all
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Hi JLY - Sorry, but I have checked with the Oxford English Dictionary, which covers the meanings of over half a million words - and, 'trepid' just isn't there. It is the OED that is used to adjudicate on words submitted in the World Scrabble Championships. There is nothing wrong with inventing a word, in fact it's a great idea - but I still maintain that an invented word's meaning isn't always immediately apparent. Leo QUOTE The Second Edition of the OED is currently available as a 20-volume print edition, on CD-ROM, and now also online. Updated quarterly with between one and two thousand new and revised entries, OED Online offers unparalleled access to the 'greatest continuing work of scholarship that this century has produced' (Newsweek). QUOTE The Oxford English Dictionary is the accepted authority on the evolution of the English language over the last millennium. It is an unsurpassed guide to the meaning, history, and pronunciation of over half a million words, both present and past. It traces the usage of words through 2.5 million quotations from a wide range of international English language sources, from classic literature and specialist periodicals to film scripts and cookery books.
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Oct 19 09, 18:03
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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Leo, I couldn't disagree with you more. I can cite many dictionairies in which "trepid" is duly noted.
For example, Webster's Collegiate dictionary lists trepid (definition is timorous).
Rhymezone.com also lists it. If you want I can supply you with numerous authoritative sources.
Here is another source: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/trepid
In America, the English language is a bit different than you may have learned in your country and it is often divergent from that of our friends in England. We use different words with totally different meanings.
Your suggestion that I have invented a word is totally invalid and I am appalled that you would suggest such a thing. I believe an apology is in order. I do not invent words. You may not like the use of it, but it certainly is a valid word.
Thank you. JLY
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Oct 19 09, 18:06
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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Ron, Thanks for your friendly comments. Sometimes there are words out there that are not in our everyday lexicon, but they do exist. The last line was one that I wanted to use to create an image that would be familiar to many of us when we are facing challenges, worries, and fears. JLY
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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