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> Not Alone *** Revised, Villanelle
Michelle
post Aug 6 10, 10:28
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Not Alone - Revised

My time is not my own
when siblings seek a hand.
I’ll never be alone.

Our children always moan
for needs and wants expand;
my time is not my own.

My husband takes his throne,
his wish is my command:
I’ll never be alone.

I use a soothing tone;
as Mother’s wits disband.
My time is not my own

when friends decide to phone.
A party urged and planned:
I’ll never be alone.


God’s plan, once dim, now shown;
He gives where life demands.
My time is not my own--
I’ll never be alone.




Not Alone

My time is not my own
when siblings seek a hand;
I’ll never be alone.

The children always moan.
Their needs and wants expand.
My time is not my own.

My husband wears cologne;
we dance beside the band.
I’ll never be alone.

I use a soothing tone
as Mother’s wits disband.
My time is not my own.

When friends decide to phone
our barbeque is planned;
I’ll never be alone.

His voice, once dim, has grown;
God speaks as life demands.
My time is not my own--
I’ll never be alone.


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Alan
post Aug 6 10, 17:27
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Dear Michelle,

I se you are as contemporary as I am ! Good fun V, although a 'complaint', nicely lighthearted.

Only nit :

as Mother’s wits disband.
My time is not my own.

As friends decide to phone

the 'as' twice so soon, easily fixed :

as Mother’s wits disband.
My time is not my own.

WHEN friends decide to phone

Love
Alan


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Michelle
post Aug 6 10, 18:15
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Hi Alan,


thank you so much! I will change it immediately. I agree wholeheartedly.

I think the only time I've used hexameter is the alternating lines of a ballad.

This one was really fun. Our muses must be delving in the same end of the pool.



Thank you again,

Michelle


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Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Aug 13 10, 11:11
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Hi, Michelle,

the villanelle is a particularly limiting form and here you go limiting yourself further by trimming to trimeters. I would suggest that you at least think about giving yourself back those other two feet, it would allow more freedom to develop images. Still, let's take a look.

QUOTE
My time is not my own
when siblings seek a hand;
I’ll never be alone.

The children always moan.
Their needs and wants expand.
My time is not my own.

My husband wears cologne;
we dance beside the band.
I’ll never be alone.


I want to point out all the end stopped lines here - these break the flow for the reader and highlight the strictures of the form imo. You have used enjambement effectively in S1 and I would suggest extensive use of that tool in this form. In s2, for example, substituting 'that' for 'their' would link ll.1/2 and make for a smoother read. S3 has two disjointed images, which may be to highlight the constant calls but that would be better linked to the 'my time is not my own' refrain I think. I do think you could strengthen it further by a little rewording eg, 'my husband wants cologne/ or needs his cumberband/my time is not my own' (if you swap the first 2 lines in each pf these stanzas). Another thought re the children..nearly grown/yet needs and wants expand/

QUOTE
I use a soothing tone
as Mother’s wits disband.
My time is not my own.

When friends decide to phone
our barbeque is planned;
I’ll never be alone.


I like S4, just the right amount of 'resentment' (probably too strong a word) but s5 needs a little work perhaps 'and friends decide to phone/ when barbeque's been planned -/

QUOTE
His voice, once dim, has grown;
God speaks as life demands.
My time is not my own--
I’ll never be alone.


I like the idea of this stanza - as above so below so to speak - but wonder about 'voice' as the medium, if you'll pardon the pun. Perhaps consider something like 'His plan, once dim, now shown/God gives as life demands/' to strengthen the parental comparison? That God's time is not His own?

Just my thoughts and opinions of course, use or lose as you choose,
Jim
 
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AMETHYST
post Aug 16 10, 04:23
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Hello Michelle,

Villanelles are so hard to make dance. For the same reasons as Jim mentioned. They restrict so much of the poets techique, that making use of emjambments and word partnering, seems to bring them to life. I myself have tried a few and haven't done anything with them that makes me proud. While your Villanelle doesn't reach heavenly heights, it certainly soars well above any attempts I have done.

With that said, I applaud the wonderful topic. It is fresh, and easily can be understood by many! (including me, LOL) ...

I did like some of Jim's thoughts, especially with the increase in line length. It would give you some more space to do more with imagery, flow and motion - I did have some questions or thoughts of my own as well... Please feel free to use or lose what works for you!

Best Wishes, Liz



QUOTE
Not Alone


Nice title. Fitting.

QUOTE
My time is not my own
when siblings seek a hand;
I’ll never be alone.


The open stanza makes good use of enjambment. I was a little confused by the use of siblings. After a couple of readings, it is appearant that you are referring to a mother's children (the brothers/sisters) however it automatically, to my ear, came across as the narrators sibling is demanding... For me, it doesn't come across too clear that the narrator is a mother, and she is referring to her children, not her siblings. At first, I thought the siblings of the narrator work, if we begin in her earliest time, when she was the responsible sibling, and her brothers/sisters never left her alone... then as she grows, it is the job, the husband, and her own children... Time 'has' never been her own... It was just a thought.


QUOTE
The children always moan.
Their needs and wants expand.
My time is not my own.


Perhaps instead of "The children..." maybe "our' children to show that someone else could/should share on these responsibilities, and yet, her time isn't her own. I also, felt the end stopped lines too empty. Perhaps

Our children always moan,
as needs and wants expand.
My time is not my own.

Or even, you could connect S1 and S2 -
Such as -

My time is not my own
when siblings seek a hand;
I’ll never be alone

cause children always moan,
as needs and wants expand.
My time is not my own.



QUOTE
My husband wears cologne;
we dance beside the band.
I’ll never be alone.

I use a soothing tone
as Mother’s wits disband.
My time is not my own.

When friends decide to phone
our barbeque is planned;
I’ll never be alone.



QUOTE
His voice, once dim, has grown;
God speaks as life demands.
My time is not my own--
I’ll never be alone.


I like jims thoughts on "God's voice, once dim, has shown;
he gives as life demands.


Best to you, Liz



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JLY
post Aug 18 10, 06:18
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Michelle,
Jim, Liz and Alan have given you much to dwell upon. I will defer to them about the poetic formulations.

I am more concerned about your message. I read this as someone with two concerns and for Mothers everywhere this really hits home. You lament the lack of time you have because of the demands of raising children, but then you rejoice the fact that you will never be alone because of the love and devotion of husband and friends.

It seems that you are speaking for Mother's everywhere in that the grand plan is to care for your children and you will in turn be loved forever more.

I enjoyed reading your perspective as you have set forth.

JLY


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Eisa
post Aug 21 10, 09:54
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Hi Michelle

It is so good to see you back at MM (I haven't said this sooner as I've been in Seren's posting FV)

I've never tried a villanelle - I love the message in this one and it is generally well written. Unfortunately, I have arrived when most of what I would have said has already been said by Jim & Liz.

So, I'll just say congratulations on a great read ... and I look forward to any revisions you might make.

Snow Snowflake.gif


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Michelle
post Aug 23 10, 15:20
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Hi Jim,

thanks so much for your time to go through this poem. As I am learning, your advice is sound. I've taken your notes in my revision, although I'm keeping the trimeter. Because I am just wading again into poetic waters, I want to keep this as simple as possible. I've attempted to keep a cohesive sense of meaning until the twisting final quatrain. Hopefully the poem has become nearer an acceptable example of the form.

Thank you, again, for your time, keen eye and expertise.

my best,

Michelle


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Michelle
post Aug 23 10, 15:33
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Hi Liz,

it is great to see you again. Thank you for going through the poem. You poetic sensibilities are excellent.

In the first stanza, my intention is that the siblings are my own brothers and sisters. It didn't occur to me that another meaning could be inferred. (smiling) I am the eldest of my siblings and thus brothers and sisters have always entailed responsibility for me. At face value, I believe that meaning is there. (hopefully - lol)

As I said to Jim, this could be better fleshed out with longer lines, but I don't trust my ability as yet. I'm taking my revival in poetry slow.

Thanks so much for replying to this poem. It took me a while to get some spare time to get back here. Sorry for the long pause to respond to your thoughts. I appreciate them immensely.

my best,

Michelle


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Michelle
post Aug 23 10, 15:50
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Hi JLY,

it's great to read your thoughts on my poem. Thank you. I've revised, trying to keep the same tense of lament until the final quatrain. Hopefully it has become a better poem. Your interpretation is wonderful - what I was hoping for. I also wanted to imply a thread that our time in essence belongs to God.

Thank you so much JLY for posting your thoughts.

my best,

Michelle


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Michelle
post Aug 23 10, 16:02
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Hi Snow,

wow, it's great to see you. As I remember, the message of your poetry edifies. Life has been dynamic the last couple of years and I have not written. I'm sort of easing my way back into it though. I'll have to get to the FV forum to read some of your poems.

Thanks for the encouragement. I've revised and hopefully this is better for it.

my best,

Michelle


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AMETHYST
post Aug 29 10, 02:00
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Hey Michelle.

Just to confirm, in your 1st stanza ... the message for the siblings comes through clear, and also has that slight twist of a dual meaning which works on a multitude of levels... I really like the revision, and will look it over more carefully and return with comments - however, with the quick glimpse right now. I do like this, especially the message as I think many can relate to the intwining of responsibility always pulling at us.

Best Wishes, Liz


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Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 8 10, 10:29
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Hi Michelle,

I really enjoyed this! YOu've employed solid rhythms throughout while maintaining your trimeter. I think your revision sharpens your message too, and I'm particular fond of this passage:

QUOTE
God’s plan, once dim, now shown;
He gives where life demands.
My time is not my own--
I’ll never be alone.


No nits!
Enjoyed,
~Cleo galadriel.gif


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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Oct 10 10, 03:34
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Michelle, Hi, I am not one for writing in forms, FV is my forte. I did like this a lot. However I was looking at the flip side so to speak.

I am always alone,
there is no one ever home.
I get no replies
to my sorrowful cries,
My time is always my own.

Sounds like a pretty pathetic old curmudgeon eh?

Take care
Steve
 
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