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Downsize Show, Crown Jewels Award Winner ~ free verse |
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Guest_Jox_*
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Aug 4 05, 16:43
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Guest
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Hi Don,
Sounds like a heart-felt response to the Economic demographic "time bomb" affecting all ageing, western populations.
Well done. It is especially difficult to express Economics in poetry but a brave attempt!
PS If you're interested in any tightening (of the poem!) let me know and I'll offer a few suggestions.
Thanks for the read,
James.
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Guest_Don_*
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Aug 4 05, 16:48
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Hey Jox,
Sure, go ahead and tighten.
Do it.
Don
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Guest_Jox_*
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Aug 4 05, 17:57
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Guest
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Hi Don, some tightening suggestions as requested.
Please remember, if meter be present I’m bound to ruin it!
Suggestions: {-}[+] (comments) - As always, As YOU Like It.
(I had some trouble deciding which tense and understanding parts - but hopefully, something will help. Cheers, J).
Original V2:
Thespians clearly projected the script of firm illusion for eighty-percent income to stretch twenty-five in pasture. Social Security may be less.
Suggestion V2:
Actors clearly projected scripted firm illusion - eighty-percent income stretching twenty-five in pasture. Social Security may be less.
Original V3:
While the scheme waits in wings for its cue to sing on stage, Paul grabs fifty-percent while Peter takes other half. Social Security is under stress.
Suggestion V3:
While the scheme waits in wings for its cue to sing on stage, Paul grabs fifty-percent - Peter takes other half. Social Security under stress.
Original V4:
As the curtain falls, my mood will boil when job outsourced as simple economic call. Social Security isn’t ready.
Suggestion V4:
As the curtain falls, my mood boils; job outsourced - a simple economic call. Social Security isn’t ready. Original V5:
Into December cold we’ll go downsized for the season to assure large bonus for brokers up the hill. Social Security in denial.
Suggestion V5:
Into December cold we’ll go seasonally downsized - assuring large bonus for brokers up the Hill. Social Security in denial.
Original V6:
We’ll retire without a benefit Because houselights failed at an age unemployable. This play is off Broadway since Social Security is a mess
Suggestion V6:
Retiring without benefit because houselights failed at unemployable age. Broadway play closed, since Social Security a mess.
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Guest_Don_*
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Aug 5 05, 06:42
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Hi Cathy,
There does not seem to be a solid meter in the original. Though iambic is present many lines begin with a stress rather than unstress and many endings are feminine—ending with unstressed syllable. This latter is considered weak and to be done sparingly.
Appreciate your liking the original. Please have a go with your input. The main hope is that all has a smooth rythm.
Don
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Aug 7 05, 12:04
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,861
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi Don !
This is adroitly penned, indeed. "The play's the thing..." haha..., meaning I admire the way you've combined Thespian drama with real-life, present Social Security issues. You've expressed the economical, sad part of retirement in a poem about actually going to the Theatre and seeing a play about.... retirement ! Shock
Thespis himself would have been proud of you. I believe he was pretty hard up himself, dragging his cartload of actors around from place to place... perhaps he was on a retirement plan...
At least, that's the way I've captured your poem. Excuse any misinterpretation on my part. I'm from a faraway country, too, where most people retire on 150 dollars, meaning they have to live with relatives, or join the homeless.
Your poem appears to have some sort of metre, altho' you say not. I read your explanation about weak end rhymes, to Cathy, very instructive, thank you.
Hey, what are u doing in free verse, Don?! Wonderful surprise.
Sylvia
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Guest_Don_*
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Aug 7 05, 12:32
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Hi Psyche,
Good to see your return.
Every once in a while I try free verse. When I am lazy is one of those times.
The Western industrialized nations support the unsupportable promise to the workers that they will be taken care off, at least on a minimal level. Our social security was never meant for comfortable retirement. The economic overlay is workers have many jobs and are out in the cold much earlier than the original social security assumptions. For individuals the show is closed before an important part of the act is scheduled to come on stage.
We in the U.S. also have a lot of homeless. The issue is pretty much swept under the rug and the comfort of not seeing or hearing about it often in the news helps citizens not help. At present there are more young people being supported by the elderly because the elderly had it better than youth today.
Social and economic trends and values provide a rollercoaster ride...hang on.
Do you like Jox's trimmed version better?
Don
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Guest_Nina_*
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Aug 7 05, 16:12
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Hi Don
it sounds a very depressing scenario. I hope you have a good private pension.
Nina
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Guest_Don_*
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Aug 7 05, 16:48
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Guest
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Good afternoon Nina,
We personally are more than okay. We were able to save for a rainy day and live modestly. I worked for two years at 40-hours per week and $30 per hour while collecting government pension. (Double dipping.) Now most jobs are temporary with no benefits and less than half that rate, but the expenses and taxes continue to increase. A large percentage of young people polled don't believe U.S. social security will be available to them at their retirement age. It is a government slush fund to dip into anytime to make the economy look better than it is. All the proposed fixes do not plug this critical hole in the bucket.
As Jox pointed out it is a Western industrialized nation problem. I will add, because it is a Ponszi scam. They pay retirees from current donations (tax) without solvency.
Sad is a good word.
Thanks for reading.
Don
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Aug 7 05, 18:55
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Don,
this piece is a keeper! Great to see you venture into FV and the metaphor to a play is cool! You should send this into the BIG newspapers especially on the Hill! I'd bet each you send to would publish this one!
I had found no nits until the last stanza:
We’ll retire without a benefit Because houselights failed at an age unemployable. This play is off Broadway since Social Security is a mess.
L2: lowercase b in 'because'
SS is a mess but it is also becoming intangible too. By the time I reach 65, there may likely not be any funds left for me and my generation at all. You could also use a metaphor in place of 'a mess' - like amateur or saboteur?
How sad the truth can be!
One additional thought: Perhaps you could take the last line in each stanza and separate them (as own stanzas) in italics to really emphasize them?
A good message here in this one Don!
Cheers! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Don_*
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Aug 8 05, 06:31
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Guest
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Good Morning Lori,
I am estatic you consider this a keeper. Also thank you for your suggestion to last stanza and the separation of last stanza lines. I am not certain which word should replace "mess," but a better one must exist.
Don :pharoah2
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Aug 8 05, 11:51
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,861
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi Don ! :sun:
Glad you're glad i'm back ! :)
I agree with Lori, your poem is a keeper (I presume she means to keep it?... like saving a treasure?).
Some ideas for mess:
muddle clutter disorder chaos tangle jumble maze wreckage rubble ruin wreck debris
I believe you should stay with Thespian, but the other of James's crits I leave for you to handle directly with him, the master of critters. I tremble to offer any serious crits of my own, just the odd comment here & there.
So we "free versers" are lazy?! HA HA..!! I just read this morning that free verse is very difficult to write well... but I believe in no absolutes, hey ho and a bottle of rum ! Enjoy ! :wizard:
Best, Psyche :turtle:
······· ·······
Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Guest_Don_*
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Aug 8 05, 12:14
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Guest
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Good afternoon Psyche.
Oh yes, I am glad you have returned, assuming that you took a short absence.
I sort of agree with you about Thespian, but both Thespian and Actor have deficiency of beginning with a stressed syllable. My objection, not necessarily anyone elses.
Your surmise at what Lori meant by slang "keeper" is correct.
I am sure you have heard R&M people call free verse lazy before. I agree that free verse done well is difficult. I am sure you have noticed that R&M & free verse are seldom done well.
Drink the rum with friends and send a message in its bottle. On second thought, toss the rum filled bottle into the ocean and when received I'll have gotten the message.
Thank you for the long list of alternates for the word "mess." I shall pick from your list.
Don :pharoah2
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Guest_Billydo_*
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Aug 9 05, 14:02
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Guest
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Hi Don
Enjoyable social conscience poem paralled with stage action:
All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances;
I hope they get it right before my exit.
Cheers
Mike
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Guest_Don_*
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Aug 9 05, 14:23
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Guest
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Hi Billydo,
Yes, I agree you don't want them to get it right after your exit.
Don
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Guest_Don_*
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Aug 11 05, 10:09
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Guest
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Revision has been posted with original for any additional comments anyone may care to share.
I sincerely thank everyone who took time to read, and especially those who took more time to input suggestions.
Don :pharoah2
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Aug 11 05, 12:21
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,861
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi Don ! :sun:
Wonderful revision (I like both versions, all the same). It really looks good.
Great word "sham" !!
How lucky we are that you've decided to post work in FV ! Keep 'em comin'...
Best, Sylvia :butterfly:
······· ·······
Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Guest_Don_*
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Aug 11 05, 12:43
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Guest
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Aug 11 05, 18:58
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Excellent revision Don! (Like the new title too)!
Oh - BTW, :D
Congrats on your Crown Jewel award winning tile (nominated by Psyche)!
Well done!
~Cleo :)
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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