Downsize Show, Crown Jewels Award Winner ~ free verse Options

[Guest_Don_*]

Crown Jewels Award

Celtic Castle Designs

Revised 11 August, 2005-------------
    Downsize  Show
 (free verse version 01)

We bought tickets to a play
featuring a retirement plan
of what to save for comfort
‘til a guesstimated final end.

Social Security is a mess.

Thespians clearly project
a script of firm delusion
like eighty-percent income
will last in pasture twenty-five.

Social Security is less.

While the scheme waits in wings
for its cue to sing on stage,
Paul grabs fifty-percent,
and Peter takes last half.

Social Security is a mess.

As the curtain fell
our mood boiled
when job outsourced
as simple economic call.

Social Security is a stew.

Into December cold we go
downsized for the season
to assure large bonus
for new exec down the hall.

Social Security in denial.

We retired without benefits
because footlights failed
at an age unemployable.

This play is off Broadway
since Social Security is a sham.


© 2005, D.E. Holmes
28 February

-------------original-----------------

Privatize  Show
         
We bought tickets to a play
featuring a retirement plan
of what to invest for comfort
‘til a guesstimated final end.
Social Security is privatized.

Thespians clearly projected
the script of  firm illusion
for eighty-percent income
to stretch twenty-five in pasture.
Social Security may be less.

While the scheme waits in wings
for its cue to sing on stage,
Paul grabs fifty-percent
while Peter takes other half.
Social Security is under stress.

As the curtain falls,
my mood will boil
when job outsourced
as simple economic call.
Social Security isn’t ready.

Into December cold we’ll go
downsized for the season
to assure large bonus
for brokers up the hill.
Social Security in denial.

We’ll retire without a benefit
Because houselights failed
at an age unemployable.
This play is off Broadway
since Social Security is a mess.


© 2005, D.E. Holmes
28 February

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Don,

Sounds like a heart-felt response to the Economic demographic "time bomb" affecting all ageing, western populations.

Well done. It is especially difficult to express Economics in poetry but a brave attempt!

PS If you're interested in any tightening (of the poem!) let me know and I'll offer a few suggestions.

Thanks for the read,

James.

[Guest_Don_*]

Hey Jox,

Sure, go ahead and tighten.

Do it.

Don

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Don, some tightening suggestions as requested.

Please remember, if meter be present I’m bound to ruin it!

Suggestions: {-}[+] (comments) - As always, As YOU Like It.

(I had some trouble deciding which tense and understanding parts - but hopefully, something will help. Cheers, J).

Original V2:

Thespians clearly projected
the script of firm illusion
for eighty-percent income
to stretch twenty-five in pasture.
Social Security may be less.

Suggestion V2:

Actors clearly projected
scripted firm illusion -
eighty-percent income
stretching twenty-five in pasture.
Social Security may be less.

Original V3:

While the scheme waits in wings
for its cue to sing on stage,
Paul grabs fifty-percent
while Peter takes other half.
Social Security is under stress.

Suggestion V3:

While the scheme waits in wings
for its cue to sing on stage,
Paul grabs fifty-percent -
Peter takes other half.
Social Security under stress.

Original V4:

As the curtain falls,
my mood will boil
when job outsourced
as simple economic call.
Social Security isn’t ready.

Suggestion V4:

As the curtain falls,
my mood boils;
job outsourced -
a simple economic call.
Social Security isn’t ready.
Original V5:

Into December cold we’ll go
downsized for the season
to assure large bonus
for brokers up the hill.
Social Security in denial.

Suggestion V5:

Into December cold we’ll go
seasonally downsized -
assuring large bonus
for brokers up the Hill.
Social Security in denial.

Original V6:

We’ll retire without a benefit
Because houselights failed
at an age unemployable.
This play is off Broadway
since Social Security is a mess

Suggestion V6:

Retiring without benefit
because houselights failed
at unemployable age.
Broadway play closed,
since Social Security a mess.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Don,

Sad, sad situation!  And expressed quite well I might add!

James has offered some great suggestions so I'm going to
wait to find out if you have a specific meter.

I like the poem as is anyway!

Cathy

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cathy,

There does not seem to be a solid meter in the original.  Though  iambic is present many lines begin with a stress rather than unstress and many endings are feminine—ending with unstressed syllable.  This latter is considered weak and to be done sparingly.

Appreciate your liking the original.  Please have a go with your input. The main hope is that all has a smooth rythm.

Don

[Psyche]

Hi Don !    

This is adroitly penned, indeed. "The play's the thing..." haha..., meaning I admire the way you've combined Thespian drama with real-life, present Social Security issues. You've expressed the economical, sad part of retirement in a poem about actually going to the Theatre and seeing a play about.... retirement !  Shock  

Thespis himself would have been proud of you. I believe he was pretty hard up himself, dragging his cartload of actors around from place to place... perhaps he was on a retirement plan...

At least, that's the way I've captured your poem. Excuse any misinterpretation on my part. I'm from a faraway country, too, where most people retire on 150 dollars, meaning they have to live with relatives, or join the homeless.

Your poem appears to have some sort of metre, altho' you say not. I read your explanation about weak end rhymes, to Cathy, very instructive, thank you.

Hey, what are u doing in free verse, Don?! Wonderful surprise.

Sylvia  

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Psyche,

Good to see your return.

Every once in a while I try free verse.  When I am lazy is one of those times.

The Western industrialized nations support the unsupportable promise to the workers that they will be taken care off, at least on a minimal level.  Our social security was never meant for comfortable retirement.  The economic overlay is workers have many jobs and are out in the cold much earlier than the original social security assumptions.  For individuals the show is closed before an important part of the act is scheduled to come on stage.

We in the U.S. also have a lot of homeless.  The issue is pretty much swept under the rug and the comfort of not seeing or hearing about it often in the news helps citizens not help.  At present there are more young people being supported by the elderly because the elderly had it better than youth today.

Social and economic trends and values provide a rollercoaster ride...hang on.

Do you like Jox's trimmed version better?

Don

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Don

it sounds a very depressing scenario.  I hope you have a good private pension.

Nina

[Guest_Don_*]

Good afternoon Nina,

We personally are more than okay.  We were able to save for a rainy day and live modestly.  I worked for two years at 40-hours per week and $30 per hour while collecting government pension. (Double dipping.)  Now most jobs are temporary with no benefits and less than half that rate, but the expenses and taxes continue to increase.  A large percentage of young people polled don't believe U.S. social security will be available to them at their retirement age.  It is a government slush fund to dip into anytime to make the economy look better than it is.  All the proposed fixes do not plug this critical hole in the bucket.

As Jox pointed out it is a Western industrialized nation problem.  I will add, because it is a Ponszi scam.  They pay retirees from current donations (tax) without solvency.  

Sad is a good word.  

Thanks for reading.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Don,

this piece is a keeper! Great to see you venture into FV and the metaphor to a play is cool! You should send this into the BIG newspapers especially on the Hill! I'd bet each you send to would publish this one!

I had found no nits until the last stanza:

We’ll retire without a benefit
Because houselights failed
at an age unemployable.
This play is off Broadway
since Social Security is a mess.

L2: lowercase b in 'because'

SS is a mess but it is also becoming intangible too. By the time I reach 65, there may likely not be any funds left for me and my generation at all. You could also use a metaphor in place of 'a mess' - like amateur or saboteur?

How sad the truth can be!

One additional thought: Perhaps you could take the last line in each stanza and separate them (as own stanzas) in italics to really emphasize them?

A good message here in this one Don!

Cheers!
~Cleo  

[Guest_Don_*]

Good Morning Lori,

I am estatic you consider this a keeper.  Also thank you for your suggestion to last stanza and the separation of last stanza lines.  I am not certain which word should replace "mess," but a better one must exist.

Don   :pharoah2

[Psyche]

Hi Don !  :sun:

Glad you're glad i'm back !  :)

I agree with Lori, your poem is a keeper (I presume she means to keep it?... like saving a treasure?).

Some ideas for mess:

muddle clutter disorder chaos tangle jumble maze
wreckage rubble ruin wreck debris

I believe you should stay with Thespian, but the other of James's crits I leave for you to handle directly with him, the master of critters.  I tremble to offer any serious crits of my own, just the odd comment here & there.

So we "free versers" are lazy?! HA HA..!! I just read this morning that free verse is very difficult to write well... but I believe in no absolutes, hey ho and a bottle of rum ! Enjoy !    :wizard:

Best,
Psyche  :turtle:

[Guest_Don_*]

Good afternoon Psyche.

Oh yes, I am glad you have  returned, assuming that you took a short absence.

I sort of agree with you about Thespian, but both Thespian and Actor have deficiency of beginning with a stressed syllable.  My objection, not necessarily anyone elses.

Your surmise at what Lori meant by slang "keeper" is correct.

I am sure you have heard R&M people call free verse lazy before.  I agree that free verse done well is difficult.  I am sure you have noticed that R&M & free verse are seldom done well.

Drink the rum with friends and send a message in its bottle.  On second thought, toss the rum filled bottle into the ocean and when received I'll have gotten the message.

Thank you for the long list of alternates for the word "mess."  I shall pick from your list.

Don  :pharoah2

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Don

Enjoyable social conscience poem paralled with stage action:

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;

I hope they get it right before my exit.

Cheers

Mike

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Billydo,

Yes, I agree you don't want them to get it right after your exit.

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Revision has been posted with original for any additional comments anyone may care to share.

I sincerely thank everyone who took time to read, and especially those who took more time to input suggestions.

Don  :pharoah2

[Psyche]

Hi Don !  :sun:

Wonderful revision (I like both versions, all the same). It really looks good.

Great word "sham" !!

How lucky we are that you've decided to post work in FV ! Keep 'em comin'...

Best,
Sylvia  :butterfly:

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Don !  

Wonderful revision (I like both versions, all the same). It really looks good.

Great word "sham" !!

How lucky we are that you've decided to post work in FV ! Keep 'em comin'...

Best,
Sylvia  

Thanks for taking another look.  This FV is strong on message.

Everyone who has been exposed to it seems pleased.  Of course, many are worried about how it foretells their future.  The future is too far away to worry about.  Chances are the future is not worried about us.

Don   :pharoah2

[Cleo_Serapis]

Excellent revision Don! (Like the new title too)!

Oh - BTW, :D

Congrats on your Crown Jewel award winning tile (nominated by Psyche)!

Well done!

~Cleo :)