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Youthful Reflections [ revised 07 Jan ], second revision |
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Jun 15 06, 19:45
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Mosaic Master
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Second Revision Youthful Reflections
We mold life and body, sculpting impressions in red-celled seas; demanding rescue.
Scalpels pierce a fountain of youthful reflections revealing a diminished original.
Whites and reds pump up, expand; contract in a sweat-filled Utopia.
Protein-highs target nourishing riches; the fine print: cleverly disguised in false promises worth millions.
As a spider weaves survival’s web I wonder… will the quest for youth be quenched or sucked dry?
Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 7 Jan 2007 First Revision: Thanks Nina, James, Liz, Fran. Youthful ReflectionsWe mold life and body, sculpting impressions in red-celled seas; demanding rescue. Scalpels pierce a fountain of youthful reflections: revealing a diminished original. Whites and reds pump up, expand; contract in a sweat-filled Utopia. Protein-highs target nourishing riches; the fine print: cleverly disguised in false promises worth millions. As a spider weaves survival’s web, I wonder… will the quest for youth be quenched or sucked dry? Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 4 July 2006[/color] ORIGINAL: We mold life and body sculpting impressions in red seas demanding rescue. Scalpels pierce a fountain of youthful reflections revealing a diminished original. Whites and reds pump up, expand and contract in a sweat-filled Utopia. Protein highs target nourishing riches; the fine print: cleverly disguised in false promises worth millions. As a spider weaves a web of survival, I wonder… will the quest for youth be quenched or sucked dry? Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 15 June 2006
This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jan 28 07, 11:58
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Nina_*
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Jun 16 06, 00:09
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Guest
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Hi Lori
Good to see this posted in Serens
A few thoughts, take or leave as you wish
[add] {delete} comment
We mold life and body[,] sculpting impressions in red seas {demanding rescue}. ..I'm not quite sure what is supposed to be "demanding rescue"
Scalpels pierce a fountain of youthful reflections revealing {a} diminished original. ..v. good verse
Whites and reds pump up, expand[,] {and} contract in a sweat-filled Utopia. ..work those muscles at the gym
Protein highs target nourishing riches; the fine print: cleverly disguised in false promises worth millions. ...the last three lines are excellent and so true
As a spider weaves {a}[survival's] web {of survival}, I wonder… will the quest for youth be quenched or sucked dry? ..good question
Nina
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Guest_Jox_*
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Jun 16 06, 11:08
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Guest
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Hi Lori,
All the usual...
==================
[color=#FF0000][b]Youthful Reflections
(I wouldn't underline titles - looks rather typewriter-age - but nowt wrong per se) (Appropriate font colour)
We mold life and body[:] (Is "mold" ok in US English? - I‘d spell it “mould“) sculpting impressions in red seas[;](line-split) demanding rescue.
Scalpels pierce a fountain (I think this would work well in plural) of youthful reflections[:] revealing a diminished original.
Whites and reds pump {up}{,}[:] (Are we talking corpuscles here?) expand and contract in {a} sweat-filled Utopia.
Protein[-]highs target nourishing riches{;}[:] {the} fine print{:} cleverly disguised in false promises[;] worth millions.
As a spider weaves {a web of survival} [survival's web] (Line-split) , I wonder… will the quest for youth be quenched or sucked dry?
Thus: (May include suggestions not made above):
Youthful Reflections
We mold life and body: sculpting impressions in red seas; demanding rescue.
Scalpels pierce fountains of youthful reflections: revealing a diminished original.
Whites and reds pump: expand and contract in sweat-filled Utopia.
Protein-highs target nourishing riches: fine print cleverly disguised in false promises; worth millions.
As a spider weaves survival’s web, I wonder: will the quest for youth be quenched… or sucked dry?
Thanks for the read - I hope something might be of use. Cheers, J.
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Jun 25 06, 18:59
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Nina. QUOTE (Nina @ Jun 16 06, 01:09 ) [snapback]77088[/snapback] We mold life and body[,] sculpting impressions in red seas {demanding rescue}. ..I'm not quite sure what is supposed to be "demanding rescue"
I mean to say that the body itself and its makeup = blood cells are 'demanding rescue' (wishing to be freed from the torture it faces daily). Does that help? Scalpels pierce a fountain of youthful reflections revealing {a} diminished original. ..v. good verse
Thank you - I am proud of the meaning behind this one.Whites and reds pump up, expand[,] {and} contract in a sweat-filled Utopia. ..work those muscles at the gym You got it! Protein highs target nourishing riches; the fine print: cleverly disguised in false promises worth millions. ...the last three lines are excellent and so true
Yes, this is the sad part, the profits being made at the victim's expense, all the while they have no clue how large an industry feeds on them.As a spider weaves {a}[survival's] web {of survival}, I wonder… will the quest for youth be quenched or sucked dry? ..good question Thanks Nina - I'll be making that revision for sure in the last stanza! I liek the idea of leaving this one open to sugestion (which will happen) - I suspect the latter sadly.
Thanks for your most excellent comments and soory for my delay in responding.
~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jun 25 06, 19:08
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Mosaic Master
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Hi James! QUOTE (Jox @ Jun 16 06, 12:08 ) [snapback]77104[/snapback] (I wouldn't underline titles - looks rather typewriter-age - but nowt wrong per se) (Appropriate font colour) I always underline my titles, habit - thanks for the font color observation, figured to go for it this time and use the red as symbolic of the meaning. We mold life and body[:] (Is "mold" ok in US English? - I‘d spell it “mould“) sculpting impressions in red seas[;](line-split) demanding rescue. Yes, it is another of our over the pond spelling differences, though same meaning. Of course to me "mould" means icky fungus that grows rampant. Like your line split idea!Scalpels pierce a fountain (I think this would work well in plural) of youthful reflections[:] revealing a diminished original. Right, I could make this plural too - fountains + originalsWhites and reds pump {up}{,}[:] (Are we talking corpuscles here?) expand and contract in {a} sweat-filled Utopia. Yes, without actually naming them, "blood cells". Not sure about deleting that "a" though?Protein[-]highs target nourishing riches{;}[:] {the} fine print{:} cleverly disguised in false promises[;] worth millions. As a spider weaves {a web of survival} [survival's web] (Line-split) , I wonder… will the quest for youth be quenched or sucked dry? Thanks for the read - I hope something might be of use. Cheers, J. Thanks very much James. Of course your ideas are useful to me! I'll be making a revision with both your and Nina's ideas very soon! Sorry for my tardiness in responding!
Cheers! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jun 25 06, 22:01
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Hi Lori, I found some thought provoking phrases that make up several strong and powerful images. The title works for me. I especially like the underlying meaning of 'reflections' spent in the title. Some minor thoughts and suggestions to follow, please use what you thinks works anddiscard the rest. Hugs, Liz QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jun 16 06, 00:45 ) [snapback]77082[/snapback] Youthful Reflections
We mold life and body sculpting impressions in red seas demanding rescue.
[b]Comma after L1. L4, I too had a problem connecting the 'red sea" IAfter reading the intent, I like the meaning and the image. I also agree that a line break and/or a comma or ; after seas helps to strengthen that image. Perhaps you might want to consider adding a link to the blood line of our body... Using such words as 'red celled sea's" (weak suggestion) but I hope it offers my intent.
Scalpels pierce a fountain of youthful reflections revealing a diminished original.
Perhaps another word, other than diminshed: other alternatives could be fading, or even dimishing... as it isn't yet completely diminished, but on its way.
Whites and reds pump up, expand and contract in a sweat-filled Utopia.
Suggest in L2expand; contract Bring 'in a down to L3.
Protein highs target nourishing riches; the fine print: cleverly disguised in false promises worth millions.
Nicely done. I liked the references to 'nourishing riches/fine print (brings an image of our genetic makeup...
As a spider weaves a web of survival, I wonder… will the quest for youth be quenched or sucked dry?
Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 15 June 2006[/b]
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Guest_Toumai_*
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Jun 30 06, 10:56
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Guest
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Hi Lori I like this consideration of the youth industry ... We mold life and body --- comma, line end? sculpting impressions --- lovely in red seas demanding rescue. --- I didn't "get" this ref as to blood (sorry) till I read the other crits and your replies ... would "red rivers" be more of an image of arteries? Scalpels pierce a fountain --- of youthful reflections revealing a diminished original. Whites and reds pump up, --- love the word play on pump up expand and contract in a sweat-filled Utopia. --- as they used to say "no pain no gain?" Protein highs target nourishing riches; the fine print: cleverly --- lovely; as Liz says could also be genetics - or the wrinkles themselves disguised in false promises worth millions. As a spider weaves a web of survival, I wonder… will the quest for youth be quenched or sucked dry? Fran
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Jun 30 06, 11:51
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Liz and Fran. Thank you so much for your comments on this piece! I will be back to reply individually early next week and post a revision then too. Take care for now. ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 4 06, 13:03
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Mosaic Master
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QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Jun 25 06, 23:01 ) [snapback]77511[/snapback] Hi Lori,
I found some thought provoking phrases that make up several strong and powerful images. The title works for me. I especially like the underlying meaning of 'reflections' spent in the title. Some minor thoughts and suggestions to follow, please use what you thinks works anddiscard the rest.
Hugs, Liz Hi Liz. Thanks for your critique! Yes, when these characters (not me) looks in the mirror, they never like what they see, so they take pills, get plastic surgery, gym work-outs, and still - they never like what they see after spending thousands to improve their 'outward appearance'. So reflections has a dual meaning here. I actually like 'red-celled seas' so have put it in. I know what you mean about diminished, but for me, it is a one-time look in that mirror and what they see staring back has been diminished. Glad you caught the dual meaning also in the fine print.... Thanks for your ideas Liz! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 4 06, 13:06
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Fran. QUOTE (Toumai @ Jun 30 06, 11:56 ) [snapback]77753[/snapback] Hi Lori
I like this consideration of the youth industry ... Thanks!QUOTE We mold life and body --- comma, line end? sculpting impressions --- lovely in red seas demanding rescue. --- I didn't "get" this ref as to blood (sorry) till I read the other crits and your replies ... would "red rivers" be more of an image of arteries? I have revised it now to red-celled seas to illustrate the blood vessels.QUOTE Whites and reds pump up, --- love the word play on pump up expand and contract in a sweat-filled Utopia. --- as they used to say "no pain no gain?" Thanks Fran!QUOTE Protein highs target nourishing riches; the fine print: cleverly --- lovely; as Liz says could also be genetics - or the wrinkles themselves disguised in false promises worth millions. Yes - genetics is one way to see it.
Glad you stopped by Fran! Thanks bunches. ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 4 06, 13:14
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Hello Lori~
Facinating reflection on our society. Astute observation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enjoyed every word! Sometimes quite cryptic. But, excellent.
You have lots of crits so I will just say: I think it is very good!
Thank you for sharing.
PP
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Guest_Don_*
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Jul 4 06, 15:10
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Guest
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Hi Lori,
Usually I concentrate on mechanics rather than theme, which I believe too many readers take for cash. My recent diminishment sucked away creative juices. Very few poems describe this period because my imagination faltered with my physical well being. For that reason I commend your ability to write about your recent experiences.
The question about quest for youth being quenched or sucked dry is well considered and written. Too much profit to quench or suck dry is the retorical answer. The golden egg is sucked dry, but not to the point of dust. Our culture worships youth and an industry depends upon and promotes our appearance and health. On the otherhand our longevity pomotes another large industry depending upon and promoting immortality.
I am prey to the latter industry. I know I don't look youthful, nor can I demonstrate youthful prowess. Nevertheless, I rationalize value as being wiser and smarter with age. Why shouldn't we live as long as possible? Everything changes with loss and gain every day. We compensate our loss of youth with chemicals foreign to our body. We pay huge sums when young and old to our image. We have become sinfully narcissistic. We prey upon our own flesh because we refuse to accept that we are not immortal gods.
I ramble, but your poem is to blame.
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Jul 11 06, 20:04
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Mosaic Master
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QUOTE (Peterpan @ Jul 4 06, 14:14 ) [snapback]77950[/snapback] Hello Lori~
Facinating reflection on our society. Astute observation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enjoyed every word! Sometimes quite cryptic. But, excellent.
You have lots of crits so I will just say: I think it is very good!
Thank you for sharing.
PP Hi Bev. Thank you. Sometimes, I tend to write about these observations - the controversial aspects stir my muse. I just wish that the ones who do not accept themselves come around - it is very sad in a way. I think 'cryptic' defines a lot of my writing - the problem is finding/knowing when to include the 'right' (amount of) hints along the way so readers get my message. Thanks again Bev - always a pleasure to see you in my threads! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 11 06, 20:13
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Mosaic Master
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QUOTE (Don @ Jul 4 06, 16:10 ) [snapback]77958[/snapback] Hi Lori,
Usually I concentrate on mechanics rather than theme, which I believe too many readers take for cash. My recent diminishment sucked away creative juices. Very few poems describe this period because my imagination faltered with my physical well being. For that reason I commend your ability to write about your recent experiences.
The question about quest for youth being quenched or sucked dry is well considered and written. Too much profit to quench or suck dry is the retorical answer. The golden egg is sucked dry, but not to the point of dust. Our culture worships youth and an industry depends upon and promotes our appearance and health. On the otherhand our longevity pomotes another large industry depending upon and promoting immortality.
I am prey to the latter industry. I know I don't look youthful, nor can I demonstrate youthful prowess. Nevertheless, I rationalize value as being wiser and smarter with age. Why shouldn't we live as long as possible? Everything changes with loss and gain every day. We compensate our loss of youth with chemicals foreign to our body. We pay huge sums when young and old to our image. We have become sinfully narcissistic. We prey upon our own flesh because we refuse to accept that we are not immortal gods.
I ramble, but your poem is to blame.
Hello Don.
I can now say "I understand" about motivation to write being sucked dry. I do hope your creative muse comes back real soon as I miss him!
I have been so tired Don (as you can relate) since the surgery in April but am now finally feeling more like myself (see, I am still awake to type this reply even). LOL! Every week, I have more strength and with it, my imagination is being to sharpen and come to life (thank god). I will write about the feelings I experienced - but not just yet.
If the golden egg were all but dust on a page, there would be no need for quenching the fountain, true? Your words reiterate my message in this cryptic poem, but you have assessed it most accurately. We are our own 'eggs' - our quest for immortality feeds the industries that provide these 'material trinkets'. It's a collaborative state.
I enjoyed your reply very much Don - this could be quite a discussion! May we live forever!
~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jan 7 07, 18:45
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Mosaic Master
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Second revision now posted. Line changes in closing and a few punctation changes throughout. Thankies! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jan 7 07, 19:16
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Lori I'll come back to read this more carefully tomorrow, as my son is talking in one ear at the moment LOL!! (he should be revising) ... but I had to say on first read how much I like this very thought provoking poem. Snow
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Jan 7 07, 19:20
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Group: Gold Member
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Real Name: Elizabeth
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Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hi Lori, I was just reading your latest revision and I like how you've trimmed it a bit. My personal opinion is this is at it's high and is ready to be nominated for IBPC! Hugs, Liz
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Jan 7 07, 19:35
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Mosaic Master
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QUOTE (Eisa @ Jan 7 07, 19:16 ) [snapback]89638[/snapback] Hi Lori I'll come back to read this more carefully tomorrow, as my son is talking in one ear at the moment LOL!! (he should be revising) ... but I had to say on first read how much I like this very thought provoking poem. Snow Hi Snow. I look forward to your return. Remind me to tell you the 'inspiration' for this one, LOL! Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jan 7 07, 19:37
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Jan 7 07, 19:20 ) [snapback]89639[/snapback] Hi Lori, I was just reading your latest revision and I like how you've trimmed it a bit. My personal opinion is this is at it's high and is ready to be nominated for IBPC! Hugs, Liz Hi Liz. I thought it needed a few minor changes in punctuation and the closing stanza is where I wanted to change the end lines for a silent pause.. Whoa! IBPC - I'm not certain of that but thank you for the vote of confidence and compliment. TTYS ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jan 10 07, 19:05
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jan 8 07, 00:35 ) [snapback]89641[/snapback] QUOTE (Eisa @ Jan 7 07, 19:16 ) [snapback]89638[/snapback] Hi Lori I'll come back to read this more carefully tomorrow, as my son is talking in one ear at the moment LOL!! (he should be revising) ... but I had to say on first read how much I like this very thought provoking poem. Snow Hi Snow. I look forward to your return. Remind me to tell you the 'inspiration' for this one, LOL! Cheers ~Cleo Hi Lori I've come back at last -- to take another look at this. No nits from me, just admiration. Oh yes ... and please tell the inspiration behind this. Snow
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