WALK, SOCRATES' COMPLEX CRITIQUE Options

[Psyche]

WALK

Let us walk, hand in hand,
when shadows
stretch across the land,
like a black cat
waking from its lethargy.

Let us walk
along soothing paths
of Night,
that lays her cool lips
on our scars.

Night, saturated with silences
without veil or falsehood:
silken air wafts fragrancies
of white roses
on that certain pinewood,
I foresee the fistful of earth,
I know the limit
that dusk intimates.

Let us walk, Night is soon.
For a few instants,
still,
reality will be dissolved
under the tepid providence of the moon.

Psyche

Copyright 2004, Buenos Aires, Argentina.
From "Patagonia Lost", unedited collection.

[Cybele]

Good morning Sylvia,

Oh, what a great sense of peace you have portayed here. I felt the   calmness of the silent night throughout, but never more than in these words...


Let us walk
along the soothing paths
of Night
that lays her cool lips
on our scars.


I love the night sky, it is so humbling in it's majesty and vastness. How could anyone gaze on a sight like that and not believe in a Divine Being?

I haven't read this one before Sylvia, I am so glad you posted it here.  :cloud9:

Love

Grace


(I just looked out the window and saw a solitary swan in flight about 20 yards away and it took my breath away!!)

[Guest_Dove_*]

psyche-

hello. :)

i got the picture of the time of sunset when the moon and sun are out. when time is stretched yet, moves so fast as the sun's redness disappears. i hope i'm right. :)

a few nits and opinions to take as you will. :)

your line breaks threw me off a little. i'm not for sure why. some seemed too long and others seemed too short, the idea not fully capitivated in that one line. but all that IMHO.

you would usage was beautiful. took my breath away. i swear i was holding it the entire time (made quite the ruscous when i exhaled it in the quiet library. lol). only one line got me confused:

Night saturated with silences
without veil or falsehood:
I guess white roses
on the certain pinewood,
I foresee the fistful of earth,
I know the limit
that dusk intimates.

i feel like you're missing a word or something.  :wall:

[Psyche]

Dear Grace,
I'm so glad my poem transmits peace to you. I also love Night, especially in Patagonia, where the night sky is so brilliant, you can see every star twinkling in the immensity of that maroon dome. And the moon and stars reflected in the deep lagoons... Yes, that reminds me, I have a photograph of Patagonia for you, taken by a Britisher who has moved down there to marry an Argentine widow !! Will send, you'll see it's not all DUST over there  :jester:
I'm fairly sure the solitary swan has inspired you to write another poem. Bet my best hat, in fact !
Love,
Sylvia  :cloud9:

[Psyche]

psyche-

hello. :)

i got the picture of the time of sunset when the moon and sun are out. when time is stretched yet, moves so fast as the sun's redness disappears. i hope i'm right. :)

a few nits and opinions to take as you will. :)

your line breaks threw me off a little. i'm not for sure why. some seemed too long and others seemed too short, the idea not fully capitivated in that one line. but all that IMHO.

you would usage was beautiful. took my breath away. i swear i was holding it the entire time (made quite the ruscous when i exhaled it in the quiet library. lol). only one line got me confused:

Night saturated with silences
without veil or falsehood:
I guess white roses
on the certain pinewood,
I foresee the fistful of earth,
I know the limit
that dusk intimates.

i feel like you're missing a word or something.  

Hi there Dove !
Thanks for your useful critique. I'm going to eliminate a "the", anyway !!  :)  I'm not really sure whether I envisaged a red sunset or the moon, my mind was more focused on approaching Night, either real or metaphorical. But when one sends a piece "out there", then it's for everybody to feel whatever she/he pleases.
I accept your nits about this poem gracefully   Sometimes I experiment with lines of different lengths and hope to achieve balance with a bit of rhyme here and there. Not to everyone's taste, why should it be? I'm glad u like my word usage, that's a comfort !
"I guess white roses
on the certain pinewood" refers to the approaching burial of a loved one, as the whole poem does, coming and going in time. As I have lost more loved ones than I care to mention, I don't think that I refer to any one in particular, it's just a poem about "taking a soothing walk", holding hands, before it's too late  :) .  Night, here,  would be darkness as in Death, but also an enfolding, comforting cloak wrapping itself around us in the face of reality.
I'm not much good at explaining poems, mine or other's, but I've done my best  :)
Will look u up, Dove,
best, Psyche    

[Guest__*]

Dear Sylvia,

Intersted thoughts, but for me anyway, a few stanza breaks would ease the reading. I also "needed" a few commas, but these points may be just me. :

WALK

Let us walk, hand in hand,
when shadows
stretch across the land,*
like a black cat
waking from its lethargy.

Let us walk
along the soothing paths
of Night,*
that lays her cool lips
on our scars.

Night,* saturated with silences
without veil or falsehood:
I guess white roses -- perhaps "expect" rather than "guess" ?
on the certain pinewood,
I foresee the fistful of earth,
I know the limit
that dusk intimates.

Let us walk, Night is soon.
For a few instants,
still,
reality will be dissolved
under the tepid providence of the moon.

Love
Alan

[Psyche]

Dear Alan,
Thanks so much for taking the trouble to critique my poem. I notice that in this poetry site punctuation is required, more than in most !
I quite agree with your commas and probably have a version with them    Will add.
(I'm planning on posting a poem with no punctuation at all and probably no capital letters... will i be thrown out?!     )
Good idea to break the stanzas, too. Looks "lighter".  :pharoah2
Can't agree about "expect", altho' i do have doubts about "guess".
I don't expect white roses, since i don't know that yet (of course i'm going back and forth in time, as one often does in poetry). They could be another colour, or not even roses. (They WERE white roses, in actual fact, but I chose them spontaneously in those unreal moments prior to the burial of a loved one).
On the other hand, i'm certain about the pinewood, knowing that somebody is very ill and will die. But of course poetry comes and goes in time and space, so the "certain pinewood" is more metaphorical than real.
Thank u again, Alan, for your sensitive critique. I'll think about another word for "guess"  
Love,
Psyche   :)

[Guest__*]

Dear Sylvia,

Thank you for accepting my trampling in your words so well !

Feel free tp reject everything I offer, I attempt to give viewpoints, but know these
can expand your existing certainties just as easily as change them ....

As to "guess", how about a rewrite here :

I guess white roses -- perhaps "expect" rather than "guess" ?
on the certain pinewood,

Roses ? They could be white,
on the certain pinewood,

thus you contrast the one certainty against the unsettled item ?

As for punctuation, no, I would not say required, but as signposts to
guide the reader, or the alter the cadence of a line, they can be useful.

I often write with no puncs at all, or merely a coupla internal commas,
and have also done decapitalised.

Your ramble through time is effective, the time a critiquer gives is merely a
reflection of the intrinsic worth of the poem - so be encouraged !

love
Alan

[Cybele]

Good morning Sylvia,  :sun:  :dance:

I have to admit the word 'guess' did jar a little but then I know it is a word greatly used in other parts of the world where it would sound perfectly natural.  This is just and English thing - I guess

No, but seriously folks,

A couple of alternatives to suggest.   Chuck of choose!!

Perhaps white roses
on the certain pinewood?


or

I see white roses
on the certain pinewood


Love

Grace




Hi Alan, where have you been hiding out?  Lovely to see you back in full flow.

[Psyche]

Hi Grace & Alan !
Thank u so much for helping me with this poem !
I shall ponder  :) the "guess" word, fact is, Grace is totally right about the language difference. The equivalent in Spanish, "adivinar", is associated with divination, prophesies, visions, etc., whereas "I guess" in English is quite inadequate.
Most grateful for your help, both of you  :laugh:
Hugs,
Psyche  :sun:

[Guest__*]

Dear Sylvia,

Some words for guess :

approximate, conjecture, dead reckoning, estimate, gauge, guessing, guesswork, hazard, hypothesis, imagine, infer, judge, reckon, shot, speculation, suppose, supposition, surmise, think, venture

You aare so right, the spanish means so much more. Engl would be : to devine, perhaps.

Love
Alan

[Psyche]

Hi Alan !
Thank u so much for your valuable help. Maybe i've got it better this time around...
I haven't used any of the words you suggested, but you've motivated me to express my thoughts from a different angle  :)
Thanks again, u may continue to trample on my words, that's why i'm here, no problem !!
Love,
Psyche  :dove: