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Posted by: Maureen May 11 13, 06:32

NOT QUITE WHITE - Amended version


White was nice,
white was bland,
white was not a colour.

God, he was sick of white – neutral white – blank palette white.
White overalls, white dustsheets.
Everyone was the same, like bloody sheep following the leader.
They all wanted white.

Where were the blues,
the pistachios,
cerise and aubergines?

When had white become the go?
Safe old white – cold white.
Icy white, white out, antique white.

What’s right with white?

He sat under the filtered light from the skylight,
smelt the fresh plaster,
noted the grain in the timber banisters soon to be painted white
and as he stirred and stirred
the colours deepened,
became strong and vibrant.
Alive.

He smiled. Surrounded by glass he stood
viewing the panorama of nature's vibrancy.

Green and blue,
yellow buttercups, wild crocus
and fluffy white clouds.

He began to paint his walls...
Not quite white.

Posted by: JustDaniel May 11 13, 20:23

Greetings, Maureen.

As I've said before, I'm definitely not the one to offer critique to free verse. To me there are just so many options a writer has, that s/he can go any direction s/he chooses, so I hardly ever know what to say.

I do like the flavor of this, however, and love the ending.

It's ironic that you use the Brit slang "bloody" in reference to sheep, since to our American ears it's quite the opposite of white!!! So I had to chuckle at that a bit.

My only real crit is that your piece needs quite a bit of work with punctuation, and that characteristic missing apostrophe shows up again as well.

Sorry not to be of much help, but it's a pleasure to read you again.

deLightingly, Daniel

Posted by: Merlin May 16 13, 11:19

Hello Maureen,

I seldom come and do crit, as you may have noticed. However, since there is such an abundance of bodies, I’ll jump in here for a moment.

Personally, I did a transition from writing only R & M to FV and I use that abbreviation meaning “open form” to distinguish it as poetry, not just chopped sentences. It gave me a very broad insight into many things I hadn’t realized before, one being that writing FV is far more difficult than the fixed form which has its set rules and parameters. Therefore, the writer must have greater skill to make “verse”, as opposed to chopped lines.

That said, here I goes >>>

I like what you’ve written, and that you request input. It being FV, you may do as you wish – that is your right.

In my opinion, you should alter line lengths, in order to make it look less “fixed”. White space (yeah, ya missed that one, didn’t ya!) is often important in FV. Also, you’re likely aware of the importance of line breaks. L5, for example, could be 3 lines, using indents (a series of dots in the posting, colored the same as the background is a trick we use here)

Where were the blues,
........the pistachios,
................cerise and aubergines?

You cause the reader to pause for a moment’s hesitation to consider reasons. It also is a downhill flow, creating more impact for such a loss.

I believe you need more of the poetic devices – metaphor, simile, and such. It is still poetry! Show, don’t tell.

Posted by: Merlin May 16 13, 11:24

Just when I said I don't come here often - here I am again!

Nit >>>
you begin in L1 using 2 verb tenses, was & is. Fussy Felix doesn't approve.

Suggestion>>>
try the same in both tenses to see which you prefer, past or present. I do that sometimes to see which works best, and it isn't always the same.

M

Posted by: Maureen May 16 13, 19:34

Good on you Merlin for some great tips there - the idea of breaking that line down into three - excellent

smelt v smelled - apparently both can be correct; the "lt" form (smelt, spelt, etc.) is more British. That might explain it as by birth I am a pommie, but Australian by choice so the word smelt came naturally to me.

Mixing time frames along with bad punkchewashun - I pleads guild M'lud * note to self - must do better.

Now I take offence at your comment on sheep - I raised sheep 1000 of the littly woolly buggers and let me assure you SHEEP ARE NOT STUPID. They can be cunning, uncooperative, docile, feral, loving, brave, but they are not stupid. They follow each other and have the 'flock' mentality because that is their only real form of protection, but taken individually they are equally as smart as horses. I loved my sheep and saw them exhibit some truly remarkable behaviour. They made me smile and laugh and bought me to tears many times and I never ceased to find them a fascinating subject.

I will post up my poem about 'Hitler' one of my wethers - you will find out why he was named that. I also had one that initially we named Fat Boy because he was but I didn't want to cause him emotional harm so changed his name to Harley.

Daniel - bloody sheep - 'bloody' is the great Australian adjective and we use it for bloody everything out here from bloody blowies (blowflies) to bloody pollies (politicians) It is nothing to do with the colour red nor considered a swear word - it just is - bloody Australian. So no offence is ever intended

Cheers

Maureen

Posted by: Merlin May 16 13, 23:53

Hi again Maureen,
good to see the changes - I'll head back to take a closer look.

Regional spellings will differ, and I use "spellt" as spelled, and have been taken to task for it. Also interesting are pronunciations; I was surprised to find some breaking "children" into 3 syllables >>> chil-der-un. Go figger!

I likely dated different sheep back in my day, not Merinos, and therefore have a different view (haha)!

M

Posted by: Eisa May 21 13, 14:26

Hi Maureen,

This is such an original idea for a poem - I really like it.

I have just one suggestion, mentioned by Merlin. I feel this would be more immediate if it were all brought into the present tense.
Take or toss!

Eira

Posted by: Maureen May 28 13, 21:41

Thanks for the comments - taken them on board and amended

Cheers

Maureen

Posted by: Psyche Jun 17 13, 00:41

Maureen!

I absolutely missed this one. I know I read it long ago, but thought I had left my comments.

I've been laughing at the interchange between Daniel, Merlin and yourself.

To complicate matters, I just have to remark that I like your first version best of all. IMHO, FV doesn't necessarily have to be spaced, although it's fun to do that as well.

I agree about some punctuation revision. I'll return at a better moment to point out the er...mistakes!

Have you inspected the IBPC winning poems, which can be found lower down, somewhere near the challenges? Mostly, the FV ones get the prizes. No idea why, but I really like last month's winners.

I think this poem can be nominated for entry into IBPC. You'd have to fix the punctuation, the rest is highly original, I really love it! I'm sure Lori will agree, don't know where she's off to right now. We all seem to have crowded days and I apologise for being absent for a while.

Do let us know about IBPC, it's once a month and there's a deadline.
Many hugs,
Syl***

Posted by: Eisa Jun 17 13, 07:45

Hi Maureen

I'm glad to see Syl is going to nom this for IBPC - I'll second that however I have to agree with her that your original layout looks far better.

Snow

Posted by: Maureen Jun 17 13, 18:32

Thanks Sylvia and Eisa - that would be an honour indeed. Happy to know you think it worthy

Cheers

Maureen

Posted by: Psyche Jun 18 13, 16:26

Delayed again! I don't like to talk about health in the forums, but I have Fibromyalgia and associated syndromes, plus husband with early senile dementia. OK, I said it. And very sadly, we lost a staff member called Stephen around Christmas. He was very active till his last days. We miss him, R.I.P., Steve our good friend.

I'm delighted that Eisa agrees about the IBPC nom, and that you're happy about it too!!

I've been reading the first version, which we both think would be best for IBPC (not necessarily for other competitions) and I believe you've done some punctuation changes? For the best. At the moment, I see that nature right at the end, needs an apostrophe = nature's.
I hope Eisa will have time to take a look as well. She also has her personal troubles.

Nonetheless, I'll go to the staffroom and nom this wonderful poem for IBPC, as is. You'll get a PM from Lori for your acceptance. You'll have some days to make changes, if you wish, not to worry!

Right now I have to visit hubby in the Home, help him with his supper, so I'll do the nom when I get back. To think you're 12 hours ahead of me!!

Much love,
Syl***

QUOTE (Maureen @ Jun 17 13, 21:32 )

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 22 13, 07:36

Hi Maureen,

I was pleasantly surprised reading your poem this morning as I had no idea what the content would be based on your title.

I see the nom for the IPBC - I will post it officially in our IBPC forum and send you a PM to go there and comment. If you would like to have this sent on to the competition for July's entries, please let me know by the end of this month. I must send in our nominations between the 1st and 3rd. Also, you'd need to let me know whcih version to send and when any further revisions are completed.

As for my commentary, I enjoyed this poem and the content. At first I was thinking there are too many of the word 'white' but as I continued to read the poem, I found I liked it that way! There are also some nice inner rhymes going on which is essential in free verse I think. Applying inner rhymes and alliteration with metaphors, similes etc. always seems to make a poem more profound.

I have made comments in WORD and will paste them in here now. Personally, I am not bothered by your amendment to center the poem, although I think it would look good left aligned as well. I do favor the amended for it's flow more so (the line breaks). Having said that, there are some punctuation tidbits that I will address. PLease feel free to T or T (take or toss) my suggestions.

{delete} [add]

White was nice,
white was bland,
white was not a colour.

God[,] he was sick of white – neutral white – blank palette white.
White overalls, white dust sheets. <-- dustsheets should be one word
Everyone was the same[,] like bloody sheep following the leader.
They all wanted white.

Where were the blues,
the pistachios,
cerise and aubergines?

When had white become the go?
Safe old white – cold white[.]<-- Add an end stop for a more dramatic pause here
Icy white, white out, antique white.

What’s right with white?

Here, I would change the tense to match the rest: He sat {Sitting} under the filtered light from the skylight,
{he} smelt the fresh plaster,
noted the grain in the timber banisters{,} soon to be painted white
and as he stirred and stirred
the colours deepened,
became strong and vibrant.
Alive.

He smiled, {as he stood} surrounded by glass{,}
viewing the panorama of nature[']s <-- Add apostrophe vibrancy.

Green and blue,
yellow buttercups, wild crocus
and fluffy white clouds.

He began to paint his walls. <-- Here, I would change to an ellipse for that pause . . .
Not quite white.

Enjoyed,
~Cleo

Posted by: Maureen Jun 22 13, 17:55

Thanks Cleo for your helpful comments which I have addressed.

I would be delighted for you to enter the amended version into the July Comp - thank you

Cheers

Maureen

Posted by: Psyche Jun 23 13, 02:12

Lovely amendment, Maureen!

Your poem is highly original and I can imagine an analogy of true events, but will leave that issue alone...LOL...

The only reason I think left alignment is better, is because I haven't seen spaced or centered ones among IBPC winners. They say it's best to study the competition's characteristics when offering one's work.

But anything can happen! And I like the way you've amended it, so best leave it the way Lori suggests. I'm so glad she's had time to help you, we're all so busy...wow...

Congrats, Syl***

Posted by: saore Jun 23 13, 07:38

I really like your revision. It is spot on.

Sergio

Posted by: Maureen Jul 3 13, 05:33

Have to say I have been blown away by the response to this for which I thank everyone who so kindly and willingly gave suggestions and assistance. This is one of those poems that a friend on another site calls an elbow poem - something I dashed off in a few minutes never thinking for a minute it would fly and just literally a throw a way jobbie that came from my warped sense of humour - and look where it has gone No doubt about it one never knows what other people are going to like.

Posted by: Psyche Jul 4 13, 19:56

I liked it straight away, Maureen. And it's so true, sometimes you dash off something and it's a grand success, whereas a week's work might bore people to death...LOL...
I like repetition when it's well done and amusing, or whatever! I don't know which version Lori sent off, do you? Centered is OK, tho' I'm often ticked off for doing that. And then along come others who shove me back into center place!
Best of luck,
Syl***

QUOTE (Maureen @ Jul 3 13, 08:33 )

Have to say I have been blown away by the response to this for which I thank everyone who so kindly and willingly gave suggestions and assistance. This is one of those poems that a friend on another site calls an elbow poem - something I dashed off in a few minutes never thinking for a minute it would fly and just literally a throw a way jobbie that came from my warped sense of humour - and look where it has gone No doubt about it one never knows what other people are going to like.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jul 5 13, 08:28

LOL - I sent the newest version - center aligned.

Cheers,
~Cleo