 LAUGHTER OF THE GODS - Rev 1 |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies  |
 Dec 21 10, 03:34
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#1
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends  |
Revision 1
LAUGHTER OF THE GODS Convene many a conference in princely, expensive spaces fly in delegates, some billions, and from the furthest of places They’ll discuss evil man’s doings with claims he is wrecking his earth due to flying, breathing, farting until planet’s bubble is burst Man’s producing dread CO2, count up his innumerable crimes; he is causing hot hell’s climate, woe is us, the ends of all times Every time these bat-blind zealots hear their Pavlov’s conference bell please note : it’s actually snowing - warming fit to freeze bloody hell It is often said that raindrops represent the tears of sad Gods; I say such snow is the laughter of those hilarious old Sods ____________________________________ Original LAUGHTER OF THE GODS Convene many a conference in some luxurious space fly billions of delegates from - oh - all over the place Discuss evil man’s doings cuz he’s wrecking his earth flying, breathing, farting for all that he’s worth Doing this he produces CO2 ’mongst his innumerable crimes so causes hot hell’s climate and whoa, the ends of all times Every time these bat-blind zealots hear Pavlov’s conference bell note, please, it’s actually snowing fit to freeze bloody hell It may be said raindrops are the tears of sad Gods; but I say snow is the laughter of those humourous old Sods Alan McAlpine Douglas ·······  ······· |
  
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Dec 24 10, 15:04
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#2
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 Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Alan,
This is quite funny. There are some issues.. the line lengths are off by a few syllables here and there. You may want to even them up. I enjoyed the poem, though, good one! Karen ······· ······· |
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Dec 24 10, 15:27
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#3
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Karen,
Thank you, and also Hmmmmm ... I certainly could make them all 7 or 8 sylls, but I wonder if it is necessary ? Reading it aloud, it seems to flow OK ? Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Dec 24 10, 15:50
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#4
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Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
I don't know- I just always try to make if uniform. If you don't mind, then I don't mind :-)
K ······· ······· |
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Dec 29 10, 16:54
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#5
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,560 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hey, Alan...
What you have here is really rhyming free verse, as close as it is to form. But there is no uniformity in the meter or the pace. This piece depends much on its clever humor AND the reading skills of its author. With that in mind, all is well, except for the 'mongst... which is totally unnecessary and out of place where there is not some metrical necessity. Lighting off again, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner        |
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Jan 1 11, 03:59
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#6
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Daniel,
Thank you, your delicate "hammering" has made me do something quite rare - I have extensively revised the whole poem, now at least the line lengths match. At this point I should apologise to Karen - you were quite right ! How does this suit you both ? Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jan 1 11, 08:50
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#7
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Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Alan,
This really is much improved. It looks like you are wanting to write formal poetry and not sculpt this poem into free verse. If that is where you are putting your efforts, then you must know there is one more element that your poems needs to qualify as formal poetry. That would be the meter. You have the rhyme, the syllable count, now you need a consistent meter running through it, otherwise it looks half done. The meter is the arrangement of your accented syllables. You need to have one stressed and then one non stressed syllable, one after the other. You can look each word up and see how the accents fall in the dictionary if you are not sure. Good luck! Karen QUOTE (Alan @ Jan 1 11, 04:59 )  Dear Daniel, Thank you, your delicate "hammering" has made me do something quite rare - I have extensively revised the whole poem, now at least the line lengths match. At this point I should apologise to Karen - you were quite right ! How does this suit you both ? Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jan 2 11, 04:42
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#8
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Karen,
Well, after 19 years as a quite prolific poet, I am delighted to be finally told I could use a "dictionary" ! Where do I find such a contraption ? LOL Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jan 2 11, 16:09
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#9
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Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Alan,
I didn't mean it in a condescending way. I get words like "fire" and "jewel" that mess me up on a regular basis, as far as the syllables go. People from English speaking countries all have their own different dialects that tend to manipulate syllables around. I just thought it would be helpful in that regard. Karen QUOTE (Alan @ Jan 2 11, 04:42 ) Dear Karen,
Well, after 19 years as a quite prolific poet, I am delighted to be finally told I could use a "dictionary" ! Where do I find such a contraption ? LOL Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jan 2 11, 16:25
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#10
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Karen,
Thank you, I hope you realise I was partly joking. I suffer from the fact that you possess one of my all-time favourite girl's names, it being the name of the daughter in Field of Dreams, a movie I love ! I know you meant well. And you raise the other point with which I thought to respond, that of accent/pronunciation - there has been many a discussion going right back to that famous to-may-to and pot-ahh-to too. Now, when I read this poem aloud, I find no places where my tongue trips, and, lacking any formal language training, that tends to be my measure. Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jan 2 11, 16:56
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#11
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Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Alan,
Glad I didn't offend you~ sometimes I come across a bit blunt if I'm not careful... I blame it on that English husband of mine. Karen QUOTE (Alan @ Jan 2 11, 16:25 ) Dear Karen, Thank you, I hope you realise I was partly joking. I suffer from the fact that you possess one of my all-time favourite girl's names, it being the name of the daughter in Field of Dreams, a movie I love ! I know you meant well. And you raise the other point with which I thought to respond, that of accent/pronunciation - there has been many a discussion going right back to that famous to-may-to and pot-ahh-to too. Now, when I read this poem aloud, I find no places where my tongue trips, and, lacking any formal language training, that tends to be my measure. Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jan 3 11, 01:23
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#12
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Karen,
So he's a Tyke, then ? Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jan 10 11, 18:23
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#13
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 11,376 Joined: 15-June 07 From: Springfield, Louisiana Member No.: 446 Real Name: Larry D. Jennings Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Just wondered in. |
Hi Alan,
Got in a little late on this one but I have been absentee for a while. Love the satire and humor you have provided in our little corner of the world. I've read it through a few times and I see little wrong with the flow but have a tiny problem with your end-rhymes on S2L2-L4. "Earth - burst" Perhaps replace "his earth" with " ,accursed" Just a thought TOT! Larry ······· ·······When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers. Larry D. Jennings MM Award Winner     |
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Jan 11 11, 02:07
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#14
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Larry,
Lovely to have you visit ! Thanks for the comments - I try to write serious with a spoonful of humour to get the medicine to go down. I agree with you on earth/burst, but will stick with it, your alt does not quite make my meaning. Love Alan ······· ······· |
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