4th March 2009 Options

[Guest_Ishmael_*]

And in the nights to come the sky will empty
The stars will leave the mourning to rusted moons
Lowering their eyes and coughing as they go
In early twilights breezes glowing guilty
Fiddle with leaves and all the brittle coffins
Lie scattered beneath a single trembling bough

Forget the lies of a vengeance still to come
Whispered by plumes that rise in fretful ribbons
Nothing stirs the covens they stand without shame
Consumptive figures of fun with all their claws
Raking the flaccid clouds and when the rains
Do fall the witches gather them up for oils

And who’s to say when the urge might strike again
To leave the gate for misery’s herds ajar
So lie right here my peach where the husks are blown
And lonely ghosts can watch us night after night
Damping down the dust with trickles of nectar
Let ravens scrape the sky with their broken wit

[JLY]

Ishmael:

This is a moving poem and requires one to read it more than once to get the full impact of it. It seems like you have summoned some unique words and very poetic images.
I notice that you do not use any punctuation and it would help if you did as there are some places that need to have a pause, for example:

Nothing stirs the covens[,] they stand without shame

The following line has me thinking of variations; not sure if what you mean to say is well stated and it is not as smooth as your other lines..
In early twilights breezes glowing guilty

I will be back after I have had a chance to read it a few more times.

JLY

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Ishmael - A Gothic, 'hall of cracked mirrors' poem; crammed with startling images, many of which creep up behind one, and deliver a sharp dig in the ribs.
Your imagery is inspiring - startling even; yet reading this poem is like playing a pin-ball machine.
The mind bumps into an obstacle, a light flashes, bells ring - and then the reader is pitched, protesting, back to the beginning of the sentence. And all because there is no punctuation to block their backward flight.
Please, just to help those of us who are not privy to your mind, give us a little more punctuation.
Most of the members here are willing to worry at a poem, with the hope of finding hidden meanings; but the poet has some responsibility to aid the reader, by leaving a few signposts.
Having said all this, I so enjoyed your poem as a piece of poetic imagery - I just wish that I had managed to extract all the juice. The fault- in all probability- lies with me.
Leo

[Guest_Ishmael_*]

Thanks for your comments guys. This poem's been a real juggling act for me. I desperately want to keep all punctuation out of it for several reasons but I also don't want to alienate readers. I don't know if you guys picked up on the significance of the title but that was meant as a kind of key to help unlock some of the imagery. It might only work for Australian readers though. It's the date that the recent bushfires were finally brought under control.

Leo, you're quite right with your critique. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might leave extra signposts without bringing in punctuation?

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Ro, I realy liked this, but also like John and Leo, I too would prefer some punctuation, or line breaks where punctuation should be..maybe that would work. There are some really excellent visuals and descriptives used here..as Leo said the sneak up behind and poke you. I think this could be a really major piece with just some minor work.

Steve

[jgdittier]

Dear Ishmael,
I'm the neighborhood "sing-song" reader and so, being out of sync with modern methods, my comment isn't likely to be all that helpful.
As a verser rather than a poet, I'm mechanical and though I appreciate the imagery, I too would benefit from more punctuation as I care greatly that what I write is read the way I hope for it. Thus I'm occasionally reminded that I use too much punctuation.
More important than anything already covered, I'm curious and wonder what are your reasons for avoiding punctuation. I'm also one who appreciates footnote explanations as to the writer's techniques and words/phrases that we may fail to understand.
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Ishmael. You really have set me a problem. I thoroughly enjoyed this poem, and your short story - but find myself exasperated by tripping over my feet when I read them. Would you agree that the reason for the existence of a poet - is to communicate?
I have a suspicion that the majority of us, after working to interpret your poem, would have derived far greater satisfaction from it if you had explained, in an introductory note, why you didn't wish to use that most valuable tool for communicating with your readers - punctuation.
My inclination was to look at your excellent, but obscure poem, and think,
'Far too clever for me!'
Then to furtively sidle away - to graze on simpler fare.
But there you were - a good new poet,(at least, you were new to us.) and deserved a reply.
Can it be possible that you wish to drive a willing, (and reasonably literate) audience away from your work? If so why publish it? Why put stumbling blocks in the path of your would-be reader?
I am hoping that your challenging images are not so exclusive that only those who are willing to plumb your inner thoughts may enjoy your verses.

I am ashamed to say that the title of the poem meant nothing to me.
I simply thought that you had given us the date upon which you finished the poem.

It is, sadly, the way with World Disasters. A major disaster in a far away country leaves little lasting impression on the rest of the world. The Indian Floods , The Tsunami in Thailand, both places where thousands lost their lives and homes. Yet I wonder - could you give us the dates off the top of your head?
Unless you were there - I doubt it.
We read about horrors,and think, 'That's dreadful!'
We put our few coins in a collecting box. And then go about our daily business.

I'm sorry, but I am unable to offer you any suggestions for signposts for your readers, other than the use of punctuation - possibly more skilled poets than myself will be able to suggest something.
Leo

[Guest_Ishmael_*]

Leo, thanks for taking the time again. I certainly don't want to drive readers away, especially ones as astute as you seem to be. At the same time, I didn't want to put in an explanatory note because I feel a poem should be able to stand on its own, since that is how it would be published. Obviously I still have a way to go with this piece. Thanks again for your critiques. You've given me plenty to think about.

[Arnfinn]

G'day, mate.

Yep. I'm an Australian.


What a wonderful poem.


And in the nights to come the sky will empty
The stars will leave the mourning to rusted moons <<< rusted?
Lowering their eyes and coughing as they go
In early twilights breezes glowing guilty
Fiddle with leaves and all the brittle coffins
Lie scattered beneath a single trembling bough<<< Mate, what a great stanza. A feeling of helplessness.

Forget the lies of a vengeance still to come
Whispered by plumes that rise in fretful ribbons
Nothing stirs the covens they stand without shame
Consumptive figures of fun with all their claws
Raking the flaccid clouds and when the rains
Do fall the witches gather them up for oils<<< consumptive? eliminated in late 60's(Aus). Whooee...A confrontation.

And who’s to say when the urge might strike again
To leave the gate for misery’s herds ajar
So lie right here my peach where the husks are blown
And lonely ghosts can watch us night after night
Damping down the dust with trickles of nectar
Let ravens scrape the sky with their broken wit<<< And vulnerability.



This is a terrific poem.


You have put so much feeling into the verses.


Your poem reads well.



John