Printable Version of Topic

Click here to view this topic in its original format

Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms _ Haiku

Posted by: alice Jul 31 09, 11:44

Harbour waters
I see me in my
daughters face

Alice44

Posted by: ace Jul 31 09, 15:24

Alice:

Nice image. But even if you ignore the 5-7-5 aspect of the haiku, should not one at least attempt a 4-6-4 or something that ballances line 1 and 3? Just quibbling...bear with me.

ace

Posted by: alice Aug 1 09, 08:00

hi Ace..not sure I agree with balancing by numbers..

I'm glad you liked the image though, thanks for commenting

regards
Alice

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 1 09, 08:07

Hi Alice44,

A nice image here in this one! I tend to think of this as a Senyru though since its about 'people'. Either way - its lovely!

My question as a reader is, "why choose 'harbour waters'?" Is there a further significance we don't yet understand?

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: alice Aug 2 09, 08:37

Hi Cleo, I agree with the senryu..and this was written after my daughter and I had been sitting on the jetty on the harbour. We both peered in and I saw how much alike we were..

thank you for commenting

regards
Alice

Posted by: Arnfinn Aug 3 09, 04:58

G'day.

Love the imagery.

Regards,

John

Posted by: ohsteve Aug 3 09, 16:21

Alice, I already stated my trouble with Hiaku/ Senyru and number in your Hiabun post. I have rearranged a bit so IMHO it makes a bit more sense, still don't have the numbers, but hey, lets call it what Mark did, American Hiaku.

Harbour waters
I see me in my
daughters face

Harbor waters mirror - 6
our faces - 2
I see me in her - 5

or

Harbor waters - 4
mirror our faces - 4
I see me there - 4

Thats right your an Oz ...you spell harbor with a 'u', I picked up that habit in England with some words but not others, just like I picked up crossing my 7's with a bar through the middle as the Germans do. I sure hope to see more of your writing Alice. Of course these are just my two cents. Spend them or not.

Steve

Posted by: Eisa Aug 3 09, 18:32

Harbour waters
I see me in my
daughters face

Alice44

I like this Alice. I still see my mothers face in me at times.

The 2nd line sounds a little awkward somehow.

I see me in my

Perhaps something like

harbour waters
I see my daughter's face
in my image

Snow

Ace - the recent way of thinking in haiku is not so much a balancing of numbers, but short/long/short lines, although the essence & conciceness is important too.

Posted by: alice Aug 4 09, 10:15

Steve, hi
I love how one ku can develop into so many others, each with their own merit.
I think the problem with trying to fit into a set amount of syllables is that it can make the writer fill out the poem with unnecessary words.

perhaps I can change my ku to

Harbour waters
in my daughters face
I see myself

or

two faces in one
my daughters mouth
returns my smile

hmmm not as easy as it looks

thank you for your valuable comments.

regards
Alice

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 4 09, 13:44

Ooohhhh - I'm fond of this variation:

two faces in one
my daughters mouth
returns my smile

Posted by: Thoth Aug 4 09, 16:13

Loved the image, It is getting us all inspired!
I'm a traditional 5-7-5 lover so will abstain for now.

Jogged my muse to write a longer poem that I will post later in R&M.

Thanks for that!!

Hugz,
Wally

Posted by: Eisa Aug 4 09, 16:40

Hi Alice

I love both of your further thoughts on this ... but especially this one-

two faces in one
my daughters mouth
returns my smile

Snow

Posted by: alice Aug 4 09, 19:11

Cleo, glad you liked it..I love how we can feed of one another..

Alice

Posted by: alice Aug 4 09, 19:13

Wally, I look forward to reading yours..
thanks so much for looking at mine..

take care
Alice

Posted by: alice Aug 4 09, 19:17

Snow thank you..
I find these forms difficult. It is nice to spend time here and let other poets inspire the muse..

take care
Alice

Posted by: JustDaniel Sep 6 09, 18:57

Hey, Alice...

love what you're doing, and some of your 'revisions' are really fine... but there is always something intriguing about the original IMPRESSION that creates the senryu/haiku...

so I'd really like to see you return to the harbour waters impression somehow.

"Traditional" haiku (as you know, Alice) has nothing to do with 5-7-5, the rubric that most of us learned in our introduction to haiku, so I also like your resistance to being placed in that box. For me, the only workable rubric seems to be short/long/short, in general, keeping in mind two images juxtaposed upon each other from the same impression.

daughter's face
in the harbour waters...
my own smile

Lightly, Daniel

Posted by: Larry Sep 7 09, 12:29

Hi Alice,

Welcome to MM and the wonderful interaction of different minds swimming in the same small pool. Like Steve, I prefer the 5-7-5 structure but that is my problem. The content and not the structure is one of the reasons I wanted to post my thoughts on your Haiku thread; ( it is more likely a Senyru as Lori stated). I would question why you "tell" the reader what you want them to see instead of utilizing "objective correlation" and let the reader view the external facts you present and have an epiphany when realizing that your stated facts hold true for a lot of people. By being too subjective, you take away that chance. Perhaps something like:

Harbour waters
My face reflected
two times

Just a take or toss suggestion but I'll leave you with a paraphrased thought: What we imagine, think or feel on an emotional basis will interrupt and become inappropriate; we want to produce a thought with the reader, not start with one.

I do love the imagery but wish you had let me figure out what you wanted me to see.

Larry