Twilight Song, Wizard Award Winner Options

[Aggiel]

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Twilight Song ( edited )

When sunlight wanes upon the land
and shadows stray too long,
and homing birds in flight depart,
they sing a sunset song.

The bustles of the day then cease
and  folks do then go  home.
Outside  a  nightingale  keeps  watch,
the  moon above the dome.

Agatha Lai


Twilight Song ( ORIGINAL )

When sunlight wanes upon the land
and shadows stray too long,
and homing birds in flight depart,
they sing a sunset song.

The bustles of the day then cease
and  folks come on back  home.
Outside, a  nightingale  keeps  watch,
the  moon above the dome.

Agatha Lai

[Guest_Cathy_*]

This is pretty.  The rhythm is great, somewhat sing-song as you go along.

Outside, a nightingale keeps watch,
the moon above the dome.

I really like that part.

Cathy~

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Aggie

You conjured up a lovely vision of coming home at the end of the day, nature and people settling down ready for the night and sleep.  It also flowed well.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Agatha,

(I'm trying another name for you now)

This is great!

Twilight Song (Good title)

When sunlight wanes upon the land
and shadows stray too long, (Lovely Line)
and homing birds in flight depart,
they sing a sunset song. (Great alliteration)

The bustles of the day then cease
and  folks come on back  home.
Outside, a  nightingale  keeps  watch,
the  moon above the dome. (Great line, too).

I liked this very much; No suggestions, this time, just enjoyment. Thank you.

James.

[Aggiel]

Hi Cathy,

Thank you for reading my poem and the encouraging comments .Yes, it's my favourite line too.



Best wishes

Aggiel

[Aggiel]

Hi Nina,

Yes, it's a lovely part of the day so the write comes easy.

Thanks.

Best wishes



Aggiel

[Aggiel]

James,

It's a rerief , no pages of comments from you, not that I don't welcome them , if it's required. Thanks for pointing out your favourite lines.

Best wishes



Agatha

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Aggie!  :butterfly:

I find this smooth and comforting. A rhyme to read over and over.

For some reason, I am thinking there could be a few other words to decribe your second stanza, but I will need to think on it and come back again soon (I'm tired and not focused tonight).

The bustles of the day then cease
and  folks come on back  home.
Outside, a  nightingale  keeps  watch,
the  moon above the dome.


Well, for an idea:

and folks do then go home ??
Outside a nightingale keeps watch...


What are you tring to say with the word 'dome'?

Maybe that'll help me...

Regards.
Cleo  :dragon:

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Aggiel,

This is a very sweet and gentle picture of the evening.

Are you working on a series about home and homecoming? This poem seems to belong with your last one, too (End of Day).

Fran

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Aggiel

I like it too.

Perry

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Agatha and Lori,

Ok, neck out here...

I took "dome" to mean Earth?

Is that what you meant?

James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

--- and I imagined a temple ...

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

...and I thought the sky:

"And that inverted Bowl we call The Sky,
Whereunder crawling coop't we live and die,
Lift not thy hands to It for help—for It
Rolls impotently on as Thou or I."

Perry

[Aggiel]

Hello Cleo,

Thanks for the good comments. I am glad you find the rhymes smooth.

I have done the revision for the last stanza.

One day I was driving home and saw the moon hang above the dome, and so I thought that may sound nice. Any way it rhymes with home.

Best wishes



Aggiel

[Aggiel]

Hi Fran,

It's just a concidence. This poem was written few days ago. The
previous poem ..two years ago. You notice too that my poems are getting shorter , but the home is still in.

Home sweet home  :pharoah:


Best wishes


Aggie

[Aggiel]

Perry,

Thanks a lot for the appreciation.

After seeing your poem, I presume wrttten by you , I am very much tempted to claim Dome in my poem is earth, and not the ordinary
circular roof we see a lot around here..

But no.


Best wishes


Aggiel

[Aggiel]

James,

Since everybody is in favour of dome as earth,why not ? Does my line make sense ?



Best wishes

Aggiel

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Agatha.

My ignorance! I did not know that Borneo had many domed roofs. Fran was close, when she mentioned a temple. But she has the advantage of having travelled - though I don't think to Borneo.

We have been discussing the importance of readers' interpretations to poetry and this is another excellent example.

Your poem made delightful sense in its original words and continues to make equally delightful sense in the revised version.

Thank you for asking and thank you for the poem.

James.

[jgdittier]

Dear Agatha,
I especially like cadence and emphasize it.
As I  read "Twilight Song" with slight emphasis on the beat, I think of it as a vesper song. That beat adds serenity to the piece and sets the mood for the quietude of night.
For me it is a song.
Cheers,    jgd

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Hi, Aggiel

The verse I quoted was from Omar Khayyam's Rubaiyyat as translated by Edward Fitzgerald. A dome is an inverted bowl, which is why I mentioned it.

BTW, Despite all my moves around the world and being forced to sell my book collection (almost a thousand books) when I left the UK in the 70s, I've managed to keep the same leather-bound copy of the Rubaiyyat that I bought as a teenager. I think it's a great poem.

Perry