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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Triumphant Day

Posted by: Eisa Nov 6 10, 08:35

I don't think I've had this on MM before - but here is a revision and the original

REVISED VERSION

Triumphant Day

The rooster’s crow commands the sun to rise,
bestirring earth from sleep. He deftly braids
vermilion ribbons through empurpled skies,
creating tapestries in glorious shades.

Soft flurries whiffle aspen leaves awake,
as robins warble, perched on rowan trees
The welkin’s licked by fiery tongues that break
through opalescent light of day’s reprise.
Fresh dew now sprinkled over meadows, clings
like moistened lace, exudes a fresh bouquet.
Creation drums its rhythm, nature sings
her blithe refrain, uniting dawn’s array.

When earth’s crescendo peaks, its warmth is spread;
the sun now leaps triumphant from his bed.

ORIGINAL

Triumphant Day

The rooster’s crow incites the sun to rise,
bestirring earth from sleep. He deftly braids
vermilion ribbons through empurpling skies,
creating tapestries in lustrous shades.

A breeze respires and shakes the leaves awake,
while sparrows chirp and wing among the trees.
Then fiery tongues caress the sky and break
across the opal hues of day’s reprise.
As dew is sprinkled over fields, it clings
like moistened lace; exudes a fresh bouquet.
Creation beats its rhythm, nature sings
her blithe refrain, uniting dawn’s array.

As earth’s crescendo peaks, its warmth is spread;
the sun now leaps triumphant from his bed.

Posted by: Alan Nov 6 10, 17:04

Dear Snow,

Excellent ! I offer one tiny amendment, as I think it handles a small be-dum glitsch :

Fresh dew is sprinkled over meadows, clings
like moistened lace, exudes a fresh bouquet.

could be :

Fresh dew, now sprinkled over meadows, clings
like moistened lace, exudes a fresh bouquet.

Love
Alan

Posted by: Eisa Nov 6 10, 19:33

Thanks Alan - that does sound much better. I'll change it now.

Love Snow