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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Henny Penny Speaks to America (tweaked w/thx Merle)

Posted by: Mary Boren Nov 18 09, 10:25

A tally of predicaments could wrap around the block.
The kids need shoes; the bill collector's calling.
Politisquabbles dominate the news at 6 o'clock.
Relax, the sky is probably not falling.

The pundits paint a bleak scenario. Predictions seem
convincing in their repetitious drumming,
but to the watchers waking from a bad collective dream,
one thing alone is certain: Change is coming.

More likely what we're feeling is a planetary jerk
produced by waves of panic. But, believe it
or not, a proven principle is steadily at work:
The world's as good or bad as you perceive it.

So when you're pecking for a meal on ground that's parched and hard,
and hear the sound of thunderclouds advancing,
take heart. Don't blindly string along with chickens from the yard
to hunker in the coop. Look up! Start dancing!

Perhaps the slurpy spectacle as optimists cavort
in mud could set a brighter course. Thank heaven
our future's not determined by the 6 o'clock report.
"America's Got Talent" airs at seven.

-----------
originally ...
-----------

An index of catastrophes could wrap around the block.
You're jobless, and the bill collector's calling.

Posted by: Larry Nov 18 09, 11:49

Hi Mary,
Glad to see you back. It is always nice (and a lot of times amusing) to read your work, especially when you have rendered a very topical subject such as this with tongue tucked firmly into cheek.

I have but one small nit and that is of no consequence considering the comic (though true) intent and nature of your poem. All of your hepta's are perfect but the penta's seem to be one syl too long. Lots of present participles are present. No big deal, like I said.

You've put a smile on my face with this one.

Thanks,
Larry

Posted by: Mary Boren Nov 18 09, 12:48

Larry! I'm delighted to see you here. I still recall with fondness the fun we had on that "Longest Poem" thread initiated by Boyd Wheeler, who is no longer with us. I truly regret that I let those files get away, and would give my eye teeth to know whatever became of Museeker, my mentor and friend. He just seemed to drop off the face of the earth about ten years ago.

But enough of reminiscing, and on to be here now. Glad you like HP's advice. She's all grown up now and not so excitable, you know. As for the feminine line endings on the penta lines, I should have clarified in the subheading that it was intentional. I thought it might help to break up the monotony ... No?

Thanks for reading and checking in. I see your villanelle and will return the favor.

Mary

Posted by: Sekhmet Nov 18 09, 13:09

Hello again Mary - I do like your poem! I'm in no position to comment on the heptas and pentas - I am still learning; but for great, shoulder bracing, positive thinking - you take the biscuit.
It is, of course, different for those who wait anxiously for news of their serving soldiers; but for the rest of us, life must go on - and as you say - the sky is probably not about to fall down.
Leo

Posted by: Larry Nov 18 09, 19:22

Hi Mary,

Back at you on the Longest Poem. That was a lot of fun. I've stated in the past and will probably restate it numerous times the future that I am not a student nor have I had any type of training in Poetry writing. I totally forgot about the feminine endings which do not detract in any way whatsoever the structure and lyrical flow of your poem.

Yes!!! It does work. I'm sorry to say I saw no monotony anywhere in HP; just a lot of fun and wry/dry humor. I loved it.

Larry

Posted by: ohsteve Nov 18 09, 22:04

Mary, I too don't know a thing about penta's or whatever. But I was almost crying with laughter at the end of this. I didn't catch the HP thing until Larry's second comment, then I laughed even harder if that is possible. I haven't thought about Henny Penny since my girls were little and how they would laugh at that story as I read to them.
But what you say is so typical of the news today, every one wants to focus on the pessimistic side, what happened to fireman rescues cat from a tree, or cub scout helps older neighbor across street. People are so me, me, me any more, and have gone sue happy, I get so disgusted I don't read the paper anymore except for the comics, and maybe Dear Abby for a laugh.
Thanks for a wonderful post.

Steve

Posted by: Mary Boren Nov 19 09, 15:29

Leo, thanks much for the biscuit -- yum yum. As I'm sure you realize, I don't mean to make light of anyone's burdens, but I do seriously grieve for the cumulative effects of negativity.

Larry, thanks for coming back to this. Glad the fems work as intended.

Steve, I'm so glad you enjoyed this. I had a lot of fun writing it. It actually emerged from an long-forgotten ditty that came to mind recently in a conversation with my son about kind of media manipulation you mention. In looking back through some of the lame stuff in my dusty archive, I see a whole new avenue of possibilities to spark my muse.

Mary

Posted by: merle Nov 21 09, 22:27

Hi Mary -

Before I comment on your poem, would you mind explaining hep/pent lines? Otherwise I'll end up stumbling around in the land of Google. Thanks.

Posted by: Sekhmet Nov 22 09, 02:59

Good morning Merle - A brief answer, from my book about writing poetry, ('An Ode Less Travelled' by Stephen Fry)
Heptameter: a line with seven metrical feet.
Pentameter: a metrical line of five feet.
Tetrameter: a metrical line with four feet

I, being a beginner, tend to think of, 'feet' as, 'beats'; but that's just me.
When you clap in time to a piece of music, each clap is dividing the music into what the poets call, 'feet.'

Feet:
When clapping to a simple, tune or verse - you will soon find how many beats, or feet, it has to a line.
One two three o'clock four o'clock rock,
Five, six, seven o'clock eight o'clock rock;
Nine, ten, eleven o'clock twelve o'clock rock;
(We're goina) rock around the clock tonight.

Each line has four strong beats/feet. The poets call a verse with four feet/ beats to a line, a Tetrameter

He bangs/ the drum/ and makes/ a dread/ful noise./ Five feet, or beats. So that's a Pentameter

Take Shelly's, 'If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?

If Win/ter comes/ can Spring/ be far/ be/hind?/ Five feet or beats. So this is a Pentameter too.

There are, of course, other metric counts - but that is enough to be going along with.
Hope this helps

Leo

Posted by: Mary Boren Nov 22 09, 06:32

Sorry for the shorthand. Thanks for stepping in there, Leo.

M

Posted by: merle Nov 22 09, 21:04

First of all a big 'Thank you' to Leo for the explanation and examples. Not only did I not know what Tetrameter and Pentameter were but I thought feet were something you merely covered with socks and shoes. Please be patient with me.

On to the poem...

Mary - Obviously you have studied poetry for quite some time and I get the feeling your structure is usually flawless so I won't/can't comment on it. As far as the content of your poem, I have a love/hate relationship going on depending on which end of the telescope I'm looking through. I love it if it's directed at people who have remained relatively unscathed by the economic downturn. By all means, I wish they would stop their grumbling and indulge in empty entertainment. At the other end of the spectrum I can't help but think of the thousands who have lost their jobs, homes, savings, and health coverage. For them the sky is not falling but has already fallen and shattered around their feet. Yes, yes, I know you don't mean to come across that way but on a certain level this hits a sour note, one of social and emotional detachment. On the plus side you've really hit a nerve with me and isn't that what good writing is all about?

Posted by: Mary Boren Nov 22 09, 23:48

Hello Merle. Pleased to meet you. I'm glad you learned something new here, and I especially appreciate knowing how the poem struck you. Hmmm, I see your point. It's directed at the love end of your spectrum, of course. I'm not seeing a ready fix for the other end, but will be giving some serious thought to clarification. Looking forward to seeing more from you.

Mary

Posted by: Mary Boren Nov 23 09, 11:23

Inserting an edit of those first two lines to soften my insensitivity toward the real victims, for which I apologize. There is a better word than predicament flitting around my periphery, but this will serve as a placeholder until I get a net over it.

Posted by: jgdittier Nov 23 09, 12:05

Dear Mary,
Time for a comment from the faded perspective...
As is the usual case with your poetry, it glistens from both its message and its presentation.
For me to attempt to improve on it must be limited to a typo!
In that it deeserves comment, I'll comment thusly:
It seems to me that all the comments are directed totally at the message. Methinks that means the careful form you always supply, the choice of words and their flow, the MUSIC your poetry contains seems to go unnoticed.
I know you are adament about your commitment to meter.
You amaze me in handling it so well even with your commitment to enjambment, one of the poetry ploys I
haven't learned to master.
I've long admitted I want the verse I write to be as little like prose as I can make it. I never detect a semblance of prose in your works!
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 23 09, 14:54

Hi Mary,

Love this! Your matter-of-fact voice in this works very well and the topic is certainly one to catch an eye.

Let's see...

An index of catastrophes could wrap around the block.
You're jobless, and the bill collector's calling. (Don’t really need this comma here preceding the word ‘and’)
Politisquabbles dominate the news at 6 o'clock. Luv it!
Relax, the sky is probably not falling.
Got me interested in reading more!

The pundits paint a bleak scenario. Predictions seem Nice alliteration here!
convincing in their repetitious drumming, (don’t really need this comma here preceding the word ‘but’)
but to the watchers waking from a bad collective dream,
one thing alone is certain: Change is coming.

More likely what we're feeling is a planetary jerk
produced by waves of panic. But, believe it
or not, a proven principle is steadily at work:
The world's as good or bad as you perceive it.

So when you're pecking for a meal on ground that's parched and hard, (don’t really need this comma here preceding the word ‘and’)
and hear the sound of thunderclouds advancing,
take heart. Don't blindly string along with chickens from the yard
to hunker in the coop. Look up! Start dancing!
I really like the message in this stanza!

Perhaps the slurpy spectacle as optimists cavort
in mud could set a brighter course. Thank heaven
our future's not determined by the 6 o'clock report.
"America's Got Talent" airs at seven.

Ha! Enjoyed this one.
~Cleo

Posted by: merle Nov 23 09, 16:29

Hi Mary -

Yes! In this version I can see hope at the end of the tunnel, not the train. Love it!

Posted by: Thoth Nov 23 09, 20:36

Mary,

I've been watching this this one with interest. An ambitious experiment or metric challenge?

Superbly tackled my dear, congratulations and admirations!

Hugz & X X X 's 4u our metric maiden.

Wally

Posted by: Mary Boren Nov 24 09, 15:40

Beaucoup merci, Mr. Dittier. You sure do write nice critiques!

Thanks much for looking in on this, Lori -- I know how little time your admin duties leave you for commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. And you've done me a service in sending me off to consult my grammar, where I learned that these are called serial commas. (optional)

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

Thanks again for the nudge, Merle. Ha! Best to be wary of those lights at the end of the tunnel, huh?

You've got me pegged, Wally -- a shameless meter freak. Takes one to know one. Thanks for watching with interest.

Mary