POSTCARD FROM LESVOS, Wizard & Member Choice ~ GARDEN OF THE SEA Options

[Cybele]

Member Choice Award Winner

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs


*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs




POSTCARD FROM LESVOS

GARDEN OF THE SEA

Margarita tends flowers
spilling profusely
from freshly painted
sky-blue boxes
overhanging the beach.

Parasitic pots,
buckets and shells drip
blood-red geraniums
down the lime-washed
boles of Almirikia trees.

Roses toss golden heads
on a scintilla of a breeze;
as a lace-edged, turquoise sea
is busy, busy, polishing
jewel- bright stones.

***

At dusk,
strings of sapphire lights
will wink above
white marble tables
as the last crimson rays
lovingly caress
Margarita's
'Garden of the Sea.'

(All rights reserved byGrace Galton as an unpublished work)

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Sep 16 06, 11:22

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

A lovely photograph which complements your wonderful poem so well. You have such a profusion of colour in this poem.

GARDEN OF THE SEA

Margarita tends flowers
which spill profusely
from fresh-{ }painted,
sky blue boxes ...should sky-blue be hyphenated?
overhanging the beach.

Parasitic pots, ..good alliteration
buckets and shells spill
blood-red geraniums ..lovely description
down the lime-washed
boles of Almirikia trees.

Roses, toss golden heads,
on a scintilla of a breeze{,}[;]
{as a} lace-edged, turquoise sea
is busy, busy, polishing
jewel-{ }bright stones.

***

At dusk,
strings of sapphire lights
{will} wink above
white marble tables
as the last crimson rays
lovingly caress
Margarita's

Garden of the Sea. ..should there be a line break here? Lovely image of the sunlight fading from the flowers

Thanks for sharing this, I very much enjoyed the postcard.

Nina

[Cybele]

Hello Nina,

A lovely photograph which complements your wonderful poem so well. You have such a profusion of colour in this poem.

GARDEN OF THE SEA

Margarita tends flowers
which spill profusely
from fresh-{ }painted,
sky blue boxes ...should sky-blue be hyphenated?
overhanging the beach.

I don't think sky blue is hyphenated Nina. So many colours are prefixed by a comparison but I am sure they are not all hyphenated. Having said that I do believe blood-red is!

Parasitic pots, ..good alliteration
buckets and shells spill
blood-red geraniums ..lovely description
down the lime-washed
boles of Almirikia trees.

Thanks Nina.

Roses, toss golden heads,
on a scintilla of a breeze{,}[;]
{as a} lace-edged, turquoise sea
is busy, busy, polishing
jewel-{ }bright stones.

Okey doke will change to semi colon.

***

At dusk,
strings of sapphire lights
{will} wink above
white marble tables
as the last crimson rays
lovingly caress
Margarita's

Garden of the Sea. ..

should there be a line break here? Lovely image of the sunlight fading from the flowers

I have used 'will' wink Nina because I know that is what will happen. I haven't yet seen the effect (first visit at the taverna) but I can see the strings of blue light bulbs overhead under the awning.

'Garden of the Sea' was what Margarita called it when I told her how beautiful I thought it was. I thought it deserved special recognition with a line break, but perhaps not?

On each table, every day were bowls with roses, bougainvillea, mint and citronella sprigs. She gave me a sprig of cotronella which I used as a book mark. Lemon is my favourite scent, and I could have died of pleasure!

Thanks for sharing this, I very much enjoyed the postcard.

I am so glad you enjoyed it Nina. Didn't think I was ever going to get back to writing poetry!

[Peterpan]

Hello Grace!

Travel is a wonderful past-time? I loved travelling with you! Thank you for sharing the postcard!

One little, little point I noticed was that you used the word 'spill' twice.

Other than that Nina has given you very sound suggestions.

Well done!

Bev

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Hi Grace,

I loved the imagery in this poem. Even more so than the lovely graphic. Made me wish I were there. I only had a couple of suggestions to take or leave as you wish.

Margarita tends flowers
which bloom profusely
in freshly painted,
sky blue boxes
overhanging the beach.

Profusely seemed a harsh word for such a gentle scene. Perhaps you might substitute abundantly.

Score one for Nina! ~~~ I checked my WordWeb and sky-blue is hyphenated.

'Garden of the Sea' was what Margarita called it when I told her how beautiful I thought it was. I thought it deserved special recognition with a line break, but perhaps not?

That seems sort of a toss up but I did find it a little distracting and almost missed it. I don't know if it is proper or not but could it be placed in the last line with quote marks around it?

[Cybele]

Hi Jackie,

I loved the imagery in this poem. Even more so than the lovely graphic. Made me wish I were there.

Thank you

I only had a couple of suggestions to take or leave as you wish.

Fire away

Profusely seemed a harsh word for such a gentle scene. Perhaps you might substitute abundantly.

I did consider 'abundantly' Bev, but I thought that profusely was the nicer of the two words. Abundantly seems a little more of a contrived word to me.

Score one for Nina! ~~~ I checked my WordWeb and sky-blue is hyphenated

.

OKAY OKAY ALREADY! I surrender Just dashing off to insert the dash.

That seems sort of a toss up but I did find it a little distracting and almost missed it. I don't know if it is proper or not but could it be placed in the last line with quote marks around it?

Sounds good to me Bev. After all it was a quote from Margarita, so why not quote marks. Good thinking Batman!

Glad you enjoyed it Bev and thank you for the constructive crit.

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

Hello again Grace!

What a perfectly invisioned and well constructed poem you have here. It`s been awhile since we talked, and I`m not sure if you remember me, but you were the one that brought me to MM so long ago and then I disappeared. Sorry to have done that without explanation, but sometimes life takes some rather unexpected twists and turns.

This critiquing thing is still rather difficult for me, but the better the poem, the easier it seems to be, and that is especially a compliment in the case of your poem before me. I`m just not one to go out on a limb and try to re-write someone elses hard work. Anyway, I will try and say a couple of things, just for the record.

Foremost, I don`t see any particular travesty in hyphenating, "sky-blue." Good writers have always manufactured words to suit their personal taste and language needs to communicate. I believe it totally depends on whether the writer wants the coupled word to be pronounced on the downbeat as one word or seperated as two distinct words. I ran into problems with one of my poems that had an unusual number of hyphenated words. So many people did not hear the same stresses and breaks as me. What I found that helps is to read a poem many times over very slowly and deliberately, as if reading it for the first time, before making any editorial decisions.

"Blood-red, lace-edged, jewel-bright," are all terrifically realized images. Once in awhile, I`ve had to draw the line with my own creative combinations. Once, I used, "stone-aching," in a poem, and although it made perfect sense to me, no one else seemed to get it, so I did end up scratching it.

I would insert a comma at the end of the line, "white marble tables." I believe someone might have already mentioned that. This is a minor suggestion, but after many readings, I kept wanting to hear, "Garden by the sea." I`m probably gonna get murdered by someone in here for that suggestion....lol...but sometimes, I even hear it as, "Little garden by the sea." Again, your imigary is intoxicatingly beautiful. As always, you do very, very good work. Take care and I look forward to any future postings.

Always,

Keith

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Hi Grace,

Hi Bev,
QUOTE
I loved the imagery in this poem. Even more so than the lovely graphic. Made me wish I were there.

I don't know who Bev is but she's probably wondering when she wrote this. Don't worry, you're the second one today to confuse me with someone else.

I did consider 'abundantly' Bev, but I thought that profusely was the nicer of the two words. Abundantly seems a little more of a contrived word to me.

I thought about that as well. There's always 'copiously'. **giggle, snort, snort**

OKAY OKAY ALREADY! I surrender

Well, at least you're a good sport about it. You would have thought I would know that having been an art teacher but I had to look it up to be sure.

After all it was a quote from Margarita, so why not quote marks. Good thinking Batman!

Good point there! Can't give me all the credit... I usually have Robin writing up all my crib sheets.

~~~~~~ JACKIE

[Cybele]

Hi Keith,

Of course I remember you. I asked the origin of 'Ghost of Tom Joad,' like an idiot, when Steinbeck is my favourite American author and I had read the Grapes of Wrath at least three times!

I know that critiquing is very daunting at first but we can only offer opinions on what we read and how we receive it. Don't ever worry about speaking your mind. Without critiquing we would never grow and learn. To me a poem is never considered finished.

I know that when I post one I am going to get the best advice from my contempories, people who love poetry and wish to learn from each other, so the more people who wish to offer such advice the better!

Your comment about the comma noted, thank you. I have a whole drawer full of commas and semi-colons that have been missed out. Just waiting for someone like you to come along and tell me I could use one!

Now as to 'Garden of the Sea.' I admit it sounds a little strange to our ears Keith, but Margarita is Greek and those were her very words when I so admired her flowers. It is a little off beat to our English ears, but I find it enchanting. It is the way she views it, and I wrote this for her especially.

Lovely to see you here again.

I am afraid I am always popping in and out these days.

Since I have been on my own I have developed wanderlust. There are so many places I long to see and new friends I have yet to meet.

[Cybele]

Hi Bev,

Travel is a wonderful past-time? I loved travelling with you! Thank you for sharing the postcard!

One little, little point I noticed was that you used the word 'spill' twice.

Other than that Nina has given you very sound suggestions.

Well done!

Bev

Forgive me my dear. I did answer this and you will notice that I made the excellent correction you suggested.

After that things started slipping away from me. I obviously didn't hit the 'ADD REPLY' button and my words disappeared into the internet ether.

To add insult to injury I Then addressed a reply to Jackie with your name


Well, I have just come back from a month in the Greek Islands and I am afraid I didn't just leave my heart there, but also what few mental faculties I have left.

Profuse, abundant and copious apologies to you and Jackie.

(Oh, and thank you for reading and enjoying, Bev.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Grace

I don't think I have any suggestions to add but just wanted to drop by and say thanks for sharing your postcard; enjoyed it so much.

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace,

I see you're swamped by critters! Brill!

My only suggestion (which may already have been made, sorry) is that you could tighted:

Margarita tends flowers
which spill profusely

e.g. "spilling," rather than "which spill" - but it also implies more tweaking after, so you may prefer not to so do.

Thanks for the read and the photograph.

J.

[Peterpan]

Hello Grace~

Sometimes when there are lots of replies to make it is confusing. I realised you had got confused! I am sure Jackie saw that too.

The revision is good.

Bev/Peterpan

[Cybele]

Hello James,

My only suggestion (which may already have been made, sorry) is that you could tighted:

Margarita tends flowers
which spill profusely

"spilling," rather than "which spill"

I like thise suggesting very much James. It makes the poem 'of the moment'. Thank you.

[Cybele]

Hello again Bev,

Sometimes when there are lots of replies to make it is confusing. I realised you had got confused!

Thank you. That's my normal state Bev. Ask anyone here!

The revision is good.

Thank you. More revision just undertaken with James's help.

[Cybele]

Hi Fran,

I don't think I have any suggestions to add but just wanted to drop by and say thanks for sharing your postcard; enjoyed it so much.

Well, thank you for enjoying it so nicely!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Grace.

What a lovely image! It's so good to read another 'postcard poem' of yours! Thanks again for your lovely postcard from Greece ~ it has a prominent place on the frig and I wish I were there!

I enjoyed every line in your poem and so I only am here to offer some punctuation adjustments.

HUGS
~Cleo

{-}

Margarita tends flowers
spilling profusely
from freshly painted{,}
sky-blue boxes
overhanging the beach.

Parasitic pots,
buckets and shells drip
blood-red geraniums
down the lime-washed
boles of Almirikia trees. <--- (an interesting description that adds visual appeal - does the red blend with the white and make a pink tone?)

Roses{,} toss golden heads{,}
on a scintilla of a breeze;
as a lace-edged, turquoise sea
is busy, busy, polishing
jewel- bright stones. <--- (delete the space before 'bright'. I love this image!)

***

At dusk,
strings of sapphire lights
will wink above
white marble tables
as the last crimson rays
lovingly caress
Margarita's
'Garden of the Sea.'
(lovely ending)!

[Cybele]

Hi Lori,

I am glad you enjoyed this one. You certainly would have relaxed in the sun (or shade) or Maragarita's.

Parasitic pots,
buckets and shells drip
blood-red geraniums
down the lime-washed
boles of Almirikia trees. <--- (an interesting description that adds visual appeal - does the red blend with the white and make a pink tone?)

You can see a picture of this on the blog site below, Lori.

http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Punctuation noted, thank you scuttling off to correct it!

[Arnfinn]

Hi Cob,

Your poem runs true to form with the postcard picture.

' as a lace-edged, turquoise sea
is busy, busy, polishing
jewel- bright stones.'

The above lines are identified very easily in your Lesvosian scene. Your scintilling busy, busy, sea, her hemline washing over the beach polishing stones is first rate.


At dusk,
strings of sapphire lights
will wink above
white marble tables
as the last crimson rays
lovingly caress
Margarita's
'Garden of the Sea.'



This struck me as another fine piece of imagery, Grace. ' Sapphire lights winking above white marble tables.' Seems to be the sort of place to settle into and enjoy a pleasant evening, perhaps some seafood and a couple of the local ales, then gaze out at the sea and let the alcohol set the mood.

Regards,

YPFDU,

John

[Cybele]

G'day Arn,

Your poem runs true to form with the postcard picture.

' as a lace-edged, turquoise sea
is busy, busy, polishing
jewel- bright stones.'

The above lines are identified very easily in your Lesvosian scene. Your scintilling busy, busy, sea, her hemline washing over the beach polishing stones is first rate.

Good onyer John!

At dusk,
strings of sapphire lights
will wink above
white marble tables
as the last crimson rays
lovingly caress
Margarita's
'Garden of the Sea.'


This struck me as another fine piece of imagery, Grace. ' Sapphire lights winking above white marble tables.' Seems to be the sort of place to settle into and enjoy a pleasant evening, perhaps some seafood and a couple of the local ales, then gaze out at the sea and let the alcohol set the mood.

Too true, blue! It was a little slice of heaven! Glad ya could see your way there to sit under the twinkly blue lights John!