Not alive again ** Revision Options

[greenwich]

Revision

I feel life's roller blades buckling in the concrete.
I've been told I have to work till 75,
as ever I try to tell myself
I am somewhere else.
The past is a kinder place,
presently I'm in San Francisco 1971
talking to an old timer
about the Fillmore Auditorium ,
he got his priorities right
about building better bridges.


Perhaps I am heading towards
being a dual person,
a hippie with long blonde hair
already thirty two.
A proud Mustang owner
driving through the canyons,
listening on an 8 track player
to "Its a Beautiful Day"
with David LaFlamme's fine fiddle,
to join the Orange camp fire gathering,
to meet my truly intended
by the name of Caroline.
We will wed in 1973
and bear a daughter called Celeste.

Oh to be celestially somewhere else
where I have willingly passed before
yet content for no rebirth.


ORIGINAL

I feel lives roller blades buckling in the concrete.
I've been told I have to work till 75,
as ever I try to tell myself
I am somewhere else.
The past is a kinder place,
presently I'm in San Francisco 1971
talking to a survivor of the quake,
and he got his priorities right
about surviving at any cost.
Perhaps I am heading towards
being a dual person,
a hippie with long blonde hair
already thirty two.
A proud Mustang owner
driving through the canyons,
listening on a 8 track player
to "Its a Beautiful Day"
with David LaFlamme's fine fiddle,
to join the Orange camp fire gathering,
to meet my truly intended
by the name of Caroline.
We will wed in 1973
and bear a daughter called Celeste.
Oh to be celestially somewhere else
where I have willingly passed before
yet content for no current rebirth.

[Psyche]

Hi Antony,
Nice. I like this. Well expressed and brings back memories of days gone by. You're reliving some of the past...a kinder place. We do tend to think that. I do, but only in bits and pieces. Been thru' rough times.
Just some tiny nits or questions below.

I feel lives roller blades buckling in the concrete.<<<<<shouldn't it be 'life's roller blades'? 'lives' would refer to other lives as well as your own. Maybe I don't get your meaning.

I've been told I have to work till 75,
as ever I try to tell myself
I am somewhere else. <<<<<<I would too!! Good lines.

The past is a kinder place,
presently I'm in San Francisco 1971
talking to a survivor of the quake, <<<<that doesn't sound like a kinder place! Unless you were never there, just imagining somebody who was. That quake was terrible.

and he got his priorities right
about surviving at any cost.

Perhaps I am heading towards <<<<<How about starting another stanza here?
being a dual person,
a hippie with long blonde hair
already thirty two. <<<<LOL. Where I live, there are hippie's already over 50+. With long gray hair.
A proud Mustang owner <<<<I remember people saying they were coming over in their Mustang. It always annoyed me. They were certainly proud!
driving through the canyons,
listening on a 8 track player<<<<<<I think it should be 'an'.
to "Its a Beautiful Day"
with David LaFlamme's fine fiddle,
to join the Orange camp fire gathering,
to meet my truly intended
by the name of Caroline.<<<<<<Lovely!
We will wed in 1973
and bear a daughter called Celeste. <<<<<Great!

Oh to be celestially somewhere else<<<<<Line break to make the ending more powerful.
where I have willingly passed before
yet content for no current rebirth. <<<<<I think that should be re-phrased. I understand it to mean that you're content not to rebirth again. But 'current' confuses me, as to whether you're content to stay in the present, or content that you won't rebirth and have another life in the future. Many believe in that.

I really like these reminiscences, deftly expressed in your poem. It's rather long to be in one strophe. A little spacing would give your readers a breath to better grasp your meaning. Just sayin'...
Syl

[greenwich]

A big thanks Sly for your interest. A suggested change


"talking to an old timer
about Fillmore Auditorium ,
he got his priorities right
about building bridges".

[Critter]

Revision
I like this content. It seems just a bit fragmented to me, not sure I can help with that.
I feel life's roller blades buckling in the concrete. good image, one feels this
I've been told I have to work till 75, not sure you need the 'been told' part.
as ever I try to tell myself
I am somewhere else.
The past is a kinder place,
presently I'm in San Francisco 1971
maybe try to condense something like
The past is kinder
like San Francisco 1971...
talking to an old timer
about the Fillmore Auditorium ,
he got his priorities right
about building better bridges. I like this line

OK here I suggested word pruning ...take or toss
Perhaps I am heading towards
being a dual person,
a hippie with long blonde hair
already thirty two.
A proud Mustang owner
driving through the canyons,
listening on an 8 track player
to "Its a Beautiful Day"
with David LaFlamme's fine fiddle,
to join the Orange camp fire gathering,
to meet my truly intended
by the name of Caroline.
We will wed in 1973
and bear a daughter called Celeste.

Oh to be celestially somewhere else
where I have willingly passed before
yet content for no rebirth. Interesting finish


ORIGINAL

I feel lives roller blades buckling in the concrete.
I've been told I have to work till 75,
as ever I try to tell myself
I am somewhere else.
The past is a kinder place,
presently I'm in San Francisco 1971
talking to a survivor of the quake,
and he got his priorities right
about surviving at any cost.
Perhaps I am heading towards
being a dual person,
a hippie with long blonde hair
already thirty two.
A proud Mustang owner
driving through the canyons,
listening on a 8 track player
to "Its a Beautiful Day"
with David LaFlamme's fine fiddle,
to join the Orange camp fire gathering,
to meet my truly intended
by the name of Caroline.
We will wed in 1973
and bear a daughter called Celeste.
Oh to be celestially somewhere else
where I have willingly passed before
yet content for no current rebirth.

[Psyche]

Yes, that's OK, except that I think it's a pity that the earthquake has disappeared in the revision. It was a big event.
Perhaps you could fit it in as an exception to the past being a kinder place.
Still, I like your rev. Will take a better look now.
Syl

A big thanks Sly for your interest. A suggested change


"talking to an old timer
about Fillmore Auditorium ,
he got his priorities right
about building bridges".

[Psyche]

Revision

I feel life's roller blades buckling in the concrete.
I've been told I have to work till 75,
as ever I try to tell myself
I am somewhere else.
The past is a kinder place,
presently I'm in San Francisco 1971
talking to an old timer
about the Fillmore Auditorium ,
he got his priorities right
about building better bridges.

Don't know, but I suppose he refers to the bridges that collapsed during the quake. Perhaps this is where you could add a line about that event. Did the Fillmore Auditorium also crash? Otherwise it could be understood that 'building better bridges' is a metaphor about, say, relationships or work. Just sayin'...I don't know the details about the quake, glad I wasn't there! Love San Francisco all the same.

Perhaps I am heading towards
being a dual person,
a hippie with long blonde hair
already thirty two.
A proud Mustang owner
driving through the canyons,
listening on an 8 track player
to "Its a Beautiful Day"
with David LaFlamme's fine fiddle,
to join the Orange camp fire gathering,
to meet my truly intended
by the name of Caroline.
We will wed in 1973
and bear a daughter called Celeste.

Oh to be celestially somewhere else
where I have willingly passed before
yet content for no rebirth.

Good poem. Original and it transmits feelings, lets the reader wander off into the past in various ways.
I like the 'no rebirth' bit. I have my doubts about rebirthing...only if I'm allowed to chose!!
Syl

ORIGINAL

I feel lives roller blades buckling in the concrete.
I've been told I have to work till 75,
as ever I try to tell myself
I am somewhere else.
The past is a kinder place,
presently I'm in San Francisco 1971
talking to a survivor of the quake,
and he got his priorities right
about surviving at any cost.
Perhaps I am heading towards
being a dual person,
a hippie with long blonde hair
already thirty two.
A proud Mustang owner
driving through the canyons,
listening on a 8 track player
to "Its a Beautiful Day"
with David LaFlamme's fine fiddle,
to join the Orange camp fire gathering,
to meet my truly intended
by the name of Caroline.
We will wed in 1973
and bear a daughter called Celeste.
Oh to be celestially somewhere else
where I have willingly passed before
yet content for no current rebirth.

[greenwich]

No quake reference in the revision. Building better bridges refers to a music community being formed, open to all. Thanks for the reviews.