And Then There Were Four*** Options

[Luce]

And Then There Were Four - Revision II

Ducks peck at the mums.
Are they good to eat?
How fat they are filled
with Goldfish snacks.

I wish they were gone.
I dislike their quacks
and the stony stares for food.
They walk by my lawn.

My walkway is stained
with their arrogance
and yet I do a daily count
of those that remain:
Lucy, Spike, Adonis and Flare.

Ten were born last fall their tweets soft as moss.
They swam in the pond, serene as Buddha.
Now there are four.

The ducks have come back
their begging rounds done.
They waddle home stuffed
with fast food crumbs.



Note: According to Wikipedia, ducks normally give birth once a year (usually in spring/summer).
Obviously the mama duck, who gave birth to this brood last September, didn't get the memo.

*******************************************************************************

And Then There Were Four - Revision

Ducks peck at the mums.
Are they good to eat?
How fat they are filled
with Goldfish snacks.

I wish they were gone.
I dislike their quacks
and the stony stares for food.
They walk passed my lawn.

My walkway is stained
with their arrogance
and yet I do a daily count
of those that remain:
Lucy, Spike, Adonis and Flare.

10 were born last fall their tweets soft as moss.
They swam in the pond, serene as Buddha.
Now there are four.

The ducks have come back
their begging rounds done.
They waddle home stuffed
with fast food crumbs.



Note: According to Wikipedia, ducks normally give birth once a year (usually in spring/summer).
Obviously the mama duck, who gave birth to this brood last September, didn't get the memo.


********************************************************************************

And Then There Were Four - Original

Ducks peck at the mums.
Are they good to eat?
How fat they are filled
with Goldfish snacks.

I wish they were gone.
I don’t like their quacks
nor their stony stares for food.
They walk pass my lawn.

My walkway is stained
with their arrogance
and yet I do a daily count
of those that remain:
Lucy, Spike, Adonis and Flare.

10 were born last fall their tweets soft as moss.
They swam in the pond, serene as Buddha
Now there’re four.

The ducks have come back
their begging rounds done.
They waddle home stuffed
with fast food crumbs.



Note: According to Wikipedia, ducks normally give birth once a year (usually in spring/summer).
Obviously the mama duck, who gave birth to this brood last September, didn't get the memo.

[Psyche]

Hello Luce! I've been studying your poem and find it enjoyable. As I don't live in an English speaking country, some words stump me, sorry. So I'll just ask you.

And Then There Were Four

Ducks peck at the mums.<<<<<<Sounded strange, then I looked up 'mums' and found that it can be short for chrysanthemums. Is that what you mean?

Are they good to eat? <<<<<I should think not...LOL...but I'm not a duck.
How fat they are filled
with Goldfish snacks. <<<<<Where do they get these snacks? Is there a pond in the garden? Or do they eat the goldfish?


I wish they were gone.
I don’t like their quacks
nor their stony stares for food.
They walk pass my lawn. <<<<< I think you mean 'past'?

I agree with you! Where I live we also have migrating flocks that stay around in warm weather to breed. They squawk in early dawn. Have to put my head under my pillow!

My walkway is stained
with their arrogance <<<<< Good one! I suppose they poop there?

and yet I do a daily count
of those that remain:
Lucy, Spike, Adonis and Flare.

A love-hate relationship with the ducks? They have names... On our farm, I used to give names to our chickens
And why do they die? Or do they migrate?


10 were born last fall their tweets soft as moss.<<<<<Love this.
They swam in the pond, serene as Buddha <<<<<Period after Buddha. Nice.
Now there’re four.<<<<<<they're or there are, I think. Do cats or dogs kill them?

The ducks have come back
their begging rounds done.
They waddle home stuffed
with fast food crumbs.

Engaging and fun poem. My only nit is that the sequence of your stanzas is a bit confusing. So your ducks waddle into other areas, getting fat by begging...LOL...
Tx for your Wikipedia note!
Psyche



Note: According to Wikipedia, ducks normally give birth once a year (usually in spring/summer).
Obviously the mama duck, who gave birth to this brood last September, didn't get the memo.

[Luce]

Hi Psyche,

Thanks for responding to this piece. I'm glad you liked it. Let me try to answer your questions.

And Then There Were Four

Ducks peck at the mums.<<<<<<Sounded strange, then I looked up 'mums'
and found that it can be short for chrysanthemums. Is that what you mean?

YES. Mums are short for chrysanthemums.

Are they good to eat? <<<<<I should think not...LOL...but I'm not a duck.
How fat they are filled
with Goldfish snacks. <<<<<Where do they get these snacks? Is there a pond in the garden? Or do they eat the goldfish?

I was worried about using this reference. Goldfish snacks are little crackers
shaped like fish. My neighbor feeds the ducks with Goldfish crackers for some reason.

I wish they were gone.
I don't like their quacks
and their stony stares for food.
They walk pass my lawn. <<<<< I think you mean 'past'?
I agree with you! Where I live we also have migrating flocks that stay around in warm weather to
breed. They squawk in early dawn. Have to put my head under my pillow!

Passed is generally used to indicate distance. Past is generally used for time.
In the end, I think I should of used "passed" rather than "pass". Thanks for pointing that out.

My walkway is stained
with their arrogance <<<<< Good one! I suppose they poop there?

Oh boy, do they poop.

and yet I do a daily count
of those that remain:
Lucy, Spike, Adonis and Flare.

A love-hate relationship with the ducks? They have names... On our farm, I used to give names to our chickens
And why do they die? Or do they migrate?

Some get taken by predators & others by cars. Some may migrate. Who knows?
Mainly their fates are unknown unless we find their little bodies. I live in a garden apartment complex
in the suburbs so cars, outdoor cats, predatory birds (hawks) and snakes are everywhere.

10 were born last fall their tweets soft as moss.<<<<<Love this.
They swam in the pond, serene as Buddha <<<<<Period after Buddha. Nice.
Now there’re four.<<<<<<they're or there are, I think. Do cats or dogs kill them?

I'm glad you liked the imagery. Thanks for catching the period after Buddha
and I think I'll use your suggestion and spell out "there are" instead of using the contraction.

I'm pretty sure the neighbor cats (we have a real hunter in the complex) get lucky
and get one or two ducklings. Mama duck can only do so much. Poor thing.

But, now the ducks are pretty big and they stay close together so they're not easy pickings anymore.

The ducks have come back
their begging rounds done.
They waddle home stuffed
with fast food crumbs.

Engaging and fun poem. My only nit is that the sequence of your stanzas
is a bit confusing. So your ducks waddle into other areas, getting fat by begging...LOL...
Tx for your Wikipedia note!
Psyche

Yes, the ducks go from one lawn to the other for handouts. They live by the pond on the other side
of the complex. and do what ducks do - eat bugs, etc. But, folks have spoiled them by feeding them.
And so once a day around dusk they do their parade

Note: According to Wikipedia, ducks normally give birth once a year (usually in spring/summer).
Obviously this mama duck, who gave birth to this brood last September, didn't get the memo.[/quote]
[/quote]

I'll be posting a revision, after I write this post, just to correct a few things. I'll be changing some minor
wording while I'm at it. Again, thanks for the feedback Psyche.

[Luce]

Errr... How can I change the topic title section? I just want to add "Revision" to
the title.

Luce

[Psyche]

Hi Luce!

Some members don't insert 'Revision' where the title goes. But you'll see that there's space underneath the title. Just click and add. Then people are more likely to pop in!

Great revision, but now I think there's a problem with 'they walk passed my lawn' . Maybe there's a redundency there, or a contradiction. Hope some other poet pops in with a suggestion.

You made me laugh with your answers to my questions, tx!

Psyche

[Psyche]

Sorry, Luce, I forgot to mention that you have to click on Edit at the bottom of your poem, to be able to add something to the title, or even change it.

Bye!

[danimik]

Very little to add

I love the simplicity of the language and the openness of some of the images. Goldfish snacks works as well for crackers as it does for fish, both being appropriate for birds whose sole purpose other than breeding seems to be feeding.

My only worry is the word 'quacks' which feels childish in what is, for me, a relatively sophisticated comment about the relationship of human with duck. Otherwise, why not just say 'poops?' (Don't, because 'stained with their arrogance' is such a complete phrase, so perfectly tuned to the duck's stare.)

Super piece.

Mike

[K.S. Lenk]

What is enjoyable about this piece, is the grumbling yet softened narrator.
These blooming ducks that make a mess and quack, yet the daily routine would be missed if they stopped coming by one day.
It is observation, tolerance, silent approval and secret amusement.

'....their tweets soft as moss' .... deep down there's love there :)

[Eisa]

Hi there,

I love this one (I love ducks!) I read it last night but had no time to comment and now you have revised.

I love the use of 'mums'. Our garden centre always calls them that.

Perhaps 'They walk by my lawn' ?

My walkway is stained
with their arrogance

Love that. I remember letting some ducks into our holiday cottage garden - what a mess! LOL!

10 were born last fall their tweets soft as moss.


I would write 10 in letters - ten

I really enjoyed the read

Eira

[Luce]

Thanks Psyche, Danimik, K.S. Lenk & Eisa, for the feedback.

Psyche - Thanks for coming back to this one again. Yes, I agree that L8 is still
problematic. But, I think Eisa's suggestion to write "They walk by my lawn" may
be the answer. Thanks Eisa.

Danimik - Yes, saying "quacks" bothered me too and for the same reason -
it's a bit childish in tone. I'm wondering if I can use "scat" instead? The
dictionary just defines it as animal droppings but I usually just hear
and see it referenced to four legged & fur coated mammals (bears, wolves,
foxes, etc.). I don't know if it could be used for birds. Another option is using
"honks" instead of "quacks". But, unfortunately honks are mainly associated with
geese and not ducks even though ducks do occasionally honk. Right now,
I can't think of a good alternative so "quacks" stays unless I have a breakthrough
of some kind.

K.S. Lenk - You're right, I do like the ducks. But, knowing how cruel nature
and humankind are, I try not to get too attached to them.

Eisa - Thanks for the great suggestions and I forgot that numbers under ten
should be spelled out.

Thanks to all. Your suggestions and feedback have enhanced the poem in the form
it was meant to be.

This is proof that it takes a village of poets to create a better poem.

Revision 3 coming up.

Cheers

Luce

[danimik]

I'd probably settle on 'calls' or 'calling' rather than 'quacks.' And some ducks use 'whistle' sounds for some of their calls, but I doubt if this would be an acceptable alternative for most readers. (try listening to teal, for example. RSPB have a wide collection of bird calls. Their teals whistle - so much so that it's a challenge to hear it as a 'quack' at all. Unlike the ubiquitous mallard - probably the originator of the 'quack.')

Mike