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> Word on Word...formly no title, Thanks to Merlin, Liz, Cathy, and Sylvia
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Nov 2 07, 13:34
Post #1





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Revised

Plains of destruction,
panes of glass.
Planes of the airwaves,
pains of the soul.
Rains of the forest,
reigns of the king.

Tunnels of moles,
runnels like rivers,
funnels of clouds.
Tons of conviction,
runs like the wind.
Fun of a circus,
Won by a mile.
Sun bright in the day
one of the reasons.

None of them remain.


Original

Plains of destruction,
panes of glass.
Planes of the airwaves,
pains of the soul.
Rains of the forest,
reigns of the king.
Tunnels of moles,
runnels like rivers,
funnels of clouds.
Tons of conviction,
runs like the wind.
Fun of a circus,
Won by a mile.
Sun bright in the day
one of the reason.
None of them remain.
 
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Merlin
post Nov 2 07, 18:26
Post #2


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Isn't the English language fun, Steve?
It's almost like tearing a teabag open and putting the contents in your steaming cup, then being told that you don't do that - just drop the bag in. You take a package of sugar, drop it into your cup and are told not to do that - just tear it open and put the contents in.

Does the reign end when the king dyes and his heir is red faced?

This is really not one easily critiqued, at least not por moi.

Merlin


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AMETHYST
post Nov 2 07, 19:16
Post #3


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Hi Steve,

There is something very intriguing about this poem. The way things evolve into another, and as often we find in life, things of negative effect are often swept beneath some small joyous moment or view and that negative heaviness is lifted.

I thought you did a marvelous job in running the lines bouncing them from one meaning to another, making great use of 'words' ... Although this leads toward the pull and draw of positive/negative, I also think it brings to my mind how 'words' hold such power. Perhaps you might want to grow from there while thinking of a title.

I would have liked to see some more linking to each change up line... such as you did with rains/reigns ... you can see a connection from one to the other... and that could be strengthen through out.

Some thoughts of inline suggestions and thumbs up...

Again, please use what helps and discard the rest - I can say I enjoyed this and how it made me contemplate the associations between each vision...

Hugs, Liz



QUOTE
Plains of destruction,
panes of glass.
Planes of the airwaves,
pains of the soul.



These first 4 lines are a perfect point to make an example of what I mean by associating them and making a clearer, more connective link to their difference and their simularity.

I would suggest opening with Planes of the air (to give an immediate view) which then can be connect to panes of "shattered glass' to give perhaps a deeper intensity of war maybe ... to bring in at this point 'plains of destruction, claim
pains of the soul.

I also wasn't too crazy about 'of' in each ... but I think perhaps you have an unseen method behind that and I will wait till it finds me! :)

So a suggested rewrite for the first few lines might be ...

Planes in the air;
panes of shattered glass, now
plains of destruction, that bring
pains of the soul.


QUOTE
Rains of the forest,
reigns of the king.
Tunnels of moles,
runnels like rivers,


To emphasize the vastness of rains/forest I would suggest -

Rainforest under drought ...
reigns of the king, like
tunnels of moles rushing like
runnels into a river.

Of course these aren't strong and they are much different than your meter chosen, but I offer them up as an example of what I mean.

QUOTE
funnels of clouds.
Tons of conviction,
runs like the wind.
Fun of a circus,
Won by a mile.
Sun bright in the day
one of the reason.
None of them remain.


Perhaps 'runs as the wind.


What I liked most was the lead from the sounds of every word into the next, reshaping the meaning and image. It reminded me of and took an essence of watching clouds shapes... and watching them change before your eyes... Lovely work!


Best Wishes, Liz


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Guest_Cathy_*
post Nov 3 07, 09:24
Post #4





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Hi Steve,

Your words carry a broad spectrum of thought and possibility as to intent. This could be interpreted in many ways depending on the reader. Personally, I see it as the stress-related destruction of a life... not necessarily ending in death but the total lack of mental or emotional capability to function. I noticed that you've used end stops but you don't have complete sentences. Maybe a semi-colon or elipsis would better serve for a pause? I like the connection of 'plains' - 'planes', 'panes' - 'pains', 'rains' - 'reigns'. I wonder if that could be carried throughout the entire poem? Probably not... lol. Maybe that should be set apart as a separate stanza from the rest of the poem. I think the last line could be separate as well to give it more emphasis. Should 'runs' in line 11 be 'run'? Tons of conviction run like the wind...

As for a title... I have no idea at this point but I'm thinking on it! I shall return if I come up with something.

Hugs,
Cathy

Plains of destruction,
panes of glass.
Planes of the airwaves,
pains of the soul.
Rains of the forest,
reigns of the king.

Tunnels of moles,
runnels like rivers,
funnels of clouds.
Tons of conviction,
runs like the wind.
Fun of a circus,
Won by a mile.
Sun bright in the day
one of the reason.

None of them remain.
 
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Psyche
post Nov 7 07, 16:00
Post #5


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Referred By:David Ting



This is fun, Steve! I see you're becoming a prolific & talented writer. Good play on words here. Difficult to crit, of course.

Suggestions for title: 'Remains of Games'. Or 'Words on Words'. Dunno...



Plains of destruction,
panes of glass.
Planes of the airwaves,
pains of the soul.
Rains of the forest,
reigns of the king.
Tunnels of moles,
runnels like rivers,
funnels of clouds.
Tons of conviction,
runs like the wind. Perhaps 'run' instead of 'runs'.
Fun of a circus,
Won by a mile.
Sun bright in the day
one of the reason. I don't understand 'one of the reason'. Could it be 'reasons'?

None of them remain. How about dropping the last line down a space? For emphasis?

I need to think about this, Steve! Very original.
Best, Sylvia


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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Nov 11 07, 10:39
Post #6





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Thanks for reading Merlin,Liz,Cathy, and Sylvia and thanks for the critique, I was experimenting with different things when this sort of popped into my head... I think I will use your title of word on word Sylvia and revise it a little too..
Steve
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Nov 13 07, 21:32
Post #7


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Referred By:Imhotep



What a very unique poem Steve. Read.gif

I enjoyed the play on words and love the title! claps.gif

I can't think of much to offer, but need to ponder the ending line a bit further. Oh, ok, how about here:
pains of the soul.
Rains of the forest,
reigns of the king.


Can you swap out two of the 'the's? Perhaps Rains of a forest, reigns of one king ?

Cheers
~Cleo


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Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

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Guest_Don_*
post Nov 14 07, 10:57
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I got more out of the comments than your poem.

How about "kaleidoscope" for a title?


Don
 
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heartsong7
post Nov 27 07, 13:02
Post #9


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Referred By:Merlin



OH Steve!
how inventive you are, rhyming the first words and using the same sounds with different spelling and meanings. Intriguing message too.
enjoyed!
Sue


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Forgiveness is the fragrance
the violet sheds
on the heel
that has crushed it.

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Guest_Xanadu_*
post Nov 27 07, 13:46
Post #10





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Enjoyable read. I really do love "list" poems. One can do so much with them. The plays on words were great!! I look forward to see more along this line. Write on!!
 
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