Hi Steve,
There is something very intriguing about this poem. The way things evolve into another, and as often we find in life, things of negative effect are often swept beneath some small joyous moment or view and that negative heaviness is lifted.
I thought you did a marvelous job in running the lines bouncing them from one meaning to another, making great use of 'words' ... Although this leads toward the pull and draw of positive/negative, I also think it brings to my mind how 'words' hold such power. Perhaps you might want to grow from there while thinking of a title.
I would have liked to see some more linking to each change up line... such as you did with rains/reigns ... you can see a connection from one to the other... and that could be strengthen through out.
Some thoughts of inline suggestions and thumbs up...
Again, please use what helps and discard the rest - I can say I enjoyed this and how it made me contemplate the associations between each vision...
Hugs, Liz
QUOTE
Plains of destruction,
panes of glass.
Planes of the airwaves,
pains of the soul.
These first 4 lines are a perfect point to make an example of what I mean by associating them and making a clearer, more connective link to their difference and their simularity.
I would suggest opening with Planes of the air (to give an immediate view) which then can be connect to panes of "shattered glass' to give perhaps a deeper intensity of war maybe ... to bring in at this point 'plains of destruction, claim
pains of the soul.
I also wasn't too crazy about 'of' in each ... but I think perhaps you have an unseen method behind that and I will wait till it finds me! :)
So a suggested rewrite for the first few lines might be ...
Planes in the air;
panes of shattered glass, now
plains of destruction, that bring
pains of the soul.
QUOTE
Rains of the forest,
reigns of the king.
Tunnels of moles,
runnels like rivers,
To emphasize the vastness of rains/forest I would suggest -
Rainforest under drought ...
reigns of the king, like
tunnels of moles rushing like
runnels into a river.
Of course these aren't strong and they are much different than your meter chosen, but I offer them up as an example of what I mean.
QUOTE
funnels of clouds.
Tons of conviction,
runs like the wind.
Fun of a circus,
Won by a mile.
Sun bright in the day
one of the reason.
None of them remain.
Perhaps 'runs as the wind.
What I liked most was the lead from the sounds of every word into the next, reshaping the meaning and image. It reminded me of and took an essence of watching clouds shapes... and watching them change before your eyes... Lovely work!
Best Wishes, Liz