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Posted by: Ali zonak Dec 5 19, 09:55

Knight Tannhauser and Venus (After a legend. All comments and sugestions are welcome.)

Canto I
Narrator:
“Oh noble knight and troubadour
why dost thou through the darkness creep
as though you were a common thief
intending harm on those asleep?”

Knight:
“It is the entrance to a cave I seek,
where I among the naiads whiled
and drank the wine of one so fair;
from her sweet presence I was exiled.

“Venus is the one of whom I speak;
I gladly sank to any depth,
and pledged my very soul to her,
my honor, dignity, life’s breath.

“I now desire to gain her love
once more, melt into arms that blest,
embraced me with her love divine
as wanderer and welcome guest.

“Those tousled locks of flame-red hair,
that skin of alabaster white,
her tempting smile and open arms
enchanted me, the lovelorn knight.

“We loved, but then I wished to see
the human world and hear the flutes
there played by unsoiled shepherd boys,
and eat again sweet earthly fruits—

“but she grew full of wrath and spoke:
“Remorse will gnaw you at each turn,
no love shall cheer you, fickle man;
soon humbled, then you shall return.”

“I dream now of her locks cascading--
oh, memories so slowly creep
through my tormented, spellbound mind!
No peace--except in death or sleep.”
Cantos II
(The knight’s reminiscence)
Venus seduces the Knight Tannhauser

Rest here with me, thou weary knight.
Take off thine armor, sheath thy sword.
Am I a monster thou wouldst smite?
I am but Venus, much adored

by gods and mortal men alike.
Thy songs have well preceded thee;
I heard of thee, O troubadour,
and now at last thou came to me.

If thou hast ever longed for love,
then enter freely this enchanted
cave; nymphs invite thee to gay dance,
All these pleasures shall be granted.

Horned fauns and sibyls dance to tunes
by god Pan himself; hear his pipe?
Come, join us in a madrigal.
Why hesitate? The time is ripe.

O dearest knight, now nears the night,
the night of love that smiles upon
our pleasures. Sweeter than the day
are thou, O night of love! The dawn

must call an end to tenderness,
therefore, do not waste fleeting time
that should be used for sweet caress
and freely given love sublime.

Reach out for me; embrace me now;
Thy passion will become the fire
that sear me. Give me thy kisses!
O night, that fills us with desire.

Canto III
Tannhauser responds to Venus’ Temptation


O Goddess, remove thy garment
of gossamer. Strip down to nothing
so I can see thy nakedness.
Thy weblike gown is coarsest clothing

that only mars thy lovely form;
shall I remove it, Goddess fair?
I long to press my manly chest
against thy godly bosom bare

Purse thy lips, complete our oneness--
allow probing tongues to touch
in deep erotic kisses. We grope--
like vines we twist, now lips on lips. . . .

Canto IV

Narrator:
Oh, noble Knight, unhappy man!
your tale of Venus in her cave
is more than just a wild phantasm
that soon may take thee to thy grave...

but tell me, Sire, what art thou called?
Hast thou no loving wife nor kin
to give thee comfort and new hope?
Have faith, the Lord remits all sin.

Tannhauser:
I am ashamed to speak my name
that once rang true and was well known
throughout this land and far beyond,
I sung before the royal throne.

My name? Tannhauser. Cursed it be!
A maiden once spoke it out loud;
with love it pealed from paling lips--
too soon concealed by death’s dark shroud.

A love I had . . . Elizabeth,
so pure and faithful unto death;
to my forever lasting shame--
for me she took her final breath.


I wandered far through woods and plains,
until I rested at this place
where I now stand to tell my tale
of how I saw that wondrous face--

I met the goddess—nay--temptress
who took my heart and swooning mind,
made me her vassal—nay, her slave,
until her love for me declined.

An all-consuming opiate
she hath become to me; each kiss
hurled me toward hell’s flames, into
the gaping, sneering fiend's abyss.

Alas, the goddess, tired of me,
told me to leave her fair domain,
return to my crude upper world
to never see her face again.

I spoke these words as though they would
bring me relief in my despair.
“Rejoice, oh man! I thank Thee, God!”
Still, how can I forget her hair,

enticing locks, that frame her face?
No hope! I can not deny the charm
she cast upon my mind--the demon
who came to cause me utter harm.

Canto V
Tannhauser Abandons Love

Love was my assailant, the trickster
that had disguised itself as pure;
but now my heart is skewered
by passion that I will not endure;

Shall I give in or fan the flames
that rage through this man’s savage breast?
No! Cupid, take thine erring sting
the arrow; though thou didst thy best—

Thou couldst not hit a wide barn door,
yet, thou didst manage to wound me.
How deep and wide? It will suffice
to leave a mark, thanks to thee.

The moon grows pale, my spirit sighs;
I play my harp with certitude,
coaxing melancholic notes
from it that subdue my sullen mood.

As a mirage I now can see thee
once again, Goddess, O, so fair,
how pure moonlight doth become thee
as it adds brightness to thy hair.

But, as for you, my Aphrodite,
today’s love pain will soon become
a bitter memory, I hope–
To Thee-- I shall no more succumb.

Fini

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 11 19, 09:07

Very impressive piece indeed! I don't think I've ever written a piece of this length.

There are a number of lines in which you've inverted the meter at the beginning, and several that are a foot or a half-foot too long. Perhaps another proof-reading is in order, but otherwise a very fine piece.

deLighting to read, Daniel

Posted by: Ali zonak Dec 13 19, 11:15

Hi Daniel;
indeed, my write contains all the flaws you have pointed out and therefore requires an overhaul. It is meant to be a medieval, archaic write that has its roots in the Tannhauser-Venus legend. Said archaic verbiage then resulted in the inverted meter--I think.
Furthermore, now at the age of 85, approaching 86, my eyesight is fading and lots of mistakes seem to slip through these days. Nevertheless, I shall rectify those errors as you have suggested. Thank you, Daniel; much appreciated. Jerry

Posted by: Psyche Dec 13 19, 17:41

Hi Jerry, great to have you posting again. This is a magnificent piece. I love these archaic pieces and you've honored the form beautifully. I've never written anything so long and so well. Congratulations, you've returned with a flourish.
Daniel has already suggested changes, he knows plenty about form. So that leaves me free to enjoy.
I'll be returning because it's long and I need at least one or two more readings.
Cheers and welcome back. Do try the word challenges. Sorry about your eyesight.
Sylvia [size="2"][/size]

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 14 19, 04:28

… and I'll look forward to your follow-up, Jerry!

Believe me, Jerry, at 74 myself, I can identify with the eye issues. Much of the time (in addition to my dyslexia, which really acts up with longer pieces and prose), I'm almost always reading lines through a fog-like blur, so lots of things get past me unless I slow down even more than is normal for me! Horribly frustrating. deLighting to see your name here again, Daniel

Posted by: Ali zonak Dec 14 19, 11:08

Hi Sylvia;
it's good to see you as well, and thanks for the hearty welcome back! I'm glad you liked my poem about Tannhauser, the somewhat screwed up minstrel, and of course--that hussy Venus. Now, suppose I set my poem to music--would that make m another opera composer like Richard Wagner who wrote Tannhauser in the first place??? Naw!!! Anyhow, poor eyesight or not, I'm happy to contribute to this site again. Sylvia, thanks for reading my poem. Take care,
Jerry

Posted by: Ali zonak Dec 14 19, 11:23

Hi there young fellow, Daniel;
oh to be 74 again! Seriously, when I had my eyes checked for new glasses, the optometrist told me I had cataracts and I should see a surgeon. That was over a year ago. The surgery led to light sensitivity and other problems sight-related problems. But, somehow the show must go on--right? Anyhow, thanks for sharing your story. Take care my friend.
Jerry