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> Peach of an August, ae freislighe ~ Revision 3 ~ 8/23
JustDaniel
post Aug 6 06, 05:07
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Last week in Karnak, Lori introduced a Gaelic form, ae freislighe:

Peach of an August

Even 'neath the willow tree
it's sweltering this summer;
all those clouds, though billowy,
won't wet us; it's a bummer.

Birds all bathe so merrily
in fish pond where it's shaded.
Maple's drooping scarily;
bright leaves turn gaunt and faded.

Stream bed rocks are crying out
for cover; flow'rs go praying.
Garden plots are drying out;
soil wishes sky'd be graying.

The weather man's predicted
the nights would come with thunder;
we think that he's afflicted:
Nyx sneers to whisper, 'Blund'rer!'

Peach festival has flourished
each August, I believe in
two decades; fruit was nourished
by rain that fell come even.

© MLee Dickens'son 05 August 2006


Revision 1:

S1L4 was don't give us wind—a bummer.
S3L4 was they'd rather sky were graying.

Revision 2a:

S4L3,4 was
we think that he's afflicted,
'cause each day's been a blunder.


Revision 2b

S4L4 briefly was crisp darkness whispers, 'blunder!'

Revision 3

S1L3,4 was
all those clouds, so billowy,
provide no wind—a bummer.

S4L4 was by rain that came at even.


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JLY
post Aug 6 06, 05:47
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Daniel,
You certainly picked a theme that is on everyone's mind this summer.

In this line, is this a typo?

don’t geve us wind—a bummer. Geve?

This line just doesn't seem to roll off the tongue as smoothly as the others....

they'd rather sky were graying.


The following lines stand out in my mind as being very strong, tight, and smooth:

The weather man's predicted
the nights would come with thunder;
we think that he's afflicted,
'cause each day's been a blunder.


As always, you give us topical themes to ponder.
JLY


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JustDaniel
post Aug 6 06, 07:03
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Thank you for your keen eye and helpful observations, John! cheer.gif

I had to read the typo over three times after you pointed it out before I knew what you were referring to! Sheesh! In the process, I think I imagined a better line, so I've both corrected the original and offered a revision on top of it.

I think I see what you mean in S3, so I've offered a tentative fix for that too, perhaps adding a wee more detail with 'soil' in the process.

I also appreciate your pointing out the stanza that you thought worked the best. I knew I'd needed a transition verse to the final one, and I had not totally figured it out till this morning, though I wrote the substance of it yesterday at the Peach Festival about 5 minutes from us here in Bridgeton. It was a scorcher, but I sat most of the time listening to two bands and watching a brief youth play by our community theatre group, Off Broad Street Plaqyers... in the shade.

deLighting in the cooler weather today, Daniel cloud9.gif


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Guest_Cathy_*
post Aug 6 06, 08:24
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Hi Daniel,

I had to go check out this form before offering comment. I'd never heard of it before!

Aye freshly awakened this morning after a good night's sleep! LOL

Anyhoo... it's an interesting form. Just a thought:

The weather man's predicted
the[that] nights would come with thunder; To avoid a 'the'...
we think that he's afflicted,
'cause each day's been a blunder.

I was going to ask where the double rhyme was in L2 of your last verse. Duh! It took me a while to figure out your cleverness! LOL I wish I was so clever!!!

Well done Daniel!

Cat
 
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ArtesiaMeeks
post Aug 16 06, 18:26
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HI JUST/DANIEL,

Your work is hard to find mistakes...........everything you write is super. Here are my favorite lines.....

Birds all bathe so merrily
in fish pond where its shaded.
Maple's drooping scarily;
bright leaves turn gaunt and faded.

You truly are clever.....but in the following lines.....

Peach festival has flourished
each August, I believe in
two decades; fruit was nourished
by rain that came at even.

maybe------two decades. Fruit was nourished
by rain when came at even.

Somewhere I read, use THAT sparingly........anyway....a nice read and I enjoyed it. AM
 
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JustDaniel
post Aug 18 06, 11:31
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QUOTE(Cathy @ Aug 6 06, 09:24 ) [snapback]80492[/snapback]
Hi Daniel,

I had to go check out this form before offering comment. I'd never heard of it before!

Aye freshly awakened this morning after a good night's sleep! LOL

I'm glad that you did!

Anyhoo... it's an interesting form. Just a thought:

The weather man's predicted
the[that] nights would come with thunder; To avoid a 'the'...
we think that he's afflicted,
'cause each day's been a blunder.

In this case, 'the' points to the immediately following nights, while 'that' would seem to me to refer to nights in general ? Whatcha think?

I was going to ask where the double rhyme was in L2 of your last verse. Duh! It took me a while to figure out your cleverness! LOL I wish I was so clever!!!

Well done Daniel! ~ Cat

Glad ya caught the double rhyme before even, Cat. I'd hate to face you with it in the mournin'!

Lightly, Daniel sings.gif


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JustDaniel
post Aug 18 06, 11:36
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QUOTE(ArtesiaMeeks @ Aug 16 06, 19:26 ) [snapback]81104[/snapback]
HI JUST/DANIEL,

Your work is hard to find mistakes...........everything you write is super. Here are my favorite lines.....

You make me blush.gif

Birds all bathe so merrily
in fish pond where its shaded.
Maple's drooping scarily;
bright leaves turn gaunt and faded.

You truly are clever.....but in the following lines.....

Oh, oh... a BUT !

Peach festival has flourished
each August, I believe in
two decades; fruit was nourished
by rain that came at even.

maybe------two decades. Fruit was nourished
by rain when came at even.

That certainly would work, but the semicolon signifies that the independent clause following it is closely connected to the previous statement, even though it is grammatically independent: Each August the fruit is normally nourished by an evening rain.

Somewhere I read, use THAT sparingly........anyway....a nice read and I enjoyed it. AM

I've read that too! ... and I hope that I do that, A.M. !

deLighting in your commenting, Daniel sings.gif


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JustDaniel
post Aug 22 06, 15:24
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Hey, all [... again... I'd posted here yesterday, but decided my revision was poor when I listened to it today, so I deleted the post. This may be equally poor, but, hey... nothing ventured, nothing gained! ]

... so I've posted another minor revision.

Appreciating everyone's help as I stumble along is oblivious deLight, Daniel dance.gif


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AMETHYST
post Aug 23 06, 09:21
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Hello Daniel,

This form of poetry, to me, is perhaps one of the most difficult forms I have come across, and yet, you make it read like a song. The end rhymes are out of this world. I bow in admiration. Willow tree/billowy, predicted/afflicted ...these are exceptional.

Some thoughts and comments to follow, I hope I can offer something that will be helpful. Although it is going to be difficult, I see little room for improvement.

Best Regards, Liz

QUOTE
Peach of an August

I like the title very much. I immediately thought of the dual meaning of 'peach' - as in the fruit, and the sentiment of 'a peach of a day'

Even 'neath the willow tree
it's sweltering this summer;
all those clouds, so billowy,
provide no wind—a bummer.

In S1, I did find the rhyme summer/bummer to feel forced in the context that it is provided. L4, felt sort of tacked on.
Perhaps...

though no winds; such a bummer



Birds all bathe so merrily
in fish pond where its shaded.
Maple's drooping scarily;
bright leaves turn gaunt and faded.

Nice. I especially felt the image of maple leaves turning as the summer heat sucks the life from everything, this is a strong originally painted.

Stream bed rocks are crying out
for cover; flow'rs go praying.
Garden plots are drying out;
soil wishes sky'd be graying.

The heat of summer, the thirst for rain and the damage caused by a dry, hot season. wink.gif

The weather man's predicted
the nights would come with thunder;
we think that he's afflicted:
Nyx sneers to whisper, 'Blund'rer!'

Wonderful. I think you found such a flair in rhyming, and painting scenes that really bring it to life for me.

Peach festival has flourished
each August, I believe in
two decades; fruit was nourished
by rain that came at even.

The final line left me a little confused 'at even' perhaps you might explain.

© MLee Dickens'son 05 August 2006


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azurepoetry
post Aug 23 06, 14:16
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Hi Daniel,

This may be a stretch, why not change the repeat of first and last word to syllable instead?
With that, you could create a clever contraction of the last word to get your point across, i.e. evening?
For example: eve'nin or eve'n. Well, something better than that.

This is good stuff. i cringe at the idea of such a fixed form, yet you put the form in the shotgun seat and hit the highway.
Nicely done,

~tim/azurepoetry


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JustDaniel
post Aug 23 06, 18:20
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Greetings, Liz! cheer.gif

QUOTE(AMETHYST @ Aug 23 06, 10:21 ) [snapback]81748[/snapback]
This form of poetry, to me, is perhaps one of the most difficult forms I have come across, and yet, you make it read like a song. The end rhymes are out of this world. I bow in admiration. Willow tree/billowy, predicted/afflicted ...these are exceptional. [ Thank you! The biggest challenge to me has been to fit the rhymes within the tight confines of 7 syllables and to try to maintain some kind of a metrical flow with the uneven number of syllables! ]

Some thoughts and comments to follow; I hope I can offer something that will be helpful. Although it is going to be difficult, I see little room for improvement.

I like the title very much. I immediately thought of the dual meaning of 'peach' - as in the fruit, and the sentiment of 'a peach of a day' [ I hoped that that would carry over! ]

In S1, I did find the rhyme summer/bummer to feel forced in the context that it is provided. L4, felt sort of tacked on.
Perhaps... though no winds; such a bummer [ I'll be interested in knowing if Revision 3 satisfies that feeling ? ]

S2 - Nice. I especially felt the image of maple leaves turning as the summer heat sucks the life from everything, this is a strong originally painted. [ Well, y'all keep proddin' me to work on my imagery. It's payin' off, I guess! ]

S3 - The heat of summer, the thirst for rain and the damage caused by a dry, hot season. wink.gif [ Yes, and the past couple of weeks here have been a wonderful relief... though we sadly need rain! ]

S4 - Wonderful. I think you've found such a flair in rhyming and painting scenes that really bring it to life for me. [ That's most encouraging, Liz! ]

S5 - The final line left me a little confused 'at even' perhaps you might explain. [ I think I've chosen the right word... the Old English for 'EVENING' ? Does that ring a bell and/or make sense. I don't know how to find that particular meaning in the dictionary, but I know it's there somewhere! ]

Thank you so much for challenging me further, Liz.

deLighting in the process, Daniel sings.gif


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JustDaniel
post Aug 23 06, 18:26
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Greetings, Tim! wave.gif

QUOTE(azurepoetry @ Aug 23 06, 15:16 ) [snapback]81756[/snapback]
This may be a stretch, why not change the repeat of first and last word to syllable instead?

[ I think I lose something in trying to deciper what you're saying here? Did you leave out something in your statement. I think we're on the same wave length, but I'm not sure I totally understand your point ? HELP! ]

With that, you could create a clever contraction of the last word to get your point across, i.e. evening?
For example: eve'nin or eve'n. Well, something better than that.

[ I'm not sure if 'even' is supposed to be a contradiction. My understanding is that it's just a poetic form for 'evening'. And of course the intent (and requirement) is to connect with the opening word of the poem. ]

This is good stuff. i cringe at the idea of such a fixed form, yet you put the form in the shotgun seat and hit the highway.
Nicely done,

~tim/azurepoetry

Well, if the form is in the shotgun seat, I hope it ain't takin' any potshots at ya! I'd just as soon have ya ride along so's we can work on describin' the scenery together!

sun.gif deLightin' in yer taggin' along, Daniel running.gif


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azurepoetry
post Aug 23 06, 20:01
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Hi Daniel,

No, no, good sir. Contraction, not contradiction. Words with an apostrophe are contracted (not third party workers, but shortening of words due to local slang, etc.).

i suggested switching to syllable instead of word to allow a shortening of the end, because i had never heard of 'even' used as a poetic term for evening. Looks i just learned something new straight from the Library of Daniel. Excellent.
Since that word works both ways (why did i doubt that you would use a word without full knowledge of its potential), i really don't have any comments except, good job!

~tim

P.S. the only shooting off around these parts is my mouth. Besides that, we're all safe. zombie.gif


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JustDaniel
post Aug 23 06, 20:20
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Well, we all need ta shoot off betimes, Tim, don' we?

I'll be looking forward ta some o' yer writin' soon so's I c'n do a bit a shootin' off too! hsdance.gif

deLightin' in the interchange, Dan'l sun.gif


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Arnfinn
post Aug 24 06, 04:46
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How are ya mate,


Nah, Good poem, I think you've got a bottler!

Enjoyed from top to bottom. dance.gif

You've got this form down pat, mate.

Your talent shines through in this one. gromit.gif

Tim's never heard of 'even' for evening?

Mate, the English poets are full of it.

Here's a quote from the Australian Oxford.

even/ee-vuhn/ n poet. evening; eve. (Old English)

Sorry Tim, I've been reading your crits and your on the ball. pharoah2.gif

I've still got read some of your stuff. troy.gif

See ya later.

John troy.gif vic.gif


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JustDaniel
post Aug 24 06, 05:03
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Hey, John!

I appreciate the back-up re "even" my friend. I thought I was goin' even more senile than my dementia demonstrates! I think I'd have a hoot comin' out ta visit ya... if not just ta hear ya talk!

... an' ye're right on about Tim. I'm lookin' forward ta seein' some more o' his stuff posted here too. It'll brighten things up even more than they already are!

deLightin' in the interchange, Dan'l running.gif


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AMETHYST
post Aug 24 06, 07:10
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Hi Daniel,

QUOTE
Thank you! The biggest challenge to me has been to fit the rhymes within the tight confines of 7 syllables and to try to maintain some kind of a metrical flow with the uneven number of syllables! ]


I think that is the hardest part of the form too. I however, find it quite difficult rhyming the 3 end syllables... It is sure a task, but well worth it when you see the finished product! wink.gif


QUOTE
I think I've chosen the right word... the Old English for 'EVENING' ? Does that ring a bell and/or make sense. I don't know how to find that particular meaning in the dictionary, but I know it's there somewhere!


Don't worry Tim, I had never knew this either... sure wish I had though, I could have used it a billion times! LOL


Good Luck with this Daniel, I enjoyed the poem for the talent it shows and the excellence in poetry.

Best Wishes, Liz ...


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JustDaniel
post Aug 24 06, 07:37
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Thanks, Liz... just know that you've been one of the moving forces along the way that have helped me to dig out my 'talent' from the earth... but the matter of honing the poetry into excellence has become a consuming goal for me (even though I get sidetracked with my silly humor in some pieces I love to play with dance.gif )... to to hear you use that word is tremendously encouraging!

deLighting in the journey, Daniel sings.gif


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Cleo_Serapis
post Aug 27 06, 13:01
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Hi Daniel.

This is an interesting form, isn't it? privateeye.gif

You've done a super job here sticking to the params and the story within in splendid to my poetic eyes and ears. I also enjoyed your use of the 'end' param with the word 'even'.

There are two stanzas I've noed suggestions for you below.

Cheers
~Cleo Pharoah.gif

[+] {-}

Birds all bathe so merrily
in fish pond where it[‘]s shaded.
Maple's drooping scarily;
bright leaves turn gaunt and faded.

The weather man's predicted
{the} [dark] nights would come with thunder;
we think that he's afflicted:
Nyx sneers to whisper, 'Blund'rer!'


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AMETHYST
post Aug 30 06, 22:57
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Hi Daniel,

I have been meaning to comment on the revisions. I especially think the change to S1/L4 is excellent. You've found a way smooth out the awkwardness of the end rhyme feeling forced, while enhancing the meaning of the line. Great revising.

This is, to my ear, a keeper as is. I couldn't find anything to nit pick at... You've really taken this form to it's best! wink.gif

Great work, best wishes, Liz


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