This is a Pandora Challenge. I'm not dead-set on sticking with the phrases so pick it apart if you will ! lol

The Heart Of War

A shroud of darkness drapes the gloom of dreams;
high tide is barely seen to kiss ashore
despite huge waves that beat a violent theme

when shouting by the shore forevermore.
Unto the night is bled such screams of fear
that e'en the stoutest men will soon abhor

the charioteers who charge the sands with spears.
Their whirling laughter twisting tight the mind,
attacking home and hearth and all held dear.

If only fate would treat them so in kind;
My love, my love ... Oh, why leave me behind?

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright July 2006

I should have added that this is in response to "Hear An Army Charging Upon The Land" by James Joyce. Located here: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=8231

Phrases used:
the gloom of dreams
shouting by the shore
unto the night
the charioteers
their whirling laughter

Hi Cathy,

I really hate to tear-down people's writings.....I am not very good at it. But I was told long ago.....that using the words THAT and SO, add nothing to the picture of a poem. You have used your phrases well.......I think it is a real nice write. You can ignore my remarks, your poem stands alone as is. AG


The Heart Of War

A shroud of darkness drapes the gloom of dreams;--(in glooms of dreams,)
high tide is barely seen to kiss ashore
despite huge waves that beat a violent theme--(which beats in violent themes)

when shouting by the shore forevermore.---I really like this line.
Unto the night is bled such screams of fear
that e'en the stoutest men will soon abhor---(and e'en)

the charioteers who charge the sands with spears.
Their whirling laughter twisting tight the mind,
attacking home and hearth and all held dear.

If only fate would treat them so in kind;
My love, my love ... Oh, why leave me behind?

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright July 2006

Phrases used:
the gloom of dreams
shouting by the shore
unto the night
the charioteers

I'm not sure that I can yet completely envision the image that you're painting quite yet ( particularly its connection with 'My love' ? ), Cat, but I'll merely comment on a couple of grammatical matters as the piece stands:


Excellent inclusion of the selected phrases, Cat! And it's nice to see a well-constructed terza rima. They're a rare commodity!

deLightingly, Daniel

Thanks Daniel! Extremely difficult to write, especially when you try to fit phrases into iambic meter that just refuse to fit! lol

Thanks for sharing de Light!
Cathy (Sorry, couldn't resist!)

Hi Cathy, You did well with meeting the params of the Terza Rima, which like Daniel Mentions, is rare and such a beautiful Form of poetry. You also met the requirements of the Challenge quite well. I agree with Daniels suggestions to polish off L2, even if you find another way, it seems a little confusing as it stands. . If you don't mind I have printed this out and will return with a more detailed commentary.

I just couldn't read and not comment on how well and how enjoyable the poem reads to me.

Hugs Liz

Hi Liz,



Thank you!



I haven't had much of a chance to take a close look at this but I do like Daniel's suggestion.



Of course I don't mind! lol And thanks for letting me know you'd been here. I look forward to your thoughts when you get the time. Busy, busy, busy!

Cathy

I'm always glad to offer something that 'gets the juices flowing' in a different direction. Of course I never expect a person to adopt my exact 'suggestion' -- though whatever I may offer always becomes the property of the person for whom it is offered. We're just here to spur each other on...

so I want to thank you for getting me back into the challenge frame of mind yesterday!

deLighting in the process, Daniel

I'm glad to see you getting involved in the challenges Daniel! I need to do a few more of them myself! *smiles*

Cathy

P.S. Your suggestions have never failed to get my creative juices flowing! lol