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ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Nov 15 06, 13:03


Babylonian
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Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


This was really cute.........enjoyed reading it..........you are very creative.

AM
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #87202 · Replies: 24 · Views: 9,365

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Nov 15 06, 12:49


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


In a lowly manger
a baby boy was born
‘midst a town of strangers,

perhaps hydrangeas,
a baby boy was born
in a lowly manger.

A holy night changer
a baby boy was born
‘midst a town of strangers.

Could be called a ranger
a baby boy was born
in a lowly manger.

His life was in danger
a baby boy was born
‘midst a town of strangers.

He came as arranger
this baby boy when born
in a lowly manger
‘midst a town of strangers.

© 2006
VILLANELLE
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> MMHC (Holiday Classic) -> Hal... · Post Preview: #87198 · Replies: 4 · Views: 3,276

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Nov 15 06, 12:47


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


The night serene in peace
like doves while angels sing
their praise of love, their strength
like current ampere flows,
in awe each animal, he knows.

The night is calm, the night
is still, and there's a light
upon the hill. It shines
so bright, the star this night.
Oh! What a glorious sight.

Even the animals
all know. The child that lays
atop the hay, the child
who comes and makes us free,
even the animals take a knee.

Even the animals all know,
its Christmas here, the world’s aglow.
This winter time, this season's best
even the animals know we're blest.

© 2004
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> MMHC (Holiday Classic) -> Hal... · Post Preview: #87197 · Replies: 4 · Views: 2,911

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Nov 15 06, 12:44


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Oh Israel Oh Israel
the shepherd’s sheep are singing;
Oh Israel Oh Israel
the hills and lands are tingling.
They laid the child upon the hay;
the one whose birth was Christmas Day.
Oh Israel Oh Israel
proclaim Him King is ringing.

Oh Israel Oh Israel
all the wise men came searching.
Oh Israel Oh Israel
the brightest star is perching.
They traveled far to see the babe;
found salvation, from trip they made.
Oh Israel Oh Israel
Sagers accepted churching.

Oh Israel Oh Israel
the King was born as First Noel.

© 2006
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> MMHC (Holiday Classic) -> Hal... · Post Preview: #87196 · Replies: 4 · Views: 2,501

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Aug 18 06, 11:25


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Hi Daniel,

Yes, I did use "Annabell Lee" as a guide to write this one. I have loved that poem since my younger years....I have danced to it, sung to it, etc......just wanted to have something of my rang to it as well. AND....the Lobos' are my son's favorite FOOTBALL TEAM. We go watch them play, and in years past.....they were not too successful.....but the last several years have been better.

I do like your suggestions so far......will wait until you finish before I change anything.

AM
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #81226 · Replies: 5 · Views: 2,627

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Aug 17 06, 10:21


Babylonian
*

Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Cathy,

It is just MY form.............I just wanted the Lobo repeat.....and New Mexico land. This is really for my son.......He is an AVID New Mexico Lobo fan......this is about their football team..........they were losers for so many years....but they've played good enough to make a couple BOWL GAME appearances which makes him very happy.

It just does not red smooth, and before I send it to him, I'd like a better write.

thank...........am
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #81165 · Replies: 5 · Views: 2,627

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Aug 16 06, 18:30


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


REVISED FROM CATHY'S SUGGESTIONS----08-18-06
Wow......I wish my first draft could be as nice as yours. Thanks for the suggestions and making my poem so much better......Cathy.....I really appreciate it.



Stars shine brightly when the moon sits low
across barren desert land,
where wolves run in packs like jumping jacks
now known as New Mexico’s Lobo.
Their mascot turned their future around
to bring the Lobos to victory.

The wolf is ageless, the Lobos young,
in this land of desert sand.
Together they work, as a team they perk,
the University New Mexico Lobos;
in arenas where shouts are led by the band,
playing hard for a victory.

When the wolf was chosen mascot long ago
at the school in desert sand;
cheers rang out, eager fans would shout
for the University known as Lobos,
where spectators sat in the stands
and urged them on to victory.

Stadium lights on playing nights
illuminate the desert land.
Opponents vie from Mountain West
with the school of New Mexico's Lobos;
they beat the best known as guests
celebrating the team in victory.

ORIGINAL

The stars shine bright when the moon is low
across the deserts’ land
where a wolf ran in packs like jumping jacks
now known as New Mexico’s Lobo
and mascot whose future began
to help bring the Lobos to victory.

The wolf is young and the Lobos are young
in this land of the desert sand,
but together they work, together they perk,
these University New Mexico Lobos
in the arena where shouts are led by the band,
and they play hard for a victory.

And when the wolf was chosen mascot long ago
at the school in the desert sand,
cheers rang out and fans would shout
at the University known as the Lobos
where spectators sit in the stands
and cheered them onto victory.

The stadium lights on playing nights
at the field in the desert land,
opponents vie from the Mountain West
with the school of the New Mexico Lobos
and they beat the best known as guests
enjoy the team in victory.

© 2006 Carol Dee Meeks
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #81107 · Replies: 5 · Views: 2,627

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Aug 16 06, 18:26


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


HI JUST/DANIEL,

Your work is hard to find mistakes...........everything you write is super. Here are my favorite lines.....

Birds all bathe so merrily
in fish pond where its shaded.
Maple's drooping scarily;
bright leaves turn gaunt and faded.

You truly are clever.....but in the following lines.....

Peach festival has flourished
each August, I believe in
two decades; fruit was nourished
by rain that came at even.

maybe------two decades. Fruit was nourished
by rain when came at even.

Somewhere I read, use THAT sparingly........anyway....a nice read and I enjoyed it. AM
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #81104 · Replies: 20 · Views: 4,799

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Aug 16 06, 17:53


Babylonian
*

Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Wow CYN..............THIS GAVE ME CHILL BUMPS as I read it. My favorite line is


I have a hard time understanding
how we got from there to here.
Our island once had been our fortress,
just you and I and no one else.

and I agree with Daniel that JUST need not be there.

maybe make each stanza four lines......"yours to use or lose"

AM
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #81099 · Replies: 24 · Views: 4,418

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 26 06, 13:52


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Did nature’s force destroy the sturdy walls
of Zeus’ new home when moved like ship’s razee,
and placed inside a mundane site of halls
where Doric style of temple needed glee?

Did god of Greece in statue sprout like spire
in gold and dentine stones and precious gems?
His throne of legs wore sphinxes, winged attire
as golden robe and sandals shows his stems.

But czar regaled and sought the times of land
‘cause where they lived wore roots-Olympic games.
The wars would stop. The sports of brands were grand.
To win the prize in Zeus’ right hand made names.

His might was vast and why he sat in chair
and all compare these facts to jaunts of fare.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Chapbook Competitions · Post Preview: #79594 · Replies: 1 · Views: 1,974

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 26 06, 13:50


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Shall I compare her life to jaunts of fare?
If royal roots on barren soil lie crude,
when cracks erupt, do heirs, to night time’s glare
in dusk of shadows cast, become quite prude?
This czar in rule, erects a garden realm,
as terrace plots in brick with shrubs and trees.
Do flowers grow in heaps beneath the helm
where slaves turn screws and soak up to their knees?
Yet, scholars say this wonder’s width and strength
comes from a poet’s pen, and water path,
with pumps, and hydro chains, too vast in length.
The era buffs recall this ancient math.

Did queen find favor in the desert soil?
Her marvel’s toil becomes Iraq in spoil.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Chapbook Competitions · Post Preview: #79593 · Replies: 1 · Views: 2,147

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 24 06, 10:41


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Hi Don,

I like this poem and I agree with Daniel...............(Personally I like the 'blow out' metaphor!)

It does kinds leave SAND in one's mouth....good job.

AG
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #79425 · Replies: 42 · Views: 9,612

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 24 06, 10:32


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Hi Lori,

This poem is beautiful......but I see Cathy's suggestions can help this write. I really like the way she changed your first stanza......

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.


It is a nice tribute to your dear friend.

AG
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #79423 · Replies: 23 · Views: 4,174

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 24 06, 10:16


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Hi Cathy,

I really hate to tear-down people's writings.....I am not very good at it. But I was told long ago.....that using the words THAT and SO, add nothing to the picture of a poem. You have used your phrases well.......I think it is a real nice write. You can ignore my remarks, your poem stands alone as is. AG


The Heart Of War

A shroud of darkness drapes the gloom of dreams;--(in glooms of dreams,)
high tide is barely seen to kiss ashore
despite huge waves that beat a violent theme--(which beats in violent themes)

when shouting by the shore forevermore.---I really like this line.
Unto the night is bled such screams of fear
that e'en the stoutest men will soon abhor---(and e'en)

the charioteers who charge the sands with spears.
Their whirling laughter twisting tight the mind,
attacking home and hearth and all held dear.

If only fate would treat them so in kind;
My love, my love ... Oh, why leave me behind?

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright July 2006

Phrases used:
the gloom of dreams
shouting by the shore
unto the night
the charioteers
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #79422 · Replies: 8 · Views: 2,321

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 24 06, 10:01


Babylonian
*

Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Hi Aggie,

This is a real nice poem.....I like your version, and I like the "tips" you have received as well. My favorite line is: A sparrow perches on my window sill;
sits near an observer, that's me.
Out of the blue it comes to stand so still,
bringing such joy to my morning tea.

Your flow is nice. I enjoyed the read.

AG
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #79420 · Replies: 33 · Views: 12,160

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 24 06, 09:48


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Hi Liz,

Thanks for the kind words. I can see the poem is better now.l

AM
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #79419 · Replies: 13 · Views: 4,066

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 19 06, 13:04


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


I want to run and hide
like the wild wayward wolf.
I want to shirk the burden
we’re facing...renal failure.

His manual-plastic kidney,
daily cleansing, exchanging,
extends our golden years
and shelters life,

I want to run from.

© 2006 Carol Dee Meeks
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #79076 · Replies: 8 · Views: 1,939

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 19 06, 12:56


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Yes, I did see and change your thoughts. It does make a better poem. Thanks AM
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #79075 · Replies: 13 · Views: 4,066

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 14 06, 10:52


Babylonian
*

Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Aggie,

very very nice............am
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #78691 · Replies: 23 · Views: 8,006

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 14 06, 10:40


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


I agree with Cathy's remarks.....not much else to be said of your wonderful write. I enjoyed reading it...thanks for sharing.

am
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #78690 · Replies: 8 · Views: 2,180

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 14 06, 10:26


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


QUOTE(Don @ Jul 9 06, 21:20 ) [snapback]78358[/snapback]
Hi Carol, good to see you here again.

You might want to describe some of the jargon at the end to help readers.

The mechanical tone and repeat lines bring home the tedious aspects of the protocol.

I think the poem is very well done. It certainly will be a solid record of events at a later review.

God Bless

Don



Thanks Don...............it is tedious.....but my aim is to hand-out information about PERITONEAL DIAYLSIS.....that it can be overcome and not be a death threat. I agree about adding an explaination..............the next poem will be covered better.

am
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #78689 · Replies: 13 · Views: 4,066

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jul 14 06, 10:13


Babylonian
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


07-14-06 REVISION

Hi Cathy,

I believe you are right again................but there really is nothing more exciting than the round ball...............known as MARCH MADNESS and college basketball.



Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
The teams who play will vie and claw for first
as fans who watch shout roars and glees.

A win assures a spot on brackets’ durst.
It’s called the dance for teams on winning sprees.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #78688 · Replies: 6 · Views: 2,141

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jun 25 06, 11:11


Babylonian
*

Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


Hi Cathy,

My husband is now on kidney dialysis. We have chosen PERITONEAL dialysis--a relatively new dialysis, about fifteen years in performance. It has a total new language and description. It is very time consuming and I think HARD....once we get the training down pat, and three weeks of manual exchanges finished.....he goes on a cycler that filters him at night while he sleeps. We have met a snag in the road.............he has developed a hernia, and the manual exchanges will continue until the hernia heals. He hooks up to a machine, DRAINS out the waste, then FILLS the new solution that DWELLS in his body for 3 l/2 hours. We do this FIVE times a day......extensive cleaning, washing hands, wearing masks, etc. I have started a chapbook with poems about this PERITONEAL style of dialysis, and will have it published. The poems are how I see the dialysis, how it affects my husband, and trying to get material of this kind of dialysis out to the public. ME especially.....when I heard about dialysis, seems like a death threat......but that is not the case.

This dialysis has it own language......we are to learn it for that is the way the doctors and the PD nurses will talk to us. I just wanted to try out this poem to see what reaction I might get.............there will be poems before this one in my book, by the time you read this one, you kinda have an idea about the techinque.

Scroll down for comments about your questions.

Hi Carol,

Your title is very fitting. There are just a couple of spots that I don't understand.

A Roswell trip to clinic site
and training course with nurses’ byte; Isn't this a computer term? I don't get the connection.----IT INDEED IS A COMPUTER TERM BUT ALSO THE PERITONEAL LANGUAGE.
MAYBE
she teaches us, prevent a risk, I haven't figured out if it's the 'nurses' or the 'byte' that's teaching. Wouldn't that make a difference in the tense of 'teach'?
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc. What is 'stay-safe disc'?
A STAY-SAFE-DISC IS A WHEEL TYPE INstrument THAT THE PATIENT HOOKS UP TO THE MACHINE WITH FOR THE DRAIN (take out waste), FOR THE FILL (put in new solution) AND ALLOWS THE DWELL (solution to stay in his body for the 3 l/2 hours) IT IS A SAFE METHOD OF KEEPING OUT GERMS, ETC..............FOR THIS TYPE OF DIALYSIS IS PRONE FOR INFECTION IF NOT KEPT EXTREMELY CLEAN DURING THE DIALYSIS PROCESS.

Why did his kidneys fall asleep?
His road to health is long and steep.
He works, round track, with walks that’s brisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

A higher power holds our hands.
He gives us strength. He understands
the pain we feel without life’s frisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

His renal glands are shutting down
but nurse removes his doubt and frown.
New chance for life like tennis bisque, Isn't bisque a soup?YES IT IS A SOUP, BUT IT IS ALSO AN ADVANTAGE POINT IN SPORTS SUCH AS TENNIS. I THOUGHT THIS WAS CLEVER TO COMPARE IT IN THAT SENSE...........BUT MAYBE NOT. I KNOW THIS POEM IS CONFUSING, IT IS TOTALLY NOT EVERYDAY TALK.........THAT IS WHY I WANT TO TRY TO HELP PEOPLE UNDERSTAND WHAT GOES ON WITH KIDNEY PROBLEMS.
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

I will reserve further comment until the light comes on. Could you please enlighten this poor dumb soul? lol

BELIEVE ME, YOU ARE NOT DUMB..................THIS HAS TAKEN US ALMOST 20 MONTHS TO LEARN ABOUT PERITONEAL DIALYSIS.....THE METHOD WE CHOSE. Most people, and I was just as guilty, have no clue about kidney dialysis. I thought it was the end of the line, but this is my husband's ELECTRIC KIDNEY that he will have for the rest of his life, and without it, he will die. This kind of dialysis helps your life style stay normal......and not be tied down to a dialysis center with treatments three times a week, four and one half hours each treatment. We are still learning, we are still praying, we are still thanking GOD that this new style of help has been discovered. I hope you understand a bit better now...if not, let me know. The changes of SHE might make the poem more understandable.
Cathy

Thanks Cathy for your critique......AM





Carol,

Your title is very fitting. There are just a couple of spots that I don't understand.

A Roswell trip to clinic site
and training course with nurses’ byte Isn't this a computer term? I don't get the connection.
who teaches us, prevent a risk, I haven't figured out if it's the 'nurses' or the 'byte' that's teaching. Wouldn't that make a difference in the tense of 'teach'?
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc. What is 'stay-safe disc'?

Why did his kidneys fall asleep?
His road to health is long and steep.
He works, round track, with walks that’s brisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

A higher power holds our hands.
He gives us strength. He understands
the pain we feel without life’s frisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

His renal glands are shutting down
but nurse removes his doubt and frown.
New chance for life like tennis bisque, Isn't bisque a soup?
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

I will reserve further comment until the light comes on. Could you please enlighten this poor dumb soul? lol

Cathy
[/quote]
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #77484 · Replies: 13 · Views: 4,066

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: Jun 20 06, 12:25


Babylonian
*

Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


REVISED AFTER LIZ'S KIND AND IMPROVING REMARKS

A trip to Roswell clinic site
to train a course with nurses’ byte
who'll teach us to prevent such risk,
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

Why did his kidneys fall asleep?
His road to health is long and steep.
He walks, round track, as works that’s brisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

A higher power holds our hands.
He gives us strength. He understands
the pain we feel without life’s frisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

His renal glands are shutting down
but nurse removes his doubt and frown,
new chance for life, a healthy bisque.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

© 2006 Carol Dee Meeks
FRENCH KYRIELLE
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #77265 · Replies: 13 · Views: 4,066

ArtesiaMeeks
Posted on: May 24 06, 12:49


Babylonian
*

Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110


REBVISED 05-26-06

Thanks JLY, I believe you are right. Here goes for your suggestsions.

Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
The teams who play do vie and claw for first
as fans in watch shout roars and glees.

A win assures a spot on brackets’ durst.
It’s called the dance for teams on winning sprees.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.



ORIGINAL
Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
The teams who play do vie and claw for first
as fans in watch are shouting roars and glees.
A win assures a spot on brackets’ durst.
It’s called the dance for teams on winning sprees.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.

© 2006 Carol Dee Meeks
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #75940 · Replies: 6 · Views: 2,141

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