Soul Bouquet (Revised 27 Aug), Quatern & new title Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Some of you will remember this tribute poem to a dear friend of ours who passed away last year (hard to believe it's been almost a year).

Putting those tears aside, I am hoping to polish this poem as a tribute to those who move to another place.
Your comments are appreciated.

Revision 1 - thanks everyone

Soul Bouquet

I’m saddened that you went away
to travel unknown paths to where
no more a puzzle: heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened that you went away
through valleys steeped in God’s own trim;
you’ve left this life a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened that you went away,
foundations forged with loving care.

The contours of your gentle smile,
the mounds of things I’d hoped to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened that you went away.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter


On Your Way (Original)

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

I wanted to let you know I'd been here. It's a beautiful tribute. I want some time to really get a feel for it before commenting but I have a flower garden that needs tending before dark so I will be back soon.

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks Cathy.

No worries - I tweaked a few words here and there but still think some improvements might be required.

Take your time - I do, LOL!

Cheers.
Lori

[Aggiel]

Lori,

This is a beautiful trubute.



aggiel

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

As others have said, a beautiful tribute for someone who has sadly died and left loved ones grieving.

A few thoughts; take or leave as you wish.

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where ...dwelling doesn't quite seem right, perhaps "to travel an unknown path" (not very good but can't think of anything else).
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him - ..I'm not sure this line works. I think the problem is with Instead of and I don't think being saddened answers that. You can be angry and sad at the same time.
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope[d] to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

Thanks for the read

Nina

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Lori...

I'm a bit distracted this morning, as I'm heading off to work after a week of vacation, but on the way I'm stopping off at my surgeon's office to get an appointment to check on my first knee replacement. It hurts.

I've read this several times and keep tripping over the repeating line. I know that there is no requirement for it to be iambic, but since the rest of the piece seems to fit generally into that pattern, this seems a distraction unless you force the iambic into it, which makes it read in a way that feels, at least to me, unnatural.

I’m SADdened you WENT on your WAY (natural, to me)
I’m SADdened YOU went ON your WAY. (unnatural iambic)

Perhaps...

I'm saddened, though you're on your way.

Anyhow, just a thought for consideration for this touching tribute. I can't recall whether it was originally for Del... but I still miss him terribly.

Love in Light, Daniel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

I don't usually read the other comments before adding my own but this time I did. A couple of the lines didn't feel right to me but I was stumped as to how they could be changed. Regardless, it's a beautiful tribute to those we have lost. I don't remember having read it before...

As always ... use or lose the suggestions as you see fit! *smiles*

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

I'm saddened you went on your way
I think you could squeak by with this but shouldn't the stress really be on 'your'? What about: 'I'm saddened you have gone away'?

Would you consider heaven a 'dwelling'? As Nina said, it doesn't quite fit here. And going on her suggestion (which would need altered a bit due to the rhyme) what about: 'to travel unknown paths to where...'?

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

through valleys steeped in divine trim

The stress on 'divine' is unnatural IMO. I've always stressed the second syllable. That may be a matter of preference maybe? Just a thought ... what about 'floral' since you mention 'bouquet' in the next line? You could also use 'this life' instead of 'these woods' in the next line. It could be interpreted a couple of different ways ... They've gone to heaven as a soul bouquet or they've left those behind a soul bouquet (like a gift). Does that make any sense? lol

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope[d] to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

Your choice of course! One other observation (and I hope it doesn't make you mad! Yikes!) but I think it deserves a better title. I know that the words you've chosen come directly from the poem but they just don't seem to fit the importance of your message. Although, I'm unable to offer a suggestion at the moment. *smiles*
Cathy

I’m saddened you have gone away
to travel unknown paths to where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you have gone away,
through valleys steeped in floral trim;
you’ve left this life a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you have gone away,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hoped to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you have gone away.

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Hi Lori,

This poem is beautiful......but I see Cathy's suggestions can help this write. I really like the way she changed your first stanza......

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.


It is a nice tribute to your dear friend.

AG

[Cleo_Serapis]

Lori,

This is a beautiful trubute.



aggiel

Hi Aggie.

Thanks very much for stopping by!

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Nina.

Thanks - this was for Larry (I never posted it for crit) - hard to believe it's almost a year now.

Hi Lori

As others have said, a beautiful tribute for someone who has sadly died and left loved ones grieving.

A few thoughts; take or leave as you wish.

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where ...dwelling doesn't quite seem right, perhaps "to travel an unknown path" (not very good but can't think of anything else).
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

I also think 'dwelling' could be improved upon. I want to keep 'where' though as it is a rhyme with 'there' in L4. I'll need to 'dwell' on a substitute. LOL!

Instead of being mad at Him - ..I'm not sure this line works. I think the problem is with Instead of and I don't think being saddened answers that. You can be angry and sad at the same time.
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

I see what you are saying. In my experience, when one is angry over a death, they look to religion and question Him - in an angry manner 'Why did you take him"? that sort of thing which is why that phrase came to mind. Perhaps a change from 'Instead of' to "resolving to be mad at Him" ?

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope[d] to say. Thanks Nina!
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

Thanks for the read

Nina

Thanks for your critique Nina. You've given me a few new ideas to think on.

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Greetings, Lori...

I'm a bit distracted this morning, as I'm heading off to work after a week of vacation, but on the way I'm stopping off at my surgeon's office to get an appointment to check on my first knee replacement. It hurts.

Hello Daniel.

Well, I am glad you were able to take some time off from work but sorry to hear that your knee is hurting. Now now, what did you do on vaca that ouchied it so much, or has this been bothering you for some time?

I've read this several times and keep tripping over the repeating line. I know that there is no requirement for it to be iambic, but since the rest of the piece seems to fit generally into that pattern, this seems a distraction unless you force the iambic into it, which makes it read in a way that feels, at least to me, unnatural.

I’m SADdened you WENT on your WAY (natural, to me)
I’m SADdened YOU went ON your WAY. (unnatural iambic)

Perhaps...

I'm saddened, though you're on your way.

Anyhow, just a thought for consideration for this touching tribute. I can't recall whether it was originally for Del... but I still miss him terribly.

Love in Light, Daniel

My refrain to my ear sounds like:
I'm SADdened YOU went ON your WAY. (Isn't that iambic?) I was never actually going for iambic meter when I wrote this poem. I'll see if anyone else ha suggestions but I actually like that line as it is.

Nope - this was written for Larry (I believe he passed away a few months before Del?) I hadn't kept in contact with Del since PK crashed but I was saddened to hear of his passing. Friendships certainly can be as strong or stronger through our fingertips and the net as they are in the flesh. I considered Larry a very dear friend and I still miss him very much.

Hoping to polish this one and will think on the suggestions coming forth..

Cheers
Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori,

I don't usually read the other comments before adding my own but this time I did. A couple of the lines didn't feel right to me but I was stumped as to how they could be changed. Regardless, it's a beautiful tribute to those we have lost. I don't remember having read it before...

As always ... use or lose the suggestions as you see fit! *smiles*

Hi Cathy.

Thank you. I only posted it in the annoucement thread and the Quatern thread in Karnak after Larry passed away - but now I am ready to refine it.

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

I'm saddened you went on your way
I think you could squeak by with this but shouldn't the stress really be on 'your'? What about: 'I'm saddened you have gone away'?

Hmm - I'm not certain that 'gone away' corrects the meter? I'm SADdened you HAVE gone Away. I'll need to think on it, since I hadn't considered Iambic meter when I wrote it.

Would you consider heaven a 'dwelling'? As Nina said, it doesn't quite fit here. And going on her suggestion (which would need altered a bit due to the rhyme) what about: 'to travel unknown paths to where...'?

Yes, I do, but I also like your suggestion too. That could work!

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

through valleys steeped in divine trim

The stress on 'divine' is unnatural IMO. I've always stressed the second syllable. That may be a matter of preference maybe? Just a thought ... what about 'floral' since you mention 'bouquet' in the next line? You could also use 'this life' instead of 'these woods' in the next line. It could be interpreted a couple of different ways ... They've gone to heaven as a soul bouquet or they've left those behind a soul bouquet (like a gift). Does that make any sense? lol

Yes, that makes perfect sense Cathy. B)

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.
Course another option for L4 I thought of is:
foundations forged with loving care. Which do you prefer?

Your choice of course! One other observation (and I hope it doesn't make you mad! Yikes!) but I think it deserves a better title. I know that the words you've chosen come directly from the poem but they just don't seem to fit the importance of your message. Although, I'm unable to offer a suggestion at the moment. *smiles*
Cathy

Yes, I've never been fond of the title - it really doesn't capture the message of the piece. I like 'Soul Bouquet' for its hinted meaning. What do yo think of it?

Thanks Cathy for your ideas!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori,

This poem is beautiful......but I see Cathy's suggestions can help this write. I really like the way she changed your first stanza......

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.


It is a nice tribute to your dear friend.

AG

Hi Carol.

Thanks very much - I'm happy to receive your comments. Do you agree with both Cathy's suggestions (L1 & L2) or one or the other?

She suggested:

I’m saddened you have gone away
to travel unknown paths to where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Did you know Larry before he passed away? He was such a dear friend - always making jokes, never taking things too seriously, but always a shining star.

Thanks for stopping by Carol!
~Cleo

[JustDaniel]

Yes, I miss Larry too, Lori. Last year we had missed our annual get-together at the shore in Central Jersey, which we'd done two years in a row, that last time writing a poem together which I think we shared in MM ? Anyhow, I long regretted our not meeting up that spring... and Del was planning to come out to visit us that year as well. What a jolt the departure of those two was! Thank you again so much for re-posting this.

Re the 'iambic' pattern, YES, the way that you here it is indeed iambic, and of course it CAN be read that way... but I think that if you had not been the writer, you probably wouldn't do so, since I don't think that it is natural speech to read it that way in that particular line. I think you'll note that Cathy's suggestion is probably better than mine, but that it also is 'natural' speech.

Not trying to lobby at all, since the READING of it exactly as you have it would be wonderful; but an unfamiliar reader may not read it that way, and would likely stumble. Of course many would not... especially persons who are used to reading only free verse.

Maybe it's a curse on me ? B)

deLighting to share, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Hi Lori,

I've skimmed this a few times, reading it and feeling so lost with myself without Larry that I find nothing but love and beauty in the words. However, I am going to give a try at finding some feedback detached from the emotions I feel when reading it.

On Your Way

This title is so fitting.

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.
I agree with Nina that L2, can be improved. I'm not sure if it is the word 'dwelling' or if it the lead in to the ending part of the line. I want to say 'to travel t'ward a dwelling where
and into L3, I keep wanting to say there are no more puzzles, will think on how to say it in keeping with your meter and line of thought. The meaning of your first stanza is quite forceful and I like that it starts with the narrators loss, but reflects that the subject is going to a place of comfort and will not be alone.



Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

LOVE this stanza. Especially the final line. L1, is profound and is fitting with the capital on Him to show the narrator speaking of God, or higher powers that have control of our destinies. I liked this very much.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

L4, I felt stumbles a bit, although I cannot pin point what. I think I feel uncomfortable with 'foundations forged' I feel that it is for alliterative purposes. Again, I will return with some suggestions or avenues to consider.
I felt lines 1-3 are very indepth and smooth. Good rhymes thoughtout.


The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

APPLAUDABLE ENDING STANZA. Not a word out of place. It brings tears just to read this again... truly heartbreaking to read.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter

Hugs, Liz

[Cyn]

On Your Way

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter

I like the title On Your Way so changing to Cathy's first line would require a new title IMO but how about I'm saddened you are on your way or I'm saddened that you're on your way
I think it naturally stresses in the right spots but keeps the phrase you want

Also divine does not work for meter. How about God's own

As for dwelling, that does not bother me but you could say a heaven although that may tip your hand too soon.

Very heart felt Lori

Cyn

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Hi Cleo

I was all set to do some hacking and slashing and then realized this was written in a form unfamiliar to me so am trying to read up on the other suggestions instead.

First of all, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, even if it was a year ago.
Secondly I thought this was a beautiful tribute. It brings forth true sentament.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Yes, I miss Larry too, Lori. Last year we had missed our annual get-together at the shore in Central Jersey, which we'd done two years in a row, that last time writing a poem together which I think we shared in MM ? Anyhow, I long regretted our not meeting up that spring... and Del was planning to come out to visit us that year as well. What a jolt the departure of those two was! Thank you again so much for re-posting this.

Hi Daniel.

Yes, there is a poem here about your 'shore' visit together, it is a nice one too. I think it's a sonnet? I am so glad Peter and I met Larry last summer as it was only a short time later that he passed away. A sad, devastating departure - absolutely.

Re the 'iambic' pattern, YES, the way that you here it is indeed iambic, and of course it CAN be read that way... but I think that if you had not been the writer, you probably wouldn't do so, since I don't think that it is natural speech to read it that way in that particular line. I think you'll note that Cathy's suggestion is probably better than mine, but that it also is 'natural' speech.

Not trying to lobby at all, since the READING of it exactly as you have it would be wonderful; but an unfamiliar reader may not read it that way, and would likely stumble. Of course many would not... especially persons who are used to reading only free verse.

Maybe it's a curse on me ? B)

deLighting to share, Daniel

I wasn't trying to write in a metered pattern and I'll need to think further on the suggestions received thus far. I think however a person reads this is what they will take from it - hopefully as loving tribute with a personal message tucked inside the refrain.

More time for pondering I must do....
Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

Thank you so much. I miss Larry still very much - his wit, jokes and guidance with site matters and personal matters too - he was wise in a serious and comedic sense. Glad to see your crit!

Hi Lori,

I've skimmed this a few times, reading it and feeling so lost with myself without Larry that I find nothing but love and beauty in the words. However, I am going to give a try at finding some feedback detached from the emotions I feel when reading it.

On Your Way

This title is so fitting.

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.
I agree with Nina that L2, can be improved. I'm not sure if it is the word 'dwelling' or if it the lead in to the ending part of the line. I want to say 'to travel t'ward a dwelling where
and into L3, I keep wanting to say there are no more puzzles, will think on how to say it in keeping with your meter and line of thought. The meaning of your first stanza is quite forceful and I like that it starts with the narrators loss, but reflects that the subject is going to a place of comfort and will not be alone.

I think it' both that trip some: dwelling doesn't have the accent in the right place but Ithink your suggestion of changing 'to a' to 'toward' might help and to end with 'where' is not my norm but I think it works. Yes, I wanted to illustrate that while the narrator is overwhelmed by the loss (s)he knows her loved one is in a happier place.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

LOVE this stanza. Especially the final line. L1, is profound and is fitting with the capital on Him to show the narrator speaking of God, or higher powers that have control of our destinies. I liked this very much.

Thank you! That was my intention in S2 - linking Faith/God to the loss.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

L4, I felt stumbles a bit, although I cannot pin point what. I think I feel uncomfortable with 'foundations forged' I feel that it is for alliterative purposes. Again, I will return with some suggestions or avenues to consider.
I felt lines 1-3 are very indepth and smooth. Good rhymes thoughtout.

I look forward to your suggestions then for L4 here.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

[b] APPLAUDABLE ENDING STANZA. Not a word out of place. It brings tears just to read this again... truly heartbreaking to read.

Hugs, Liz

Thanks so much Liz!

~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

I like the title On Your Way so changing to Cathy's first line would require a new title IMO but how about I'm saddened you are on your way or I'm saddened that you're on your way
I think it naturally stresses in the right spots but keeps the phrase you want

Also divine does not work for meter. How about God's own

As for dwelling, that does not bother me but you could say a heaven although that may tip your hand too soon.

Very heart felt Lori

Cyn

Hi Cyn.

Both of your title changes are good, however, when I wrote this poem, i was truly saddened that Larry went on his way, so to me it's 'on his way' so much as he 'went away', so perhaps that might be the change to make? I'm saddened that you went away.

I do like your idea for:

through valleys steeped in God's own trim;
you’ve left these woods this life a soul bouquet (Cathy's suggestion).

I need to think a bit more on 'dwelling' and will keep your idea in mind.

Thanks Cyn for your suggestions!
~Cleo