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> Faded Love
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jul 13 06, 21:08
Post #1





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revised thanks to Nina and Danial

Did it just go crazy
Or has the thrill gone?
Am I too darned lazy
could I have carried on?

No need to keep on trying
I won’t waste away.
There's no point in crying
Things just happened that way.

Loving you was easy
Walking away is hard.
But I’m nobody’s fool
Nor will I be a discard.

We two will find a way
to continue on our own.
You're just a dream away
I’m headed for another town.




original

Did it just go crazy
Or the thrill is gone.
Am I too darned lazy
Or could I have carried on?

Isn’t any need in trying
I won’t waste away.
Isn’t any need of crying
Things just happened that way.

Loving you was easy to do
Walking away is hard.
But I’m not anybody’s fool
Nor will I be a discard.

Life will find a way
To carry on it’s own.
Your just a dream away
I’m headed for another town
 
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JustDaniel
post Jul 13 06, 21:38
Post #2


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Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hey, Steve! I'm out of practice, frankly, of critiquing, and I'm really not familiar with your style, but the only way that's going to happen if for me to just dive in and find out what I can through our interaction, right?

I am gathering that you're going for abab rhyming without concern for meter, right? If that is not correct, please inform me otherwise. I'm going on that assumption.

Without explanation the first time through, let me show you how I FEEL this... NOT how I think it should BE:

QUOTE(ohsteve @ Jul 13 06, 22:08 ) [snapback]78670[/snapback]
Did it just go crazy
or is the thrill is merely gone[?]
Am I too darned lazy
or could I have carried on?

Isn’t any need in trying[;] [ Though simpler might be There is no need...]
I won’t waste away.
Isn’t any need of crying[;]
things just happened that way.

Loving you was easy[;] to do
walking away is hard.
But I’m not anybody’s fool [ or I am no one's... ]
nor will I be feel I'm a discard.

Life will find a way
to carry continue on it’s own.
You're just a dream away[;]
I’m headed for another town[.] [ ... though both the rhyme and the line itself seem weak. ]


An apt depicting of the self-assuring feelings of a jilted suitor, methinks. And again, I'm NOT indicating how I think you should have said things, but how I felt that you were saying them. I may have completely misconstrued your words. I just dove in; gotta start somewhere, right?

Lightly for now, Daniel sun.gif


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Guest_Nina_*
post Jul 13 06, 23:49
Post #3





Guest






Hi Steve

The end of a relationship and trying to convince yourself to accept it and just walk away, move on with your life.

A few thoughts, take or discard as you wish.

[add] {delete} comment


Did it just go crazy
Or [has] the thrill {is} gone{.}[?]
Am I too darned lazy
{Or} could I have carried on?

{Isn’t any need in}[No need to keep on] trying
I won’t waste away.
{Isn’t any need of}[There's no point in] crying
Things just happened that way.

Loving you was easy {to do}
Walking away is hard.
But I’m {not any}[no]body’s fool
Nor will I be a discard.

Life will find a way
To carry on it{’}s own.
You[']r[e] just a dream away
I’m headed for another town


Did it just go crazy
Or has the thrill gone?
Am I too darned lazy
could I have carried on?

No need to keep on trying
I won’t waste away.
There's no point in crying
Things just happened that way.

Loving you was easy
Walking away is hard.
But I’m nobody’s fool
Nor will I be a discard.

Life will find a way
To carry on its own.
You're just a dream away
I’m headed for another town.
 
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Guest_Cathy_*
post Jul 14 06, 08:14
Post #4





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QUOTE(ohsteve @ Jul 14 06, 02:08 ) [snapback]78670[/snapback]
Walking away from a relationship is never easy. I think you capture that feeling well here. Use or lose the suggestions as YOU see fit! *smiles*

Cathy


Did it just go crazy
Or the thrill is [merely] gone.
Am I too darned lazy[,]
{Or} could I have carried on?

{Isn’t any need} in trying There is no point ...
I won’t waste away.
{Isn’t any need} of crying There is no need in...
Things {just} happened that way.

Loving you was easy {to do}
Walking away is hard.
But I’m {not any}[no]body’s fool
Nor will I be a discard.

Life will find a way
To carry on it’s own.
{Your}[You're] just a dream away[,]
I’m headed for another town
 
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ArtesiaMeeks
post Jul 14 06, 10:40
Post #5


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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 114
Joined: 17-April 05
From: New Mexico
Member No.: 110
Writer of: Poetry



I agree with Cathy's remarks.....not much else to be said of your wonderful write. I enjoyed reading it...thanks for sharing.

am
 
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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jul 15 06, 12:21
Post #6





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Thanks to Danial and Nina for reading and the comments.
Steve
 
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Psyche
post Jul 15 06, 20:17
Post #7


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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,770
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting



Hi Steve ! sun.gif

I like this one! A straightforward but deftly handled poem about the reversal of fortunes in love... Oo.gif

It reminds me of one my favourite Elvis songs, where he says "he's walking out the door" (I hope you don't mind my referring to Elvis, I'm a fan of his, but I know many people hate him...).

Yes, you've described the breaking up part excellently, it makes me want to cry.... all that questionning oneself, whether one could have done things better. Dear me, Steve...wow...!!

I think your ending is brilliant:

Life will find a way
To carry on its own.
You're just a dream away
I’m headed for another town.


I go for the line that says "you're just a dream away", it can have so many meanings, Steve. Like as if the person may even harbor a dream that they might come together again, but all the same he's headed for another town, cowboy fashion. BTW, it just occured to me, this poem would make good lyrics for a song. Have you ever thought of writing lyrics?

Thanks for sharing this,
cheers,
Sylvia-Psyche sun.gif


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Cybele
post Jul 17 06, 02:02
Post #8


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From: Somerset, England
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Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose



Hi Steve,

I like the fact that this is not oversentimental, that the MC is trying to be philosphical about the break up. Nevertheless the penultimate line could indicate a chink in his armour, in that he can't bear to stay around and keep bumping into the girl he has lost.

Lots of suggestions here Steve, but since this last stanza could have a double-entendre, might I suggest and alternative to L1/2 to
go with the beautiful 3rd line which says so much? Chuck or choose, it's just a thought.

QUOTE
Life will find a way
To carry on its own.
You're just a dream away
I’m headed for another town.


We two will find a way
to continue on our own.
You're just a dream away
I’m headed for another town.


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Love

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http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jul 18 06, 17:24
Post #9





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Sylvia and Grace thanks for reading and commenting. yes Sylvia I have thought about song lyrics except i have no musical talent and no one to colaberate with. and grace thanks for your last changes in the last four lines i think they are great....
Steve
 
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