Christmas Cactus (4th revision - change in ending ), Wizard Award :candle: Options

[Eisa]

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Celtic Castle Designs


Christmas Cactus (trimmed back more)


She faded before Yuletide
-- left me orphaned.
I adopted her favourite cactus,
brought to cheer her
in the dreary ward,
took it home to nourish.

Trapped by mourning’s rut,
I neglected it.
Grief eased; I found the plant
desiccated, like my core.

Wilted with guilt
I teased encrusted roots
from unbroken earth,
pampering it with fresh soil,
water and good food.

To my surprise, crimson buds
now tip verdant leaves.
It’s spring -- and late
for Christmas Cactus blossoms.

She nurtured me all her life
-- I’ll bloom again soon.

*********************************

was 1st stanza ~

She faded before Yuletide
-- left me orphaned.
I adopted her favourite cactus,
brought to cheer a dreary ward
took it home to nourish.

was last st~

It’s time I nurtured myself.
***************************************
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas Cactus – latest revision


She faded before Yuletide
-- left me orphaned.
I adopted her favourite cactus,
brought to cheer a dreary ward
took it home to nourish.

Trapped by mourning’s rut,
I neglected it.
Grief eased; I discovered the plant
desiccated, like my core.

Wilted with guilt
I teased encrusted roots
from unbroken earth,
topped with fresh soil,
sustained with water
and pampered with Baby Bio.
I didn’t hold much hope.

To my surprise, crimson buds
now tip verdant leaves.
It’s spring -- and late
for Christmas Cactus blossoms.

Winter is over --
absorbing fresh light
I’m seeded with growth;
implanted with hope
I nurture myself.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Christmas Cactus (2nd revision Sept 6th & tweaked on 7th)

She faded before Yuletide
-- left me orphaned.
Her favourite cactus,
brought to cheer a dreary ward
came home with me
for nourishment.

Imprisoned by mourning’s rut,
I neglected it.
Grief eased, discovering the plant
desiccated like my core.

Wilting with guilt
I teased encrusted roots
from unbroken earth,
topped with fresh soil,
sustained with water
and pampered with Baby Bio.
I didn’t hold much hope.

To my surprise, crimson buds
now tip verdant leaves.
It’s spring -- and late
for Christmas Cactus blossoms.

Winter is over --
absorbing fresh light
my essence is seeded with growth;
I am implanted with hope
to nurture myself.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas Cactus (1st revision Aug 17th)

She faded before Yuletide;
I brought her cactus home
to nourish, but imprisoned
in mourning’s rut, neglected it.
Grief eased, but the plant
seemed desiccated, like my core.

Wilting with guilt
I teased encrusted roots
from unbroken earth,
topped with fresh soil,
sustained with water
and Baby Bio.
I didn’t hold much hope.

To my surprise, crimson buds
now tip verdant leaves.
It’s spring -- and late
for Christmas Cactus blossoms.
Winter is over --
I am implanted with hope;
I will nurture myself.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas Cactus Aug 15th 2006

She faded before Yuletide;
I brought her cactus home
to nourish, but stuck
in mourning’s rut, I neglected it.
Grief eased, but the plant
seemed desiccated, like my core.

Wilting with guilt
I teased the roots
encrusted in unbroken earth,
topped it with fresh soil,
sustained with water
and Baby Bio.
I didn’t hold much hope.

To my surprise, crimson buds
have tipped verdant leaves.
It’s spring -- and late
for Christmas Cactus blossoms.
Winter is over --
I am implanted with hope;
I must nurture myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Baby Bio -- plant food

[galoutofdixie]

Hi Eisa,

What a sad story...but with a glimmer of hope at the end with those beautiful blooms.

I have a few suggestions, please feel free to take 'em or leave 'em

She faded before Yuletide;
I brought her cactus home
to nourish, but stuck
in mourning’s rut, I neglected it.
Grief eased, but the plant
seemed desiccated, like my core.

This might flow a little better if you did something like this:

She faded before Yuletide, and
I brought her cactus home to nourish.
Stuck in mournings rut, I neglected it.
Grief eased, but the plan seemed as dessicated as my soul.

(one note, I know you are probably using stuck because of rut, but maybe something like
"Imprisoned in mourning, I neglected it" could be a substitute?)


and this sentence on the last stanza
I am implanted with hope;
I must nurture myself.

I've never really thought of someone being implanted with hope, suffused or infused with hope maybe, but not implanted. Are you trying to tie it back to the image of the plant?

Again, these are just random thoughts. It's your poem and it's obviously telling a personal story. I enjoyed reading it, thanks for sharing

[Cyn]

She faded before Yuletide

What an awesome opening line and sets up the mood and the metaphor both at the same time.

I have no real nits. My suggestions would be personal preference for missing articles so I will leave them alone.

I would also have you consider "I will nurture myself" instead of "must". It leaves a more matter of fact feeling at the end that counterbalances the whole.

Cyn

[Peterpan]

Hello Eisa~

Loved the cactus metaphor. Well done with the execution of the poem.

All I am reading tonight are sad, sad poems and prose! Oh dear is everybody sad? I hope not...

Clever writing.

PP

[Eisa]

Hi gal..

Thank you so much for offering your thought here. I am considering them all for revision. I especially like 'inprisoned in Mourning's rut'.

Snow

[Eisa]

She faded before Yuletide

What an awesome opening line and sets up the mood and the metaphor both at the same time.

I have no real nits. My suggestions would be personal preference for missing articles so I will leave them alone.

I would also have you consider "I will nurture myself" instead of "must". It leaves a more matter of fact feeling at the end that counterbalances the whole.

Cyn

Thanks Cyn -- I appreciate your thoughts.

I also feel 'I will nurture myself' sound so much more positive.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hello Eisa~

Loved the cactus metaphor. Well done with the execution of the poem.

All I am reading tonight are sad, sad poems and prose! Oh dear is everybody sad? I hope not...

Clever writing.

PP

Well I'm not quite so sad now. My mother died 4 days before xmas, which inspired this peom, Xmas cactus and all. Glad you liked it.

Snow

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Snow Bird!

I have to scoot, as I'm already running a bit late, but I wanted you to know I'd been here in this unfamiliar sea...

I'll come back after taking my dramamine (sp) [ Go ahead and ask, "What's drama mean?" if you want a silly answer! ] and offer something more substantial.

I was rocked by some of your choices of line breaks, so I guess the only way I'm ever gonna get that stuff is to keep comin' aboard and ridin' out the storms... or chattin' face-to-face with folks like you 'bout such things!

There is wonderful hope in this piece... kinda like we's met afore... maybe the kind that I can one day have about writing FV!

deLightin' in the quick exchange, Daniel

[Peterpan]

Hello Eisa~

Loved the cactus metaphor. Well done with the execution of the poem.

All I am reading tonight are sad, sad poems and prose! Oh dear is everybody sad? I hope not...

Clever writing.

PP

Well I'm not quite so sad now. My mother died 4 days before xmas, which inspired this peom, Xmas cactus and all. Glad you liked it.

Snow

Oh! No! Snow. I am sorry. We all have to 'go' there sometime. Not sure how I will cope when it is my turn to loose my Mom. I have had the sad experience of losing my husbands parents but, it is not quite the same. You have done very well with this poem. Did you find it therapeutic? Glad you are coping better. It is a record of an era in your life?

Chat again soon no doubt.

PP

[Eisa]

I look forward to your return Daniel.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi PP

Thanks for your good wishes. I did find it therapeutic to write this and I have others brewing that I feel will help come to terms with my loss. Unfortunately I sometimes have to wait some time before my thoughts/emotions actually form words on paper/computer.LOL!

Snow

[Peterpan]

Hi PP

Thanks for your good wishes. I did find it therapeutic to write this and I have others brewing that I feel will help come to terms with my loss. Unfortunately I sometimes have to wait some time before my thoughts/emotions actually form words on paper/computer.LOL!

Snow

Hello Eisa~

I know what you mean. I call it 'digesting the emotion'. I have those problems too. I also get frustrated and want to 'write it all down' but the right words are slow in emerging. They come at the right time and way. Look forward to more.

PP

[JustDaniel]

Well, Snow, this ain't much of a return, but at least it's visual, huh?

Christmas Cactus (1st revision Aug 17th)

She faded before Yuletide;
I brought her cactus home
to nourish, but imprisoned
in mourning’s rut, neglected it.
Grief eased, but the plant
seemed desiccated, like my core.

She faded before Yuletide...
I brought her cactus
home to nourish, but
imprisoned in mourning's rut
neglected it.

Grief eased...
yet the plant seemed
desiccated
like my core.

Wilting with guilt
I teased encrusted roots
from unbroken earth,
topped with fresh soil,
sustained with water
and Baby Bio.
I didn’t hold much hope.

Wilting with guilt
I teased encrusted roots
from unbroken soil,
tamped in fresh earth,
dribbled water, pampered
with Baby Bio.

To my surprise, crimson buds
now tip verdant leaves.
It’s spring -- and late
for Christmas Cactus blossoms.
Winter is over --
I am implanted with hope;
I will nurture myself.

To my surprise
crimson buds tip
verdant leaves; it's spring...
and late for Christmas
Cactus blossoms.

Winter is over....
I'm implanted with hope
I will nurture myself.

... just kinda how my untrained eye sees it...
and always deLighted to drop in, Daniel

[Eisa]

Hi PP

Digesting the emotions -- that's a good one to remember.

Thanks Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Daniel -- good to see your return.

I can see that a change of line breaks could be beneficial to this poem and will think on it this weekend.

Thanks for your thoughts

Snow

[duetsdove]

I sure would like to see more here in the way of introduction. . .who is the "she" whose cactus has found its way into your home. . .also. . .is there a metaphorical significance to the Christmas cactus. . .and your connection to the individual. . .or. . .something more to say about sacred birth?

Some good stuff to work with here. . .

~Rene~

[AMETHYST]

Hi Snow,

I am so sorry it has taken me some time to look into this. There is some very strong meanings and connections through out. I am going to focus on the revised draft, working with what you've grown into!

First I liked the title. It immediately hooked my attention, having many thoughts spin in my mind as to its content.

Let me offer some further comments and thoughts below...

Big Hugs... and Mom is very, very proud... watching you and knowing what you have in your heart and all that you go through... she is with you always... :)

Christmas Cactus (1st revision Aug 17th)

She faded before Yuletide;
I brought her cactus home
to nourish, but imprisoned
in mourning’s rut, neglected it.
Grief eased, but the plant
seemed desiccated, like my core.

Excellent visual of the aftermath of grief and mourning. I especially love the first line. I agree a bit with Renee, in that a stronger connection between L1, "yuletide' and 'her cactus' ...
In L1, I think the word 'faded' is another powerful word that works well to express someone passing, it, IMO, fills in smaller, unspoken details, such as an expected death, illness and a slow, but steady decline in strength, the word Yuletide, clarifies the time of year and the emotions that are overwhelming.
Perhaps... making a note of what the cactus meant to her, or how it came to be...Perhaps something that might show the cactus propped next to her bedside, her cherished holiday view sits lonely in her absence. Or perhaps... The cactus I brought with her, came home with me, to be nourished;

In L2, perhaps...
nourished. Yet, I, imprisoned
by a mourning's rut, neglected it.
My grief eased, but the plant
appeared desiccated, like my core.



Wilting with guilt
I teased encrusted roots
from unbroken earth,
topped with fresh soil,
sustained with water
and Baby Bio.
I didn’t hold much hope.

Great sonics, "wilting with guilt...This entire stanza is, IMO perfect. Vivid and full of strong visuals to show the care and nurturing... the care to heal.


To my surprise, crimson buds
now tip verdant leaves.
It’s spring -- and late
for Christmas Cactus blossoms.
Winter is over --
I am implanted with hope;
I will nurture myself.

I would separate into a final stanza after 'for Christmas Cactus blossoms.'
bringing the remaining lines down into its own stanza...
Perhaps...

With Winter over--
I'm seeded by spirited growth
of a healing cactus, implanted
with hope; I plan
to nurture myself.

This of course is just suggestions to open up various thoughts and ideas. And Snow, as always, please take and use what you like and discard the rest...

The poem is a beaut and I will look with excitement as it grows and becomes nurished.

Hugs, Liz

[Eisa]

I sure would like to see more here in the way of introduction. . .who is the "she" whose cactus has found its way into your home. . .also. . .is there a metaphorical significance to the Christmas cactus. . .and your connection to the individual. . .or. . .something more to say about sacred birth?

Some good stuff to work with here. . .

~Rene~

Hi Rene -- thanks for your comments, I agree this could be filled out with a little more information. I'll ponder on revision soon.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

Thank you -- you have offered some great suggestions here, which I will mull over soon to revise again.

Hugs Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow.

Sorry for my delay! I took a peek at this last night, and had to come back to this one tonight when my mind wasn't as clouded.

My first read through left me feeling as though there was a loss, a legcy to uphold and just when we think the 'symbolism' of death is upon us, life comes calling! I find a few different interpretations in this poem and think it's very clever.

I think my favorite line is 'wilting with guilt' - a great metaphor with inner rhyming. As the blossoms come, so does hope. It is a refreshing thought! We actually nurture a Christmas cactus here and it blooms every other (or third) month usually - those bright crimson flowers. The plant has special meaning as it was from Peter's father's home (we brought back almost all of his indoor plants when he passed away almost 4 years ago) which makes this one closer to my heart.

I find only one stanza that I made notes on for you to ponder.
Cheers
~Cleo

[add] {delete}

She faded before Yuletide;
I brought her cactus home
to nourish, but imprisoned
in mourning’s rut, neglected it.
Grief eased, {but} [save for] the plant[:]
{seemed} desiccated, like my core.