Ephemera - "Edited Once More" (Old title was Again), Sonnet - Crits Welcome Options

[Larry]

Ephemera

“To touch the stars” - Each breath we take, each stride
through yesterday’s eternity; traversed
without true cognizance of what we hide
inside ourselves. Bright stellar hearts have burst

to give new life where none has been before.
Fires dissipate through Stygian abyss
to coalesce in whorls… a virgin shore
where mountains emulate a nova’s kiss.

Hot blood flows to the sea; a molten red
that blackens, scatters far beneath the waves
to mix with sands' old bones upon that bed…
a crèche for life and undulating graves.

Each trace erased of evanescent gyre;
for children, born of stardust, feed its pyre.



The couplet once read:

Each trace erased on paths taken today
as footprints through the stars dwindle away.

and was then changed to:

Each trace erased upon our brief foray
as children, born of stardust, fade away

------------------
Thanks Alan and Leo and especially Jim!
Thanks also to Daniel. If you read the string, you will see the corrections he helped me make.

[Alan]

Dear Larry,

A very fine sonnet, worthy of Will, both in content and expression.

One tiny nit :

to mix with sands old bones upon that bed…

should it be

to mix with sands' old bones upon that bed… (added apostr)

Love
Alan

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Larry - I very much enjoyed your sonnet, full of dark apocalyptic surgings!
I came to grief, however, when trying to unravel where V.3 was leading me.
Hot blood flows to the sea; a molten red
which blackens, scatters far beneath the waves
to mix with sands old bones upon that bed…
a crèche for life and undulating grave.

I felt the need for a few extra signposts, and have
posted how I believe it should be read aloud, but would
be interested to know if I am right.


V3 Hot blood flows to the sea. A molten red
which blacken, scatters far beneath the waves
to mix with sands, old bones upon that bed…
a crèche for life and undulating graves.

Hugs,

Leo



[size=3][/size]

[Larry]

Hi Alan,

You are correct in your assessment that "sands" should have had an apostrophe afterwards showing possessive case instead of plural. That will be fixed shortly.

Thanks for the read and the nice words.

Larry

[Larry]

Hi Leo,

Thanks for stopping by for a read and a crit. Sorry for the grief. V3 is actually a continuance and a description of the last line in V2. Using poetic license, I tried to anthropomorphize the "volcanoes" mountains emulate a nova’s kiss found on newly formed worlds as miniature exploding stars. This, then, leads to the volcanoes' lava hot blood flowing to the sea and mixing with the sands' "old bones" or tiny fragments of what used to be stars.

Gets a little convoluted when trying to explain the thought processes which led me to write this piece in the first place. The title, Again, just hints at the cyclical nature of the universe in general and our, "humans'", continual predilection for star gazing and exploration. We just want to get back to our origins.

Most people do not realize, either through religious bias or lack of scientific knowledge, that if we all came to be via the "Big Bang" then we and every thing we see and touch are all "stardust".

Let me know if this clears up things. Or not!

Larry

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Larry,

quite a journey you take us on.

A few thoughts to ponder perhaps.

Again

note your explanation in this choice of title but not sure it really helps the poem; perhaps something like 'Origins' would help the reader more - or perhaps just 'Bang' with its double entendre?

The main body of the piece contains some excellent vocabulary choices and images - I think the tightening already done helps - but those trochees in the couplet hold things up too much for me.

The first 'taken' is easily remedied with 'we take', which also makes the image active: the second needs a little more contemplation.

as footprints through the stars dwindle away.

I might have been tempted to go with something closer to
'mean footprints of/from the stars are washed away' - 'mean' strengthens the argument and 'are washed' gives added alliteration there. Use or lose of course, I did enjoy this - it makes the reader think beyond the bare words and that's always a good thing imo.

[Larry]

Hi Jim,

Sorry I have been so long getting back to your comments and crits but have had too many fires going and not enough feet to stomp them out.

Glad you caught the trochees; they were an oversight and were not meant to be there for effect. I have been working on a couple of changes in the couplet which I hope will pass muster when examined by the occasional passer-by.

As far as the title goes, "Bang" and "Origins" are a bit to criptic for my taste. I'm not extremely enamored with the title I have but will mull over any suggestions offered while I try to come up with an alternate.

Hope you won't be held up by the changed couplet.

Larry

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi Jim,

Sorry I have been so long getting back to your comments and crits but have had too many fires going and not enough feet to stomp them out.

Glad you caught the trochees; they were an oversight and were not meant to be there for effect. I have been working on a couple of changes in the couplet which I hope will pass muster when examined by the occasional passer-by.

As far as the title goes, "Bang" and "Origins" are a bit to criptic for my taste. I'm not extremely enamored with the title I have but will mull over any suggestions offered while I try to come up with an alternate.

Hope you won't be held up by the changed couplet.

Larry

Hi, Larry,

take your point on the title suggestions - the title is often the most difficult vocabularly choice we face. I still have a little hiccup with the couplet; to me 'foray' is trochaic and it is not really true rhyme when you match unstressed and stressed end syllables - in addition, most advice I read advises against trochee substitution in last foot of an iambic line. Might you consider something like 'briefer stay/brief delay' there?
Jim

ps another title option just occurred, 'Segue'

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Larry,

love the revision - the new title captures immediately and 'evanescent gyre' is a beautiful word image,
Jim

[Larry]

Thanks Jim,

I'm glad you like the revision but even happier that I have passed the "sans trochee" test.

Anyone else have any feedback? Hellooooooooo!

Larry

[JustDaniel]

Dear Larry:

A very fine sonnet with superior revisions, including your couplet and your title!

Just a few afterthoughts you might consider -- IF I understand your words correctly?

Ephemera

“To touch the stars” - Each breath we take, each stride
through yesterday’s eternity; forever is traversed
without true cognizance of what we hide
inside ourselves. Bright stellar hearts have burst

to give new life where none has been before.
Fires dissipate through Stygian abyss
to coalesce in whorls… a virgin shore
where mountains emulate a nova’s kiss.

Hot blood flows to the sea; a molten red
which that blackens, scatters far beneath the waves
to mix with sands' old bones upon that bed…
a both crèche for life and undulating graves[,] (.)

each trace erased of by evanescent gyre;
when once-children, born of stardust, feed it’s its pyre.

deLighting to visit, however late, Daniel

[Larry]

Hi Daniel,

Thanks for the thorough critique and your suggestions. Let me enumerate what I feel are the pros and cons of each.

S1L2: To use "forever" would signify a very long or seemingly endless span of time. I used "eternity" to be specific about that time's duration.

S2L3: Good catch! When I type, my brain automatically capitalizes anything after a period (or three of them). Will change.

S3L3: Another good grammatical catch. "That", of course, indicates something already mentioned; whereas "which", on the other hand is asking to identify possible subjects. Will change that too.

S3L4: Can't use "both". That would throw a spondee in the mix and I have tried so hard to keep the sonnet IP. Also, one must end the thought somewhere with a period. If I used a comma at the end of L4, I'd wind up with the last six lines as one long sentence. Besides, the couplet is a summation of everything that came before and I feel it should start as a new statement, thus the cap.

S4L1: You caught most of my meaning but at the end, I wanted to show how ephemeral, in universal terms, everything is and so concluded that even the trace of galactic spirals will be erased.

S4L2: Your suggestion to use "Once" instead of "When" made me think about what I wanted to say. Both words place some doubt as to "IF" this might occur. I actually wanted to state a fact that it has happened and will always happen because of the cyclical nature of everything in existence. I'll try "for".

S4L2: Yes, "its" was supposed to be possesive and not a contraction. I'll change that also.

I really do appreciate your thought provoking crits and suggestions and no, your visit was not "late". You got here at just the right time.

Thanks,
Larry