Sirius Shines On (was Heaven's Kennel), Crit *** Options

[Eisa]

Due to a suggestion from a friend, I have changed the title -- Sirius being the Dog Star


I won Odin's 2009 with this one, but I'm wondering of there is anything else I could do to it. I'm not keen on lines 4 & 5 both beginning with 'to'. Any suggestions appreciated.

In this revision I have cut the number of I's from 8 to 5 and your's from 9 to 4

Sirius Shines On

My scented candle flickered through the gloom
to usher me. I knelt beside you, plumped
soft pillows underneath your head, then slumped
as lavender aroma filled the room.

With duvet spread across a dozing frame,
old eyelids fluttered when I gently stroked
your freckled face. I tried to speak, but choked
on my farewell and sputtered out your name.

Fond reminiscences of youthful days --
a life aglow with energetic zest;
effulgence dimmed to soothe your soul to rest.
My goodbye kiss was whispered through a haze

of biting sorrow, for your spark had gone,
a burnt out form remained. I blazed with grief.
New light appeared as tears gave some relief.
Outside an avian chorus welcomed dawn.

In dreams you scamper though the fields, my star
you dazzle still. Remembering that night
I feel the poignancy of loss ignite,
yet sense your cherished essence from afar.
-------------------------------------------------

St1,L1 was - My scented candle flared across the gloom

St2,L2 was - old eyelids flickered when I gently stroked

-------------------------------------------------

Thank you Larry & Lori for your input on this. The more I look closely at this I find more problems.
Larry noticed there were a number of I's (8 altogether)
I noticed a number of your's - and Lori noticed them too. (9 altogether - 10 including you're in last st.)

I have also mentioned candle 4 times, headtwice and waned/waningtwice.

I've shown the repeats in red in the poem.

I am now rewriting certain parts of this to eliminate as many of the repeated words as possible. Watch this space LOL!

Heaven’s Kennel

I knelt beside you while the candle flared
and plumped a pillow underneath your head,
then rearranged your comfort blanket, spread
to warm your waning flame. I was prepared
to say farewell, when light grew faint. Your eyes
were closed in sleep, but flickered when I stroked
your weary head. I tried to speak, but choked
on sputtered words, awaiting your demise.

I kindled memories of youthful days --
our lives aglow with energetic zest.
The candle dimmed to soothe your soul to rest.
I said Goodbye and kissed you through a haze
of biting sorrow, for your spark had gone.
Your burnt out form remained; I blazed with grief.
The candle waned as tears gave some relief.
Outside the birds began to welcome dawn.

In Heaven’s Kennel you’re a dazzling star;
each year I reminisce by candle light
and feel the poignancy of loss ignite,
yet sense your shining essence from afar.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow,

O I luv this one!

I'll come back to this as soon as I can to offer commentary for you.

Take care,
~Cleo

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

I still remember this one fondly because our tri-color sheltie died about a year before you posted it. To remember still brings pain and sadness.

As with anything written in first person singular, one notices the proponderance of "I's" and that will sometimes detract from or lessen the effectiveness of a very good poem. Your repetitive "to" in L4/5 is not that big a deal but if you want suggestions for a small change, you might try:

to warm your waning flame. I was prepared,
farewells yet said, when light grew faint. Your eyes

or

then rearranged your comfort blanket, spread
for warming waning flame. I was prepared

Now to the "I's". You might try to use some present participles to replace a few of them or sub in other words where possible.

S1L1
Kneeling beside you while the candle flared
S2L1/2
Those kindled memories of youthful days --
kept lives aglow with energetic zest.

You get the idea. As always, TOT but I would like to say thanks for the reminiscent tears shed for my "Baby Bug" while reading this one more time.

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi Larry

I think this one holds meaning for any one who has lost a pet. I wrote it after my beautiful Border Collie died 9 years ago and I seem to come back every year and make a few changes. Pets are family and are greatly missed.

Thanks for your thoughts on this. I agree that the 'to's' beginning those adjacent lines are probably no big deal and I'm thinking on that.

I had not realised the number of 'I's' I had writtem and when I looked there are also a number of 'your's' too. I really would like to get rid of some of these and when I have time I'll come back to this and give it my concentration.

I am so glad to have your help.
Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow,

Just a quick observation for now - I noticed the abundance of describing your dog with 'your' - I wonder if you'd be keen on replacing some of them?

Also a suggestion for L5/L6:
for fond farewells when light grew faint.

Maybe change L5 – replace your with something else -also you don’t need those commas after farewell in L5, sleep in L6 and speak in L7.

Sorry - got to run for now.

Be back soon!
~Lori

[Eisa]

Hi Lori - It's so good to see you here with your thoughts. I had noticed the number of your's and welcomed your suggestions. However, there are lots of repeated words that I need to work on. Hope to see you here again soon.

Hugs
Snow

[Eisa]

A revision - have managed to cut back on I's and your's. Commets welcome.

Snow

[jerryk]

Hi Eisa;
it's difficult for a narrator NOT to use those pronouns that seemingly want to flow from the pen-- I like your revision--not to mention the subject matter. I've always imagined that there would be a heaven for all our deceased pets, and I wish it were so. We had to put our cat Boots to sleep and his ashes remain with us. We still have three dogs and 3 cats; birds as well. All have their lovable personalities that endear them to us. Your tender farewell to a beloved pet is heart tucking. Take care.

Jerry

[Eisa]

Hi Eisa;
it's difficult for a narrator NOT to use those pronouns that seemingly want to flow from the pen-- I like your revision--not to mention the subject matter. I've always imagined that there would be a heaven for all our deceased pets, and I wish it were so. We had to put our cat Boots to sleep and his ashes remain with us. We still have three dogs and 3 cats; birds as well. All have their lovable personalities that endear them to us. Your tender farewell to a beloved pet is heart tucking. Take care.

Jerry

Yes Jerry, I have found it very difficult not to use those pronouns. I'm glad you like the revision. I have just made a small change to the last stanza.

I've always been an animal lover as I see you are too. My latest pets are Leopard gecko lizards and cornsnakes. (most people cringe at the thought LOL!) These too - all have personalities though.

Snow

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

Love the revision even though it is still a painful read which pricks old memories.

I've only one small suggestion and it pertains to S4. Each line is end-stopped and you begin L2 uncapped. That is my only nit and is of little consequence.

Leopard Geckos and Corn Snakes? Can you pet them? LOL

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

Love the revision even though it is still a painful read which pricks old memories.

I've only one small suggestion and it pertains to S4. Each line is end-stopped and you begin L2 uncapped. That is my only nit and is of little consequence.

Leopard Geckos and Corn Snakes? Can you pet them? LOL

Larry

Thanks Larry - glad you like the revision. It's brought painful memories back to me too even though 9 years have passed.

In stanza 4 L1 carries over to L2 so 'you' doesn't need a cap.

In dreams you scamper through the fields, my star
you dazzle still. Remembering that night

Yes, you can pet geckos and cornsnakes, especially if you have them from babies. Mind, they all have different personalities - some more feisty, some very nervous.

Snow

[Larry]

Hello again Snow,

My small crit pertained to S4 - you referred to S5 (calling it Stanza 4) with your return post. The crit is no big deal but check out S4 and you will see what I mean about the end stops and L2 beginning with an uncapped following a period in L1.

Larry

[Eisa]

Hello again Snow,

My small crit pertained to S4 - you referred to S5 (calling it Stanza 4) with your return post. The crit is no big deal but check out S4 and you will see what I mean about the end stops and L2 beginning with an uncapped following a period in L1.

Larry

Oops! I have been getting in a muddle! You are right, Larry ... I'm so glad you spotted that. I'll do a bit of punctuation changing now.

Snow

[Psyche]

Hi Snow,

Oh dear, your poem brings tears to my eyes, thinking only of the last dog I lost. If I go over in my mind the many pets I've had and lost since childhood, I would drown in a pool of my own tears, like Alice...

I think this is a beautiful piece. There's so much love and gentleness in there. And the finale is not too heartbreaking, you finish with a ray of light for one's sorrow. I believe your last S is my favourite, tho' I love the whole poem.

No nits, just one doubt that you or others might clarify. In S1, L2 you say "usher me". I stumbled there, cos even tho' it's a v.t. and you've used "me" as an object, nonetheless common usage would be to "usher me in..." somewhere. I feel as tho' something's missing. Perhaps it's just me. I'm just used to reading "usher in".

The rest flows wonderfully and I've read it several times to relish your skill with words and images.

Hugs, Syl***

[Sekhmet]

This is a fine revision Snow, although for conveying raw emotion I preferred your first version, simply because, 'you/your' and 'I' were the only entities that existed in that lavender scented room.
I have returned, after two readings, because I dissolve each time I read your poem - not possible to crit. Sometimes, honest mourning outweighs everything.
'I blazed with grief' was inspired.
Hugs,
Leo

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

Oh dear, your poem brings tears to my eyes, thinking only of the last dog I lost. If I go over in my mind the many pets I've had and lost since childhood, I would drown in a pool of my own tears, like Alice...

I think this is a beautiful piece. There's so much love and gentleness in there. And the finale is not too heartbreaking, you finish with a ray of light for one's sorrow. I believe your last S is my favourite, tho' I love the whole poem.

No nits, just one doubt that you or others might clarify. In S1, L2 you say "usher me". I stumbled there, cos even tho' it's a v.t. and you've used "me" as an object, nonetheless common usage would be to "usher me in..." somewhere. I feel as tho' something's missing. Perhaps it's just me. I'm just used to reading "usher in".

The rest flows wonderfully and I've read it several times to relish your skill with words and images.

Hugs, Syl***

Hi Syl - It's so good to see you here. I'm a bit late answering as I've had a cold and couldn't get my head round anything.

Thanks for your comments. As to the 'usher me' ... I've just looked up in Your Dictionary and it says there that 'usher' is sometimes used with 'in', so I pressume it is sometimes used without 'in'. Unfortunately no-one else has commented on this, so I'll think on it.

Hope to see you again soon.

Hugs
Snow

[Eisa]

This is a fine revision Snow, although for conveying raw emotion I preferred your first version, simply because, 'you/your' and 'I' were the only entities that existed in that lavender scented room.
I have returned, after two readings, because I dissolve each time I read your poem - not possible to crit. Sometimes, honest mourning outweighs everything.
'I blazed with grief' was inspired.
Hugs,
Leo

Hi Leo

Yes -- I suppose the 'I's and 'you's did make this a bit more personal -- but unfortunately, not so poetically acceptable.
Thanks for your comments.
Hugs
Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Eira, This is so wonderfully poignant, I felt the tears form a meniscus waiting to overflow. The only thing that caught my eye was S4 last line I think 'the' could be replaced with 'an', just my thought TOT. I hope that when my dog passes that I can hold it together and that I will find him when I get to the other side.

Take Care
Steve

[merle]

Hi Snow -

Much too soon for me to read this as I lost one of my beloved dogs just a few weeks ago and had to give most of the others(13) away due to my husband's illness. Just as I thought I was strong again, this writing broke through my fragile veneer. It's beautiful in it's simplicity and truth. No crits from me just tears.

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

I thought this to be a finished product but see that a question has arisen about "usher". It is, as Sylvia notes, surely a v.t. but to add "in" afterwards is merely utilizing a modifier which is an optional grammatical element; with the emphasis on "optional". If "usher", used in this way, were a real problem instead of a precieved one, you might want to sub something like "beckon".

After reading your poem for the nth time, (it took that many times to have a cathartic effect on me which might allay the emotional perspective), I noticed that your first line disturbed me a bit.

My scented candle flared across the gloom

The only reason I mention it is because of the ambiguous connotations of "flared" in this context. Even an "Usher" uses a muted light in a dark theater. I've seen candles do a lot of things (my wife burns them all the time) but never remember one which would "flare across" anything. Maybe "gilmmered through" or "sparkled in"... the gloom.

As always, TOT. I'll still love your poem.

Larry