"Seize!"
"Quiet down!"
"Release me!"
My body vibrates these chants
with each passing fortnight.
Nocturnal- ceaseless- pin pricking
numbs humane reactions.
Imaginary Choruses of raging waves
ravish my days and nights.
Weakly twisting between soaked sheets,
my tears are embraced by drought.
Morning light stings swollen reddened orbs,
filtered through UV protective lenses.
Pill box flaps heavily in my pocket,
with timers buzzing each ones' turn.
"Seize!"
My shuffling feet resonate my pleas,
as each full moon rises then falls.
I know this needs a lot of work but this is my first attempt at writing for months... Hope to get your feedback.
Dani
Hey Dani! This is impressive and I'm so glad you've written a poem after a troubled "drought".
Maybe it needs some clipping but at first reading I think it's spectacular.
Sometimes -not always- a crisis brings on creativity.
I'll return here because now it's 2 a.m. and I want to post my own first new poem after a long interval. I'm also having big troubles, but won't go into the details now. I had to postpone a short holiday because of an accident to my grandsons' father (my ex son-in-law).
So... let's write what we can, hey Dani!
Hugs & love, Syl***
Hi Dani
This is brilliant - and I think Syl is right that it just needs a little trim. Some suggestions:
"Seize!"
"Quiet down!"
"Release me!"
Personally, I'd write these in italics - not speech marks.
Seize!
Quiet down!
Release me!
My body vibrates these chants
[with each passing fortnight].
perhaps:
as time passes
Nocturnal- ceaseless- pin pricking
numbs humane reactions.
Imaginary Choruses of raging waves
ravish my days and nights.
Weakly twisting between soaked sheets,
my tears are embraced by drought.
Morning light stings swollen reddened orbs,
filtered through UV protective lenses.
Pill box flaps heavily in my pocket,
with timers buzzing each ones' turn.
Seize!
My shuffling feet resonate my pleas,
as each full moon rises then falls.
If you decide to go with the italics, then include this one
Reading throught this again, I cannot think of anything to change - I find it well written and thought out. I will come back to it, but you have done well with this.
Hugs Snow
Dearest Syl,
Thanks so much for the lovely comments and yes this does need some trimming. I guess this is half of my cure and am sure you understand it well.
Hope to get your feedback when you have time.
Hugs and love
Dani
Dearest Eira,
I am so grateful for the help you have offered so far and will take your suggestions. I hope that I have relayed the image of this incessant torture well and would love if you anything else to offer..
Thanks so much honey
Love and hugs
Dani
Hi dear Dani,
I've been away a long time due to a personal tragedy in our family, but here I am, back to read your quite special poem again. I see that Snow has already given you good suggestions, I do hope you'll return soon in better health.
Here go some questions & comments, to toss or take, dear Dani:
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