Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Lover's Meet Again/ Two Views, Spensarian Stanzas
heartsong7
post Jul 28 10, 18:38
Post #1


Creative Chieftain
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin



Lover's Meet Again
Two Views

Revision:

She:
I watched you wrapping life in fantasy
until you lost yourself in make believe.
Appearances took precedence and we
soon parted. I still wonder—did you grieve
at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.
And should we meet again, we won’t retrieve
the newness of the love that we let go.
We are who we’ve become, with memories in tow.


He:
It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; for that I grieve.
The maybes topped with what-ifs made you leave
and I got lost in all I didn’t know.
On meeting once again, we will retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.


Original:

She:
I watched you wrapping life in fantasy
until you lost yourself in make believe.
Appearances took precedence and we
soon parted. I still wonder—did you grieve
at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.
And should we meet again, we won’t retrieve
the newness of the love that we let go.
We are who we’ve become, with memories in tow.


He:
It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; it’s that I grieve.
The maybes topped with what-ifs made you leave
and I got lost in all I didn’t know.
If we’ve another chance, then we’ll retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.


·······IPB·······

Forgiveness is the fragrance
the violet sheds
on the heel
that has crushed it.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Alan
post Jul 29 10, 01:23
Post #2


Laureate Legionnaire
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,446
Joined: 16-October 06
From: UK
Member No.: 298
Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends



Dear Susan,

This is very well observed, sad, and well presented.

Only nit :

It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; FOR that I grieve.

I think the "it's" is awkward there, this seems to be a simpler statement. You may of course disagree !

Love
Alan


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Jul 29 10, 11:02
Post #3





Guest






Hi, Sue,

QUOTE
The Spenserian stanza is a fixed verse form invented by 1. Edmund Spenser for his epic poem The Faerie Queene. Each verse contains nine lines in total: eight lines in iambic pentameter followed by a single 'Alexandrine' line in iambic hexameter. The rhyme scheme of these lines is "ababbcbcc."
from your post in Karnak.

Getting the form requirements out of the way quickly, you have indeed produced perfect Spenserian stanzas. I note, too, that you have used identical end words in S2, mirroring S1 perfectly which goes above and beyond the requirements but 'feels' right for this piece; that must have been difficult to accomplish.

She:

I like the images presented here, particularly 'lost yourself in make believe' and 'I left a man I didn't know' - these strike at the root of the problem, the reason for the break-up. The certainty behind 'we won't retrieve' shows the realist. I have no nits with this stanza.

He:

The dreamer shines through here, 'prince had won your heart' but there is a suggestion that he is misunderstood 'somehow I'd make you believe' even though he acknowledges that as fantasy. This stanza has more weaknesses imo. I agree with Alan's suggestion to substitute 'for that' in l.4 above but have another couple of suggestions for your consideration. Firstly, in line 5, I would put maybes and what-ifs in quotes; secondly, I feel line 7 could be stronger. In S1 we have the full 'we won't retrieve' yet the answering line is 'then we'll retrieve' - if you were to reword a little to something like ' if we'd another chance, we could retrieve' and lose that weak 'then'.

Yours to use or lose of course, it's your poem,
Jim
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
heartsong7
post Jul 29 10, 11:55
Post #4


Creative Chieftain
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin



Hi Alan and Jim,
Thank you gentlemen, for stopping to read and offer suggestions for this one. Good calls on all counts, I'll take them with much appreciation for your keen observations.
Sue

PS. I had forgotten that I had posted the params for a SS in Karnak. It's been so long. I scrolled down to read the replies and was also reminded that I had posted this particular pair as part of a volley with Merlin. I hope it's ok to have a revisit. I did do further revising thanks to your suggestions.


·······IPB·······

Forgiveness is the fragrance
the violet sheds
on the heel
that has crushed it.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Michelle
post Jul 29 10, 21:52
Post #5


Greek
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
Writer of: Poetry



Hi Sue,

This is a very good poem. I think that your revisions polish the piece. I read this early this morning, I think, and got a little lost in the "he" portion. Now it is much easier to read.

I like the form, the way you've used the same rhymes in each stanza and your excellent word smithing.

my best,

Michelle


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Aug 13 10, 08:55
Post #6


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Sue,

Oh boy! I loved this one before in Karnak and now again here. The subtle changes you've made really sparkle! I like the italics, the last line in 'She' and the last 3 lines in 'He'.

On meeting once again, we could retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.


In reading the original closing, I wasn't too keen on the 'If we’ve another chance, then we’ll retrieve' line because it sounds like "he" is assuming she'll retrieve the love and as we all know in real life, sometimes, as much as it may hurt to admit, that doesn't always result. So I must say that I have no nits - only admiration that you've taken an already lovely work and made it even better. I also took up your challenge back then in Karnak and did a parody of Lara Croft from Tomb Raider and Indiana Jones from Raiders of the Lost Arc...

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo galadriel.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
AMETHYST
post Aug 16 10, 02:35
Post #7


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hi Sue,

Oh I've missed reading your poetry. I have been your biggest fan for so many years that I often cannot find anything to nit. You are a hard nit to critique ... I loved this the first time I read it, it inspired me to make my own attempts and as I see some changes that polish it off so nicely. I wanted to give a thumbs up on the revision.

I too, felt the change in S2, L7 is a strong revision ... I also might suggest '...we will retrieve' only that in his world of fantasy, the use of 'will' is in direct opposition of her 'won't' that it was emphasize his lack of comprehending the reality of their relationship and expectations. However, it isn't a suggestion that is fully necessary to make this any more delightful and poignant as it is.

God Bless and I MISS YOU!!! Big Hugs, Liz


·······IPB·······

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Aug 29 10, 16:13
Post #8


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Sue

I love this one! It is definitely one of my favourites. I think it was a brilliant idea, writing each stanza from a different point.

I just have one observation:

L6 just has 9 syllables instead of 10


at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
heartsong7
post Sep 11 10, 09:22
Post #9


Creative Chieftain
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin



Hi there, Michelle, Lori, Liz and Snow.
I'm so glad to know you all feel this is working. I had completely forgotten that I had already posted it here, but the fresh look has been helpful.

I like your suggestion for 'will' Liz and will do.
I'm delighted to see you, too. It's been a long time.

Oh yes, Snow,
re:you; I left a man I did n’t know.
that's a headless iamb meant to stress
"you"
There are still 5 stressed syllables in the line, and I'm told that it's an acceptable variation on iambic meter.

Thank you so much, dear ladies. It's nice to be here again.
Sue


·······IPB·······

Forgiveness is the fragrance
the violet sheds
on the heel
that has crushed it.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 15th October 2019 - 08:20




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: