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> Death
greenwich
post Jul 2 17, 16:02
Post #1


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From: Croydon, Surrey
Member No.: 5,284
Real Name: Antony Glaser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy



Death is a gentleman in a weathered trench coat.
His sunglasses shield his burning eyes.
The ample holes in his shoe
take in spare souls,
who have wallowed
in their meths misery.
Death has no fear of subways
or crossroads.
His mission is too precise,
conjurer of tricks
repenters can never work it off.
He licks his lips with each given soliloquy
Those are the tastiest of souls
and before you know it
you're hitchhiking to the West
is his way


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JustDaniel
post Jul 2 17, 16:42
Post #2


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Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Greetings again, Anthony.

I find this to be an EXTREMELY interesting piece, and I want to catch more of what you are observing and painting here.

I think that this could better be accomplished if you'd give the reader some clearer direction by means of punctuation. In a few places your words seem to offer a misdirection on first read which could be prevented with just a few bits of punctuation and clarification with capitalizations (or no capitalization and the beginning of lines, unless it's a new thought).

While you consider that, do note that you have two grammatical mistakes:

L2 His sun glasses shield (s) his burning eyes ... and I think you'll find that sunglasses is one word

L4 [holes...] take (s) in spare souls,

Looking forward to an expanded insight here AND to your sharing in others' threads... as well and your responding to Eira and myself in your last post, Testament.

deLighting in your presence, Daniel sun.gif

P.S. hitchhiking is one word as well, though I think that a very small minority hyphenate it.


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Ali zonak
post Jul 2 17, 18:45
Post #3


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From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325
Real Name: Ali Zonak
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:none



QUOTE (greenwich @ Jul 2 17, 16:02 ) *
Death is a gentleman in a weathered trench coat
His sun glasses shields his burning eyes
The ample holes in his shoes
takes in spare souls,
who have wallowed
in their meths misery.
Death has no fear of subways
or crossroads
His mission is too precise,
conjurer of tricks
repenters can never work it off.
He licks his lips with each given soliloquy
Those are the tastiest of souls
and before you know it
hitch hiking to the West
is his way



Hello, Greenwich;
death had been depicted in many ways, but I like your description of the reaper; nicely done. There some grammatical errors, as in L.2, L.4, and I think those last four lines might require further clarification. Why in particular would hitchhiking to the West be his way? Enjoyed the image of Death in a trench coat shielding his burning eyes with sunglasses, etc. Quite different from other depictions of the great equalizer.
Ali


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greenwich
post Jul 4 17, 09:38
Post #4


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Posts: 256
Joined: 2-November 15
From: Croydon, Surrey
Member No.: 5,284
Real Name: Antony Glaser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy



Going West is a metaphor for death coming from an early 60s Twilight Zone episode ' The Hitchhiker ", where a lady unknown to herself had already died and whilst driving to the West being followed by the hitchhiker thumbing his way to her end destination . A further connection pictures the unexplored wilderness of 19th century USA, read as danger.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my poem . The pointers on plurals was appreciated and followed


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