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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ LAPTOP CRAPTOP

Posted by: Alan Aug 4 10, 20:21

LAPTOP CRAPTOP

Hunched over a laptop, on holiday
flickering screen and its keyboard askew,
I think I’ll have trouble having my say

But start optimistically, hooray;
zinging out messages across the blue
hunched over a laptop on holiday

Till caps lock locks on, I’m shouting away :
fat fingers flicking tiny keys; damn you.
I think I’ll have trouble having my say

When internet disconnects “Norm” they say,
all brilliance is lost, stupidity too,
hunched over a laptop on holiday

Damn touchpad is jumpy, goes its own way,
scrambling my writing, now way out of true.
I think I’ll have trouble having my say

To hell with this laptop, throw it away.
Sun, sea and sand are way overdue, not
hunched over a laptop, on holiday
having no trouble not having my say

Alan McAlpine Douglas

Posted by: JLY Aug 5 10, 06:21

Alan,

Great use of the Villanelle form and you picked a universal theme we can all identify with.

I read this through and through and I offer an alternative

Hunched over a laptop, on holiday
flickering screen, small keyboard all (?),
I think I’ll have trouble having my say

Damn touchpad is jumpy, goes its own way,
scrambling my writing, now way out of true.
scrambling my writing, words all askew (words or letters could be askew on the screen)I think I’ll have trouble having my say

Just a few thoughts that I can muster with the aid of my morning coffee.

JLY

Posted by: Alan Aug 5 10, 08:26

Dear John,

Thanks for the visit. The 'b' rhyme is blue/true/askew, so 'all' would violate !

I have never used a laptop for more than seconds, all my prejudices are thoroughly confirmed.

Have you written Vs ? they are actually huge fun, and the repeat lines mean very little work to do !

Love
Alan

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 5 10, 08:55

Hi Alan - nope - I still haven't tried to write a vanilla yet. Maybe some day!

The part I got hung up on is this:
fat fingers flicking too small keys, damn you. *Two suggestions - change that comma to either and endstop and 'Damn you!' or a semi colon...
fat fingers flicking too small keys. Damn you!
fat fingers flicking too small keys; Damn you!

One other idea is purely for rhythmic sake: perhaps changing - 'too small keys' to 'minicule keys' to eliminate the choppiness/abruptness. There are other lines where commas are used that read a little choppy hat you may want to consider smoothing out down the road.

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: heartsong7 Aug 5 10, 10:16

Hi Alan..
A totally relateable topic,
well delivered in a difficult form.
Nice work. enjoyed muchly,
Sue

Posted by: JLY Aug 5 10, 10:20

Alan,
I have written a few V's and I enjoy that form.
JLY

Posted by: Alan Aug 5 10, 10:44

Dear Lori,

Thanks for the input, I have taken most of your advice. Minuscule is a syll to far, I've used 'tiny'. Also removed some commas, how is it now ?

Love
Alan

Posted by: Alan Aug 5 10, 10:47

Dear Sue,

You are very kind, but I dispute the 'difficult' comment.

Once you get the 2 repeating lines, and enter them is as the 6th, 12th and 18th lines, and the 9th, 15th and 19th for the 2nd one, all you have to do is invent 11 more lines in A and B rhymes, where Rhymezone is a godsend !

Love
Alan

Posted by: Michelle Aug 6 10, 09:44

Hi Alan,

I like your contemporay villanelle. The topic is current and relevent.
Some of meter give me bumps, but that might just be me. I'm quite
rusty at poetry. L2 though, seems to need something. What about

flickering screen and a keyboard askew,

Take or Toss.

Also in L17, is 'not' suppose to be at the end of that line. It seems like 'overdue' should end the line.

That is all of my offering. It is good to read a villanelle again. Nice job.

my best,

Michelle