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The Time in My Life |
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Jan 22 07, 23:50
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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The Time in My Life
Once, I lived in yesterdays world, full of laughs, the future viewed as an unknown adventure. Now, I reside in today’s world, timidly facing the future with trepidation; a gentle prompt— a friendly reminder— my memory found inside reference books.
Lately, I muse at the terror of entering a world where a day becomes a minute. When a smile and the touch of a hand, comes not from a friend… but a stranger; reality a vacuum— a body a shell— a feeble heart beating away …
-------------------- This poem is copyright and the property John Macleod© 27th June 2003
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Jan 23 07, 06:57
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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John, You write about things we are all facing and questioning. We remember the laughter of our youth and the world we now live in is changing so fast, we hardly we know it.
When reading this line, I tend to come up with a different point of view....
my memory found inside reference books my mind reads it as .....
my memory lost inside reference books
Your use of the word feeble when speaking about the heart suggests that you are conveying that we are aging so fast and our future is not necessarily before us, but it is really "now".
JLY
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Jan 23 07, 18:09
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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I VERY much like this John. Below are my suggestions for tightening - remove the words between the {} (and place the then necessary commas appropriately) and use the instead of a before body Cyn QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Jan 23 07, 04:50 ) [snapback]90369[/snapback] The Time in My Life
Once, I lived in yesterdays world, full of laughs, the future {viewed as} an unknown adventure. Now, I reside in today {s world,} timidly facing the future with trepidation; a gentle prompt— a friendly reminder— my memory found inside reference books.
Lately, I muse at the terror of entering a world where a day becomes a minute. When a smile, {and} the touch of a hand, comes not from a friend… but a stranger; reality a vacuum— the body a shell— a feeble heart beating away …
-------------------- This poem is copyright and the property John Macleod© 27th June 2003
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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Jan 25 07, 14:43
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Guest
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John, you speak as though all the laughter in your life happended yesterdays and that life is too fast today, you never know what smile tommorrow might bring. Tighten it up as Cathy suggests and it will read very well, watch you punctuation, I know it gives me a hard tine too.
steve
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Jan 25 07, 20:08
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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John -- I really like this, it's something we all think about as we grow older. Not much too nit here if any --I'll offer a few thoughts ~ QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Jan 23 07, 04:50 ) [snapback]90369[/snapback] The Time in My Life
Once, I lived in yesterdays world, full of laughter, the future [viewed as] an unknown adventure. Now, I reside in today’s world, timidly facing [the future] tomorrow with trepidation; a gentle prompt— a friendly reminder— my memory [found] lost inside reference books.
[Lately] Now, I muse at the terror of entering a world where a day becomes a minute. I'm beginning to feel that way When a smile and the touch of a hand, comes not from a friend… but a stranger; reality a vacuum— a body a shell— a feeble heart beating away … Great read John Snow
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Jan 26 07, 23:03
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi, John,
You write about things we are all facing and questioning. We remember the laughter of our youth and the world we now live in is changing so fast, we hardly we know it.
When reading this line, I tend to come up with a different point of view....
my memory found inside reference books my mind reads it as .....
my memory lost inside reference books
Your use of the word feeble when speaking about the heart suggests that you are conveying that we are aging so fast and our future is not necessarily before us, but it is really "now".
Yes, John, I would never have contemplated writing a poem, as this, twenty years ago.
I'll keep in mind your advice about loss of memory.
Regards,
John
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Jan 26 07, 23:21
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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VERY much like this John. Below are my suggestions for tightening - remove the words between the {} (and place the then necessary commas appropriately) and use the instead of a before body Cyn
QUOTE(Arnfinn @ Jan 23 07, 04:50 ) * The Time in My Life
Once, I lived in yesterdays world, full of laughs, the future {viewed as} an unknown adventure. <<< hmmm...maybe. Now, I reside in today {s world,} <<< Yes I'll have to change that. timidly facing the future with trepidation; a gentle prompt— a friendly reminder— my memory found inside reference books.
Lately, I muse at the terror of entering a world where a day becomes a minute. When a smile, {and} the touch of a hand, <<< use 'and', conjunction? Seems better. comes not from a friend… but a stranger; reality a vacuum— the body a shell— <<< Reads better. a feeble heart beating away …
Hi Cyn,
Thank you for taking the time give a rundown on ideas about my poem. Your suggestions have been useful and I will keep them in mind.
Regards,
John
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Jan 26 07, 23:30
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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John, you speak as though all the laughter in your life happended yesterdays and that life is too fast today, you never know what smile tommorrow might bring. Tighten it up as Cathy suggests and it will read very well, watch you punctuation, I know it gives me a hard tine too.
Good onya Steve,
Hmmm... that's the main trouble mate, yesterday seems like yesterday, but in reality, it was a long time ago. Yeah, know about me puncho, though it's improved from what it was a few years ago. Spose ya could say: its improved with age. He he.
Regards,
John.
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Jan 26 07, 23:50
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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John -- I really like this, it's something we all think about as we grow older. Not much too nit here if any --I'll offer a few thoughts ~
QUOTE(Arnfinn @ Jan 23 07, 04:50 ) * The Time in My Life
Once, I lived in yesterdays world, full of laughter, the future [viewed as] an unknown adventure. <<< Yeah, Cyn pointed that out. Now, I reside in today’s world, timidly facing [the future] tomorrow with trepidation; <<< Hey, two futures, I didn't realise. Thanks for picking it up. a gentle prompt— a friendly reminder— my memory [found] lost inside reference books. <<< John preferred 'lost' instead of found also. What I was inferring was that reference book were my memory.
[Lately] Now, I muse at the terror of entering a world <<< Lately, yeah, better. Now 'is' this minute. where a day becomes a minute. When a smile and the touch of a hand, comes not from a friend… but a stranger; reality a vacuum— a body a shell— a feeble heart beating away …
Thank you, Snow.
You've picked up a few boo boo's.
Regards,
John
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Feb 4 07, 14:09
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi John. This is really potent stuff here! I am left feeling a bit sad at the uncertainly of the 'life' of the narrator as he ticks the minutes away. I hope that is how you intended us to feel? Enjoyed the read! ~Cleo [add] {delete} (comment) Once, I lived in yesterday[’]s world, full of laughs, the future [-] {viewed as} an unknown adventure. Now, I reside in today’s world, timidly facing the {future} [prospect] with trepidation; a gentle prompt - a friendly reminder - my memory {found} [uncovered] {inside} [within] reference books. Lately, I muse at the terror *(shift line down) *of entering a world where a day becomes a minute. When a smile and the touch of a hand{,} comes not from a friend… but a stranger; reality[,] a vacuum - a body[,] a shell - a feeble heart beating away … It would look like this without the notated bits:
Once, I lived in yesterday’s world, full of laughs, the future - an unknown adventure. Now, I reside in today’s world, timidly facing the prospect with trepidation; a gentle prompt - a friendly reminder - my memory uncovered within reference books.
Lately, I muse at the terror of entering a world where a day becomes a minute. When a smile and the touch of a hand comes not from a friend… but a stranger; reality, a vacuum - a body, a shell - a feeble heart beating away …
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Feb 4 07, 20:45
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 118
Joined: 30-November 06
From: Essex, England
Member No.: 364
Real Name: Jenni Meredith
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Jan 23 07, 04:50 ) [snapback]90369[/snapback] The Time in My Life
Once, I lived in yesterdays world, full of laughs, the future viewed as an unknown adventure. Now, I reside in today’s world, timidly facing the future with trepidation; a gentle prompt— a friendly reminder— my memory found inside reference books.
Lately, I muse at the terror of entering a world where a day becomes a minute. When a smile and the touch of a hand, comes not from a friend… but a stranger; reality a vacuum— a body a shell— a feeble heart beating away …
-------------------- This poem is copyright and the property John Macleod© 27th June 2003 hello John I enjoyed this poem. The past's future was brighter than today's future.... that's a thought we can all identify with. Is it just part of the ageing process? You have had good advice from other reviewers so I will add my four penneth though much of it has already been suggested. Once, I lived in yesterdays world, full of laugh{s}[ter], the future {viewed as} an unknown adventure. Now, I reside in today{’s world}, {timidly} facing [tomorrow] {the future} with trepidation; a gentle prompt— a friendly reminder— my memory [merely] {found inside} reference books. Lately, I muse at the terror of {entering} a world where a day becomes a minute{.}[,] Whe{n}[re] a smile and the touch of a hand, comes not from a friend… but [from] a stranger; reality a vacuum— {a}[the] body a shell— {a}[its] feeble heart [faltering]{beating away} … I hope some of my suggestions might assist? But obviously do please discard those you don't find suitable Jenni
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Feb 8 07, 02:05
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Feb 4 07, 19:09 ) [snapback]90997[/snapback] Hi John. This is really potent stuff here! I am left feeling a bit sad at the uncertainly of the 'life' of the narrator as he ticks the minutes away. I hope that is how you intended us to feel? Enjoyed the read! ~Cleo [add] {delete} (comment) Once, I lived in yesterday[’]s world, full of laughs, the future [-] {viewed as} an unknown adventure. Now, I reside in today’s world, timidly facing the {future} [prospect] with trepidation; a gentle prompt - a friendly reminder - my memory {found} [uncovered] {inside} [within] reference books. Lately, I muse at the terror *(shift line down) *of entering a world where a day becomes a minute. When a smile and the touch of a hand{,} comes not from a friend… but a stranger; reality[,] a vacuum - a body[,] a shell - a feeble heart beating away … It would look like this without the notated bits:
Once, I lived in yesterday’s world, full of laughs, the future - an unknown adventure. Now, I reside in today’s world, timidly facing the prospect with trepidation; a gentle prompt - a friendly reminder - my memory uncovered within reference books.
Lately, I muse at the terror of entering a world where a day becomes a minute. When a smile and the touch of a hand comes not from a friend… but a stranger; reality, a vacuum - a body, a shell - a feeble heart beating away …G'day, Lori, As usual you have taken the time to do a thorough job on my offering. Ha, not hard to write a poem like this, as the years pass by. Yesterday by my time-clock was 1984 n' the old days were about 1966. I hope when I reach my full dotage, one of my grandsons brings this poem to me, and after I take my time to examine it (the poem) with puzzlement I say 'What the hell's all this about.' Won't matter then. I like the way you've reproduced your thoughts with the above full revision. It makes it easier for to make the changes to the poem. Regards, John
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Feb 8 07, 03:05
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE (wordsart @ Feb 5 07, 01:45 ) [snapback]91024[/snapback] QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Jan 23 07, 04:50 ) [snapback]90369[/snapback] The Time in My Life
Once, I lived in yesterdays world, full of laughs, the future viewed as an unknown adventure. Now, I reside in today’s world, timidly facing the future with trepidation; a gentle prompt— a friendly reminder— my memory found inside reference books.
Lately, I muse at the terror of entering a world where a day becomes a minute. When a smile and the touch of a hand, comes not from a friend… but a stranger; reality a vacuum— a body a shell— a feeble heart beating away …
-------------------- This poem is copyright and the property John Macleod© 27th June 2003 hello John I enjoyed this poem. The past's future was brighter than today's future.... that's a thought we can all identify with. Is it just part of the ageing process? You have had good advice from other reviewers so I will add my four penneth though much of it has already been suggested. Once, I lived in yesterdays world, full of laugh{s}[ter], <<< Yep! I like that Jenthe future {viewed as} an unknown adventure. <<< A common deletion.Now, I reside in today{’s world}, {timidly} facing [tomorrow] {the future} with trepidation; <<< Yeah! I like facing,tomorrow, with 't'a gentle prompt— a friendly reminder— my memory [merely] {found inside} reference books. <<< ' merely's good,' Lately, I muse at the terror of {entering} a world where a day becomes a minute{.}[,] Whe{n}[re] a smile and the touch of a hand, <<< Yeah, 'when' ya kencomes not from a friend… but [from] a stranger; reality a vacuum— {a}[the] body a shell— {a}[its] feeble heart [faltering]{beating away} … <<< Gotta straighten up the couple a lines. I hope some of my suggestions might assist? But obviously do please discard those you don't find suitable Jenni Yeah, thanks a lot Jenni, I'll muuuuuuuse over ya ideas. Regards, John
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Feb 12 07, 10:16
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Feb 8 07, 02:05 ) [snapback]91135[/snapback] G'day, Lori, As usual you have taken the time to do a thorough job on my offering. Ha, not hard to write a poem like this, as the years pass by. Yesterday by my time-clock was 1984 n' the old days were about 1966. I hope when I reach my full dotage, one of my grandsons brings this poem to me, and after I take my time to examine it (the poem) with puzzlement I say 'What the hell's all this about.' Won't matter then. I like the way you've reproduced your thoughts with the above full revision. It makes it easier for to make the changes to the poem. Regards, John G'Day John.
I enjoyed your poem as it symbolizes 'life' in a unique way. It's a bit deep, but isn't most poetry we write layered in metaphor and multi-meaning?
I'm looking forward to seeing your revision.
I have to give kudos to Cathy and Nina for the tips on posting the suggestions - I do not often do that, but once in a while I do.
Take care cobber! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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