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> The Time in My Life
Arnfinn
post Jan 22 07, 23:50
Post #1


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The Time in My Life


Once, I lived in yesterdays world,
full of laughs,
the future viewed as an unknown adventure.
Now, I reside in today’s world,
timidly facing the future with trepidation;
a gentle prompt—
a friendly reminder—
my memory found inside reference books.

Lately, I muse at the terror of entering a world
where a day becomes a minute.
When a smile and the touch of a hand,
comes not from a friend… but a stranger;
reality a vacuum—
a body a shell—
a feeble heart beating away …

--------------------
This poem is copyright and the property
John Macleod© 27th June 2003


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Arnfinn

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JLY
post Jan 23 07, 06:57
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John,
You write about things we are all facing and questioning. We remember the laughter of our youth and the world we now live in is changing so fast, we hardly we know it.

When reading this line, I tend to come up with a different point of view....

my memory found inside reference books my mind reads it as .....

my memory lost inside reference books

Your use of the word feeble when speaking about the heart suggests that you are conveying that we are aging so fast and our future is not necessarily before us, but it is really "now".

JLY


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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

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Cyn
post Jan 23 07, 18:09
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I VERY much like this John.
Below are my suggestions for tightening - remove the words between the {} (and place the then necessary commas appropriately)
and use the instead of a before body
Cyn

QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Jan 23 07, 04:50 ) [snapback]90369[/snapback]
The Time in My Life


Once, I lived in yesterdays world,
full of laughs,
the future {viewed as} an unknown adventure.
Now, I reside in today {s world,}
timidly facing the future with trepidation;
a gentle prompt—
a friendly reminder—
my memory found inside reference books.

Lately, I muse at the terror of entering a world
where a day becomes a minute.
When a smile, {and} the touch of a hand,
comes not from a friend… but a stranger;
reality a vacuum—
the body a shell—
a feeble heart beating away …

--------------------
This poem is copyright and the property
John Macleod© 27th June 2003


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Cynthia Neely

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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jan 25 07, 14:43
Post #4





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John, you speak as though all the laughter in your life happended yesterdays and that life is too fast today, you never know what smile tommorrow might bring. Tighten it up as Cathy suggests and it will read very well, watch you punctuation, I know it gives me a hard tine too.

steve
 
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Eisa
post Jan 25 07, 20:08
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John -- I really like this, it's something we all think about as we grow older.
Not much too nit here if any --I'll offer a few thoughts ~

QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Jan 23 07, 04:50 ) [snapback]90369[/snapback]
The Time in My Life


Once, I lived in yesterdays world,
full of laughter,
the future [viewed as] an unknown adventure.
Now, I reside in today’s world,
timidly facing [the future] tomorrow with trepidation;
a gentle prompt—
a friendly reminder—
my memory [found] lost inside reference books.

[Lately] Now, I muse at the terror of entering a world
where a day becomes a minute.
I'm beginning to feel that way
When a smile and the touch of a hand,
comes not from a friend… but a stranger;
reality a vacuum—
a body a shell—
a feeble heart beating away …


Great read John

Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Arnfinn
post Jan 26 07, 23:03
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Hi, John,


You write about things we are all facing and questioning. We remember the laughter of our youth and the world we now live in is changing so fast, we hardly we know it.

When reading this line, I tend to come up with a different point of view....

my memory found inside reference books my mind reads it as .....

my memory lost inside reference books

Your use of the word feeble when speaking about the heart suggests that you are conveying that we are aging so fast and our future is not necessarily before us, but it is really "now".


Yes, John, I would never have contemplated writing a poem, as this, twenty years ago.

I'll keep in mind your advice about loss of memory.


Regards,


John


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Arnfinn
post Jan 26 07, 23:21
Post #7


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VERY much like this John.
Below are my suggestions for tightening - remove the words between the {} (and place the then necessary commas appropriately)
and use the instead of a before body
Cyn

QUOTE(Arnfinn @ Jan 23 07, 04:50 ) *
The Time in My Life


Once, I lived in yesterdays world,
full of laughs,
the future {viewed as} an unknown adventure. <<< hmmm...maybe.
Now, I reside in today {s world,} <<< Yes I'll have to change that.
timidly facing the future with trepidation;
a gentle prompt—
a friendly reminder—
my memory found inside reference books.

Lately, I muse at the terror of entering a world
where a day becomes a minute.
When a smile, {and} the touch of a hand, <<< use 'and', conjunction? Seems better.
comes not from a friend… but a stranger;
reality a vacuum—
the body a shell— <<< Reads better.
a feeble heart beating away …



Hi Cyn,

Thank you for taking the time give a rundown on ideas about my poem.
Your suggestions have been useful and I will keep them in mind.


Regards,


John


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Arnfinn
post Jan 26 07, 23:30
Post #8


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John, you speak as though all the laughter in your life happended yesterdays and that life is too fast today, you never know what smile tommorrow might bring. Tighten it up as Cathy suggests and it will read very well, watch you punctuation, I know it gives me a hard tine too.


Good onya Steve,

Hmmm... that's the main trouble mate, yesterday seems like yesterday, but in reality, it was a long time ago.
Yeah, know about me puncho, though it's improved from what it was a few years ago. Spose ya could say: its improved with age. He he.


Regards,


John.


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Arnfinn
post Jan 26 07, 23:50
Post #9


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John -- I really like this, it's something we all think about as we grow older.
Not much too nit here if any --I'll offer a few thoughts ~

QUOTE(Arnfinn @ Jan 23 07, 04:50 ) *
The Time in My Life


Once, I lived in yesterdays world,
full of laughter,
the future [viewed as] an unknown adventure. <<< Yeah, Cyn pointed that out.
Now, I reside in today’s world,
timidly facing [the future] tomorrow with trepidation; <<< Hey, two futures, I didn't realise. Thanks for picking it up.
a gentle prompt—
a friendly reminder—
my memory [found] lost inside reference books. <<< John preferred 'lost' instead of found also. What I was inferring was that reference book were my memory.

[Lately] Now, I muse at the terror of entering a world <<< Lately, yeah, better. Now 'is' this minute.
where a day becomes a minute.
When a smile and the touch of a hand,
comes not from a friend… but a stranger;
reality a vacuum—
a body a shell—
a feeble heart beating away …

Thank you, Snow.

You've picked up a few boo boo's.

Regards,


John


·······IPB·······

Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Cleo_Serapis
post Feb 4 07, 14:09
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi John. troy.gif

This is really potent stuff here! chinchilla.gif

I am left feeling a bit sad at the uncertainly of the 'life' of the narrator as he ticks the minutes away. I hope that is how you intended us to feel?

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo StarWars3.gif

[add] {delete} (comment)

Once, I lived in yesterday[’]s world,
full of laughs,
the future [-] {viewed as} an unknown adventure.
Now, I reside in today’s world,
timidly facing the {future} [prospect] with trepidation;
a gentle prompt -
a friendly reminder -
my memory {found} [uncovered] {inside} [within] reference books.

Lately, I muse at the terror *(shift line down)
*of entering a world
where a day becomes a minute.
When a smile and the touch of a hand{,}
comes not from a friend… but a stranger;
reality[,] a vacuum -
a body[,] a shell -
a feeble heart beating away …

It would look like this without the notated bits:

Once, I lived in yesterday’s world,
full of laughs,
the future - an unknown adventure.
Now, I reside in today’s world,
timidly facing the prospect with trepidation;
a gentle prompt -
a friendly reminder -
my memory uncovered within reference books.

Lately, I muse at the terror
of entering a world
where a day becomes a minute.
When a smile and the touch of a hand
comes not from a friend… but a stranger;
reality, a vacuum -
a body, a shell -
a feeble heart beating away …


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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wordsart
post Feb 4 07, 20:45
Post #11


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Member No.: 364
Real Name: Jenni Meredith
Writer of: Poetry & Prose



QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Jan 23 07, 04:50 ) [snapback]90369[/snapback]
The Time in My Life


Once, I lived in yesterdays world,
full of laughs,
the future viewed as an unknown adventure.
Now, I reside in today’s world,
timidly facing the future with trepidation;
a gentle prompt—
a friendly reminder—
my memory found inside reference books.

Lately, I muse at the terror of entering a world
where a day becomes a minute.
When a smile and the touch of a hand,
comes not from a friend… but a stranger;
reality a vacuum—
a body a shell—
a feeble heart beating away …

--------------------
This poem is copyright and the property
John Macleod© 27th June 2003


hello John

I enjoyed this poem. The past's future was brighter than today's future.... that's a thought we can all identify with. Is it just part of the ageing process?

You have had good advice from other reviewers so I will add my four penneth though much of it has already been suggested.


Once, I lived in yesterdays world,
full of laugh{s}[ter],
the future {viewed as} an unknown adventure.
Now, I reside in today{’s world},
{timidly} facing [tomorrow] {the future} with trepidation;
a gentle prompt—
a friendly reminder—
my memory [merely] {found inside} reference books.

Lately, I muse at the terror of {entering} a world
where a day becomes a minute{.}[,]
Whe{n}[re] a smile and the touch of a hand,
comes not from a friend… but [from] a stranger;
reality a vacuum—
{a}[the] body a shell—
{a}[its] feeble heart [faltering]{beating away} …

I hope some of my suggestions might assist?

But obviously do please discard those you don't find suitable

smile.gif Jenni
 
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Arnfinn
post Feb 8 07, 02:05
Post #12


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From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry



QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Feb 4 07, 19:09 ) [snapback]90997[/snapback]
Hi John. troy.gif

This is really potent stuff here! chinchilla.gif

I am left feeling a bit sad at the uncertainly of the 'life' of the narrator as he ticks the minutes away. I hope that is how you intended us to feel?

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo StarWars3.gif

[add] {delete} (comment)

Once, I lived in yesterday[’]s world,
full of laughs,
the future [-] {viewed as} an unknown adventure.
Now, I reside in today’s world,
timidly facing the {future} [prospect] with trepidation;
a gentle prompt -
a friendly reminder -
my memory {found} [uncovered] {inside} [within] reference books.

Lately, I muse at the terror *(shift line down)
*of entering a world
where a day becomes a minute.
When a smile and the touch of a hand{,}
comes not from a friend… but a stranger;
reality[,] a vacuum -
a body[,] a shell -
a feeble heart beating away …

It would look like this without the notated bits:

Once, I lived in yesterday’s world,
full of laughs,
the future - an unknown adventure.
Now, I reside in today’s world,
timidly facing the prospect with trepidation;
a gentle prompt -
a friendly reminder -
my memory uncovered within reference books.

Lately, I muse at the terror
of entering a world
where a day becomes a minute.
When a smile and the touch of a hand
comes not from a friend… but a stranger;
reality, a vacuum -
a body, a shell -
a feeble heart beating away …



G'day, Lori,

As usual you have taken the time to do a thorough job on my offering. mickeymouse.gif

Ha, not hard to write a poem like this, as the years pass by. Yesterday by my time-clock was 1984 n' the old days were about 1966. gandalfg.gif

I hope when I reach my full dotage, gandalfg.gif one of my grandsons brings this poem to me, and after I take my time to examine it (the poem) with puzzlement I say 'What the hell's all this about.' Jester.gif

Won't matter then. irish.gif

I like the way you've reproduced your thoughts with the above full revision. It makes it easier for to make the changes to the poem.

Regards,

John troy.gif gardener.gif


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Arnfinn
post Feb 8 07, 03:05
Post #13


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From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry



QUOTE (wordsart @ Feb 5 07, 01:45 ) [snapback]91024[/snapback]
QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Jan 23 07, 04:50 ) [snapback]90369[/snapback]
The Time in My Life


Once, I lived in yesterdays world,
full of laughs,
the future viewed as an unknown adventure.
Now, I reside in today’s world,
timidly facing the future with trepidation;
a gentle prompt—
a friendly reminder—
my memory found inside reference books.

Lately, I muse at the terror of entering a world
where a day becomes a minute.
When a smile and the touch of a hand,
comes not from a friend… but a stranger;
reality a vacuum—
a body a shell—
a feeble heart beating away …

--------------------
This poem is copyright and the property
John Macleod© 27th June 2003


hello John

I enjoyed this poem. The past's future was brighter than today's future.... that's a thought we can all identify with. Is it just part of the ageing process?

You have had good advice from other reviewers so I will add my four penneth though much of it has already been suggested.


Once, I lived in yesterdays world,
full of laugh{s}[ter], <<< Yep! I like that Jen
the future {viewed as} an unknown adventure. <<< A common deletion.
Now, I reside in today{’s world},
{timidly} facing [tomorrow] {the future} with trepidation; <<< Yeah! I like facing,tomorrow, with 't'
a gentle prompt—
a friendly reminder—
my memory [merely] {found inside} reference books. <<< 'merely's good,' Speechless.gif

Lately, I muse at the terror of {entering} a world
where a day becomes a minute{.}[,]
Whe{n}[re] a smile and the touch of a hand, <<< Yeah, 'when' ya ken
comes not from a friend… but [from] a stranger;
reality a vacuum—
{a}[the] body a shell—
{a}[its] feeble heart [faltering]{beating away} … <<< Gotta straighten up the couple a lines.

I hope some of my suggestions might assist?

But obviously do please discard those you don't find suitable

smile.gif Jenni



Yeah, thanks a lot Jenni, I'll muuuuuuuse over ya ideas. privateeye.gif


Regards,


John gardener.gif troy.gif


·······IPB·······

Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Feb 12 07, 10:16
Post #14


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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



QUOTE (Arnfinn @ Feb 8 07, 02:05 ) [snapback]91135[/snapback]
G'day, Lori,

As usual you have taken the time to do a thorough job on my offering. mickeymouse.gif

Ha, not hard to write a poem like this, as the years pass by. Yesterday by my time-clock was 1984 n' the old days were about 1966. gandalfg.gif

I hope when I reach my full dotage, gandalfg.gif one of my grandsons brings this poem to me, and after I take my time to examine it (the poem) with puzzlement I say 'What the hell's all this about.' Jester.gif

Won't matter then. irish.gif

I like the way you've reproduced your thoughts with the above full revision. It makes it easier for to make the changes to the poem.

Regards,

John troy.gif gardener.gif


G'Day John. troy.gif

I enjoyed your poem as it symbolizes 'life' in a unique way. It's a bit deep, but isn't most poetry we write layered in metaphor and multi-meaning?

I'm looking forward to seeing your revision. Read.gif

I have to give kudos cheer.gif to Cathy and Nina for the tips on posting the suggestions - I do not often do that, but once in a while I do. privateeye.gif

Take care cobber!
~Cleo minniemouse.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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