ASYLUM, Wizard and Faery Award Winner Options

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Faery Award Winner

Celtic Castle Designs


*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

ASYLUM

~version 1~

Decay bleeds through
cheap white emulsion.

Rat-infested
tower blocks
condemned
refugee with
graffiti.

Swastikas
prelude madness.



~version 2~

Condemned
rat infested
tower blocks.

Decay bleeds through
cheap white emulsion
damning refugees
in graffiti.

Swastikas
prelude madness.

© Toumai, 2005

With many thanks to everyone and especially Grace for suggestions.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Your poem captures exactly the thoughts that were  my mind yesterday - how refugees are treated very badly in this country, worse than criminals.  My colleague and I were doing a booktalk at a school and one of the books she brought along was Ruby Tanya by Robert Swindells which is all about the treatment and attitudes of asylum seekers.

My only query on your poem is:

tower blocks
condemned
refugee with
graffiti.

I am not sure too what you mean here and I need a bit of clarification please.  Do you mean the tower blocks are condemned or that the graffiti scrawled on the tower blocks condemns the refugees.  If it is the later then I think it would make more sense as:

tower blocks
condemn
refugee with
grafitti.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

I was indeed thinking that for some refugees it must feel like going from one hell to another.

tower blocks
condemned
refugee with
graffiti.

I think I was trying to wring as many possibilities out of this as I could, and you have grasped my intent very well: the tower blocks are condemmed, or they have condemmed the refugee to misery and persecution, or your other suggestion that it is the grafiti which condems.  All are valid. But, yes, the wording would be better changed for the third meaning. Hmm ...

Many thanks,
Fran

[Guest_JohnK_*]

Fran, I love it.  Stark and spare, it conveys the horror of the subject unequivocally.

I wish I could think of something to suggest, but I can't.  Thank you.

Good night,

John

[Cybele]

Hello Fran,

This is a very moving and emotive piece. I have noted the query on the word condemned and your answer that the word is all-embracing.

Decay bleeds through
cheap white emulsion.
Rat-infested
tower blocks
condemned
refugee with
graffiti.
Swastikas
prelude madness.


May I make a tentative suggestion? Perhaps a little re-organisation of the lines. Please ignore if you choose to.

Condemned,
rat infested
tower blocks.
Decay bleeds through
cheap white emulsion.
damning refugees with
graffiti.

Swastikas
prelude madness.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Dear Grace,  

Of course you make make a suggestion, and it is very useful indeed: making me think. I am still trying to get my head around my original implications - may be a while before I come to any conclusions.  

Many, many thanks,
Fran

[Psyche]

ASYLUM

Decay bleeds through
cheap white emulsion.
Rat-infested
tower blocks
condemned
refugee with
graffiti.
Swastikas
prelude madness.

© Toumai, 2005

Hi Fran !
This is excellent. You have used a few, well-chosen words to paint a picture of alienation, marginality, racism.

Decay bleeds through
cheap white emulsion.

I'm especially impressed with your use of the word "bleeds" in this context. The sadness implicit in these contrasts in the context of your description... the red and the white that could, under other circumstances, be something bright and cheerful, like flowers or plummaged birds, but here convey the idea of dismal, despairing existences behind those cracking, cheap walls.

I like Grace's rearrangement too, but either way your poem reads very well, to my ears. The inclusion of the swastikas reminds me of Nina's poem on Auschwitz and the sad fact that that horrendous insignia still survives in pockets of hatred, often composed of  young people. How can that be?

The asylum issue is so terribly complex. I believe the ideal way to deal with it would be to resolve the problems in the countries of origin, but then we have people like Bush making things even worse by trying to impose "democracy" by force, as if the end justified the means.

I liken these issues to the riddle of the sphynx, in Oedipus. The paradox is that by resolving the riddle of existence, nothing good happened to poor old Oedipus.... so where does that leave us?  :ghostface:

Your poem has moved me to think about a lot of things !! Thank you for that, best,
Psyche

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Psyche,

Thank you for visiting another of my cheerful visions.  

The colours are indeed important. I wanted to try to capture something of the hatred (I'm not obsessive, am I?) breaking thru our veneer of "white" western "civilization": the dirty secrets of racism lurking beneath the surface - the heady mixture of impoverished youth that supports the BNP (British National Party) - the cheap white emulsion.

I agree that the issues of asylum are immensely complex. Unfortunately our greed (and here I mean of all imperial powers) in the past - when we kept colonies and slaves - have left a legacy of trouble, exacerbated by artificial trade conditions that favour the "big" powers still further.

There will certainly be no easy answers, but that doesn't mean that we should let our politicians forget the issues or brush them under the carpet.

Poetry and politics?  :pharoah2

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

I cannot decide how any 'final version' will be, so now there are two posted and at some time in the future (if this gets used for anything) I will have to toss a coin I suppose.  The line break separating the last sentance is very effective (thanks, Grace) so both versions now have that.

Many thanks, everyone.
Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Mornin' Fran,

Version One has my vote.

It is a much more powerful (and original) start.

Packs a real UMPH!

Cheerio,

James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Thanks, James.

You have been a great help - as always.  :angel:

(Gosh, no other votes, please, or I'll have to set up some of Cleo's wonderful little voting buttons and then run away and hide  :jester: )

Many thanks and best wishes to all,
Fran

[Ephiny]

Hello Fran

I love this..in just a few words, you've relayed a really powerful message and shown us a very stark scene which unfortunately, is very real for a lot of people.  I love the title as well..full of irony really.

Swastikas
prelude madness.  This is great..I see it as a warning really, and as indeed is the case with the whole scene you describe, history can repeat itself so easily.

Great work

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Lucie,  

Thank you very much for your comments.

Yes, when swastikas are daubed on walls it means the fascists have arrived - a mad deluded group - and they will drive their victims into despair - another madness.

Fran

[Cleo_Serapis]

HI Fran.  :sauron:

A powerful piece is so few words...

I have a question on your word choice of 'blocks'. I do not understand this one? Do you mean blocks as in hides? If so, then I feel you need to answer the question as to what does the tower block? If it is a contunuing thought to the condemned refugees then I would eliminate the endstop there....

Condemned
rat infested
tower blocks.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran, Lori.

Lori...

Tower blocks are tall blocks of flats. I think in the USA they may be called "Apartment Blocks" or "skyscrapers". They were erected in great numbers in the 1960s and many turned into slums very quickly. They are being demolished whenever possible - though many remain. They might be (say) fourteen to twenty stories high and rectangular-shaped. Many were used simply as cheap state-provided housing for poorer people under a mass housing policy which has been discredited.

James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,
Thanks for explaining that so clearly.

Hi Lori,
I hope that makes a bit more sense with the double meaning elucidated.

Fran

[Cleo_Serapis]

Oh yes!

Thank you both.

I think this one should receive a Faery Award....

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cleo,

I'm deeply honoured to have that nomination suggested. Thanks.

Fran

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi John (K),

I was reading back thru the crits and I realised you left a lovely comment to show you had read "Assylum" and I had completely missed it! So many apologies for my rudeness - it was entirely accidental.  

Belatedly - many thanks.  

Fran

[Guest_jayjay_*]

Hi, Fran.  This is a powerful little poem whichever version you choose.  

'Swastikas
prelude madness'  is a terse, taut and concentrated idea in three words- brilliant.

I think we could be writing on this subject for quite a while.

A little tower of compassion in troubled times.

JJ