Untitled-Temporary Revisions 10/20/06, Wizard Award ~ 02/99 Options

[AMETHYST]

~~~~~~fourth revision~~~~~~~~

There's a crack

in the asphalt

outside her Brooklyn stoop

that is haunting.

They've grown together
over the years broader,

deeper,

darker,

like the neighborhood;

its presence breathes

despair.

Emptiness resides
inside her...
blackness grows,

slowly,

persistently

and she wonders
if in time, it might swallow
her whole,
or the desparation for change
chase her
into a brighter
tomorrow.

~~~~~Revised 10/10/06~~~~~~~TY Lori and Everyone

There’s a crack

… in the asphalt

just outside her Brooklyn stoop.

It is as old as she.


They’ve grown together

over the years

broader,

deeper,

more noticable.

She believes

her importance,

much like the crevice

is obscure;

while overlooked,

they can swallow the world whole...

with smaller bites.

~~~~~Revised 10/8/06~~~~~~

There’s a crack
… in the asphalt
just outside her Brooklyn stoop.

It is as old as she,
and they’ve grown together,
over the years
broader, deeper
more noticable.

She believes
her importance
much like the crevice
is obscure;
but overlooked,
they can swallow the world
whole by taken
little bites.


~~~~~Original~~~~~~~~~~

There’s a crack
… in the asphalt
just outside her Brooklyn stoop.

It is as old as she,
And they’ve grown together,
over the years
wider,
…deeper
more hopeful.

She knows,
like
a gaping crown
she can swallow the world
whole.

Yet she’s learned
by its patience,
to just take little
bites.

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jan 28 07, 16:14

[Arnfinn]

Hi, Liz,

I've read this three times. I didn't take a print out to study.


There’s a crack
… in the asphalt
just outside her Brooklyn stoop.<<< I havent got a Websters, I took 'stoop' to mean- dive. 'crack'- fault?

It is as old as she,
And they’ve grown together,
over the years
wider,
…deeper
more hopeful.<<< That's what wrong with the world. It will get better?

She knows,
like
a gaping crown
she can swallow the world
whole.<<< gaping crown? swallow the world?

Yet she’s learned
by its patience,
to just take little
bites.<<< she's learned by patience?

Liz, ya got me baffled, please, someone help me?


I wait with bated breath.





John

[AMETHYST]

Hi, Liz,

I've read this three times. I didn't take a print out to study.

Hi John,

Let's see if I clear up some things for ya...

Hugs, Liz


There’s a crack
… in the asphalt
just outside her Brooklyn stoop.<<< I havent got a Websters, I took 'stoop' to mean- dive. 'crack'- fault?
[b] A stoop is the stairs infront of a house... with a short landing at the door.

It is as old as she,
And they’ve grown together,
over the years
wider,
…deeper
more hopeful.<<< That's what wrong with the world. It will get better?

Yes, I should hope it does, although I haven't seen much hope over the past twenty years...

She knows,
like
a gaping crown
she can swallow the world
whole.<<< gaping crown? swallow the world?

Gaping crown ... I used crown as a dual intention, but the meaning...
Dictionary.com

38. to be at the top or highest part of.
41. to give to (a construction) an upper surface of convex section or outline.

Yet she’s learned
by its patience,
to just take little
bites.<<< she's learned by patience?

It takes years to slowly become something of substance. It takes patience to wait nature's natural course to shape something (someone) into what they will be... instead of racing into change and creating change, slowly take reshape things in small amounts (take little bites) not to hurry things, small bites will eventually bring about substantial change...

There are also layered meanings within this poem ... and I don;t want so early on to reveal all of the poem... I hope this clears some of your confusion...

Liz, ya got me baffled, please, someone help me?


I wait with bated breath.





John

Thanks John, It was one of my more metaphorical poems. I don't normally write in this style often but it has its potential...

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

There’s a crack
… in the asphalt Hi Liz why the little dots and not just a comma or a semicolon after the first line, I mean it works but is it necessary?
just outside her Brooklyn stoop.

It is as old as she,
And they’ve grown together,must be one big crack,,,lol
over the years
wider,
…deeper
more hopeful. can a crack be hopefull?

She knows,
like
a gaping crown a gaping mouth insead of crown?
she can swallow the world
whole.

Yet she’s learned
by its patience,
to just take little
bites.

these are just my thoughts use them or lose them Liz, it was a interesting piece.

[Psyche]

Hi Liz !

Mmmm.... I love metaphorical work, so I'd be very cautious about changing anything that has special meaning to you. I've read this over thrice, plus your explanations, so that's been very helpful.
I like your switch to this style of poetry, Liz.
Changes are always good for the spirit! One should go on re-inventing oneself as long as possible...

I'll make very few suggestions, to take or toss, Liz... :dance:

There’s a crack
… in the asphalt
just outside her Brooklyn stoop. Great first stanza!!

It is It's as old as she,
And and they’ve grown together,
over the years
wider,
…deeper,
more hopeful. Very significant, deftly handled, Liz.

She knows,
like
a gaping crown I understand "crown" because of your explanation, otherwise it makes me think of teeth...haha...

she can swallow the world
whole. The idea in this stanza is brilliant.

Yet she’s learned
by its patience,
to just take little
bites.
I know your meaning, Liz, but somehow I can't visualize the "gaping crown" being patient... perhaps you could change the word patience to another one, something like "endurance".... well, don't worry about me, just ideas, Liz.
The finale is excellent all the same.

This poem contains profound meaning, as well as an original style, which I wouldn't change at all, not I !!

Hugs,
Sylvia

[azurepoetry]

Hey Liz,

Too many questions for you today and not many (helpful) answers....

There's a crack
...in the asphalt
just outside her Brooklyn stoop. ---i take it the elipsis is a means at playing with the crack metaphor. There's a crack is really there are two cracks, one is in the ashpalt outside her stoop. Wow. i forgot about that meaning. Usually when i hear stoop, it's a PG-13 to Rated-R conversation, if you know what i mean?!
i

It is as old as she,
And they've grown together, ---so much for planting trees with children's birth. Now it's deconstruction.
over the years
wider,
...deeper ---i play on the growing spurts of the crack and the woman. Woman and crack also puts me in the wrong frame of mind. What's going on here? Maybe you want some elipsis before wider and more before deeper if S2 is functioning somewhat in the concrete realm.
more hopeful. ---i dunno about 'hopeful'. Accepting maybe, but not hopeful.

She knows,
like a gaping crown ---bring S3 up to S2, imo.
she can swallow the world ---okay, gaping and crown with swallow and the focus of the last stanza shifts to the woman, teeth are going to be assumed. Somehow i thought there was a parallel to the metonymy of 'crown' as in sovereignty or government and i shifted into politics. i think you're refering to the crown on the noggin' being open to swallow or absorb all there is. So what's causing the crack in the woman? Why? The play within a play needs to be linked a little stronger otherwise readers aren't going to get it. i didn't and it took me three or four reads and your comments to go beyond my limitations set up by the poem itself. If i'm right, you also don't want to think the woman has a head injury...
whole.

Yet she's learned
by its patience, ---whose patience? The stoops, the crack in the stoop, the gaping crown, the whole world that can be swallowed?
to just take little
bites. ---your dentist will be happier this way. Seriously, how does a crack in the stoop learn patience? Little bits of concrete are taken out in time through erosion, esp. since the crack is exposed to the elements. Where is the lesson of the stairs-to-mouth-to-wisdom metaphor. i can see playing on wisdom teeth and learning to chew differently if they crack or get a crown that cracks, but i can't get the link to the stoop, unless....(just had a moment) you're talking about taking careful, smaller steps around the crack which creates patience. Then you really can't personify the stoop, the stoop doesn't gain wisdom, people walking around it gain that lesson. The crack is just a reminder to slow down while hustling out the door. Besides, the crack in the stoop is suppose to be replaced should be replaced, not 'invoked'.

So, ultimately if i misinterpretated the metaphors, then you can disregard this whole thing, except the part that i, who loves metaphor, could'nt get a handle on this poem either. Either way, i vote for a revamp that clarifies the message we all may be overlooking, or you may need to rethink what it is your going after and how you want the crack, mouth, mind connection to work. i do like the idea i think the crack boarders on zen (Brooklyn Zen...a new school opening up soon, come ingest sushi and hip-hop in the birthplace of rap...check your listings for locale details....). Sorry to be short. i'm still getting over a cold. Think on this and reply and we can go from there. i'm interested.

~tim

[AMETHYST]

Hi Steve,

Thank you for your stopping in and your thoughts, I will keep them in mind on any revision to follow.

Best Regards, Liz

There’s a crack
… in the asphalt Hi Liz why the little dots and not just a comma or a semicolon after the first line, I mean it works but is it necessary?
just outside her Brooklyn stoop.

It is as old as she,
And they’ve grown together,must be one big crack,,,lol
over the years
wider,
…deeper
more hopeful. can a crack be hopefull?

She knows,
like
a gaping crown a gaping mouth insead of crown?
she can swallow the world
whole.

Yet she’s learned
by its patience,
to just take little
bites.

these are just my thoughts use them or lose them Liz, it was a interesting piece.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz !

Mmmm.... I love metaphorical work, so I'd be very cautious about changing anything that has special meaning to you. I've read this over thrice, plus your explanations, so that's been very helpful.
I like your switch to this style of poetry, Liz.
Changes are always good for the spirit! One should go on re-inventing oneself as long as possible...


Hi Sylvia,

I also love metaphorical poetry, something that makes me think, relate and then sit in the profound thought of how things connect--However, this I think goes beyond what I remember I was thinking when I wrote it. I wrote this back in 1999, and I know I was thinking about a pot hole (in NY that is what we call craters in the roadway...) and how it, like the neighborhood and like within the narrator's spirit from being surrounded by negativity was being eaten up in the blackness of nothingness... a gaping hole inside and out. Wasn't sure where I was actually going with the rest now that I really think about it. I suppose it was written too long ago and my mind doesn't have such profound ideas as it use to. My writer's block has got me completely empty headed... could be the Fibro bout, hasn't left yet and it is so exhausting...

By the way, thank you for the Article! I will be seeing my doctor this week and will be looking into some of that...


I'll make very few suggestions, to take or toss, Liz... :dance:

There’s a crack
… in the asphalt
just outside her Brooklyn stoop. Great first stanza!!

Thank you! This is what I had started with and it made sense! LOL

It is It's as old as she,
And and they’ve grown together,
over the years
wider,
…deeper,
more hopeful. Very significant, deftly handled, Liz.


Again thank you. Just after this it gets a little iffy. No, actually a lot iffy! LOL



She knows,
like
a gaping crown I understand "crown" because of your explanation, otherwise it makes me think of teeth...haha...


When I used it back then, I had found a dictionary that also had a definition of 'the edging of a hole.

she can swallow the world
whole. The idea in this stanza is brilliant.

Yes, thanks again... I wanted to show how darker and harder she got the more she could take on ...

Yet she’s learned
by its patience,
to just take little
bites.
I know your meaning, Liz, but somehow I can't visualize the "gaping crown" being patient... perhaps you could change the word patience to another one, something like "endurance".... well, don't worry about me, just ideas, Liz.
The finale is excellent all the same.

After reading Tim's critique, I have been putting much thought into reworking this out almost completely, of course the strong lines will remain, but other lines and choice words will be replaced to enhance them.

:) I should leave my very old stuff, stuffed in the drawer or computer files... LOL



This poem contains profound meaning, as well as an original style, which I wouldn't change at all, not I

Hugs,
Sylvia

Big Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hiya Tim,

Glad you happened in here... Yes, it isn't you and no reader should ever have to put that much analysis into a poem. If a poem needs such explaining the poet has not done their job right... in this case, it is me and this poem is certainly not doing what I intended it to. Unfortunately, I wrote it so long ago that I don't really remember what metaphors I was intending. Ironically, I do remember it being vivid and clear back then.

First let me thank you for the fullness in your feedback. You've unveiled lots of area's that I need to reconsider. This is a oldie poem and I didn't realize how obscure it was.

I wanted to compare the growing gaping hole in the road outside her front door, to the growing darkness in the community, that also is growing tougher in her spirit, and as the hole becomes more apparent, so does she become more in control over her destiny...

This is what I need to rework...

I have printed out your feedback as well as Sylvia's and will start from there...

Thank you for the depth, time and efforts you've put into this... I hope to repay you with a very strong and considerable revision! Because you've given me excellent food for thought.


Hugs, Liz

Hey Liz,

Too many questions for you today and not many (helpful) answers....

There's a crack
...in the asphalt
just outside her Brooklyn stoop. ---i take it the elipsis is a means at playing with the crack metaphor. There's a crack is really there are two cracks, one is in the ashpalt outside her stoop. Wow. i forgot about that meaning. Usually when i hear stoop, it's a PG-13 to Rated-R conversation, if you know what i mean?!
i

It is as old as she,
And they've grown together, ---so much for planting trees with children's birth. Now it's deconstruction.
over the years
wider,
...deeper ---i play on the growing spurts of the crack and the woman. Woman and crack also puts me in the wrong frame of mind. What's going on here? Maybe you want some elipsis before wider and more before deeper if S2 is functioning somewhat in the concrete realm.
more hopeful. ---i dunno about 'hopeful'. Accepting maybe, but not hopeful.

She knows,
like a gaping crown ---bring S3 up to S2, imo.
she can swallow the world ---okay, gaping and crown with swallow and the focus of the last stanza shifts to the woman, teeth are going to be assumed. Somehow i thought there was a parallel to the metonymy of 'crown' as in sovereignty or government and i shifted into politics. i think you're refering to the crown on the noggin' being open to swallow or absorb all there is. So what's causing the crack in the woman? Why? The play within a play needs to be linked a little stronger otherwise readers aren't going to get it. i didn't and it took me three or four reads and your comments to go beyond my limitations set up by the poem itself. If i'm right, you also don't want to think the woman has a head injury...
whole.

Yet she's learned
by its patience, ---whose patience? The stoops, the crack in the stoop, the gaping crown, the whole world that can be swallowed?
to just take little
bites. ---your dentist will be happier this way. Seriously, how does a crack in the stoop learn patience? Little bits of concrete are taken out in time through erosion, esp. since the crack is exposed to the elements. Where is the lesson of the stairs-to-mouth-to-wisdom metaphor. i can see playing on wisdom teeth and learning to chew differently if they crack or get a crown that cracks, but i can't get the link to the stoop, unless....(just had a moment) you're talking about taking careful, smaller steps around the crack which creates patience. Then you really can't personify the stoop, the stoop doesn't gain wisdom, people walking around it gain that lesson. The crack is just a reminder to slow down while hustling out the door. Besides, the crack in the stoop is suppose to be replaced should be replaced, not 'invoked'.

So, ultimately if i misinterpretated the metaphors, then you can disregard this whole thing, except the part that i, who loves metaphor, could'nt get a handle on this poem either. Either way, i vote for a revamp that clarifies the message we all may be overlooking, or you may need to rethink what it is your going after and how you want the crack, mouth, mind connection to work. i do like the idea i think the crack boarders on zen (Brooklyn Zen...a new school opening up soon, come ingest sushi and hip-hop in the birthplace of rap...check your listings for locale details....). Sorry to be short. i'm still getting over a cold. Think on this and reply and we can go from there. i'm interested.

~tim

[azurepoetry]

Hey Liz,

At the risk of beating a dead horse (since you already mentioned that you'll be looking at this), i wanted to come back and offer you more.

I wanted to compare the growing gaping hole in the road outside her front door, to the growing darkness in the community, that also is growing tougher in her spirit, and as the hole becomes more apparent, so does she become more in control over her destiny...

After reading your intent, i like where this poem is trying to go to, yet i think that 'darkness' is too vague a word for an explanation let alone the tenor to a metaphor. i think you made need to define what the darkness is (which i'm sure you know already ) and then link it into the problem. Goodness, crack could be the allusion (which i know would be a bit much, but you know). Crack could be something people trip or fall over, into, whatever. Especially since that crack has occured right in front of the N's home, it could be something a family member gotten involved with. Like a troubled parent for example. This can teach a child the hard way the dangers of street life. Sometimes those things work out for the better. Not every problem leads to a tragic ending. Your poem here represents that and i am all for you developing it.

Allow me to add some more change from my jar.

There’s a crack
… in the asphalt
just outside her Brooklyn stoop.

It is as old as she,
And they’ve grown together,
over the years
wider,
…deeper
more hopeful. ---Based on your tenor/theme i would add that the N may not be able to pinpoint when it all started. Somehow things like that just seem to have always been there, but worsened over time. That is what i think of when i think of my old neighborhood. i was in grade school and i used to walk a few blocks to get to third grade everyday. Now, i would walk my child to school everyday if it was that close (then again, the school closed a couple of years ago, so i couldn't even if i moved back). Tell us they've grown old together gives the N omniscience. Information or details she may not be privied to.

She knows,
like
a gaping crown
she can swallow the world ---the problems could swallow the whole world, but i don't get how she could....whole.

Yet she’s learned
by its patience, ---she hasn't learned by the 'patience' of the problem. The idea that the crack represents trouble and ills on one hand, and patience and hope on the other means you've gone into complete symbolism. You have to develop specifically how the crack helps and how it harms. Wow, even though i misinterpreted your poem, yin-yang come back anyways. Zen hip-hop anyone?
to just take little
bites.

Okay, i'm done harassing you. Good luck on the rewrite. i'll be back then.

~tim

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

I've been meaning to comment on this all week -- and at last I've got here.

I feel this holds a message that needs to be made clearer. Some inline comments.

There’s a crack
[…] in the asphalt
[just] outside her Brooklyn stoop.

[It is as old as she,
And they’ve grown together],
They've aged together
over the years
wider,
[…]deeper
more hopeful.

I'm not sure hopeful fits here

She knows,
like
a gaping crown
she can swallow the world
whole.

The reference to crown makes me think of teeth, especially when you follow through with 'swallow the world' -- but I'm sure this is not what you mean

Yet she’s learned
by its patience,
to just take little
bites.

I like the message here -- being patient enough to tale small bites -- this does come with age.

I feel you have a really good message here Liz, but this does not come through clearly. I know when you start reworking this you will male it shine.


Now I'll go see what everyone else has said. LOL!

Hugs Snow

[JustDaniel]

May I try to play a little, Liz?

There’s a Crack appears
… on the asphalt
just outside her Brooklyn stoop.

It's is as old as she,
and they’ve grown together,
over the years
wider broader,
…deeper
more yawning hopeful.

She knows,
like
a its gaping crown[,]
she can swallow the world
whole.

Yet she’s learned
by its patience,
to just take little
bites.
to rock by bit
nibble.

...or maybe even...
to rock,
nibble by bit.

sLightly rearranging toward your stated intent (I think), Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Hi everyone,

Tim, Snow and Daniel, I will be back a little bit later tonight or tomorrow to reply individually. I wanted to take this time to apologize for my absence. I haven't felt well.

Tim... You've offered some critical points where I can find the link to the theme and the lines I've gotten that I would like salvage.
Snow, you also have left things to contribute to the revision...
And Daniel... you have left excellent thoughts for my consideration...


Thank you so very much... Will be back to speak with each of you..

Hugs, Liz

[azurepoetry]

Liz,

i look forward to reading your next offering, always.

~tim

[JustDaniel]

... as do I, Liz... and I certainly hope that you're feeling better! I know what it's like to have lingering ailments.

expectant of more of your Light, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Liz,

i look forward to reading your next offering, always.

~tim

Hey Tim, Yes I am back ... hopefully I will be able to get to everyone's responses. I do hate to leave replies unattended, but I so apologize because I hadn't been feeling well.

Let's see ...

Hey Liz,

At the risk of beating a dead horse (since you already mentioned that you'll be looking at this), i wanted to come back and offer you more.

Ah, it's not a dead horse until I bury it, and unfortunately, there has been some ideas that you and the other members have stirred that I will be working on to give some CPR to this Stallion!

I wanted to compare the growing gaping hole in the road outside her front door, to the growing darkness in the community, that also is growing tougher in her spirit, and as the hole becomes more apparent, so does she become more in control over her destiny...

After reading your intent, i like where this poem is trying to go to, yet i think that 'darkness' is too vague a word for an explanation let alone the tenor to a metaphor. i think you made need to define what the darkness is (which i'm sure you know already ) and then link it into the problem. Goodness, crack could be the allusion (which i know would be a bit much, but you know). Crack could be something people trip or fall over, into, whatever. Especially since that crack has occured right in front of the N's home, it could be something a family member gotten involved with. Like a troubled parent for example. This can teach a child the hard way the dangers of street life. Sometimes those things work out for the better. Not every problem leads to a tragic ending. Your poem here represents that and i am all for you developing it.

True. Darkness is a vague avenue to take. I would like to see this take shape as the physical, emotional and demographical changes of the narrators neighborhood. Not really of good/bad nature, but different, while also comparing the narrators personal changes, experiences and how childhood ups and downs has made her feel swallowed by her surroundings. This is going to need much revising and reworking to enhance the metaphor... As you mention, I am looking for that rainbow after a storm ending!

Allow me to add some more change from my jar

There’s a crack
… in the asphalt
just outside her Brooklyn stoop.

It is as old as she,
And they’ve grown together,
over the years
wider,
…deeper
more hopeful. ---Based on your tenor/theme i would add that the N may not be able to pinpoint when it all started. Somehow things like that just seem to have always been there, but worsened over time. That is what i think of when i think of my old neighborhood. i was in grade school and i used to walk a few blocks to get to third grade everyday. Now, i would walk my child to school everyday if it was that close (then again, the school closed a couple of years ago, so i couldn't even if i moved back). Tell us they've grown old together gives the N omniscience. Information or details she may not be privied to.



She knows,
like
a gaping crown
she can swallow the world ---the problems could swallow the whole world, but i don't get how she could....whole.

Yet she’s learned
by its patience, ---she hasn't learned by the 'patience' of the problem. The idea that the crack represents trouble and ills on one hand, and patience and hope on the other means you've gone into complete symbolism. You have to develop specifically how the crack helps and how it harms. Wow, even though i misinterpreted your poem, yin-yang come back anyways. Zen hip-hop anyone?
to just take little
bites.

I believe my idea at the time was to show how a a ripple (a small crack) with time can widen and grow from within. I am still trying to find the right words and the right angle to bring out the compareson... I think you are going into the right direction Yin/Yang...

Okay, i'm done harassing you. Good luck on the rewrite. i'll be back then.

~tim

Oh wow, no way are you harassing me... feedback like yours with returns to really help weed out the garbage and seed some more fertile soil is what I thrive on. By the way... you need to get another poem out here... I've been keeping my eyes open for one from you, but every day I am sadly disappointed!

Hugs, Liz (Seriously, thank you for your efforts and time with this...I am glad I posted it as I had no idea how little sense it made. In my mind it made all the sense in the world) LOL

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz



I've been meaning to comment on this all week -- and at last I've got here.

I feel this holds a message that needs to be made clearer. Some inline comments.

Hi Snow, This is in need of some major reworking. I will be reworking this to bring out the metaphor clearer... And will be keeping your thoughts available for reference. .

There’s a crack
[…] in the asphalt
[just] outside her Brooklyn stoop.

[It is as old as she,
And they’ve grown together],
They've aged together
over the years
wider,
[…]deeper
more hopeful.


I like the alternative 'they've aged together.' much more fitting,


I'm not sure hopeful fits here

She knows,
like
a gaping crown
she can swallow the world
whole.

The reference to crown makes me think of teeth, especially when you follow through with 'swallow the world' -- but I'm sure this is not what you mean

LAUGHING HARD... no, teeth wasn't the issue, although I did just have a deep scaling done LOL

Yet she’s learned
by its patience,
to just take little
bites.

I like the message here -- being patient enough to tale small bites -- this does come with age.

Yes, that is exactly what I meant by patience, where as she watched this small crevice in the street grow over years, and watched it become something large and intimidating, she learned things grow and mature with years... slowly.

I feel you have a really good message here Liz, but this does not come through clearly. I know when you start reworking this you will male it shine.


Now I'll go see what everyone else has said. LOL!

Hugs Snow

Hugs Snow, thank you so much for your feedback on this, I know it isn't my better works...

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Daniel,

I like many of your suggestions Daniel. Especially the suggestion of 'broader' very crisp word, also yawning. These are more accurate words that express a meaning closer to what I had been hoping for. :)

Unfortunately your ending suggestion isn't what I had been reaching for, but as I get more closer to clarifying the metaphor and painting a more accurate picture, perhaps we can think together about what would best work as a more powerful ending!

Thank you so much Daniel for your time, efforts and mostly for your creative ideas. They are all most appreciated.

Hugs, Liz

May I try to play a little, Liz?

There’s a Crack appears
… on the asphalt
just outside her Brooklyn stoop.

It's is as old as she,
and they’ve grown together,
over the years
wider broader,
…deeper
more yawning hopeful.

She knows,
like
a its gaping crown[,]
she can swallow the world
whole.

Yet she’s learned
by its patience,
to just take little
bites.
to rock by bit
nibble.

...or maybe even...
to rock,
nibble by bit.

sLightly rearranging toward your stated intent (I think), Daniel

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

I feel you have made excellent progress with your revision which reads much clearer to me now.

Tha only place I stumble ie the very end

they can swallow the world
whole by taken
little bites.

I thik 'taken' might be a typo for 'taking' but also felt that to swallow something whole by taking little bites is a contradiction somehow. Let me know if it's just me.

Hugs Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

Do you mean 'taken' or 'taking' little bites?

Here's an idea for shaping with your latest rev:

Cheers
~Cleo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


There’s a crack

… in the asphalt

just outside her Brooklyn stoop.

It is as old as she.


They’ve grown together

over the years

broader,

deeper,

more noticable.

She believes

her importance,

much like the crevice

is obscure;

but overlooked,

they can swallow the world whole...

bite by blinded bite.