Renewal...Revision 6 Last Revision.., Wizard Award ~ Sonnet Options

[Judi]

Revision 6


The blowing winds grow chill as autumn dies
and Indian summer days now ebb too soon.
Sweet echoes of the summer's sultry sighs
will fade with waxing of a winter moon.

Our lives have winters too, when we must mourn
a love that did not last until today.
Our dreams remain in fall, our hearts are torn-
let's rest in winter's stillness, let us pray

that March will come and chase away the chill
and thaw our hearts with lovely springtime sun.
Seek out all wished-for needs you can fulfill,
then leave the past behind when winter's done.

When basking in the warmth of early spring,
discover dreams that need remembering.

Judith Labriola

============================================
Revision 5
The blowing winds grow chill when autumn dies
and Indian summer days have ebbed too soon.
Sweet echoes of the summer's sultry sighs
now fade with waxing of a winter moon.

Our lives have winters too, as we now mourn
a love that did not last until today.
Our dreams remain in fall, our hearts are torn.
Let's rest in winter's stillness, let us pray

that March will come and chase away the chill
and thaw our hearts with lovely springtime sun.
Seek out all wished-for needs you can fulfill,
then leave the past behind when winter's done.

As you bask in the warmth of early spring,
discover dreams that need remembering.

Judith Labriola








Revision 4
The blowing winds grow chill when autumn dies,
and Indian summer days have ebbed too soon.
Sweet echoes of the summer's sultry sighs
now fade with waxing of a winter moon.

Our lives have winters too, when we must mourn
a past that did not last until today.
Our dreams remain in fall, our hearts are torn,
Let's rest in winter's stillness, let us pray

that March will come and chase away the chill,
and thaw our hearts with lovely springtime sun
Seek out all wished-for needs you can fulfill,
and leave the past behind when winter's done.

Oh for the gentle warmth of early spring;
search for the dreams that need remembering.

Judith Labriola


Revision 3

The winds that blow grow chill when autumn dies,
no warmth of Indian summer days at noon.
All sweet echoes of summer's sultry sighs
now fade with the waxing of a winter moon.

Sad memories are past, no need to cry;
let all regrets now die a natural death.
While standing 'neath the joyless winter sky,
release your pain with every frost-tinged breath.

The spring will come to chase away the chill,
the joy of life this season will unveil.
Seek out the wished for needs you can fulfill,
the pulse is strong when hope and love prevail.

Oh, for the gentle warmth of early spring.
Search for dreams that need remembering

--

Judith Labriola





Revision 2
The winds that blow are cold when winter nears,
gone is the warmth of Indian summer's noon.
Pale traces left from August's sultry tears,
fade with the waxing of December's moon.
Sad memories will only make you weep,
sorrow and fear must die a timely death.
Depression's a mood we shouldn't keep,
dismiss it with a painful heaving breath.
Soon spring will come to chase away the chill,
courage and hope new pathways will unveil.
embrace the dreams you know you can fulfill,
strong is the pulse when faith and love prevail.

Bask in the gentle warmth of early spring.
Search for the dreams that need remembering.

Judith Labriola


Revision 1

Cold is the wind that blows when winter's nigh.
gone is the warmth of Indian summer's noon.
Pale sweet remembrance of August's sultry sigh,
fades with the waxing of December's moon.

Sad memories will only make you weep,
let sorrow and failure die a natural death.
Depression's a guest you do not want to keep,
dispel it with a painful heaving breath.

Soon spring will come to chase away the chill,
courage and hope new pathways will unveil.
Take joy in dreams you know you can fulfill,
strong is the pulse when faith and love prevail.

Oh, for the gentle warmth of early spring.
Search for the dreams that need remembering.




Original Version...

Cold is the wind that blows when winter's nigh,
gone is the warmth of Indian summer's noon
Pale sweet remembrance of summer's sultry sigh,
fades with the waxing of the winter moon.

Things of the past let time now leave behind,
sorrow and failure allow a natural death.
Left alone in the joyless winter sky,
seen leaving you in painful heaving breath.

Spring soon will come to chase away the chill,
sunlight and flowers will gaiety unveil.
Love and sweet promise of joy and dreams fulfill,
Strong is the pulse when hope and love prevail.

Oh, for the gentle warmth of early spring.
Search for the dreams that need remembering

--

Judith Anne Labriola

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

Hello Judi,
This is a lovely poem. I'm a novice to sonnets, but based on what I've been told, they are usually iambic pentameter. I do scan 5 stressed syllables in each line, but most are not iambic. I'm wondering if that is your intent--- to vary the meter. It has a good conversational flow for the most part, but before I practice my critiquing skills (such as they are) I'd like to know if you want iambic?

here's how I would scan the first stanza:
COLD is/ the WIND /that BLOWS /when WIN// ter's NIGH.
GONE is/ the WARMTH /of IND /ian SUM/ mer's NOON
pale SWEET/ re MEM/ brance of SUM /mer's SUL /try SIGH, This line is especially awkward
FADES with /the WAX/ ing of the WIN /ter MOON. you could promote OF to a stress here but for me that's a stretch.

Let me know where you want to go with this and I'll be back to offer what I can.

LB

[Judi]

hmmmmm....I may be wrong, but this is how I scan it..

Cold/ is the wind /that blows/ when winter's/ nigh.
Gone/ is the warmth/ of Indian /summer's /noon
Pale/ sweet remembrance/ of summer's/ sultry/ sigh,
fades /with the waxing/ of/ the winter/ moon.

Mary, where are you...HELP Judi..

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

I'm sorry that I'm not familiar with that method of scanning.

Cold/ is the wind /that blows/ when winter's/ nigh.
Gone/ is the warmth/ of Indian /summer's /noon
Pale/ sweet remembrance/ of summer's/ sultry/ sigh,
fades /with the waxing/ of/ the winter/ moon.

It doesn't indicate where you have the stressed syllables, and beyond that
the dividers don't represent iambs.
da DUM/da DUM/da DUM/ da DUM/da DUM
10 syllables per line with everyother syllable stressed represents strict IP.
I know there are acceptable alternatives and I think many of your lines would be acceptable, I simply wondered whether you wished it to be strict IP.

LB

[Judi]

Hello again, Liz..
I want it in the form it is now, and I am sure it is acceptable, but I thank you for your suggestions, and know that it takes time to know what is acceptable and what isn't...
I am still learning every day...Here is the scanning with the stressed syllables...

Cold'/ is the wind' /that blows'/ when win'ter's/ nigh.'
Gone'/ is the warmth'/ of Indian' /sum'mer's/noon'
Pale'/sweet remem'brance/ of sum'mer's/ sul'try/ sigh',
fades' /with the wax'ing/ of/ the win'ter/ moon'.

This is as I see it and scan it...My best to you, Judi

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

Judi,
I sincerely hope you find the help you need on this.
LB

[Judi]

Thanks Liz...It is also being reviewed on Sonnet Central, and none of the crits mention the meter.(and believe me they would in a heartbeat)..only suggestions for the second stanza which I have revised there...i am waiting for someone who is familiar with sonnets to crit it here...Nada Lot (Mary) is the sonnet queen...LOL...this can be a learning experience for you also...I know sonnets are confusing...

I sometimes cross post, not because I don't trust either board, but I am planning to do a book soon, and I want as much critique on the poems I want to publish as I can get...I only post on two boards.. I will get more crits on this one soon...I HOPE...
There are more exceptions in writing sonnets then you can throw a stick at. I have grabbed a few...

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

...

It is also being reviewed on Sonnet Central, and none of the crits mention the meter.(and believe me they would in a heartbeat)..

It's likely they don't mention meter there because strict IP is not neccessary for many who post at SC. Again, I was only inquiring as to whether you wanted advice on meter. Clearly you are only interested in hearing from those you consider to be experts, so I shall refrain from further comment.

I want it in the form it is now,

If you are satisfied with it, that's all that matters.

[Judi]

Liz, I want you to know that I appreciate your comments..I guess the fact that I am also newer at sonnets than I am to free verse, although I do write a lot of blank verse, that I do want one of the more experienced sonneteers here to help with the crit on this one...I am not saying that you are wrong...please don't be hurt by my reply..
I am merely saying that this is acceptable...not strict but acceptable...

I also want to acknowledge that I changed the stress marks to the correct place
after I sent in my post. (Sometimes I forget to say them out loud so I can hear them says Judi red-faced.)..anyway, it does not change the 8 counts per line status...

I have an idea...let's both wait until Mr. Merlin, or Mary (Nada Lott) attacks this...then we will both learn what we need to learn...is that a deal? Hope so...This is how we learn...both of us...Judi

[Merlin]

Coming in be request – and this may be a good time to mention that I’m considering curtailing my online time dramatically, in order to get a few projects off the ground.

Sonnets – probably the best defined fixed form available. Sonneteers adhere to those parameters, with minor variations accepted. Iambic pentameter, with Volta occurring somewhere around Line 9, or the final couplet. Rhyme schemes are set out, depending on the chosen style.

My best suggestion is to recall my oft-mentioned statement – there is always another way of saying the same thing. L1 is far too cliché to be missed by anyone, and could stand revision. Subsequent punctuation and syntax require review – too many errors. V2 rhyme scheme is...?

Second best suggestion – toss the rhyme scheme in favor of blank. Thereby you lose the strictness of an English sonnet and change to an American (or syllabic) that allows a cornucopia of variations.


A special request - pls don't quote me inside quote me inside quote me... I get lost easily. A plain reply will do if warranted.

Merlin

[heartsong7]

Judi...
You have charming premise in this but if you want it to be a traditional English sonnet (as the rhyme scheme seems to indicate) you need to work on the meter in several lines. Note that in S2, you lose the rhyme for L1&3.
In S1, L2 is awkward.
S3, L2 is painfully inverted.
S3, L3 has too many stressed sylls.

As Merlin suggests, you could go for a modern style of sonnet which allows more variation from iambic, but which, IMO still needs to maintain a consistant pentameter. If you go that route though, I think you might have another look at the diction. As it reads now there are inversions (sunlight and flowers will gaiety unveil.)
and archaic words (like 'nigh') that don't fit with modern speech patterns.

Sue

[Mary Boren]

.i am waiting for someone who is familiar with sonnets to crit it here...Nada Lot

Don't wait for me. There's a reason I don't post at SC any more, and you've just demonstrated it.

-M

[Judi]

Don't wait for me. There's a reason I don't post at SC any more, and you've just demonstrated it.

-M

Hmmmm, is it full moon tonight...????? I surely don't know what you are referring to Mary..but I shall try to work this out with Merlin and Sue's help...(Please email me Mary...ok? ) Judi...

I also want to thank Liz for her suggestions...she and I are learning together, and I appreciate her patience with my needing to understand where the meter I do have stands...thanks Liz...for being understanding...Judi

[Judi]

Sue..

Thanks so much for your help...I was really floundering on this..I knew it needed a lot of work, but I truly didn't know how to begin to fix it....I have drasticly rewritten a lot of it and hope I am coming closer....My Best to you and thanks again..Judi

[Aggiel]

Hi Judi,

I see you have piece of work written in free rhyme verses
and now about to use the meters. Good idea . I did the same with my
poem to get myself started in an easier way.

You don’t mind if I experiment with your piece a bit. I am
usually poor at Crits.

The WINDS are COLD as WINtry MONTHS are NIGH
and WARMTH is GONE from INdian SUMmer NOON.

Consider this as my experiment, for I am learning like you.

Cheers

Aggie

[Judi]

Thanks for your suggestions Aggie...I am sure I will probably be revising this a few more times...need all the help I can get..after a floundering beginning Judi

[Judi]

Merlin...

Thanks so much for jumping in...I appreciate your help...and have tried to incorporate your nits and Sue's in my revision...most of them anyway, and I am sure that there will be more revisions after this one.

I can write a new sonnet in strict IP, but the problem with this one is that it was an older poem written an eon ago and was one of my earliest attempts...Actually it was published in the original version, and had been selected to be in an anthology from the Microsoft Poetry Forum. I wanted to keep it in as close to the original format as I could, but to improve it.

[JustDaniel]

Well, I ain't one o' yer ex-purts, but I's written a couple hunert o' some facsimile o' the beasties, plus a 'nother couple score o' my own sonnet bref pieces... so at least let me play with this a bit... unless ya wanna take Merlin's good advice o' makin' it blank verse to remove the expectation o' IP. Here I go, dancin' through yer lines best I can for the short time I have:

Cold is the wind that blows when winter's nigh.
gone is the warmth of Indian summer's noon.
Pale sweet remembrance of August's sultry sigh,
fades with the waxing of December's moon.

How cold the winds that blow when winter nears,
to rob the warmth of Indian summer's noon.
Remembrance sweetly pales in August's tears,
then fades and waxes with December's moon.

Sad memories will only make you weep,
let sorrow and failure die a natural death.
Depression's a guest you do not want to keep,
dispel it with a painful heaving breath.

Sad memories will merely make you weep;
let sorrows, failures go to taste their death.
Depression is a guest not long to keep;
dismiss him with one painful, heaving breath.

Soon spring will come to chase away the chill,
courage and hope new pathways will unveil.
Take joy in dreams you know you can fulfill,
strong is the pulse when faith and love prevail.

Spirng soon shall come to chase away your chill,
renew a pulse that fosters courage... hope,
new joy in dreams you know you can fulfill...
a love that sees through faith a broader scope.

Oh, for the gentle warmth of early spring.
Search for the dreams that need remembering.

Expect the gentle warmth of early spring;
you'll stir those dreams that need remembering.

deLighting in the prospect of humbly helping you to see your own words in a different Light, Daniel

[Judi]

Oh Daniel...This is lovely..a definite consideration in Revision 3...Thanks so much! Judi

[heartsong7]

I can write a new sonnet in strict IP, but the problem with this one is that it was an older poem written an eon ago and was one of my earliest attempts

Well, I must say that Daniel has definately demonstrated that it can be done. His example stays true to the premise and mood while correcting the rhyme and meter. I think you might study it and perhaps do as well in your own words.
Good luck with your book.
Sue