Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> GAIA Revision posted ***, FV
Psyche
post Apr 20 13, 23:22
Post #1


Ornate Oracle
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,770
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting



I wrote this a long time ago. Since then it's changed so much that I'm posting it as a new topic. Crits welcome. I believe Earth Day is coming up soon. butterfly.gif

First Rev.


Oh, to unwind, to dream,
beneath the canopy of a willow-tree,
picturing sunflowers smile
at summer skies,
charting sun’s orbit till violet eve.

Vast terrains pretend to slumber,
guarded by languid owl-eyes
stalking slinky felines
and other unseen creatures of night.

I doze under my leafy umbrella
as frogs croak the onset of dawn,
herald showers flirting with rainbows.
I circumnavigate mountain lakes
and sight the source of brooks
meandering through golden prairies.

Oh, to wander! Recite poems that nobody wrote,
those wondrous words dormant
in memories of the dead.
See mirages! Gothic cathedrals, the Taj Mahal,
Roman aqueducts arched over Italic olive groves,
Alexandria’s library before it perished in the sea.

Libelous lies and carnage disrupt my trance;
drones and dark malice – Ours or foreign?
seem to explode under my pillow at night.


Where has love gone,
where the chubby toes and children’s giggles?
Why does blossom wither by waysides?
Toxic waste dull sapphire seas…

Now I share distress with shipwrecked migrants,
blending my homage with their heartache;
I’m a refugee seeking a salubrious life,
or just a life...
I fancy the aspirations of all men,
but conjure up dust-bowls on Austral steppes,
Amazonia gutted by russet roads,
thawing glaciers mud-sliding
noble forests down Andean slopes.

Ice cubes rattle in my crystal tumbler,
as in trepidation I offer a toast to Gaia,
to her mystery, her unreason and riddles,
to the paradox of her existence in time.

Such crude reality imposed by humankind!

Reality is the destruction gnawing at Gaia's fertility.
I mourn a death foretold,
though Death is not her death
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but mine.





I've coloured the first version to indicate modified parts, and posted a revision above. Thank you Daniel, Snow, Arnie for your highly welcome crits. butterfly.gif I've found that 'libelous' can have one or two 'l's', so left it as is. rolleyes.gif






To unwind, to dream,
beneath the canopy of a willow-tree,
picturing sunflowers smile
at summer skies,
charting sun’s orbit till violet eve.

Vast terrains pretend to slumber,
guarded by languid owl-eyes
stalking slinky felines
and other unseen creatures of night.

I doze under my leafy umbrella
as frogs croak the onset of dawn,
herald showers flirting with rainbows.
I circumnavigate mountain lakes
and sight the source of brooks
meandering through golden prairies.

To wander! Recite poems that nobody wrote,
those wondrous words dormant
in memories of the dead.
To see mirages: Gothic cathedrals, the Taj Mahal,
Roman aqueducts arched over Italic olive groves,
Alexandria’s library perished by Poseidon’s will.


Libelous lies and carnage disrupt my trance;
drones and dark malice – Ours or foreign?
seem to explode under my pillow at night.


Where has love gone,
where the chubby toes and children’s giggles?
Why does blossom wither by waysides?
Toxic waste dulls sapphire seas…

Now I share distress with shipwrecked migrants,
blending my homage with their heartache;
I’m a refugee seeking a salubrious life,
or just a life...
I fancy the aspirations of all men,
but conjure up dust-bowls on Austral steppes,
Amazonia gutted by russet roads,
thawing glaciers mud-sliding
noble forests down Andean slopes.

Ice cubes rattle in my crystal tumbler,
as in trepidation I offer a toast to Gaia,
to her mystery, her unreason and riddles,
to the paradox of her existence in time -

Such crude reality imposed by humankind!

Reality is the destruction caused her.
I mourn a death foretold,
though Death is not her death
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but mine.





Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina – 2013.
All Rights reserved as a published work.


·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Apr 22 13, 10:33
Post #2


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Syl

How good it is to read a poem from you. hsdance.gif

This one is so thought provoking with a chilling ending, yet you have some wonderful dreamy images at the beginning. It is extremely well written and it is difficult to find any nits, but I've given a few thoughts, between the lines below.


QUOTE (Psyche @ Apr 21 13, 05:22 ) *
I wrote this a long time ago. Since then it's changed so much that I'm posting it as a new topic. Crits welcome. I believe Earth Day is coming up soon. butterfly.gif



To unwind, to dream,
beneath the canopy of a willow-tree,
picturing sunflowers smile
at summer skies,
charting sun’s orbit till violet eve.

Vast terrains pretend to slumber,
guarded by languid owl-eyes
stalking slinky felines
and other unseen creatures of night.

I doze under my leafy umbrella
as frogs croak the onset of dawn,
herald showers flirting with rainbows.
I circumnavigate mountain lakes
and sight the source of brooks
meandering through golden prairies.

I particularly like these 3 opening stanzas - beautiful images.

To wander! Recite poems that nobody wrote,
those wondrous words dormant
in memories of the dead.
To see mirages: Gothic cathedrals, the Taj Mahal,
Roman aqueducts arched over Italic olive groves,
Alexandria’s library perished by Poseidon’s will.

Libelous lies and carnage disrupt my trance;
drones and dark malice – Ours or foreign? –
seem to explode under my pillow at night.


I think libellous might have 2 l's.

To me the punctuation seems a little awkward here. Perhaps miss the dash after foreign? I'm not sure - I've never been brilliant at punctuation, so it might be perfectly ok. LOL!


drones and dark malice – Ours or foreign? –

Where has love gone,
where the chubby toes and children’s giggles?
Why does blossom wither by waysides?
Toxic waste dulls sapphire seas…

Now I share distress with shipwrecked migrants,
blending my homage with their heartache;
I’m a refugee seeking a salubrious life,
or just a life...
I fancy the aspirations of all men,
but conjure up dust-bowls on Austral steppes,
Amazonia gutted by russet roads,
thawing glaciers mud-sliding
noble forests down Andean slopes.

Ice cubes rattle in my crystal tumbler,
as in trepidation I offer a toast to Gaia,
to her mystery, her unreason and riddles,
to the paradox of her existence in time [-]

I think I might remove the dash after time as you start the next line with a capital.

Such crude reality imposed by humankind!

Reality is the destruction caused her.
I mourn a death foretold,
though Death is not her death
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but mine.



Your build up to the ending line is beautifully done. The ending is so chilling with the realisation that it is your/my death. So true!


A great poem to make your comeback, Syl. Keep them coming!
Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif


Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina – 2013.
All Rights reserved as a published work.




·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JustDaniel
post Apr 22 13, 16:19
Post #3


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,457
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Greetings, Syl!! So wonderful to see you posting again.

I really love this. Honestly, the only place that feels askew to me is the opening stanza, in that you punctuate it as though it is a complete sentence, while it is but an impression or thought.

I might either eliminate the initial capitalization and remove the closing period, OR...

simply add one word,

"Oh, to unwind, to dream, ..."


QUOTE (Psyche @ Apr 21 13, 00:22 ) *
Oh, to unwind, to dream,
beneath the canopy of a willow-tree,
picturing sunflowers smile
at summer skies,
charting sun’s orbit till violet eve.

Vast terrains pretend to slumber,
guarded by languid owl-eyes
stalking slinky felines
and other unseen creatures of night.

I doze under my leafy umbrella
as frogs croak the onset of dawn,
herald showers flirting with rainbows.
I circumnavigate mountain lakes
and sight the source of brooks
meandering through golden prairies.

To wander! Recite poems that nobody wrote,
those wondrous words dormant
in memories of the dead.
To see mirages: Gothic cathedrals, the Taj Mahal,
Roman aqueducts arched over Italic olive groves,
Alexandria’s library perished by Poseidon’s will.

I'm confused here by two things. First, it's my understanding that the library was burned, so why by Poseidon's will, since that would seem to connote something from the sea ? Second, 'perished' seems to not be the right verb choice, as though Poseidon's will perished the library. Unless that is a Brit. usage, might not 'destroyed' be better?

Libelous lies and carnage disrupt my trance; [ I understand that some Brits use two l's; we only use one -- unless you're counting the initial 'L' as well! ]
drones and dark malice – Ours or foreign? –
seem to explode under my pillow at night.


Where has love gone,
where the chubby toes and children’s giggles?
Why does blossom wither by waysides?
How about 'do blossoms...' ?
Toxic waste dulls sapphire seas…

Now I share distress with shipwrecked migrants,
blending my homage with their heartache;
I’m a refugee seeking a salubrious life,
or just a life...
I fancy the aspirations of all men,
but conjure up dust-bowls on Austral steppes,
Amazonia gutted by russet roads,
thawing glaciers mud-sliding
noble forests down Andean slopes.

Ice cubes rattle in my crystal tumbler,
as in trepidation I offer a toast to Gaia,
to her mystery, her unreason and riddles,
to the paradox of her existence in time -

Such crude reality imposed by humankind!

Reality is the destruction caused her.
I mourn a death foretold,
though Death is not her death
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but mine.


Powerful ending, Syl!


Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina – 2013.
All Rights reserved as a published work.


deLighting in your participation and sharing again, Daniel sun.gif


·······IPB·······

Slow down; things will go faster!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Psyche
post Apr 24 13, 01:43
Post #4


Ornate Oracle
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,770
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting




Thank you, Eisa and Daniel, for your highly useful comments/nits.

I've read thru' them in rather a hurry, as it's way past my bedtime, but will be revising asap.

About The Royal Alexandrian library, there are at least four versions of its destruction (in different periods), and it's not yet proven that it was actually burned at all, or maybe just a section containing ledgers, accountancy and other ancient 'backup' copies of originals. The whole event is a mixture of myth and partial reality, since there were three important libraries in Alexandria, two of them open to the public. Conquerors would make gifts of originals to emperors of powerful areas. Poor Hypatia has been mentioned as giving maths lessons there, but even that is clouded in myth (or censored, since Christians murdered her in a ghastly fashion inside a church, because she was an unrepentant pagan).

An earthquake or tsunami in medieval times sent the whole building deep under the sea, hence my mention of Poseidon, since he was a pagan god, perhaps seeking vengeance? I understand extremely difficult ongoing work might eventually reveal some facts, but with the present economic crisis... who knows?

Still, I agree that Poseidon might stick out like a sore thumb. I happen to adore him...LOL...

Will return and rev. Thanks so much to both of you,
cheers, Syl***




·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Arnfinn
post Apr 27 13, 03:00
Post #5


Creative Chieftain
Group Icon

Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry



G'day Sylv;

Ah, Sylvia, like my avatar, you are a scenic painter of verse pinkpanther.gif minniemouse.gif

Here in Australia the occasional paddock of sunflowers may stretch over ten square kilometres.
The scene you have painted; happy bright sunflower faces following the sun (as they do) 'charting sun's orbit till violet eve.' is a delight rose.gif troy.gif

A good opening. My favourite verse/stanza troy.gif

Though I have a few ideas


To unwind, to dream,<<<<<<<<<<<<< 'To' a Prep infinitive agreeing with a verbal noun, maybe use 'I' A personal pronoun giving agreement with the verb 'unwind'.
beneath the canopy of a willow-tree,
picturing sunflowers smile>>>>>>>>>>> 'sunflowers' are plural, smile is singular. Maybe use your verbal noun here 'smiling'
at summer skies,
charting sun’s orbit till violet eve.

Vast terrains pretend to slumber,
guarded by languid owl-eyes
stalking slinky felines
and other unseen creatures of night.

I doze under my leafy umbrella
as frogs croak the onset of dawn,
herald showers flirting with rainbows.
I circumnavigate mountain lakes
and sight the source of brooks
meandering through golden prairies.

To wander! Recite poems that nobody wrote, >>>>>>>These couple of sentences are unique and smart. troy.gif
those wondrous words dormant
in memories of the dead.

To see mirages: Gothic cathedrals, the Taj Mahal,
Roman aqueducts arched over Italic olive groves,
Alexandria’s library perished by Poseidon’s will.

Libelous lies and carnage disrupt my trance;
drones and dark malice – Ours or foreign? –
seem to explode under my pillow at night.

Where has love gone,
where the chubby toes and children’s giggles?
Why does blossom wither by waysides?
Toxic waste dulls sapphire seas…

Now I share distress with shipwrecked migrants,
blending my homage with their heartache;
I’m a refugee seeking a salubrious life,
or just a life...
I fancy the aspirations of all men,
but conjure up dust-bowls on Austral steppes,
Amazonia gutted by russet roads,
thawing glaciers mud-sliding
noble forests down Andean slopes.

Ice cubes rattle in my crystal tumbler,
as in trepidation I offer a toast to Gaia,>>>>>>>>>>>> I looked this 'Gaia' up. Seems like civilization is not very smart and due for extermination.
to her mystery, her unreason and riddles,
to the paradox of her existence in time -

Such crude reality imposed by humankind!

Reality is the destruction caused her.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Do not get the gist of this line 'caused her'? There must a better way to express 'caused her'.
I mourn a death foretold,
though Death is not her death
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but mine.
>>>>>>>>>> Yes, well said the essence of the poem in a nutshell, troy.gif

Very enjoyable young Sylv. rose.gif

Regards,

John


·······IPB·······

Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Psyche
post May 6 13, 13:18
Post #6


Ornate Oracle
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,770
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting




I submitted a revision, but it didn't bump up to the top!
Being away has rusted my technie memory (not age, oh no! LOL...)

So here it goes again with more thanks to all.

Syl***


·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 28th March 2024 - 20:21




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: