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Posted by: Maureen Apr 12 13, 08:10

Revised Version

THE WAITING GAME


Evening shadows crept into the courtyard.

Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams,
Cerulean blue, jade green and gold
colours like a stained glass window
gleamed from her peacock feather fan.


She waited patiently – there was no rush.

Wind chimes broken reeds
tinkled in the evening breeze
as calmly, she daintily drank jasmine tea
from a delicate porcelain cup.

She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo.

The moons silver fingers caressed the moon gate,
hovered over the fallen arch
and rested lingeringly on her lover's face.
Ancient walls silently watched and waited
as did she.

Maureen Clifford ©
the Scribbly Bark Poet.






THE WAITING GAME

Evening shadows crept silently into the courtyard.

Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams,
her elegant fan of peacock feathers gleamed
like a stained glass window.
Cerulean blue, jade green and gold.

She waited patiently – there was no rush.

The broken reeds of the wind chimes
tinkled in the evening breeze.
Calmly she daintily drank jasmine tea
from a delicate porcelain cup.

She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo.

Shadows cast by the moonlight
drifted over the fallen arch of the moon gate
and her lover's face.

The ancient walls were used to waiting,
and so was she.

Maureen Clifford ©

Posted by: JustDaniel Apr 12 13, 10:03

Greetings, Maureen!

Though this is officially my first response to one of your pieces, actually I had almost completed my comments on your first post in the other forum (a bush posm), when I got a call from my wife about arrangements for the sitter for my grandson Dominic (2), since she and my daughter DoriAn were not going to be returning from the hospital, since Gabriella was about to be delivered by C-section. Needless to say, I never finished my comments at that time, and when the computer lost contact with the internet some time when it was waiting for my return, I lost my comments... and though I've been back there twice already, EACH TIME I was interrupted with grandfather duties... so I just gave up, too tired to write last evening!

Enough of all that... This one shows a world of difference from that other piece, with a very patient, deliberate, gentle patience, ratcheting up anticipation to your closing punch line. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and there are several lines that I really appreciated, but I'll only mention one... and point out a punctuation gaff [Though I've noted in many publications of late, apostrophes are simply eliminated... and I'm astounded by that, but... ah, well, what can little old I do?! LOL]:

Shadows cast by the moonlight
drifted over the fallen arch of the moon gate
and her lover[']s face.

Love it!

deLighting in your sharing with us... and looking forward to your observations, comments and sharing in others' posts here,

Daniel

Posted by: Maureen Apr 14 13, 01:39

Thanks Daniel for the pick up - I have amended it now, sadly punctuation is not my strong suite but I don't leave them out deliberately. So happy you liked it

I saw the piccie of your gorgeous new grandchild - beautiful and such an exciting time for the family.

Cheers

Maureen

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Apr 16 13, 20:31

Hi Maureen,

I enjoyed the intrigue in this poem. I admit that I am not overly comfortable critiquing free verse poems, so bear with me. I'll keep it light. I tend to be more of a minimalist in fv so thought I would throw out this suggestion: since the reader can interpret that peacock feathers are elegant and fan out - might you consider deleting 'elegant fan of' ?
[delete]

Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams, --> OR Lit by moonbeams' silvery glow
her [elegant fan of] peacock feathers gleamed
like a stained glass window.
Cerulean blue, jade green and gold.

She waited patiently – there was no rush. --> Perhaps italize this line?

Here, I suggest deleting both 'the's in L1:
[The] Broken reeds of [the] wind chimes
tinkled in the evening breeze.
Calmly{,} she daintily drank jasmine tea
from a delicate porcelain cup.

She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo. --> Perhaps italize this line?

Shadows cast by the moonlight --> OR Moonlight's shadows
drifted over the fallen arch of the moon gate --> This is a bit bumpy and wordy
and her lover's face.

The ancient walls were used to waiting,
and so was she.

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

Posted by: Maureen Apr 16 13, 22:55

Thank you Cleo for your help - I have amended it taking into account some of your suggestions and I think it is all the better for it.

Cheers

Maureen

Posted by: Anisha Apr 18 13, 02:44

Hi, I'm kind of a newbie to poetry writing in general, but I really loved this poem! The tone is consistent throughout and very soft and romantic. The only thing i would say is in reference to this portion:

Wind chimes broken reeds
tinkled in the evening breeze
as calmly, she daintily drank jasmine tea
from a delicate porcelain cup.

I'm slightly confused about the inclusion of 'broken reeds'. Maybe it's a reference I don't understand, but the way I read it, it is the wind chimes that are tinkling in the breeze. I really like the subtle rhyming between reeds and breeze though.

Also, the use of two adverbs (calmly and daintily) almost directly next to one other feels a bit awkward. I think you could omit the calmly, as the entire tone of the poem, as well as the use of the words daintily and delicate, exude tranquility already!

Posted by: Maureen Apr 27 13, 00:12

Thanks Anisha for taking the time to read and comment. It is appreciated and your suggestion under consideration

The broken reeds are the reeds used in a wind chime. If you are familiar with the windchimes made of bamboo one end of the reed is cut (usually) on an angle thus altering the note/tone it gives.

Cheers

Maureen

Posted by: Arnfinn Apr 27 13, 06:47

G'day Maureen

This beautiful poem reads very well.

Free verse indeed.

The words flow gently; while stage sets fall into place enhanced by coloured spotlights;
out in front the attentive audience sit in silence as the final scene enfolds.

Then applause.

John

Posted by: Maureen Apr 30 13, 23:46

Gee you know how to make a girl blush John you are too kind - but hey I love it.....thank you

Posted by: Eisa May 4 13, 14:49

QUOTE (Maureen @ Apr 12 13, 14:10 )

Revised Version


Hi Maureen, I thought I'd commented on this one but have come back to find I haven't. I love the images here -gorgeous and sensuous.

I like your revision and don't think there is anything much to suggest.

THE WAITING GAME


Evening shadows crept into the courtyard.

Lit by the silvery glow of moonbeams,
Cerulean blue, jade green and gold
colours like a stained glass window
gleamed from her peacock feather fan.

Such a beautiful 1st stanza

She waited patiently – there was no rush.

Wind chimes broken reeds
I think this might sound better the other way round.
Broken reed wind chimes
tinkled in the evening breeze
as calmly, she daintily drank jasmine tea
from a delicate porcelain cup.

She heard his footsteps on the terrazzo.

The moons silver fingers caressed the moon gate,
hovered over the fallen arch
and rested lingeringly on her lover's face.
Ancient walls silently watched and waited
as did she.

Well what can I say - beautiful from beginning to end. I really enjoyed reading this.

Snow

Maureen Clifford ©
the Scribbly Bark Poet.


Maureen Clifford ©

Posted by: Maureen May 4 13, 22:13

WOW - I am overwhelmed by the likes Thank you kindly

Cheers

Maureen