Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Skin on Skin
Eisa
post Aug 29 10, 18:14
Post #1


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Here's another oldie (very old) -- just wondering if there were any improvements I can make before it hits the finished drawer.


Skin on Skin

They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged
yet unrequited hungers rage.
Their dance commences; undulations
shed her filmy negligee
to drape the floor. A lithe display
of belly-dancing; titillations.

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;
He sidles closer, starts to nuzzle
-- lost in lust they intertwine
instinctively, physiques combine
dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.

As fervour bubbles to a boil
and overflows; fulfilled they coil
behind their safety glass. I glance,
at you; we share a drink, before
my silk chemise slips on the floor --
a prelude to our mating dance.

-----------------------------------------------

Recent tweaks (thanks Liz)
St1 L3 was 'The dance commences'
Last St L1 was 'Fervour bubbles to a boil'

St2 L3 - have changed slithers to sidles


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
AMETHYST
post Aug 29 10, 22:21
Post #2


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hey Snow!!!!

I remember this. I am intrigued by the sensual build up and the change over from spectator to participant - There is wonderful sound movement here that adds a auditorial pleasure when read aloud, and strong images to grasp the readers attention. There are certain word uses that help to define S1's participants as reptilian - I especially felt L4-L6 opens the mind of the reader and gives more depth to S2. The only suggestion (and albeit, not so necessary would be In S1, L3 Perhaps "Their dance commences;) In S3 (My favorite) - I would only suggest L1, "As fervour ..."

Otherwise, this is a keeper. Love it. A strong silhouette of an evening alone, together watching the contrasts of foreplay between the different species between our own and reptilian... A great poem!!!

Big Hugs, Liz


QUOTE
Skin on Skin

They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged
yet unrequited hungers rage.
The dance commences; undulations
shed her filmy negligee
to drape the floor. A lithe display
of belly-dancing; titillations.

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;
He slithers closer, starts to nuzzle
-- lost in lust they intertwine
instinctively, physiques combine
dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.

Fervour bubbles to a boil
and overflows; fulfilled they coil
behind their safety glass. I glance,
at you; we share a drink, before
my silk chemise slips on the floor --
a prelude to our mating dance.


·······IPB·······

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Aug 30 10, 03:01
Post #3


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hey Liz

Great suggestions - Their dance commences sounds much better

I don't know why I didn't start thet last stanza without 'As' as it leaves me a syllable short. Ah well! it was a long time ago.

It's great to have you comment on this!

Hugs Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
JLY
post Aug 31 10, 05:32
Post #4


Ornate Oracle
Group Icon

Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,591
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr



Snow:

This has a lot of sensuality in it and no matter what species, it is packed with heated moments.

One question for you:
is it: their safety glass

or is it our safety glass? Which one of us needs to be protected?

I am not sure about "puzzle". I know you want to match up with nuzzle, but I do not see anything as being a puzzle. The mating dance is quite apparent to everyone and it ends as it should...I don't really see the mystery in it.

For me, these lines really stand out in both their image and their sound as they roll off my tongue:

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;


A great poem that I think is about ready to cross the finish line.

JLY


·······IPB·······

Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!


MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Aug 31 10, 17:04
Post #5


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (JLY @ Aug 31 10, 11:32 ) *
Snow:

This has a lot of sensuality in it and no matter what species, it is packed with heated moments.

One question for you:
is it: their safety glass

or is it our safety glass? Which one of us needs to be protected?

I am not sure about "puzzle". I know you want to match up with nuzzle, but I do not see anything as being a puzzle. The mating dance is quite apparent to everyone and it ends as it should...I don't really see the mystery in it.

For me, these lines really stand out in both their image and their sound as they roll off my tongue:

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;


A great poem that I think is about ready to cross the finish line.

JLY


Hi John

You have made some interesting points which have made me think!

Yes- 'our safety glass' might be more approriate. I'll change that one.

I see your point about 'puzzle' although I was meaning a jigsaw puzzle - dovetailing together. It never struck me that someone might see the other meaning. I'll have to think on that one - get my rhyming head on too!

Thanks for giving me something to chew on!

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Sep 5 10, 06:30
Post #6





Guest






Hi, Snow,

more stripping and this time mixed with a bit of voyerism, should we be worried? biggrin.gif I've arrived late so not much to add to the crits you've already had on this. Only tiny suggestion would be to use 'speckled' rather than 'freckled' in S2,l1 for the sibilance though that removes the ambiguity earlier than l3's 'slithers' - an alternative might be to use 'sidles' there to keep the ambiguity going. Did enjoy this, and the comments are yours to use or lose of course,
Jim
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
AMETHYST
post Sep 5 10, 22:45
Post #7


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hey Snow ...

Although the revisions are minor, they have made a strong presence in the ease of the flow in both meaning and sound. This one is surely a keeper... I would love to get your poetry in a chapbook! :)

Hugs, Liz


·······IPB·······

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Sep 8 10, 14:12
Post #8


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (bombadil1247 @ Sep 5 10, 12:30 ) *
Hi, Snow,

more stripping and this time mixed with a bit of voyerism, should we be worried? biggrin.gif I've arrived late so not much to add to the crits you've already had on this. Only tiny suggestion would be to use 'speckled' rather than 'freckled' in S2,l1 for the sibilance though that removes the ambiguity earlier than l3's 'slithers' - an alternative might be to use 'sidles' there to keep the ambiguity going. Did enjoy this, and the comments are yours to use or lose of course,
Jim


Hi Jim

Well perhaps you should be worried - I've also written about an old flame in Seren's. I don't know what's come over me! LOL!

I love the change from 'slithers' to 'sidles' - which keeps the reader guessing a bit longer.

I'm not sure about 'speckeld skin' as I chose 'freckled as it resembled human skin. I'll think on that one.

Thanks for your help Jim - always welcome.

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Sep 8 10, 14:17
Post #9


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Sep 6 10, 04:45 ) *
Hey Snow ...

Although the revisions are minor, they have made a strong presence in the ease of the flow in both meaning and sound. This one is surely a keeper... I would love to get your poetry in a chapbook! :)

Hugs, Liz


Hi Liz

Thanks for getting back to this one. I won Odin's last year so you will be seeing my work in a chapbook. I am two thirds finished. Also, I have 2 more chapbooks one quarter finished - just waiting for inspiration. LOL!

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
AMETHYST
post Sep 9 10, 22:04
Post #10


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



I am still working on my manuscript for my chapbook ... Lori is probably fuming that I have'nt gotten that out of the way yet. You know what ... that's what I am going to start working on getting those poems finalized and start some new stuff to get into it... My cousin took a few pictures that I am interested in using for the cover ... Now I am getting excited. Can't wait to see yours.

Love you, Liz


·······IPB·······

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Sep 10 10, 17:02
Post #11


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



You'll get there Liz - we'll get there!!!!

Glad you've got some photos for inspiration. It's so easy to sink into apathy - I've been there! I hoped to get my book done ages ago, but lost interest -bit by bit, I'm getting there now.

Can't wait to see yours finished too!

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
heartsong7
post Sep 11 10, 07:46
Post #12


Creative Chieftain
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin



Hi Snow,
This is ingenious. When I saw the bit about flickering tongues inhaling, I was all set to use that as the only nit I could find to pick, when I realized that it's snakes you're talking about.
Love the imagery, the meter and rhymes are flawless to my ear, and again the premise is brilliant.
I say, it's good to go.
Great to read your wonderful work again.
Sue


·······IPB·······

Forgiveness is the fragrance
the violet sheds
on the heel
that has crushed it.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Sep 13 10, 16:06
Post #13


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (heartsong7 @ Sep 11 10, 13:46 ) *
Hi Snow,
This is ingenious. When I saw the bit about flickering tongues inhaling, I was all set to use that as the only nit I could find to pick, when I realized that it's snakes you're talking about.
Love the imagery, the meter and rhymes are flawless to my ear, and again the premise is brilliant.
I say, it's good to go.
Great to read your wonderful work again.
Sue


Thanks Sue - glad you enjoyed this. It's great to se you back here.

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
anaisa
post Sep 17 10, 00:31
Post #14


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



Hey Eisa!

Loved it~ I see nuthin to pick at ;-)


K


QUOTE (Eisa @ Aug 29 10, 18:14 ) *
Here's another oldie (very old) -- just wondering if there were any improvements I can make before it hits the finished drawer.


Skin on Skin

They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged
yet unrequited hungers rage.
Their dance commences; undulations
shed her filmy negligee
to drape the floor. A lithe display
of belly-dancing; titillations.

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;
He sidles closer, starts to nuzzle
-- lost in lust they intertwine
instinctively, physiques combine
dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.

As fervour bubbles to a boil
and overflows; fulfilled they coil
behind their safety glass. I glance,
at you; we share a drink, before
my silk chemise slips on the floor --
a prelude to our mating dance.

-----------------------------------------------

Recent tweaks (thanks Liz)
St1 L3 was 'The dance commences'
Last St L1 was 'Fervour bubbles to a boil'

St2 L3 - have changed slithers to sidles



·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Sep 17 10, 17:26
Post #15


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (anaisa @ Sep 17 10, 06:31 ) *
Hey Eisa!

Loved it~ I see nuthin to pick at ;-)


K


Thanks Karen - great to see you here again.

Eisa Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 23rd October 2019 - 20:27




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: