Seasoned with Love (was Life's Fading Light -new version 2015), Sonnet Crit *** Options

[Eisa]

I've never been completely satisfied with this and in 2015 I've written a new version which is nearer to what I want.


Seasoned with Love

Emerging sun is draped in lazuline
and chariots amidst the clouds. We dance
until Selene conjures up romance
with umbra shade. We rumba in between

magnolias to our floribunda shrine.
Southwester squalls destroy tranquillity
and offshoots fracture. Yet beneath our tree
vast roots are firm. As temperatures decline

vermillion tresses tumble; dogwood's bare.
Celestial orb reclines on nimbus pillows.
Shivering as naked branches billow
we entwine, repelling gelid air

prepared for icy crystals, drifting deep,
humming a threnody until we sleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------

REVISION 2

I've recently returned to this to make a couple of changes.

I've added a definite article to 'sun' & 'moon' as I didn't originally intend to personify them. Also. I feel it smoothes the meter.
Also - I have wondered whether sun standing on tip-toe is a bit over the top?


Fading Light

The sun's uplifted, draped in lazuline
its endless light entices us to dance
until the moon's arrival brings romance.
When garlands grace the aisle, we walk between

a gathering of family and friends.
Southwester squalls destroy tranquillity
and branches fracture, yet beneath our tree
deep roots are firm. As temperature descends

red tresses tumble, leaving tree-heads bare.
Fatigued, the sun now slumps on sombre pillows.
Shivering when breath of autumn billows
we entwine, repelling gelid air,

prepared for snow's approach. Beneath its deep
duvet we'll drift into perpetual sleep.


--------------------------------------
REVISION 1

Life's Fading Light

Sun stands on tip-toe, draped in lazuline,
its endless light entices us to dance
until Moon waxes. Scented with romance
bouquets enhance the aisle; we walk between

a gathering of family and friends.
Southwester squalls destroy tranquillity
and branches fracture; yet beneath our tree
deep roots are firm. When temperature descends

red tresses tumble, leaving tree-heads bare.
Exhausted, Sun now slumps on sombre pillows.
Shivering when breath of autumn billows
we entwine, repelling gelid air,

prepared for snow's approach. Beneath its deep
duvet we'll drift into perpetual sleep.



--------------------------------------

Fading Light (Tweaked)

Sun stands on tip-toe, draped in lazuline,
continued light entices us to dance
'til moon emerges. Scented with romance,
bouquets enhance the aisle; we walk between

a gathering of family and friends.
Unsettling gusts destroy tranquillity
and branches fracture, yet beneath our tree
deep roots are firm. When temperature descends

red tresses tumble, leaving tree-heads bare.
Exhausted sun now slumps on sombre pillows.
Shivering when breath of autumn billows
we entwine, repelling gelid air,

prepared for snow's approach. Beneath its deep
duvet we'll drift into perpetual sleep.

----------------------------------------
L2 was: continual light entices us to dance

L6 was: Tempestuous gusts destroy tranquillity

L9 was: vermilion tresses tumble, leaving tree-heads bare.

[Thoth]

Hello Snow,

Great to read a post from you once more.

I love your winter sonnet. The wedding metaphor and personification of the forest are very apt in this sketch of the onset of cold weather. The way nature prepares itself for seasons is quite remarkable and well expressed here.

Technically I can’t fault the poem yet some things jar for me slightly; Not crit really, merely comments.

1. Lazuline is an adjective - used here as a a noun. I'm liking the fabricky texture of it but some may argue.

2. I'm unsure the identity of the narrator and companion. If a member of the forest congreation then, “ we walk” is inappropriate yet if human, why bed down beneath the snow duvet?

3. “ perpetual sleep” is a little too permanent for me, after all it’s only for a few months.

May you survive the cold snap and emerge vigorous and refreshed to welcome the thaw.

Hugz,
Wally

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

So happy to see you back and posting in this forum. Nice envelope sonnet! Don't know if you wanted crits so TOT anything I suggest.

Fading Light

Sun stands on tip-toe, draped in lazuline, lazuline is also a noun: a cerulean or azure hue resembling the sky
continual light entices us to dance continual gives 1 extra syl. in IP format – try continued
'til moon emerges. Scented with romance comma after romance – descriptive phrase for bouquets
bouquets enhance the aisle; we walk between period after aisle – capitalize We

a gathering of family and friends.
Tempestuous gusts destroy tranquillity Tempestuous extra syl., perhaps "chaotic", also, “tranquility” should have 1 “l”
and branches fracture, yet beneath our tree semi-colon after fracture
deep roots are firm. When temperature descends

vermilion tresses tumble, leaving tree-heads bare. extra foot! Suggest …tresses fall; leave…
Exhausted, sun now slumps on sombre pillows. no comma after Exhausted, comma after pillows
Shivering when breath of autumn billows dactylic start / shivering. When… / comma after billows
we entwine, repelling gelid air, period after air

prepared for snow's approach. Beneath its deep Prepared… comma or semi-colon after approach… beneath its deep
duvet we'll drift into perpetual sleep. comma or semicolon after duvet / Suggest: We drift into that solstice keep.

As Wally stated, perpetual is a bit long.

I, too, enjoyed the anthropomorphic nuances of the forest and the seasons being living (sentient) things.

It was a pleasure to read. Hope something I suggested is of a little help.

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi there Wally & Larry,

It's good to have the time to be back again -not that my muse is working well, but I hope it will return.

Yes, I did want critique (I always do ) so thank you for your helpful comments.
I feel the metaphor here is a little more obscure than you realise. Yes it does follow the seasons leading up to winter, but is really a metaphor for the relationship of a couple (through the seasons.)

Starting with the sun high in the sky (summer) the couple date/dance until they marry and walk down the aisle of scented bouquets/family & friends.

Later come the storms that most couples face, but deep roots hold them firm.

Together still in autumn, they see/feel the changes of aging. The sun now low.

The ending shows they are ready for winter's(death's) approach and face it together. Hence perpetual sleep.

I'm glad you enjoyed reading - perhaps you will see it in a different light after reading this. I'm not sure about the title - perhaps I could find one which hints at the unravelling relationship here. I am still thinking on this.

I hope you are both well .
Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

So happy to see you back and posting in this forum. Nice envelope sonnet! Don't know if you wanted crits so TOT anything I suggest.

Hi Larry - I've put some comments on your comments. LOL!

Fading Light

Sun stands on tip-toe, draped in lazuline, lazuline is also a noun: a cerulean or azure hue resembling the sky Yes - it is a noun
continual light entices us to dance continual gives 1 extra syl. in IP format – try continued Now why didn't I think of that!
'til moon emerges. Scented with romance comma after romance – descriptive phrase for bouquets
bouquets enhance the aisle; we walk between period after aisle – capitalize We

a gathering of family and friends.
Tempestuous gusts destroy tranquillity Tempestuous extra syl., perhaps "chaotic", also, “tranquility” should have 1 “l” Now I quite liked tempestuous - will think of another! My dictionary spells it tranquillity - but I think it may be spelt both ways
and branches fracture, yet beneath our tree semi-colon after fracture
deep roots are firm. When temperature descends

vermilion tresses tumble, leaving tree-heads bare. extra foot! Suggest …tresses fall; leave… Well spotted, Larry I hadn't caught that one.
Exhausted, sun now slumps on sombre pillows. no comma after Exhausted, comma after pillows
Shivering when breath of autumn billows dactylic start / shivering. When… / comma after billows
we entwine, repelling gelid air, period after air

prepared for snow's approach. Beneath its deep Prepared… comma or semi-colon after approach… beneath its deep
duvet we'll drift into perpetual sleep. comma or semicolon after duvet / Suggest: We drift into that solstice keep.

As Wally stated, perpetual is a bit long.

I, too, enjoyed the anthropomorphic nuances of the forest and the seasons being living (sentient) things.

It was a pleasure to read. Hope something I suggested is of a little help.

Larry

This has all helped, Larry. I'll make some changes now and think on the rest.
Thank you
Snow

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

I now see the deeper meaning of your post and thanks for the clarification. As far as changing the title, I don't think that is necessary because it covers the duality of both the seasons and relationships.

Still not sure about the variances of meter (metre) in S3L2, but I'll try not to be a perfectionist.

Larry

[Psyche]

Love your sonnet, Snow! So glad your inspiration is back in full swing. Even if one stumbles a little after a long lapse, with a little help from one's friends the result is amazing. I'm no expert at form, as you well know, but I immediately recognised the analogy in your poem, showing affinity between the seasons and an enduring, loving couple's stages through life. You're great at that, I've often seen you do it!


Fading Light (Tweaked)

Sun stands on tip-toe, draped in lazuline, <<<<<<<lovely word!
continued light entices us to dance <<<<not sure about "continued". Maybe recurrent, unbroken, flowing? ToT.
'til moon emerges. Scented with romance,
bouquets enhance the aisle; we walk between

Lovely S1!!

a gathering of family and friends.
Unsettling gusts destroy tranquillity <<<<pity about "tempestuous". I was trying to come up with a good word last night in bed...LOL...
and branches fracture, yet beneath our tree
deep roots are firm. When temperature descends

Highly expressive "yet beneath our tree deep roots are firm". I think this is where I began to admire your deftness at analogy.

red tresses tumble, leaving tree-heads bare. <<<I'm glad you kept the alliteration and removed vermillion.
Exhausted sun now slumps on sombre pillows. <<<Another lovely alliteration.
Shivering when breath of autumn billows <<< I always feel that at least one deviation from strict form adds character to a sonnet.

we entwine, repelling gelid air,

prepared for snow's approach. Beneath its deep
duvet we'll drift into perpetual sleep.


A pleasure to read, Eira. The finale is beautifully sad, just so! My comments are certainly of the ToT sort.
Hugs, Syl***

[Larry]

Hello once more Snow,

I also liked the word "tempestuous" but it didn't fit the meter and then, as I was re-reading your revision, a thought slapped me in the back of the head for not realizing I was concentrating on the wrong part of the line. Here is what the slap brought forth:

Tempestuous gust roil tranquility

With that, you keep the word, the meter is correct and the meaning remains the same.

TOT...

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,
Hi Larry
I now see the deeper meaning of your post and thanks for the clarification. As far as changing the title, I don't think that is necessary because it covers the duality of both the seasons and relationships.
Oh that's good!
Still not sure about the variances of meter (metre) in S3L2, but I'll try not to be a perfectionist.
LOL! - you know I've recently read some sonnets with meter variances that even make me frown!
Larry

Thanks for you comments Larry
Snow

[Eisa]

Love your sonnet, Snow! So glad your inspiration is back in full swing. Even if one stumbles a little after a long lapse, with a little help from one's friends the result is amazing. I'm no expert at form, as you well know, but I immediately recognised the analogy in your poem, showing affinity between the seasons and an enduring, loving couple's stages through life. You're great at that, I've often seen you do it!


Hi Syl, I have somehow missed this reply - I am so sorry! It's so good to have your opinion on this.

I wouldn't say my inspiration is back in full swing, I don't write so much these days, but what I do write doesn't seem to need so much revision as my older work.
I'm glad you saw the affinity between the season's and a loving couple.

[quote name='Eisa' post='129527' date='Jan 14 13, 02:30 ']Fading Light (Tweaked)

Sun stands on tip-toe, draped in lazuline, <<<<<<<lovely word!
continued light entices us to dance <<<<not sure about "continued". Maybe recurrent, unbroken, flowing? ToT.
'til moon emerges. Scented with romance,
bouquets enhance the aisle; we walk between

Yes, I wasn't sure about continued either and have decided to change to 'its endless light' (I did have this originally)

Lovely S1!!

a gathering of family and friends.
Unsettling gusts destroy tranquillity <<<<pity about "tempestuous". I was trying to come up with a good word last night in bed...LOL...
and branches fracture, yet beneath our tree
deep roots are firm. When temperature descends

I've given this a lot of thought over the weeks and decided to go for something completely different
'Southwester squalls destroy .....' not sure it works but it sounds more original?

Highly expressive "yet beneath our tree deep roots are firm". I think this is where I began to admire your deftness at analogy.

red tresses tumble, leaving tree-heads bare. <<<I'm glad you kept the alliteration and removed vermillion.
Exhausted sun now slumps on sombre pillows. <<<Another lovely alliteration.
Shivering when breath of autumn billows <<< I always feel that at least one deviation from strict form adds character to a sonnet.

Yes - I like some deviations too
we entwine, repelling gelid air,

prepared for snow's approach. Beneath its deep
duvet we'll drift into perpetual sleep.


A pleasure to read, Eira. The finale is beautifully sad, just so! My comments are certainly of the ToT sort.

I really wanted the ending to be less sad - but kept coming back to this and gave in! LOL!
Hugs, Syl***

So pleased to her from you.
Hugs
Snow

[Eisa]

Hello once more Snow,

I also liked the word "tempestuous" but it didn't fit the meter and then, as I was re-reading your revision, a thought slapped me in the back of the head for not realizing I was concentrating on the wrong part of the line. Here is what the slap brought forth:

Tempestuous gust roil tranquility

With that, you keep the word, the meter is correct and the meaning remains the same.

TOT...

Larry

Hi Larry - I have missed your reply as well as Syl's (don't know where my head is!!)

Thanks for coming back to this. Yes I still like tempestuous, but have used it in a number of poems and decided to use something a bit different. I'm going to make the changes now.

Thanks again
Snow

[JustDaniel]

Dear Snow, please forgive my VERY late response here. I've been horribly negligent to the forum that I've always appreciated the most, and in which so few of late have shared. My own penchant for depression has, I'm embarrassed to say, kept me selfishly away for too long. I hope to be changing that in the days ahead.

I really appreciate the observations that others have already made, and your responses to them and your further revisions have been excellent.

Life's Fading Light ~ ~ In accordance with what others shared about the title, I might merely suggest the addition of the word "Life's" at the beginning.

Sun stands on tip-toe, draped in lazuline,
(its) [his] endless light entices us to dance ~ ~ [The use of 'Sun' without an article seems to favor a personification, as does the tip-toing, so use of a personal pronoun seems befitting, methinks.]
until Moon waxes. Scented with romance ~ ~ [Again, because of no preceding article, there is an implication of personification, so that captilizing 'moon' would be in order ?]
bouquets enhance the aisle; we walk between

a gathering of family and friends.
Southwester squalls destroy tranquillity
and branches fracture(,) [;] yet beneath our tree ~ ~ [otherwise a run-on ?]
deep roots are firm. When temperature descends

red tresses tumble, leaving tree-heads bare.
Exhausted, Sun now slumps on sombre pillows. ~ ~ [Although, as noted, this line and the next seem to be a minor departure from the norm of an iambic flow, if you were to place these two lines together as a continual line, you discover that it would be totally imabic throughout, since the extra 'dum' offers itself to the following line, where it is missing from the first word. The same is true for the next two lines. What you have done here is exactly how I have written a number of my sonnets... and for which I have almost universally been criticized. BUT, when you READ them, the flow is immaculate... as it is here. The comment that Sylvia makes,however, about having a variation or two within a sonnet is also an excellent observation, and I totally agree with her.]
Shivering when breath of autumn billows
we entwine, repelling gelid air,

prepared for snow's approach. Beneath its deep
duvet we'll drift into perpetual sleep.

deLighting again to read you and to share with you, Daniel

[Eisa]

Hello Daniel,

I do understand that life sometimes takes us over - I'm afraid I've has a few periods like that of late. It's good to receive a critique from you.

I like your suggestion for the title. It's surprising the difference one word can make. I shall be adding that.

Yes , I see that personifying the moon might be a good move.

I'm glad to hear that you often write in unbroken iambic when here is an extra dum at the end of the line as I do too, but as you say it does create criticism.

It's been good interacting with you Daniel

Snow

[JustDaniel]

As to the criticism that may come from carrying over a 'dum' to the beginning of the next line...

I honestly don't care about the criticism.

SOME DAY, when they HEAR us read our lines, and we pay no attention to where one ends and the next begins, but read our poetry as PROSE, not emphasizing our rhymes, but only the SENSE of the words...

MAYBE they will hear sense and beauty and be moved by the words.

Let's hope that day may come.

deLighting always in your sharing, Daniel

[Maggie]

Hi Eisa,

It's been a long time since talking to you.

I think your sonnet is truly beautiful!

I agree with someone's suggestion that perpetual sleep might better be changed. Would not "seasonal" be a better word for the context if it doesn't mess up the meter? It just may be me, but "perpetual" makes me think too much of death or coma. Just a thought.

Again, this is beautiful to my ear and eye.

Peggy/Maggie

[Eisa]

As to the criticism that may come from carrying over a 'dum' to the beginning of the next line...

I honestly don't care about the criticism.

SOME DAY, when they HEAR us read our lines, and we pay no attention to where one ends and the next begins, but read our poetry as PROSE, not emphasizing our rhymes, but only the SENSE of the words...

MAYBE they will hear sense and beauty and be moved by the words.

Let's hope that day may come.

deLighting always in your sharing, Daniel

I so agree, Daniel!

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Eisa,

It's been a long time since talking to you.

I think your sonnet is truly beautiful!

I agree with someone's suggestion that perpetual sleep might better be changed. Would not "seasonal" be a better word for the context if it doesn't mess up the meter? It just may be me, but "perpetual" makes me think too much of death or coma. Just a thought.

Again, this is beautiful to my ear and eye.

Peggy/Maggie

Hi Maggie, It's so good to 'see' you here and I am pleased that you like this sonnet.

As for the ending I did reply to Larry & Wally to explain that the metaphor here that follow the seasons is really a metaphor for the relationship of a couple (through the seasons.)

Starting with the sun high in the sky (summer) the couple date/dance until they marry and walk down the aisle of scented bouquets/family & friends.

Later come the storms that most couples face, but deep roots hold them firm.

Together still in autumn, they see/feel the changes of aging. The sun now low.

The ending shows they are ready for winter's(death's) approach and face it together. Hence perpetual sleep. Sad - but true!

Thank you for your comments - hope to see you again soon.

Snow

[Maureen]

G'day Eisa - this is beautiful - I was unfamiliar with lazuline and gelid which I kept pronouncing Jellied - go figure, so I had to Google and WOW , just perfect and that first line is divine. Loved it, it urged me to read on and I was not disappointed. A lovely piece of work. Thank you.

Cheers

Maureen

[Eisa]

G'day Eisa - this is beautiful - I was unfamiliar with lazuline and gelid which I kept pronouncing Jellied - go figure, so I had to Google and WOW , just perfect and that first line is divine. Loved it, it urged me to read on and I was not disappointed. A lovely piece of work. Thank you.

Cheers

Maureen

Hi there Maureen,

I'm so glad you enjoyed this one. Lazuline is new to me too I found it by accident, but I'm so glad I did. I had heard of gelid (jellied Ha ha!) but wasn't sure of the meaning. I just love finding new words!

See you soon
Snow

[Eisa]

Hi there -

I've recently returned to this to make a couple of changes:

I've added a definite article to 'sun' & 'moon' as I didn't originally intend to personify them and I feel the meter reads smoother that way.
Also - I have wondered whether sun standing on tip-toe is a bit over the top?

Snow