Midnight Odyssey ~ Another revision 1/02/07, Wizard, Faery & Member Choice Award Winner Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Faery Award Winner

Celtic Castle Designs

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Please let me know which reads better... Revision 3 or 4. I appreciate your help!

Midnight Odyssey ~ Revision 4

White dragon flies black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
hop-scotching cotton clouds so soft to spark a twilight fling.
While soaring 'cross the heavens high he drifts near Luna Moon,
he'll serenade her with a sigh... sweet lullaby to croon.

The fairie queen stands regally on wispy cirrus white,
her layered skirts a-shimmering with lunar lucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze
obscures the smile upon her face, she glances shy to tease.

Her ivory carriage glides up near, a twinkle in his eye.
He offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
With graceful ease she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through spheres of dapple-black.

Free-flying on those gentle winds, bestirring mists bordeaux,
astride her gem-toned dragon's neck with smiling face aglow,
they're seeking thrills with Nanna star who reigns supreme above ...
then richly blend their voice as one to sing of Ladylove.

Their glistening playground turns to rose as night draws to its end.
Aurora's winking in the dawn, soon darkness she will rend.
Thus seeking out soft-pillowed clouds, a place to rest the day,
repose their heads 'til dusk descends, 'twill then resume their play.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Jan2005




Midnight Odyssey ~ Revision 3

White dragon flies black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
hop-scotching cotton clouds so soft to spark a twilight fling.
While soaring 'cross the heavens high he drifts near Luna Moon,
to serenade her with a sigh... sweet lullaby to croon.

A fairie queen stands regally on wispy cirrus white,
her layered skirts a-shimmer in a lunar lucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze
obscures the smile upon her face, she glances shy to tease.

Her ivory carriage glides up near, a twinkle in his eye,
and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
With graceful ease she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through spheres of dapple-black.

Free-flying on those gentle winds, bestirring wisps bordeaux,
astride her gem-toned dragon's neck with smiling face aglow
and thrills of seeking Nanna star who reigns supreme above ...
they richly blend their voice as one to sing of Ladylove.

Their glistening playground turns to rose as night draws to its end.
Aurora's winking in the dawn, soon darkness she will rend.
Thus seeking out soft-pillowed clouds, a place to rest the day,
repose their heads 'til dusk descends, 'twill then resume their play.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Jan2005



Midnight Odyssey "Flight Upon The Dragon's Wing" ~ Iambic Rhyme ~ Revision 2

Dark dragons fly black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
hop-scotching cotton clouds so soft, begin their twilight fling.
While soaring 'cross the heavens high they drift near Luna Moon,
to serenade her with a sigh... sweet lullaby to croon.

A fairie queen stands regal on a wispy cirrus white,
her layered skirts a-shimmer in a lunar lucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze
conceals a smile upon her face, she glances shy to tease.

Her emerald carriage glides up near, a twinkle in his eye,
and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
So gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black.

Free-flying on those gentle winds, they swoop both high and low,
astride her gem-toned dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow,
with thrills of seeking Nanna star who reigns supreme above ...
they richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

Their glistening playground turns to rose as night draws to its end.
Aurora's winking in the dawn, soon darkness she will rend.
So seeking out soft-pillowed clouds, a place to rest the day,
repose their heads 'til dusk descends to then resume their play.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Jan2005

S2 L4 - conceals a little of her face...


MIDNIGHT ODYSSEY ~ FLIGHT UPON THE DRAGON'S WING ~ Revision 1

Dragons fly black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
while skirting cotton clouds so soft they gather voice to sing.
Soaring 'cross the heavens high they drift near Lady Moon
to serenade her with a sigh, sweet lullaby to croon.

A fairie queen stands regal on a wispy fluff of white,
her layered skirts a-shimmer in a pale translucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze,
it hides a little of her face, she glances so to tease.

Wing-ed dragon glides up near, a twinkle in his eye,
and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
So gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black.

Free-flying on those gentle winds, they swoop both high and low,
she clings tightly to her dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow.
Thrill of touching star and moon, who reign supreme above ...
they richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

Sparkled twilight turns to grey as night draws to its end.
The sun comes winking in the dawn, darkness it will rend.
Seeking out soft-pillowed clouds, a place to rest the day,
repose their heads 'til dusk descends to then resume their play.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Jan2005


ORIGINAL:

Midnight Odyssey

Dragons fly black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
skirting cotton clouds so soft they gather voice to sing.
Soaring 'cross the heavens high they drift near Lady Moon
to serenade her with a sigh, sweet lullaby to croon.

A fairie queen stands regal on a wispy fluff of white,
her layered skirts a-shimmer in pale translucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze,
it hides a little of her face, she glances so to tease.

Wing-ed dragon glides up near, a twinkle in his eye
and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
Gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black.

Flying free on gentle winds swooping high and low,
clinging to the dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow.
Thrill of touching star and moon who reign supreme above;
so richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

Sparkled twilight turns to grey, night is nearing end,
The sun comes bringing in the dawn, darkness it will rend.
Seeking for soft-pillowed cloud, a place to rest the day,
Repose their heads til dusk descends, to then resume their play.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Jan2005

This was written for my 4 yr old granddaughter, Blaise.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cathy,

Only negative crit for now: "portion" of face - sounds almost like butcher-talk... “areas,” maybe?

A delightfully dreamy and evocative poem. This was very Shakespearean for me - in imagery at least. It was Macbeth meets Midsummer’s Night’s Dream. I’m sure this flight is over The Forest of Arden (a place I pass from time-to-time).

All I can say is that I’ll drink to this on... Bottom’s Up!

(Sorry didn’t mean to make an ass of myself).

James.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

sounds almost like butcher-talk

I can't have her getting butchered! LOL  I've changed it and it does sound better now.

Thank you for the compliment!  
Cathy~  :dragon:

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
Poetry read aloud is somewhat different from that read in the mind. I always read poetry aloud and so I naturally (also intentionally) make cadence a greater concern than others do.
"Midnight Odyssey" is a perfect title for the message and the message is presented in heptameter which seems at least to me to suit the fanciful message it carries.
Read it aloud and ask yourself if there isn't long stretches of lines that read with a very pleasant lilt.
Some who have less concern with "flow" may suggest current textbook guidence, perhaps citing "does show" in s4l2. My view is that maintaining the lilt of the work justifies the does.
Whatever you choose as the characteristics that typify your style, do
stay the course. 'Midnight Odyssey" is a very enjoyable read.
Cheers,    jgd

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cathy,

This has a dreamy ethereal feel that is lovely, and it does flow excellently read aloud.

Thanks for getting my weekend off to such a lovely start.

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

This is a wonderful night flight into imagination.  Ethereal and sprinkled with magic.

I love this image of the fairie queen:

A fairie queen stands regal on a wispy fluff of white,
her layered skirts a-shimmer in pale translucent light.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

LOL, I think Nina and I both posted at the same time - same kind of thoughts, by the look of it.

BTW, Cathy, I had you down as in your 20s or 30s - reeling from the shock that you have a granddaughter.

Shows how writing liberates so much.

Hugs,

Fran

[Guest_Cathy_*]

LOL  Sorry Fran!  I didn't mean to throw you into shock!  I'm a young grandmother!  At least at heart!  I feel about 28-30 most of the time!  Not really much older than that though.  

Thanks Nina!  Blaise likes things that sparkle and shimmer so I had to incorporate plenty of that in her poem.  

Hi jg!  I've gone over this and over this trying to get it just right and as long as it sounds good, that's what matters to me ... and Blaise!  LOL

I'm glad you all enjoyed it!

Cathy~

[Cybele]

Hi Cathy,

Your granddaughter must love you reading this to her. A lovely, spoken lullaby.  
Just a couple of minor adjustments to suggest, take or chuck..

Wing-ed dragon glides up near, a twinkle in his eye
and offers her a pleasured flight through the starry sky.
Gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black.

L2 and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky ?

Soaring free on gentle winds swooping high and low,
clinging to the dragon's neck her happiness does show.
Thrill of touching star and moon as they reign above;
so richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

L2 clinging to the dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow.?
L3 Thrill of touching star and moon who reign supreme above ?
L4 So richly blend their voices to softly sing of love ?

Sparkled twilight turns to grey, night is nearing end,
The sun peeks over yon horizon, darkness will it rend.
Seeking for soft-pillowed cloud, a place to rest the day,
Repose their heads til dusk descends, to then resume their play

L2 Sun peeks over the horizon, the darkness it will rend ?
L3 Seeking for soft-pillowed cloud, a place to rest all day ?
L4 Repose their heads till dusk descends, and then resume their play ?


Sweet dreams Blaise.  

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Grace for your lovely compliments.  I have used a couple of your suggestions already, I think they helped smooth out the flow.  

Cathy~

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.  

I really enjoyed this soft rhythmic piece!  

You've done an excellent job here with the meter and the story told is magical, and mystical - perfect title!

I want to hear more of these two please!?  

My fav:
Gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black

Well done!  

[Guest_Cathy_*]

lol  I don't know if I could do it again!  

I'll let you know if I do.  I have been working on a
story with the two of them, we'll see how it goes.
Thanks Cleo!

Cathy!

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Cathy!

This one slipped my notice.  I'm quite certain that it will not slip Blaise's!

For the most part this flows simply beautifully!  Ron's suggestion about reading poetry aloud is such an excellent practice. It really helps to see where bumbs in a flow and difficulties in meaning stare at us.  

In this one, there aren't many of either!  I merely offer a few "suggestions" to help you to see, hear, feel your excellent piece slightly differently.

Midnight Odyssey

Dragons fly black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
there skirting cotton clouds so soft they gather voice to sing.
Soaring 'cross the heavens high they drift near Lady Moon
to serenade her with a sigh, sweet lullaby to croon.

A fairie queen stands regal on a wispy fluff of white,
her layered skirts a-shimmer in a pale translucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze,
it hides a little of her face, she glances so to tease.

Wing-ed dragon glides up near, a twinkle in his eye
and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
So gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of breezes dapple-black.

Flying Free-flying on those gentle winds, they swooping both high and low[;]
clinging she clings hard to the dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow.
Thrill of touching star and moon[,] who reign supreme above([…]
so they richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

Sparkled twilight turns to grey, as night is nearing draws to its end,
The sun comes peeks, winking bringing in the dawn; dark’s curtain darkness it will rend.
Seeking They reach out for soft-pillowed clouds, a place to rest the by day[;]
repose their heads [‘]til dusk descends, to then when they resume their play.

sharin' a bit o' Light, Daniel  

[Cleo_Serapis]

Wow Daniel!

These are wonderful suggestions!

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Yes they are!  I've read the poem so many times I can't seem to get past the present rhythm so it helps when someone else reads it and can point out what I'm no longer able to hear.

Thanks Daniel!  

I haven't found a way to change "through air of dapple-black" to suit me yet.  I can't use "breezes" as you suggested because that word is already used.  Besides breezes aren't colored, it's the atmosphere or background or the sky that is dapple-black.  I've already used sky or skies as well.

[JustDaniel]

Of course you're welcome, Cathy [ and thank you for the compliment, Lori! ]

I've offered a few further suggestions to your revision.  Particularly note my comment re the last two lines, which have no subject... the reason I had offered an alternative.  

Take or toss whatever you like, my friend!

REVISED:

MIDNIGHT ODYSSEY

[ ] Dragons fly black velvet skies on silver star-kissed wing,
while skirting cotton clouds so soft they gather voice to sing.
[ ] Soaring 'cross the heavens high they drift near Lady Moon
to serenade her with a sigh, sweet lullaby to croon.

A fairie queen stands regal on a wispy fluff of white(,)[;]
her layered skirts a-shimmer in a pale translucent light.
Caress of cheek from silken hair afloat on warmest breeze,
it hides a little of her face, she glances so to tease.

[ ] Wing-ed dragon glides up near, a twinkle in his eye,
and offers her a pleasured flight across the starry sky.
So gracefully she climbs his wing to perch atop his back,
delighting in fantasial sights through air of dapple-black.
[ ... through sheets of dappled black. ]

Free-flying on those gentle winds, they swoop both high and low(,)[;]
she clings tightly to her dragon's neck, her smiling face aglow. [ broken meter; extra half-beat. Maybe...
she clinging to her dragon's neck with smiling face aglow. ]
[ ] Thrill of touching star and moon, who reign supreme above ...
they richly blend their voice as one to softly sing of love.

[ ] Sparkled twilight turns to grey as night draws to its end(,)[.]
Sun peeks out, winking in the dawn(,)[;]drawn darkness it will rend.
[ ... though natural speach makes this: SUN PEEKS OUT WINKing,,, rather than sun PEEKS out WINGing... as the meter WANTS to flow, but doesn't naturally... thus my previous suggestion above.  You must remember that your pattern has been to leave off the initial upbeat (which I've indicated with [  ] at the beginning of several lines.  That's fine, of course, but it can lead you, during composition, to think you're on track when you've lost the beat... if you're not careful.  Does that make sense? ]
Seeking out soft-pillowed clouds, a place to rest the day,
[ Your meter is suspect here now, also, as natural speech would be...
seeking out soft-pillowed CLOUDS, a PLACE to REST the DAY.  The problem is that you've added an extra half-beat here in the revision.  Revising is a very sensitive matter, as you know.  A further problem now is that you have no subject here; consider previous suggestion ][/b]
repose their heads [']til dusk descends when they resume their play.
[ 'til ( abbreviation for until ) and till are both acceptable; til is not a word. ]

Eager to encourage such a flowing piece to flow better... hopefully without ruining it...
Lightly sprinkling syllables and punctuation, Daniel  

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Daniel!

I am so sorry that I overlooked your crit. It wasn't intentional I assure you. It's been so long since I even looked at this particular poem (except when I turned it into sonnet). I can understand the purpose of your suggestions and I agree. Now that I've pulled it up again I may just have to work on it some more. lol

Thanks for returning~

Cat

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi cathy.

I just love this poem.

I am herewith nominating it for the faery award.

Congrats!

~Cleo

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel!

I am so sorry that I overlooked your crit. It wasn't intentional, I assure you. It's been so long since I even looked at this particular poem (except when I turned it into sonnet). I can understand the purpose of your suggestions, and I agree. Now that I've pulled it up again I may just have to work on it some more. lol

Thanks for returning ~ Cat

I've certainly done the same thing, Cat! No need for apology. I'm glad to have been of some assistance thus far. You have such a wonderful story for your granddaughter with this, and it simply keeps getting better...

and as you can see, others think that it's worthy of attention as well! I second Lori's nomination. This can only get better, my friend!

deLighting in this wonderful process, Daniel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Lori!