The (Failed) Gold Heist of 1950 - Part II, Wizard Award Winner Options

[Guest_Jox_*]

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

Hi all,

This is a copy of the poem I've posted for Pandora - based on Grace's train photo: Click to see Grace's photo.

I'm posting here because this represents a different type of poem from me and crit would be appreciated. Today I finished another poem in a similar mould, so I think some feedback on the style would be helpful. Thanks in anticipation, J.

This poem is to no know set form, as such.

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© Mike Gable, 2005. I, Mike Gable, do assert my right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of The Copyrights, Designs And Patents Act, 1988. (Laws of Cymru & England, as recognised by international treaties). This work was simultaneously copyrighted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America. This work is posted as an unpublished work in order to elicit critical assistance and other helpful comment, only.

Update from AB to AC - thanks Nina. (Two small changes, as per Nina's crit).

Ref: MG 0455 AC

The (Failed) Gold Heist of 1950 - Part II
by MG

Our yearly visit
to Dad - who stole gold in transit,
failed his escape to Hermitage.

Journey to Leicester:
have I packed our souwesters?
Mum’s worry whilst squatting a midge.

Businessmen up front,
families behind, bearing their brunt,
so hot we’d love drinks from a fridge.

Rocks in the valley,
travel Scrabble with Aunt Sally,
watching for Indians on the ridge.

Passengers prattle,
our wooden carriages rattle,
as we track along this stone bridge.

(end)

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jun 14 06, 18:54

[Guest_Don_*]

Looks and sounds great to me Jox.

Don

[Guest_Jox_*]

Thanks very much, Don.

I think you have its essence and I very much value your opinion.

Cheers, J.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi James,

I like this, it has a good flow to it and I like the rhyme
scheme you've used.  One question -

Journey to Leicester,
have I packed our souwesters?
Mum’s worry whilst squatting a midge.

Should "worry" be "worried"?

Cathy

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cathy,

Thanks for visiting and commentating - much appreciated. Thanks for your rhyme and flow observation - they are an important part of this.

One question -

Journey to Leicester,
have I packed our souwesters?
Mum’s worry whilst squatting a midge.

Should "worry" be "worried"?

What I mean there was that Mum's (singular) worry was if she'd packed the souwesters. She's not generally worried. Like saying "My only worry is that I won't be able to run a mile in under two hours." That sort of use.

I hope that makes sense?

Cheers, Cathy.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

Interesting reading a different style of poem from you.

Just a couple of queries:

Journey to Leicester,
have I packed our souwesters?
Mum’s worry whilst squatting a midge.

would a colon or semi-colon be better after Leicester?

Should "have I packed our souwesters?" be in speech marks as it's the Mum's thoughts?

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Thanks for your visit and comments.

>N>Interesting reading a different style of poem from you.

Thanks. Well, as you well know, I always say I can't see rhythm in poems and I often remember to add the only exceptions being TS Eliot's "Skimbleshanks" poem and Auden's "Night Mail" poem - both about railways. So I decided, after Grace's stimulus-picture, to attempt my own railway-rhythm poem. It has to be read quite fast but I think it's getting there.

>N>Just a couple of queries:

Journey to Leicester,
have I packed our souwesters?
Mum’s worry whilst squatting a midge.

>N>would a colon or semi-colon be better after Leicester?

Yes, I think you're right, thanks - colon.

>N>Should "have I packed our souwesters?" be in speech marks as it's the Mum's thoughts?

Thanks, my posting error - the original is in italics; I forgot to format it properly.

Thanks, Nina, J.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi James,

It makes sense now, thanks for the explanation!  

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cathy,

Thank you!

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

Thanks. Well, as you well know, I always say I can't see rhythm in poems and I often remember to add the only exceptions being TS Eliot's "Skimbleshanks" poem and Auden's "Night Mail" poem - both about railways. So I decided, after Grace's stimulus-picture, to attempt my own railway-rhythm poem. It has to be read quite fast but I think it's getting there.

I didn't actually read this very fast and I never even thought about any railway-rhythm till you mentioned it.  Perhaps some of the lines are too long to get that feel of speed, motion and sound of the train.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Thanks for your reply.

>N>I didn't actually read this very fast and I never even thought about any railway-rhythm till you mentioned it.  Perhaps some of the lines are too long to get that feel of speed, motion and sound of the train.

I didn't think you would get it because neither thee nor me are really good at poetry rhythm - I wouldn't have got it if I hadn't writ it.

The approx 5/8/8 syllable pattern (varies a little) is mean to be the old train noise... But I knew it wasn't very good which is why I posted here to see what could be done.

It's something like

short (ch) (wheels move)
short (ch) (moving), short (Ch) (moving)
long (Cheer) (steam vents from wheels and moving gains more torque or whatever)

That's the idea, anyway.

I think a long sound did follow the shorter ones? No?

Ch Ch Ch Cheer, Ch Ch Ch Cheer, etc

I knew I should keep away from this sort of thing! :)

It's also meant to be a social commentary on the problems of meeting family in the days before personal transport and also of the Mother's disinterest in her husband's plight. But it is not especially deep, otherwise.

Cheers and thanks, J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

Thanks for the explanation as to the intended rhythm.  

I think a long sound did follow the shorter ones? No?
indeed you are right, one sound was slightly longer than the other 2 or 3.

I think I'll keep quiet now and leave further comment to the meter experts.

It's also meant to be a social commentary on the problems of meeting family in the days before personal transport and also of the Mother's disinterest in her husband's plight. But it is not especially deep, otherwise.

Indeed, much more up my street and I also felt sorry for the boy, missing out on relating to his father throughout his childhood, only getting to see him once a year.  Plus his friends were no doubt going on nice seaside holidays, to holiday camps etc, but his "holiday" is a visit to a prison, the only excitement being the train journey, something only experienced rarely no doubt

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

>N>Thanks for the explanation as to the intended rhythm.  

LOL proof positive that it failed! :)

>J>I think a long sound did follow the shorter ones? No?
>N>indeed you are right, one sound was slightly longer than the other 2 or 3.

But you think I have it too long. OK, ta.

>N>I think I'll keep quiet now and leave further comment to the meter experts.

Fine - though I'm not sure this has anything to do with conventional meter. Just a simple attempt at sound.

>J>It's also meant to be a social commentary on the problems of meeting family in the days before personal transport and also of the Mother's disinterest in her husband's plight. But it is not especially deep, otherwise.

>N>Indeed, much more up my street and I also felt sorry for the boy, missing out on relating to his father throughout his childhood, only getting to see him once a year.  Plus his friends were no doubt going on nice seaside holidays, to holiday camps etc, but his "holiday" is a visit to a prison, the only excitement being the train journey, something only experienced rarely no doubt.

Annually.

Yes, thanks very much for returning and commentating further; much appreciated.

J.

[JustDaniel]

I do like your idea of the intended rhythm of riding on a railroad train, though I haven't quite felt it yet.  This is certainly one time when attention to metrical patterns might be a great assist in accomplishing that particular goal.

Grace's picture is stunning!  and you've done it justice with this imaginitive situation piece in the language of the area (I assume, since I don't understand some of it *smile* e.g. sounds like someone is sitting on the toilet at one point to my American ears!)

Looking forward to seeing how this clicks and clacks along Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Hello James,

Having seen your reply that you were going for train/railway rhythm, I might suggest the clickety clack sound might be better portayed with a different layout and some minor changes. For example

Our yearly visit
to Dad - who stole
gold in transit,
failed his escape
to Hermitage.

Journey to Leicester:
"Have I packed
our souwesters?"
Mum worries while
squatting a midge.

First Class up front,
families behind,
bearing their brunt:
so hot we’d love
drinks from a fridge.

Rocks in the valley,
travel Scrabble
with Aunt Sally,
watch for Indians
on the ridge.

Passengers prattle,
carriages rattle,
as we track along
this stone bridge.

Choose or lose James. A rattling good story.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Daniel,

Thank you for your most engaging comments.

>D>I do like your idea of the intended rhythm of riding on a railroad train, though I haven't quite felt it yet.  This is certainly one time when attention to metrical patterns might be a great assist in accomplishing that particular goal.

Aye but I can't see any patterns, I'm afraid. All I tried to do is to rhyme a bit and to emulate a train by:

short
short short
-  L  O  N  G  -

>D>Grace's picture is stunning!  and you've done it justice with this imaginitive situation piece in the language of the area (I assume, since I don't understand some of it *smile* e.g. sounds like someone is sitting on the toilet at one point to my American ears!

It is an excellent pic, yes. Thanks for the compliment, too.

Sorry, what language don't you understand? I'm happy to translate. Apologies for not doing so already.

>D>Looking forward to seeing how this clicks and clacks along Lightly, Daniel  

Cheers, Daniel.

J.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace,

Thanks for popping in and your hard work in re-setting the poem. That is very kind - appreciated :)

However, I think it explains why I can't hear rhythm - I don't hear a train in the re-setting. But I'm the only one to hear a train in my original. Proof positive that I do take these things differently to many people.

As I've mentioned to Nina and now Daniel, for me a train makes the following noise:

Che
Che Che
Cheeeee

short
short short
-  L  O  N  G  -

So equal length lines don't work for me.

When we meet at the pub we'll have to exchange train noises then I might understand more. Also, I don't know if modern diesel-electric trains make the same noise? They probably so as I think it depends more on the tracks than the train.

Thanks for the work Grace.

Until then

TooT TooT!

J.

[Guest_Don_*]

Thanks very much, Don.

I think you have its essence and I very much value your opinion.

Cheers, J.

And vice versa,

Cheerio,

Don   :)

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Don,

You're very kind. Thank you.

Best wishes,

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

When we meet at the pub we'll have to exchange train noises then I might understand more.
we'd better not head for your local then!

Nina